A Preschooler's Prayer

Finn started preschool today, and  I'm acutely aware that this time next year I'll be sharing "first day of kindergarten" pictures... which of course means it's only a few years before I'm sending him off to college.

It's a new school - I moved him from the preschool he was at last year to one that follows the Reggio Emilia approach to education, which I think fits our family better than his previous school.  And, it's only a few minutes from home!  He's in the afternoon session, so I can pick him up a few days a week, as well.

It was a short day with only half his class to allow him time to get comfortable in the classroom, but knowing my boy, it will take a few weeks before he's at home there.  It's such a beautiful space, and his teachers seem lovely - I'm so excited to watch him learn and grow this year.

At bedtime tonight, he said he wanted to say his prayers.  I was expecting something about his first day of school in his prayers. This is what he said:

"Dear God:
"Please turn our house into a ship.
"And then turn me into a Jedi.
"And when you do, give me a real light saber and an astroblaster.
"Then teach me the ways of the Force, so I can fight the bad guys.
"Thank you.  Amen."

First Day!

Finn was so excited this morning when he realized it was his first day of school.  He jumped out of the bed and said, "Come on, Mommy!  We need to get my backpack!" He was very disappointed when he realized that we actually had to get ready. Nanny M came over at her usual time and helped speed up the getting ready process, and we had time for pictures before heading off to school.

Last night we'd practiced his first morning of school (Finn is very in to role playing these days), and we talked about it again on the way to school.  I shared with him the one piece of advice I wish someone had told me years ago: it was everyone else's first day of school, and so he wasn't the only one who would be nervous this morning.  I'm not sure he really understood, but I'm going to be sure to repeat it every first day from now on!

We got to school just a few minutes before the doors opened, and as soon as they did, we headed down the hall to his classroom.  We hung up his backpack and stowed his lunch box, then he washed his hands before going into his classroom.  It took him a few minutes to decide on his seat, but by the time he sat down, he was ready for me to go.  I gave him a hug and a kiss and left him playing at a table with a bunch of other boys.  I'm not sure he even looked up as I walked out the door.  I made it to the car before the tears hit, but they passed quickly, thank goodness.

I took the entire day off, so I went to a coffee shop and worked on charts and other boring work stuff while watching the clock and wondering how Finn was doing.  Finally it was time to pick him up - I walked into his classroom right at 1pm, and he and another kid were the only ones left.  (I had no idea everyone else would be picking up their kids early!)  He saw me and his entire face lit up.  I picked him up and got the best and longest hug I've gotten in a long time.  His teachers said he'd had a good day and he said he was excited to come back again tomorrow.

We went from school to get ice cream while I tried to pry details about his day from him.  I even tried asking him specific questions (What was the best part of your day? Did you make any friends? What songs did you sing? Did you learn any letters?  What story did you hear today?) but he was not giving up much information.  One thing he was clear about was that he couldn't wait to get home to tell Zachary about his day. He gave Nanny M a hug and talked to her for a minute, and then ran straight over to Zachary and sat there talking to him for at least 5 minutes while Nanny M and I talked.  I love watching the two of them.

A few hours after we got home he started to play school, and it was there that I heard most of what happened.  He shared with me a lot of the rules ("You don't take your pants and shoes off to go potty," was my favorite) and said lots of things like, "Ok boys and girls, line up and follow your teacher!"  I heard lots of snippets about things that kids ("my friends") said during the day - I really can't wait to start hearing stories about all his classmates and watching him grow and learn.

He told me that his best part of the day was "when you came to pick me up!" but after a little prodding, he also said that the letter they learned today was "F".  "And when the teacher asked if anyone knew what the letter was, I raised my hand and said it was F for Finn!"  He gets his letter on his very first day?  Sounds like the perfect start to a good year.

Dreams of Routines

One of the most frustrating things about having kids is that just when you think you've got a good routine going, something changes and it throws everything off.  And right now, the big thing is that we just can't quite settle into a good routine.  I feel *so close* to getting into that elusive groove where we have a routine that works, but I just can't quite get there.  Even though I know it will be transient, especially with a baby in the house, I sure hope I can find a good routine that works for us, soon.

