Getting My Shit Together (for real this time)

I have decided that 2017 is going to be officially know as the Year I Get My Shit Together (for reals).

There are several areas I'm going to be focusing on - a big one is finally seeing a therapist.  We had our first session on Friday and I didn't expect to get much out of our first visit.  And yet I have. Totally worth every penny.  (And a subject of another post, I'm sure.)

My neglected blog is another area.  I read through old entries a few months ago, and miss having memories documented in the last year or so.  Even if no one ever reads them but me, it's worth it.  But there is the bonus of those few out there who still read blogs on a regular basis reaching out and saying hi when I post.  So while I'll likely never get back to the posting frequency I had back when I first started, I am going to try to post at least once a week.

My main focus for the next month is getting back on track with my health.  I need to lose about 25 pounds, but more importantly, I need to get healthy again.  So rather than focus on my weight, I'm going to focus on health.  Starting tomorrow, I'm going to aim for 3-6 servings of vegetables a day, 1 fruit, and 30 minutes of aerobic activity every single day (and more when I can). I'm also going to cut out processed sugars completely.  I know this is not something I can or want to continue, but after the excesses of the past few months, I absolutely have to do this to get back on track.  I cannot give up caffeine completely, but I'm going to go back to 2 Diet Cokes a day and water the rest of the day.

I know I will feel so much better.  Getting 7 hours of sleep most nights has helped, but I'm still more tired than I should be, and I know it's all lifestyle.  So January 2017 is all about fixing that.

There are a few other goals that I'm going to focus on over the next year that will spread out across the year (like blogging more), but I'm also going to go with a monthly goal or challenge, too.  It turns out, that sort of thing works really well for me.

This picture is my life in a nutshell.

Our Tomorrows

A little less than a month ago, Oberon at "B is for Baby" wrote a post about how she realized she and her daughter Elsie needed to reconnect, and so she rented a car and they spent the day together in the woods.  Just a few weeks later, Oberon unexpectedly died in her sleep.

I have known Oberon (Bethany in real life) only online, both here and on FB.  But when I read the news a few days before Thanksgiving, I felt as though I had been punched in the gut.  She was an amazing person, a wonderful mom and a great friend, and the thought of her Elsie growing up without her was almost impossible to bear.

And then, of course, my thoughts turned to my own children, and my own life.  Practical thoughts, like would they remember what I'd taught them to do if something happened to me?  Do my friends here have my family's contact information? Does my sister still have the copy of my will that I gave her?

And then.

If I were to die tomorrow, what would my children remember of me?

Would they remember the tired and cranky mom who lost her temper way too often?  Or would they remember the mom that is my true self, but doesn't make an appearance all that much these days - the mom who is funny, fun, silly and who shows them every single day that they are loved with my whole heart and soul, unconditionally and without abandon?

I'm afraid it would be the former.  Oh, they'd know I'd loved them, but it wouldn't be imprinted on their hearts the way it is on mine.  I am not the mom I want to be.

But.

I have been given* an amazing opportunity.  In one week I will be reducing my work hours from full time to 75%.  In about 2 months, I will be moving my office to a location that is 30 minutes closer to home.  These changes are going to give me 2 more extra hours every single day.  My paycheck will go down a little, but I've paid off a few big bills lately, and that will balance things out.

And most importantly, I'll have two more hours every day.  10 extra hours a week.  I am so hopeful that this extra time will allow me to get more rest, feel less stressed and have more quality time with my children every day.  I am also afraid that I am so stuck in my routine, irritation and frustration that not much will change.

It was Bethany's death that made me realize how vitally important it is that I do everything I can to take full advantage of this amazing opportunity, of this chance to very literally hit the reset button on my entire life.

I made the first step this past week and scheduled an appointment with a therapist for the week after Christmas.  I'm making lists of healthy meals/recipes to try, and will go back to weekly meal planning.  I will make sure I take advantage of some of that time to take care of myself with exercise, massage, quiet trips to the grocery store. And I will make sure I'm home early enough most days of the week to spend quality time with the boys so our time together during the week will no longer be a frantic rush from dinner to bedtime.

I have been blessed with a pretty amazing life with two wonderful boys. I owe it to myself, to my boys and to Bethany's memory to be to the best job at living this life as I possibly can. It's time for me to get the most out of every single today we have left together, as tomorrow is promised to no one.

Bethany will be missed by those of us who loved her for her posts about her life with Elsie, by her friends, by her family, and most of all by her daughter.  My heart aches for Elsie, and for Bethany who would have been so sad to know she wouldn't be there to watch Elsie grow up.

Hug your children a little tighter tonight, my friends.  Sending love to all of you.

 







*By given, I mean I asked for it, and eventually got it.  Turns out it's true - the only way to get what you want is to go after it.

Mom Sets the Mood

Catching Pokemon

It's been two weeks that I've been trying to stay off Facebook.  I haven't been 100% successful - I log on to check something specific and get distracted by something I see there.  I posted a funny Finn story there yesterday because I just had to.  I've liked a few posts...but I've never spent more than 10 minutes there at one time (or really even in a day) in two weeks.

I've been more productive at night, I've been a little less grumpy and I'm not late in the morning (I had no idea how much time I wasted when first waking up every morning).  We'll see how the next two weeks go, but I think I'm going to stick to staying off my phone in the morning, and limiting FB to just short stretches instead of long browsing sessions.

My closet is slow going.  There was the suggestion to hire a professional organizer, which I have considered, but right now I'm going to do it on my own. I did read some articles by professional organizers after that suggestion which has helped me think about where to put things and how to arrange them: putting things you use frequently in places that are easy to get to, and storing things in ways that make it easy to keep them organized. Simple, right?  It would be faster to hire someone, and it would probably give me better results to have professional help, but I don't want to take a huge chunk of time away from the kids to get it done.  So slowly but surely, I'm making progress. Amazingly, after that, the only thing left is the garage, and it's just to darn hot to do that anytime soon.

In the meantime, it's less than a month before Finn starts kindergarten.  We have a few really fun plans for the remainder of the summer, but my number one goal is to start approaching our time together in the evening as time together, and not just a rush to get to bed.  I'm not sure where our evenings went wrong, but I've realized that I try so hard to protect my time with the boys, but then wasted all that effort by turning our evenings into a rushed and unpleasant mess.  Unfortunately, my attempt at an attitude adjustment was met with resistance tonight.  Not because the boys enjoy the rush, but because they've grown accustomed to the rush, they anticipate the power struggles and they're used to grumpiness.

Time to remember that I'm the grown up and it's up to me to set the mood for the family.  If I keep at it, they'll figure it out.



In case you were wondering what my Finn story was:

Today Finnegan informed me that there was no longer a need for a presidential campaign, as he and his friend Cooper have just been elected as the new Presidents of the United States.He even brought home the letter they had written to President Obama, telling him "thanks for all the hard work, but we've got it now."

The Future is No Place to Place Your Better Days

I've written here about how I've struggled with feeling overwhelmed, and how I've struggled to find the joy in every day.  I know a lot of it has to do with the stage of life I'm in right now, with two young children - but they are growing out of the age that is so horribly hard, and yet I'm still trying to find my balance.  I don't want to wake up in 15 years and have two kids getting ready to leave home and wonder why I didn't enjoy their childhood more.

A few months ago I listened to the audio version of Shonda Rhimes' memoir "The Year of Yes" and felt inspired by the renewal and joy she found from her year spent saying Yes to things that scared her.  Then this week I read "Loving My Actual Life" a memoir about the author's 9 month experiment to try to find more joy and meaning in her every day life.  Not as fabulous a read, but still interesting to follow her journey.

Naturally, I'm now thinking about my creating own challenge to help me get myself back on track - to reboot my life.  The thing is, I can't think of changes I'd like to make that fit into neat categories that I can tackle a month at a time.  Likewise, there's no one overarching theme (like saying yes to things that scare me) that I could use to tie it all together.  But there is the constant low level stress and aggravation from the clutter and utter lack of organization in my home - when I think of changes, this is all I can focus on. It's a project I've been working on for months and I've made a dent (including getting my entire downstairs redecorated last month) but there is still so much to do, and I've reached the point where it's going to take a lot more than an hour here and there to get it done.  And I just can't seem to get past the point of writing a list of all I need to do.

I've spent this past week, on my vacation in Florida visiting my parents, thinking about what's been standing in my way of actually putting my plans into action, and it embarrassingly comes down to one thing: Facebook.  I've used it for distraction for years, and since I recently became a member of a physician mommy group on there, it's even worse.  I'm certain I waste hours on it every week, maybe even every day.

Which means that step one in my life reboot is that I'm going to take a break from Facebook for the next month, starting Monday when I'm back to work.  (I will make a small exception for the Facebook group that has been created for the kindergarten families in my neighborhood, but I can set that up with email notifications to limit my time on FB.)

I'm going to use the time I'm off Facebook to devote focused energy at night to home organization and decluttering.  By the end of the month I should have a huge chunk that enormous project done - and I'm hoping once I'm nearing the end of it, I'll have a better idea of what's the next step to help me best enjoy the life I'm living now.

I've decided that I'm very specifically not giving up all social media - not Instagram and not blogs.  Instagram has become my favorite time capsule - I love being able to go back and see my favorite moments from the past few years just by scrolling through my own IG feed, and it only takes up a few minutes of my day to see what everyone I follow is up to. (If you're on IG and I don't follow you, share your user name here so I can add you!)  Plus there's the nice side effect of just feeling good from reading IG, while I've found that lately FB often leaves me angry or annoyed or disgusted with humanity.

I'm not sure if this is going to be a short project or a long term project, but as I mentioned in my last post, it's at least another year before I can cut my hours back at work, and at least two more years of staying in my current job.  I can't wait around for better days, I need to do something different now.

A Sad Tail

I was in the middle of interviewing a candidate for a physician's assistant job over lunch when I got the text from the nanny.

"Finn is going to be late for school."

"He slammed the door on Vader's tail."

I responded: "Is Vader ok?"

"Hold on. Um, no. He's going to need the vet. There's exposed bone."

The whole story (which I heard hours later, after I dealt with a plumbing issue that manifested in one of my patients almost getting a load of dirty toilet water from the office upstairs dumped on her head, saw some patients, stood as moral support and official photographer at the birth of a friend's baby and then delivered a 1 hour dinner lecture on diabetes management) was that Finn had been told to close the back door when it was time to leave for school.

"Close the door, Finn!" Finn complied by slamming the door just as the dog was running through.

Nanny M said she could tell something was wrong by the way the dog took off running.  She went to check on him, and when she opened the door, a one inch piece of his tail fell to the ground.  Nanny M got an upset Finn to school, and then took Vader to the vet, where the verdict was surgery.  So the next day, they cut off the exposed bone, sewed it up, and sent Vader home to heal.  And I'm pretty sure Vader is even more convinced that he was a horrible dog in a past life to deserve us as his forever family.

A few days later, I had some friends over and we held a small funeral for Vader's tail.  Finn said a few words, "Vader used to have a longer tail, a nice tail. But now part of it is gone. I will miss it," and then dropped the tail in the hole. I planted a forsythia bush above it, and we stood in a circle around the bush while I said a brief prayer. "Dear God, please help Vader heal well from this tragic accident, and not be in any more pain. Please help Finn to remember to never slam a door. Please let this forsythia bush grow big and healthy, so we can look at the beautiful flowers every spring and remember when Vader's tail was whole." (I might have giggled a bit at that last part.) There was an enthusiastic "Amen!" from all the attendees, and then we headed back inside to eat cupcakes brought by one of my friends who said, "I wasn't sure what to bring to a tail funeral, but I figured you could never go wrong with cupcakes."