Friday afternoon, Finn had his 3 year check up (a few months late).  He's smack dab in the 60th percentile for weight and height (39 inches and 34 pounds), and was such a joy in the appointment.  As his pediatrician walked out of the room he turned to me and grinned, "That was fun!"  We then stopped at a card store to buy a birthday present for Nanny M.  The clerk in the store glared at us when we walked in, but Finn was the perfect shopper, listening to me when I told him to look instead of touch, and did a stellar job of picking out Nanny M's birthday presents.  (Though he insisted on adding a toothbrush to her gift bag when we were at Targ.et - my assistant gave him a couple of toothbrushes last week that light up, and he now thinks toothbrushes are the very. best. gift. ever.) We had such a lovely afternoon.  I'm really going to have to find a way to make sure we get one on one time like that away from home a little more often.  Dr. Laura Markham recommends giving each child 15 minutes of "special time" every day.  I just cannot figure out how to do that with two kids and one parent.  I've managed to do "Finnegan Time" a few days, and he loves it, but it's such a struggle to figure out how to fit it in. Again, that elusive routine that works.

Here's this week's pictures (I swear, this 365 project is the main thing that keeps me posting on a regular basis!)

8/6/14: not a great picture, but I just love the way Z is touching his big brother

8/7/14: F got everyone sick this past week - and poor Z need a lot of rocking and snuggling

8/8/14: green beans are messy! (pic by Nanny M, feeding by mommy)

8/9/14: Zachary's room has the best late afternoon light - there will be many more pics in here

8/10/14: he's a much happier baby now that it's easier for him to sit up

8/11/14: hi mom!

8/12/14: such a cute face

Three!

Happy 3rd Birthday, my sweet boy!  I hope you'll forgive me, as I'm exhausted as I write this, so I don't think I'll be terribly eloquent.  But I wanted to write about who you are today, a new 3 year old, before the days get away from me and I forget the details of the wonderfulness that is you at this age right now.

I'm never sure exactly what to call you - Elsa? Simba? Jake? Daniel Tiger? Super Why? Finn? You love your shows, and will often assume the identity of one of your favorite characters.  The first time you did this was with Daniel Tiger, and that's when I learned that I get to be a character, too.  My favorite is when you're Daniel Tiger, as I get to be Prince Wednesday, and I just LOVE how you say those two words together.  I also love how your face lights up when I remember to call you the name you're going by at that particular moment, and how you'll fuss at me if I call you the wrong name.

Right now your biggest passion is Frozen.  I'm usually Anna when you're Elsa, but occasionally I get to be Elsa and work my snow magic...though last week you took back over as Elsa because apparently I was getting the hand motions wrong when trying to build my snow castle.  You know most of the words to the songs from the movie, and can even act out (down to throwing away the crown) the entire song "Let it Go".

You also love our new swing set, and your favorite thing is for me to push you higher and higher - which often results in you going into outer space to visit Martian Mickey.  Or sometimes you're so high you can catch a plane in the sky and ride it to California to visit Aunt Jennie or Florida to visit Granma and PopPop.  I have to admit, I am looking forward to you figuring out how to get the swing moving on your own. All this traveling is exhausting.

You're leaving toddler-hood behind and becoming a little boy.  I love watching you with your baby brother, and seeing how much you love the newest member of our family. I love how you are so open to sharing your food with me, even if you usually offer me the tiniest possible piece, sometimes taken out of your mouth, in an effort to be generous.  I love how many foods you like, how open you are to trying new foods, and how much you enjoy cooking and watching me cook. You always want to help, and yesterday even got yourself seconds of dinner while I was nursing Zachary - and didn't make a mess while you did it.

I love your ability to laugh at yourself, and I love the look of joy you get on your face when you realize you've made other people laugh, even when it wasn't on purpose.  

Your favorite word is "why" - and you use it all the time.  Sometimes you really want to know the answer, sometimes I think you're just saying it because you don't know what else to say, and I know sometimes you say it just to drive me crazy.

Every night I come into your room to give you one last kiss before I go to bed.  Last night I got a little teary eyed as I said good night to my two year old for one last time.  I'm so lucky to be your mommy, and I'm looking forward to all the fun and craziness of the year ahead.

Love,

Mommy/Elsa/Prince Wednesday

  *******

Oh, I almost forgot!  You had the best birthday this year. This was the last year I can have a party and get away without inviting kids, and I'd planned on something small.  But then one of my partners at work scheduled her housewarming party on the day I was going to have your little party.  Somehow she and the other female doctor came up with the idea of making the housewarming party into your birthday party, and then went way over the top with decorating and planning.  It was quite possibly the best birthday party ever.  And all I had to do was pick up the cake and ice cream.

You didn't like our singing too much

All ready to eat! (and seriously, how amazing was this table?)

Then this morning I surprised you with Frozen and Mickey balloons and rainbow cereal (aka Lucky Charms) for breakfast - and got up early so I could be ready in time to eat breakfast with you.  Since I've been back at work, you've asked me to eat breakfast with you every morning...it was so fun to be able to eat with you in the morning again.  Nanny M brought you and Zachary to work for lunch today, and then you all went to an indoor play center for a few hours.

I picked up cupcakes on my way home, and the three of us had the princess party you've been asking for (while Zachary slept), complete with crowns and a magic wand for you.  I wasn't exactly sure what you had in mind when you asked for a princess party, but the wand and crown seemed to satisfy you.

I hope you had a wonderful day.  I can't wait to see what fun we have this year!

Holy cow!  This is my 400th post!  To borrow one of Finn's favorite phrases, "How'd that happen?"

First Week Back

The best part of blogging is writing a post and having others respond with comments like the ones I got a few days ago, that make me feel a little less crazy and a lot less alone in my feelings.  So thank you, both frequent commenters and those who only rarely comment, for taking the time to reply to my posts. I truly appreciate every single one.

This week has been exhausting, crazy and even a little fun.  It's been nice to get back to seeing patients, and one week in I'm managing to stay caught up with paperwork, which makes the days so much better.  I've had a relatively light schedule, and all my patients want to talk about my boys, so that helps.  I've managed to have all my clothes picked out for the week, and I planned all my meals as well, so mornings have been less stressful, and Finn and I have had healthy dinners together every night.  I really hope I can keep this up! I started using Google calendar for meal planning, and it's working very well - thanks to those who suggested it.

Zachary has adapted well to me being gone.  Unlike Finn, he took to the bottle immediately (his first bottle was just a few weeks ago), and is eating about 15-17 ounces a day!  At most, Finn took maybe 8 ounces in a whole day, and frequently did only 6.  I pump about 20 ounces, so I'm just barely making enough to be able to start to stockpile milk.  He's in a phase of sleeping almost all the time, but when he's awake he's full of smiles and coos and is just a cuddly, pudgy little guy.

Finn has had a harder time adjusting to me going to work. The first morning he told me he was going to go to work with me, "I can help you pay the bills, and be with you all day so you don't have to cry." The second morning, I was in the bathroom already when he woke up.  He came in and looked at me accusingly, "Why are you out of bed, Mommy?" He hit me on the arm when I told him I had to go to work, "No you don't, you have to stay with me all day."  Yesterday morning I started singing, "Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go," and he burst into tears, "I don't want you to go!" But he has fun all day with his Nanny M, so I don't feel as awful about leaving him.

I even managed to break out the SLR a couple of times this week.  I'm going to get back in the habit of leaving it out, so I can get at least a few shots a week with it, instead of my phone.  I may even try to use my camera remote and tripod to get a family shot this weekend.  Maybe.

4/30/14: sleeping on my lap

5/1/14: my boys together on my first morning back to work

5/2/14: sleeping close up

5/3/14: so full of smiles!

5/4/14: hanging out on big brother's bed

5/5/14: Monday morning - I was sleeping in between these two (yes, in that little space...my neck hurts)

5/6/14: A tummy without you just wouldn't be right, belly belly button you're a beautiful sight!

Terrible 3s

Wow.  Finn has been a holy terror lately.  He is still wonderful with Zachary, aside from occasionally being a little too rough, but he is really testing his boundaries with me. He does a lot of selective hearing and enjoys being defiant whenever he can.  Threatening to take away his favorite snack or bedtime stories are good bribes, but it's almost to the point where he has to be threatened to do anything.  So I have cut down to just one warning after asking him to do something, and tonight he got no warning at all.  He was in the bath and I told him it was time to wash the shampoo out of his hair.  He started yelling "No!" and splashing water all out of the tub.  So I picked up the rinse cup and poured it straight over his head.  He got water in his face, which he hates, but wasn't hurt.  There was a lot of crying, but then he was over it.  And the rest of the night he did exactly what I asked him to, when I asked it, and was extra sweet and loving at bedtime.  I'm sure that's short lived, but it was nice tonight!