The remaining part of Vader's tail has fully healed and he seems to be doing fine.  Though I've noticed that he now refuses to go out a door if Finn is standing anywhere near it.

Keeping it Together

I'm optimistically calling this post Keeping it Together, so I can pretend that I have a little bit of my life together right now.

Amazingly, I felt better after writing my last post, but even more so after reading the responses.  As someone said to me privately, everyone makes parenting look so easy - it's really nice to know I'm not alone in my exhaustion.

At least one person mentioned delayed postpartum depression (it really is a thing) as a possible issue. It has occurred to me.  But I don't know that I meet the criteria for true clinical depression.  I am actually happy a lot, there are many things I still enjoy.  But I do feel discouraged quite often as well, and like I said, lonely.  And my reserves are so terribly low - just a little misbehavior from my children can throw me for a loop. But still...it's on the list of things to talk to my doctor when I see her in a couple of weeks.

I am working on a few ideas to make my daily and weekly routine a little better - I'll share if any of them end up being really helpful! I already pay someone to my clean house, and Nanny M does a lot to help out. She does occasionally walk Vader for me when I've not been able to, but it is actually one chore I mostly enjoy.  It gets me some exercise and I have a little quiet time outside; once I drag myself out of bed I usually am happy I did.  I'm considering hiring someone to help with a few of the projects around the house - but right now just finding someone takes more than I have time to give.

More than anything, I need sleep.  It is amazing how hard it is to get enough, though.  There are so many things I need to do, and so many things I want to do...I have a hard time going to sleep when I have so much stuff I want to get done.  I'm working on it, though.

In 5 short weeks I'm going out of town for 4 nights, by myself, while my parents stay with the boys. It's a work conference, but I'm going to make sure I get lots of sleep, lots of good food and at least a couple of spa treatments.  I suspect that this long weekend might help more than anything else.

We had a family vacation a few weeks ago that was fun and did a lot to help relieve all the tension I've been feeling about work lately, but it's wasn't particularly restful.  If you follow me on Instagram you already saw all our pictures from our cruise, and most importantly, from the Star Wars day.  I was not as rested before the trip as I wanted to be (and on the first night, in the airport hotel, Zachary pooped on the floor and Finn locked us out of the bathroom in the space of 5 minutes...it was not a great start to our trip!) so I don't think I was as patient as I should have been, but the boys had fun. I know we'll do another one...in a few years.

Hard Days

Before kids, I had no idea it was possible to be blissfully happy and absolutely exhausted and miserable at the exact same time. I have (almost) everything I ever wanted: kids, the career I always dreamed of, a nice house, enough money to travel, and I am so very thankful.  There's not a day goes by that I'm not struck at least once by how much I love my boys and how lucky I am to have them.

But this shit is fucking hard.

I am tired, all the time. I'm more grumpy with my kids than I should be.  My neck and shoulders and back hurt constantly, and so even though I'm getting to bed most nights in time to get at least 7 hours of sleep, I never get a good solid sleep because I hurt. And I end up with a 4-5 day migraine at least once a month. I weigh 15 pounds more than I should.  I hate my hair color. Work politics suck, and I'm not doing a good enough job at keeping afloat with the basics of patient care to be able to be as vocal as I want to be about those issues. I frequently forget to pay a bill or return patient messages or friend's phone calls or to wish someone important a happy birthday or to actually let the people who are important to me know that I'm thinking of them with a text or an email or a phone call because oh my gosh I'm just too tired to even try.

I get home at night and have a few hours with my kids with dinner, a little playtime and then it's time to get ready for bed. Once the kids are in bed I have an average of 90 minutes to do everything else I need to do - walk the dog, do laundry, wash dishes, prepare meal plans, pay bills (why can't everyone allow autopay?), reply to emails - and there's never enough time, so the things I want to do - catch up with friends, edit pictures, watch tv, read a book, write a blog entry, comment on blogs - never get done.

Most surprising to me is how lonely I am.  I have really good friends both locally and far away, I have support when I need it, and yet I'm still alone a lot.  And I know I could ease some of that loneliness by reaching out...but then there's that whole pesky exhaustion and lack of time thing getting in the way again.

It's at this point that I'm sure someone out there wants to tell me to stop my whining, adding: "you asked for this!"

I did.  And I'd do it all over again.  But it is hard in ways that I never could have imagined.

And right now, something has to give.  There's a lot in life right now that I can't change.  But I am going to work on taking better care of myself physically.  I made an appointment with my family doctor to get a physical to make sure that there's no unsuspected health issue going on. I am going to call tomorrow to make an appointment for a massage, and then book every other week massages until my neck and shoulder pain is significantly better. I hate taking extra time away from my kids, but this is something I have to do. I made an appointment (for the end of March, the earliest my schedule will allow) to see someone new to fix my hair color - that won't make my body feel any better, but it sure will make me feel better every time I look in the mirror.

I'm also going to make the time to blog more often.  Even if no one is still reading, it feels good to get everything down in writing.  I'll try not to complain quite so much next time.

Living the Dream

There's a bedtime story I like to tell Finn that starts like this: "Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Shannon.  Shannon liked to read books, ride her bike, to take pictures, and play with her friends.  And she had two big dreams - to be a doctor and to be a mommy."

Driving to work on Friday it suddenly occurred to me that I have finally accomplished both of my big dreams.  As of July, I'll have been in my practice for 10 years.  As as of this February, I'm finally the mom to two kids. My entire adult life has been spent working towards being a doctor and being a mom, and even after Finn was born I was still thinking of efforts to conceive my second child.  While I'd be happy having even more children, I don't think it's a realistic possibility as long as I remain single.  And for the first time in my life, I really have absolutely no interest in meeting a man.

Which means that I find myself in the very foreign situation of just living for now. Of course I think of what the boys and I will do as they get older, both the mundane daily activities and the fun adventures, but I know those are going to come with time.  I don't have to work for them.  My focus is finally where it should be: living for today.

Is it weird that it kinda scares me? There's a part of me that feels like I need to be absolutely perfect.  I have the life I've dreamed of for years, complete with the wonderful house, and it seems like I should be the model mom, never losing my temper and always finding joy in every second of parenting. And so I feel guilty when I yell at Finn, or don't do enough to nurture him through something that upsets him, or let Zachary cry for a few minutes because my shoulders hurt from carrying his massive weight around, and I just need a rest. I feel guilty even though I know I'm going to mess up, I'm going to make mistakes, and we're going to have bad days and nights (last night Finn woke up with a stuffed up nose, crying, "I can't smell!" - funny and miserable all at the same time). Somehow I need to learn to allow myself to be ok with the reality that I'm not the perfect mom.  I suspect that feeling guilty and being fixated on the unobtainable quest for perfection will actually keep me from being as good a mom as I could be.  My kids don't need perfection.  They just need a mom who makes them feel loved, laughs at their jokes, and is fairly consistent with setting rules and boundaries.  It's just not as easy and straight forward as I somehow thought it would be, back when I imagined my life with children.

This sounds a little like I'm complaining, but I'm not. I know how incredibly lucky I am and I honestly don't quite believe it.  I keep expecting to wake up and find it's been a dream, or to have someone show up at my front door and say, "Just kidding! None of this is yours, take your cat and go back to your little apartment, all alone, where you belong."

Does this feeling of unreality ever go away?  Maybe after a few months of the daily grind of work and little sleep, I'll finally believe it's true.  Or maybe I'll never quite get over the sense of shock and wonder that comes when I suddenly realize I have two little boys in my life who call me mommy.

I'm going to try to enjoy it all - but also not beat myself up for the times I just want to lock myself in my bathroom to get a few minutes of peace and quiet.

Frustrated with Myself

I am really not happy with my parenting skills - or lack thereof - these days.  The past few weeks have been incredibly trying.  We've been struggling with sleep issues around here for ages, but it's been much worse lately.  I'm working on fixing it, but it's slow going and is resulting in very little time to myself at night and lots of sleep deprivation for Finn.

I'm just so tired.  And I'm so short tempered as a result, which is a bad combination with a sleep deprived 2 year old.  The past two weekends (and the evenings) have been so hard with Finn being a typical toddler - defiant, difficult and demanding - and me feeling like a shrew as a result.  I know I could handle a lot of this better.  I know I could defuse many of the situations that get out of hand if I responded the right way.  And I generally know the right way.  But I'm just so tired, I don't have the patience to respond with a sense of humor and calm demeanor that is needed.  I don't have the energy to be the mom that I want to be and know I can be.  I really don't like who I am as a mom right now, and am shocked that Finn still wants to spend any time with me at all.

I need a break.  Just a few hours.  Every minute that I am awake and Finn is in bed I should be doing something (and tonight that something is not scheduled to be talking to my sister or blogging, but that's what I'm doing).  So I stay up too late, and then I'm even more tired.  And I need even more of a break.

Tonight I got some bad news.  My 90 year old grandmother passed away this afternoon.  She's been in gradual decline over the past few years, so it's not an absolute shock, but still unexpected, as there was no illness or real change lately that gave us any warning that the end was imminent. We were very close when I was younger, but have not been as close since I've been older - it's been especially hard the past few years as she's aged and has changed so much from the woman I remember.  I'm going to try to remember the woman who told me bedtime stories of the glamorous life I would lead when I grew up, who would give me hot dogs and Butterfingers for lunch every day, and who would come in from working in the garden wiping her face with a little smile and say, "the sweat is just a rollin'!"

I feel very guilty, but I don't think Finn and I will be able to make it to the funeral. I'd love to be able to go, I'd love to be able to see my family, but the thought of the travel right now...I just can't even imagine mustering up the energy to get myself down there, much less Finn.  My mom sent an email tonight that said she had lunch with my grandmom today, and she'd asked about us.  And then said that my grandmom would understand if we couldn't make it.  I still feel horrible that I'm even considering not going.

And tonight was a low point in my parenting.  Lots of crying from Finn and me both.  I hope I'm not scaring him for life.

Finn with his Great-Grandmom two years ago

"You're Home, Mommy"

We had a rough weekend, Finn and I did.  I had underestimated the physical effect of the stress of the past few months on me, and I underestimated the effects of the stress on Finn.

Saturday was probably the worst.  I felt awful with a headache, nausea and fatigue, Finn refused to nap, and the day ended with an enormous meltdown of epic proportions from Finn.  I held it together, stayed calm, and was really proud of how well I controlled my temper while he screamed and yelled and clearly scared even himself.  He finally calmed down and allowed me to comfort him, and then put his pjs on so we could have story time.  I started to read to him, and to my surprise, I started crying.  It took Finn a minute to realize I was crying, and then he turned to me and said, "What's happening to you? What's happening?"  I told him I was just tired and sad, and he started kissing my arm, and then turned around so he could kiss my cheek.  "It's ok, Mommy.  I wuv you."

Then as I was tucking him in to bed a little while later, he reached his hands up to face and said, "You're home, Mommy.  You're home."

He's done that a lot lately.  He'll just turn to me and say with a huge smile on his face, "You're home, Mommy."