Sometimes he's incredibly funny while also being infuriating.  A couple of days ago I put him in time out; he sat where he was told, but the entire time sang all the words he could remember from "Mean."  Including, "Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me," and "Why you gotta be so mean?"  Yesterday I asked him to put his bowl in the sink after breakfast: "No ma'am, I will not."  So polite!

I'm working on being consistent and being patient, and hope that eventually we'll get through this.  He does respond (most of the time) to "1, 2, 3" which is amazing, but after the 10th time of using it in one night I'm really done with counting.  It's just exhausting, and not how I want to spend my last couple of weeks on maternity leave.

Zachary continues to thrive.  He has had several nights where he got a solid 4 hours of sleep, and two of those nights, I got 4 straight hours of sleep, too.  I'm still sleep deprived, but those few extra hours really made a difference.  I'm not feeling on the edge of tears constantly, so I really hope this sleep trend continues.  Thanks for all the encouraging comments from last week's post - I hope that my baby blues are on the way out, but it's nice to know I'm not alone.

This week's pictures - it has gotten a little easier to get pictures of him awake, but still a challenge!

4/9/14: sleeping snuggled with me before I headed to bed

4/10/14: huge yawn!

4/11/14: alert and snuggle ready 

4/12/14: asleep again!

4/13/14: smiley during tummy time (though the smiles were short lived!)

4/14/14: this happened just minutes after a bath and changing into clean pjs

4/15/14: charming the ladies already

Cooking at Home

Helping prepare dinner (using his play hammer to crush crackers)

Eating healthier and spending more time with my boys are two things I can't stop thinking about as I prepare to rejoin the real world and go back to work in 4 short weeks.

There's not a lot I can do to spend more time at home, but I have made one small step - in July I'll start seeing patients 20 minutes earlier in the morning and finish 20 minutes later in the afternoon (I did this once already last year, so this will put me leaving work 40 minutes earlier than I did a year ago, which translates into getting home 50 minutes earlier, as I'll miss the worst of rush hour traffic). Next year, when I quit pumping, I'm thinking about shortening my lunch time as well, so I can leave even earlier.
Getting home earlier will make it possible for us to eat dinner together as a family.  But I don't want to wait for July to be able to do that.  And when July gets here, I don't want to spend all my time in the kitchen every evening, and I really don't want to do carry out or prepackaged foods every night, either.

So I've started working on my cooking skills.  While Jennie has been here, we've cooked most nights, trying out new recipes and freezing quite a few meals, as well.  Not all of them are the healthiest, but they're good and made with fresh ingredients, so they've got to be healthier than what I've been doing in the past. Over the past few years, I've become convinced that portion sizes play a huge role in how healthy something is, and that a high fat main dish can be made much healthier by serving a smaller portion with a lot of fruits and veggies on the side. That's always the hardest for me - making sure I get my fruits and veggies.  In a typical day my son will eat more fruits and veggies than I eat in an entire week.  (And after reading this recent study that suggests a diet high in fruits and vegetables decreases your risk dying, I'm even more motivated to work on this!)

Finn absolutely adores cooking. He loves to help whenever he can, and then when we eat the finished product, he likes to say something like, "This is really tasty. Who made this? Mommy and I did!" He's such a great eater (most of the time) and already recognizes things like garlic and onions and freshly grated parmesan cheese, so I'd like to encourage his love of food and cooking by involving him in making meals as much as possible, too.  My mom is a great cook, but never liked having us in the kitchen, so my sister and I never really learned anything about cooking from her at all. I do understand why she never had us join her.  It is distracting, and sometimes frustrating, to have a toddler working in the kitchen with me, but seeing the joy he gets out of it makes it worth it for me. And I think he's more likely to try new foods if he was involved in cooking them.

We need to work on hand cleanliness while cooking

I don't really know what I'm doing in the kitchen most of the time, but I'm learning.  And I've decided that there are three different types of meals I'm looking to learn to cook: 1) fast and easy weeknight dinners, 2) crock pot meals to make during the week, and 3) more complicated recipes to make on the weekend that will give me at least a night's leftovers or make enough to freeze.