The funny thing is, except for Sunday morning studying, I've been home as much, if not more, than usual over the past few months.  But when I've been home, I've not always been present.  I've either not felt well, or been preoccupied with studying and all the other crazy things going on right now. I've been overwhelmed, and Finn has definitely noticed.

My boards are over, but there's still a lot going on that has me stressed and distracted.  But I need to find a way to keep that stress out of the few hours that Finn and I have together - it's clear that he needs me to do that. We only have a few more months of a being a Mom and Finn family, and I want to savor it.

And while today's stressors will be gone by the time Chimi arrives, life is stressful.  Life as a single mom with two kids is going to be stressful.  I need to figure out some coping strategies now and figure out how to be fully present when I'm home.

One important part is learning to really take better care of myself.  My body let me know this weekend that I've got to get better at that. Today I'm back to eating healthier, and I'm (still) trying to get to sleep by 10pm every night.  I've decided to start rationing my time after Finn goes to sleep, which means that I'll have nights that are for work catchup, nights that are for blogging and catching up online, and nights that are for reading or watching TV. Somehow I've got to figure out how to get some exercise in, but for now I'll stick with walks with Finn and work from there.

I know I'm not the only single mom (or married mom for that matter) who struggles with this.  How do you destress and take care of yourself? What do you do to be fully present when you're home with your kids? I'd love to hear what others do.

I feel in a strange sense of limbo right now, as life will change drastically once Chimi is here, and then I'll be on maternity leave for 3 months, and all will change when I go back to work in the late spring.  But I think I need to build a better foundation now, if nothing else to make the next 4 months a lot more enjoyable for both of us.

Mama Guilt

I was prepared for the first trimester to be hard.  I was not prepared for the guilt.  I feel so guilty that Finn watches an hour or more of tv every night, instead of going on an evening walk with me, helping me in the kitchen, or just hanging out together outside.  I feel guilty that I'm not as active playing with him on the floor or chasing him around the house.

I feel guilty that I'm not cooking meals, and I'm not eating healthy (unless you call baked potatoes and Bojangle's egg and cheese biscuits healthy.  And as of today, I can't do the biscuits anymore.)  I know how important a healthy diet is for the baby's health, and yet I can't stomach the thought of a vegetable right now.

I feel guilty that I don't listen to my pregnancy meditation at night with my hands over my lower abdomen, imaging the new life growing.  I really feel guilty that the most I think about this pregnancy is how bad it's making me feel, and how much I hope Finn will like being a big brother.

I feel guilty that I'm doing such a crappy job studying for boards.  I do NOT want to have to retake them next year, but at the rate I'm going, that's exactly what I'll be doing.  But I just can't focus, or manage to stay awake long enough to be productive.

I even feel guilty about complaining when I know I'm damn lucky to be 42 and pregnant with my second child, when so many are still trying for their first.

This shit is hard.  I know it's worth it - oh, it will be so worth it.  But right now, it sucks.  And I really wish I were married, or had someone who could help shoulder a little bit of the responsibility for just a little while.  But then I'd probably feel guilty about that, too!

Ok, I'm going to stop whining and go to bed.  Thanks for listening.

Long Week

This has been a long and horrible week.  Last Friday, my coworker (Patti) who has been battling ovarian cancer since before Finn was born, passed away.  She was an amazing woman, always ready with a smile, even when she felt like crap from chemo and all that comes with it.  She'd been out for the past month, and we were expecting her death, but man it just sucks.  Her funeral was last night, and it was lovely and sad, and Patti would have hated us all sitting there crying.  So we tried to laugh some, too.  I got up and spoke, and made it to the very end, then started crying.  At least was able to say some things about her that made people laugh before I broke down.

That would have made this week bad enough, but then Finn got thrush, and woke up with a fever on Easter (this makes the 3rd major religious holiday in a row that he's had a fever.  What's up with that?)  He's also been stuffy and just not feeling well most of the week, and even though it's clearing up, his mouth hurts.  So he doesn't eat much during the day, but then wakes up at 3am demanding food, "Eat! Pouch! Eat!" He loves those organic squeeze pouches and I'm sure they don't hurt his mouth the way other food does.  I know he's really hungry, so I have to give in and get him something.  But that means that we're up for at least an hour, if not longer every night, as he's wide awake after he eats.

Monday morning I woke up with the allergies/sinus crud, too.  I've felt horrible all week, and only today have I managed to not feel as though my head was about to explode.  Add to that, our cable went out, our hot water heater stopped working and yeah, this week has been a crap week.

Nanny M texted me earlier today to tell me that Finn was still being really difficult.  She couldn't get him to nap (which never happens), he had multiple meltdowns and was just miserable.  But then I got home and he was happy and cheery. We went for a walk, we visited the neighbors, he ate almost two whole yogurts for his evening snack (I finally wised up and gave him a snack before bed), and we danced.  He was a little grumpy when he first got in the bathtub, but then that passed and he and I had fun throwing his toys and making big splashes.  We read a few stories, and then he was asleep within 5 minutes of me turning out the light.  I held him for another 15 minutes after he fell asleep, enjoying the clean baby smell and the fact that there was no bedtime battle tonight.

After a really crappy week, it made me feel good to know that Finn just needed his mommy today.  Tonight was one of those warm, snuggly times that make the bad times of parenting worth it.  Nothing spectacular, just a happy evening.

Home

Helping Nanny M with grocery shopping

Friday night I walked off the shuttle bus and into the airport with just my purse and my overnight bag.  As I walked through the doors I marveled at how much easier it was to do this without pushing a stroller while carrying an overloaded backpack, a car seat and dragging a huge suitcase behind me.  I breezed through security and it all felt so familiar: the routine, the noise, the anticipation, all so much like the many other trips I've taken over the years.  I remembered how much I loved this part of my life and for a few minutes my life with Finn seemed like a dream. I miss this - the freedom, the excitement of a trip on my own.  And for a moment, I could almost make myself believe that I'd just imagined having a baby.

And then Nanny M called on FaceTime, and I got to talk to Finn over a margarita and a salad, and reality was restored.  Finn hasn't quite figured out FaceTime, but he did like making faces at me, and giving me kisses.

The flight was delayed and long, but otherwise uneventful; it was after midnight eastern time before I was in bed.  I was expecting a long, deep sleep in my quiet hotel room, but I tossed and turned all night.  I've realized that I do this most nights at home, too, anticipating Finn will be coming to bed with me.  But that's an issue for another day.  I slept horribly until - unfortunately - right before it was time for me to get up. I heard noise in the hallway, and thinking it was around 4 am, thought to look at the clock to know if it was worth trying to go back to sleep.  And it was 7:47.  The conference started at 8.  Somehow I showered and made it downstairs, got breakfast and was seated in the lecture hall by 8:10.  The conference was very well done, and I had no trouble paying attention, and that left me little time to miss Finn.  Nanny M did send me a few pictures at naptime, which made the day a little easier, too.  She assured me that Finn was fine without me, though he did keep asking for Mommy.  The conference was over at 4, and I made it back to the airport in time to get dinner and then was on a plane back home.

The plane bringing me home couldn't fly fast enough, and seemed like it took twice as long to get home as it did to get there.  As I sat on the shuttle bus taking me to my car, I had the realization that this homecoming was so different from all my return trips in the past.  Getting home was always a melancholy experience for me.  A fun trip was behind me, and all I had waiting at home for me was my two sweet, but quiet cats.  It was always on the shuttle bus that I'd start to feel sad and very alone. But this time I had Finn waiting at home for me. I already knew this, but this trip reminded me that while I do miss traveling, and I do miss my alone time, being a mommy more than makes up for the things I've given up.

Finn was sound asleep when I got home, but he came to bed around 3am (while I waited not so patiently, but I'm still hoping he'll eventually sleep through the night in his own bed, so I didn't want to bring him to bed with me before he was ready).  He grinned from ear to ear when he realized it was me in the bed, and then demanded I go get the pacifier he'd left in his bed, sending me off with a cheery "Bye!"  When I came back to bed, he curled up next to me, said, "Snuggle Mommy."  And we both went to sleep.

(Unfortunately, tonight's bedtime wasn't as easy, but again - that's an issue for another day.)

Lessons from The Doctor

I've gotten pretty good with scheduling my week - every Monday I'm filling in my calendar for the week with the tasks I need to do in the evening, and I'm (usually) sticking to it.  I'm still not getting everything done though, and I have no idea how on earth I'm going to get it all done when I start studying for boards.  Not to mention how I'll get it all done when I have two babies.  It worries me a lot.  I am so glad that I have Finn, and I desperately hope for another baby, but I'm worried about how I'm going to make it work when we become a family of three.

Right now there's usually a little time for blogging or commenting in the evening, but I'm afraid that's getting to be less and less.  Which doesn't make me happy - the support, knowledge and entertainment that I find from the blogging community has helped keep me sane.


To add to all this, a few weeks ago I discovered Doctor Who (don't tune out, this is all related, I swear!) I was looking for something on Netflix to have on in the background while I do my paperwork every night.  I'd always thought it would be something I'd like, and it turns out I was right.

At first, I would actually get work done while watching the episodes, but the more I watched, the more I was sucked into the characters, and I began to get very little work done while watching.  This is the first time since I've been back at work after maternity leave that I have found myself watching tv (or a movie) without doing something else.  At first it felt frivolous, but then it began to feel essential.

I love good stories and good storytelling - books, movies or tv, it doesn't matter.  And yet I've all but given up on them in the past year and a half.  The counselor I met for my DE cycle clearance mentioned that I needed to find time for myself.  When she said that, I thought that time with my online friends was probably enough, though I did admit that I could probably stand to have more evenings out with friends and without Finn.  But the sheer enjoyment I've found from a 43 minute episode of Dr. Who has made it pretty obvious that it's not enough.  I need to find the time to indulge in some quality tv time every week.  (Books are out, as I know I'd stay up all night reading if I started a good book!)  It seems crazy, but watching one or two episodes a week helps me feel more centered in life.  I guess it's the act of letting my mind relax and just be entertained without any other thought than the fun in the story that I've really been missing.

I really don't know how I'm going to figure this all out.  If anyone has any suggestions, please share!  I love my life...but I desperately need to figure out how to get more time in the day, and to find a little time that is just for me.

I'll end this post with pictures from our walk in the "woods" after the snow had mostly melted last weekend.  It was a wonderful hour in the chilly sunlight; I'm looking forward to more of these types of afternoons!

Getting my shit together

Perhaps the biggest worry I have about having two children is the fear of how I'm going to be able to balance being a mom with the rest of my life. How I'm going to pay the bills, keep house, do my job, and study for boards (I have to recertify in two years).  I've been doing such a poor job at it lately, it's a very real concern.

A few weeks ago I talked with my wonderful friend Heidi who listened all the things I felt I needed to get done, and helped me prioritize the most pressing issues (like filing my taxes).  We came up with a two week plan, and I accomplished everything on the list.  And wouldn't you know, inertia works both ways! Now that I've finally finished those tasks that were so important, and so overwhelming, everything else doesn't seem as hard.  I've planted pansies in my garden.  I've finished unpacking the boxes in the guest bedroom.  I've gone through my piles of papers and organized them in a file box (that even has a place for this year's taxes) and found a system that works for me to keep me from getting this far behind again.

I'm not where I need to be, but it's definitely better.  I can actually believe that I might find a way to make it all work.  I'm not a naturally organized person, but I can learn to be.  As a single mom, I don't think I have a choice!

********

I'm 8dpIUI - starting at about 5dpIUI I had a lot of lower abdominal achiness that lasted several days.  I had it last cycle at about the same time, too, but last time was more crampy than achy, and it only lasted a day, so maybe it was different?  I'm not sure if it's still there or not - I had some lower GI issues Sunday morning, and have had gas pains and bloating ever since, which is making it hard to tell if there's also something going on in my uterus, too!

This morning when playing on the floor with Finn I felt some of the achiness and had the thought, "I think I'm really pregnant!"  Of course, not 3 hours later I found myself thinking, "There's no way I'm pregnant."  Crazy.

No idea if I'm going to test on Wednesday (10dpIUI) or wait a few more days.  I'd like to hold out until Friday, but I'm just not sure I can wait that long.

A Day in the Life

There have been a bunch of posts lately - started by Ali's brilliant idea, I think - about daily routines.  I've loved reading about other's schedules, and think that women who are thinking about becoming an SMC would love to read them, too.  So of course I'm going to share my day, as well!



7am - wake up and cuddle with Finn.  If he's asleep when my alarm goes off, I'll hit snooze, or get my phone and check emails and FB.  He usually will wake up by 7:10 so we will read a book, play and be silly or just cuddle until about 7:25.  Sometimes he takes longer to wake up and then I end up being late because I still want to spend that time with him.

8:20 - Nanny M gets here, comes upstairs and gets Finn while I (frantically) try to finish getting ready.  She changes his diaper and gets him dressed for the day, then we go down together.  Finn has started to fuss when I leave but is usually easily distracted by promises of breakfast.

8:30-8:40 - leave for work.  I should leave at 8:30 to get there on time (9), but I'm usually late.

5:00 - leave for home. Traffic coming home is much worse than going to work, so I don't usually get home until at least 5:45, sometimes 6.

6-7pm - Play outside for a little bit if it's nice. Finn has usually eaten dinner already, so he has a small snack while I eat dinner (usually a peanut butter sandwich these days, but also leftovers of real food at least 2 times a week).  Sometimes he eats what I'm eating, other times just veggies or fruit and cheese.

7pm - head up for bathtime. Occasionally I skip this step, but he loves bathtime, so he usually gets one.  After bath, he gets into his pjs, brushes his teeth and then we get in my bed for storytime and a cup of milk.  He'll usually pay attention to a couple of stories, and when he's done, we head downstairs.

8ish - head out for our walk.  Finn sometimes falls asleep right away, other times takes 30 minutes.  I aim to get 20-45 minutes of walking a night, but in the summer I usually walked for an hour.  If it's raining, I'll rock him to sleep, but otherwise it's the stroller.

The family bed

8:45 - Finn usually transfers quietly to his crib.  I then spend the rest of the evening cleaning up, then trying to get work done and also check out some blogs, answer emails and pay bills.  I try to go to bed by 11pm, so I never get to everything I need to get done.

Sometime between 11pm and 3am - Finn wakes up and comes to bed with me.  I sleep so much more comfortably with him in his crib, but I feel much more restful when he's in the bed with me.  It's my favorite time of the day some days.


***8dpIUI today - had a bunch of uterine twinges and mild cramping/pulling all day Wednesday (5dpIUI) and have had heartburn since Tuesday.  It's anybody's guess whether these are real symptoms or just my mind playing tricks on me.  Though Gille did have a dream that I got an early BFP---so I'm definitely POAS on Sunday.  :)

Disaster Waiting to Happen

Oops.

Finn woke up this morning with a fake burp, followed by a giggle.

I woke up to a phone call from the anesthesiologist's billing office reminding me that I haven't paid their bill from Finn's MRI in May.  Oops.

I am such a disorganized mess these days. I'm sure that's not the only bill I've missed paying - if it's not automatically withdrawn from my account, I tend to miss the bill.  I filled an extension on my taxes this year and haven't done a thing towards getting them done yet.  I changed from one TV service to another 3 or more weeks ago because the new company is cheaper, but I haven't cancelled the old service yet. The washing machine in my condo is broken, and I haven't arranged to get it fixed yet (luckily my tennet is out of town). I have boxes that still aren't unpacked stacked high in the guest bedroom.  My closet and dresser drawers have yet to be fully sorted out (I'm wearing the same clothes over and over again).  Finn's nursery, his toys, his clothes are not at all in order - I still have furniture left to buy for his room and for the living room/playroom.  I have work training long overdue, and the thoughts of my endocrine boards looming on the horizon.  My parents never got mother's day/father's day cards or gifts from me.  Several friends still haven't gotten their Christmas presents.  I have birthday cards and other cards scattered around the house, none of them sent - and I love sending cards.

And yet I'm sitting here, blogging instead of getting things done.

I think I'm so overwhelmed with all that needs to get done, that all I manage to do is the basics every day, and the rest just goes by the wayside.  It's working now, but it clearly won't continue to work.  I've got to get my act together before I end up ruining my credit and failing my boards.

As soon as I sign off tonight I'm going to make a list, a list organized in order of urgency (obviously the boxes in the guest bedroom are at the bottom of the list).  And then I'm going to start marking things off the list until it's all done and I can concentrate on the business of getting knocked up.

Does anyone have any suggestions for bill organizers?  Card organizers?  Any other ideas?

One issue has to be resolved quickly and just can't wait.  My period is due sometime this week (hopefully later in the week, as there's currently a very large, very well televised convention going on in my city, and it stands between me and my RE's office).  For every IUI, I wore a different pair of socks.  The socks I wore at my IUI with Finn were definitely my lucky socks.  I carried them in my purse after my IUI until the day Finn was born, and then I wore them on my hands when I got cold while in labor, and on my feet when he was delivered.  And now I'm wondering what I should do with my next IUI.  Should I buy a new pair of lucky socks?  Or should I wear the ones I wore with Finn?

Superstition.  It's a tricky business.

Please take a second and weigh in on my poll to the right! Poll is now closed - thanks to those who voted!

Two Week Recap

This past week and a half has been so full - amazingly so - that I've barely had time to breathe, much less do more than a few quick comments on blogs.  It already feels like Finn's MRI was a month ago, not just 7 days ago.  This is just a bunch of random things all squashed together in one post.  Don't look for any cohesive theme or transitional sentences.  They aren't here!

Last weekend we used a conference as the perfect excuse to escape to the beach for a few days.  Finn, Nanny M and I drove down on Friday night after work.  This was the first long car ride Finn has done...and Nanny M ended up riding in the back seat for most of it.  Even then, Finn wanted to hold my hand while I was driving.  He has become very attached the past few weeks.  It's wonderful to feel so loved but also exhausting!

Saturday morning I sat through a bunch of lectures, then met Nanny M and Finn out on the beach after lunch.  I sat in a beach chair wearing my conference clothes (my pants were pajama bottoms, but I'm pretty sure no one noticed and I was SO comfy!) for almost an hour before taking Finn up for his nap and leaving Nanny M to enjoy herself on the beach.  Up in the hotel room I let a naked Finn run around after his bath, which then led to him peeing on a wall for the first time.  They grow up so fast.

Both nights he slept horribly.  Waking up, tossing and turning and just fussing a little, not actually crying.  Saturday night when I got up to try to rock him back to sleep, Nanny M sat up and said she'd take him.

It was so amazing.

My child was fussy and awake, and someone else took him so I could sleep.  This must be what married women experience when their children are fussy.

Sunday we stayed after the conference was over to spend time at the pool, then loaded up the car a little past Finn's naptime, so he slept more than half the way home.  Which means that Nanny M got to sit in the front seat for more than half the trip!

My parents have been here since Wednesday.  Because Finn is so attached to me these days, they haven't really been able to help me with him as much as I'd like, but it is nice to have a second set of hands when getting things out of the car, or fixing him a meal.  It was great being able to leave on Saturday morning for a massage and not have to pay someone to watch him.  It was even nicer being able to stay gone longer so I could visit SingleMomBB and meet little Ella! I got to hold her for a little bit - and ended up staying much longer than I'd planned because she is such a sweet and cuddly little girl! I could have sat there and stared at her precious little face all day.

After leaving so Ella could get her bath, I headed home to find Finn waiting at the door for me.  We packed up and headed out to a local center that rehabs hawks, eagles and other raptors.  Unfortunately we missed the show where they let some of the birds out to fly, but I did get the chance to have this ridiculous picture taken:

Finn seems to learn something new every day.  He can now understand simple requests, as well as two step requests - sometimes really surprising me with how much he understands.  His favorite word is "no" (of course), and he uses it even when he doesn't mean it, just because he likes the sound of it.  He knocks on door when they're closed, he insists on feeding the cats their dry food, can high five, knuckle bump and is currently obsessed with his belly button.

Of all the things he's learned lately, the worst was tonight.  I made a huge mistake.  I taught him how to fake burp.  He burped while in the tub and when I asked him if he'd burped, he giggled.  So then I fake burped and said, "Excuse me!" in an attempt to teach him manners.  He thought it was funny, so I did it again.  And again. And again.  And then he tried to fake burp and made the funniest sounds ever. We were both crying from laughing, but I know it's going to come back to haunt me one day!

A Night in Pictures

The past week or so, Finn has decided to stay up later than usual.  So instead of our quick and short evenings together, the past two nights we've had several hours together.  I haven't gotten as much work done as I should, but it's been great having that much time with him.  Last night we were having such a good time, I broke out the camera - some of the pictures are a little dark, but it was early evening and I was trying to avoid the flash.  

Finn's dinner is now shared with me, and he eats what I eat.  He's taken to wanting to feed me a few bites, which he thinks is hilarious, and also wanting to sample some of what's on my plate, even though we have the same food.

Mexican chicken - yum!

Then we've practiced sign language - his technique is a little off, but the message is clear.

More!

More!

More!

In the time it takes for him to eat his dinner, I eat my dinner, have an apple (which I share with Finn) for dessert and clean the kitchen.  He's a very slow eater. Perhaps I should learn from his example and eat a little more slowly, too.  It's supposed to make it easier to eat less when you eat more slowly, right?  For the past two nights, while he's eating, he's also been drinking.  Drinking what, you ask?  Drinking breast milk!  From a sippy cup!  So far it hasn't made a difference in how much he nurses at night.  Ok, so it didn't make much of a difference last night.  But maybe tonight!

Yay mommy's milk!

After he gets cleaned up (it's much harder to clean him up when he's fed himself than when I feed him), it's time to play on the floor.

Not this toy

Are you talking to me?

And now - we dance!

There's lots of giggles, playing with toys and general goofiness before heading upstairs for bed.  From here we stick to our regular routine: bath (not every night), bedtime music, soft lights, a little playtime and then a few stories.  He still fights going to sleep, but the slightly later bedtime has cut down the fight time to about 20-30 minutes.  Still way too long, but it's not as bad as it was.  He still does the up and down thing but it takes a lot less time for him to settle down and go to sleep, and so it's easier for me to tolerate without getting frustrated.  And he has (for the most part) stopped trying to throw himself off the side of the bed.  Never thought a highlight of my days would be when my baby gives up on trying to take a header off the bed.

I love these evenings.  The thing about babies is that the routine is always changing, but I hope this one stays around a while.

Before bedtime cuddles

On a completely unrelated note - several people asked me about the eggless, wheatless cake mix I got for Finn. I got it from Earth Fare, made by Cherrybrook Kitchen.  I'll let you know how it tastes!