The only fast and easy meals I can think of now involve using already prepared ingredients (like make your own pizza with store bought pizza dough), but I figure if I do something like that just once a week, then I should be able to come up with some good choices for other nights of the week.  And I've found what may be a great recipe for shredded chicken that will allow me to freeze chicken for use in recipes during the week, cutting down the prep time significantly.

It's unlikely that this blog would ever become a cooking blog, but I'm thinking of sharing some of my recipe finds here, including how I involved my boys in the cooking.  And I'd really love if you'd share some of your go-to meals in the comments or on your own blogs, whichever category they might fall into (though quick weeknight meal ideas would be especially welcome!)

Big Brother Finn

Holding my 2 boys together for the first time

What an amazing, wonderful and exhausting 14 days it has been.  I want to share it all here, so I don't forget a thing, but there's so much to say that I find myself deciding to go to bed or watch TV instead of starting a post.  So I'm just going to start with writing about how Finn is adjusting, and then tackle the other posts over the next few days.  (And I apologize in advance for the how disjointed this post probably will be!)

Finn is an amazing big brother.  Don't get me wrong - he's 2 (almost 3!) so he has his moments, but overall, he's just wonderful with Zachary.  He loves to hold him, to kiss on him and to comment over and over again, "He likes me!" even when Zachary is fussing because he's tired of his big brother kissing on his feet.

He likes me! 

First time holding his baby brother

For the first week or so (time is fuzzy already, so I don't remember for sure), Finn didn't come to bed with me in the middle of the night, like he usually does.  Instead he would sleep in his own bed until he was awake for the morning, and then come into my bedroom, crawl into bed, and then cuddle with Zachary.  Then one night when I was up feeding Zachary, I thought I heard Finn in the playroom, but he never came into my room.  I was so tired I didn't really think anymore about it, but the next time I was up for a feeding, I decided to investigate.  I went into the playroom and found Finn asleep on the couch.  I thought about leaving him there, then decided to go ahead and wake him to come into my room.  I think he wasn't quite sure if he was welcome in my room or not, now that Zachary is here.  So as soon as I asked him if he wanted to come to bed with me, he woke up and said yes.  He toddled into my room and went right to sleep.  Zachary was pretty fussy a few nights ago and neither of us got much sleep, and I know we bothered Finn.  I was sure that would put him off wanting to come to bed with us anymore, but he's still making his way into my room in the early morning hours.




I'm not sure which is winning out - the amazingly wonderful feeling of sleeping with my boys on either side of me, or the uncomfortable feeling in my neck and shoulders from trying to sleep between my two boys.

Nanny M has come several times for the entire day, and few days for a half day since we've been home, and has been able to give extra attention to Finn while I focus on Zachary. My parents are here now, and before them our amazing Heidi was here, and they have made sure he's felt lots of love and affection.  I'm starting to feel stronger and more ready to be able to do more with Finn, so I'm hoping that in the next week or so I'll be the one taking him for "adventures" outside while Zachary stays at home.  I think Finn would be doing ok if it was just the two of us, but having the extra sets of hands (and eyes) has made the transition much easier.

Finn is fascinated by breast feeding.  We talked about it before Zachary was born, and looked at pictures of Finn when he was first born and nursing, so he was prepared.  He often wants to come watch, and several times has asked, "can I touch your boobies?"  (I know, I should teach him to call them breasts, but he sounds so cute when he calls them boobies.) The first few days we were home it seemed he told everyone who came to visit, "Baby Zachary eats milk from Mommy's boobies!"  And whenever Zachary cries, Finn will usually look at me and say, "I think Baby Zachary needs a little help from your boobies, Mommy."

My favorite selfie ever

picture by Finn

Well, half the time Finn calls him Baby Zachary.  The other half he calls him Baby Chimichanga.  He's started to correct himself some, but I bet he'll be Chimichanga for a few more months at least.  In the hospital, Heidi and I had no problem calling him Zachary, but once we got home, I found myself calling him Chimichanga all the time myself.  Poor kid.

We read a lot of big brother/new baby books before Zachary was born.  Our favorite was What Baby Needs - it's written by Drs. Sears, and includes baby wearing, skin to skin, nursing and cosleeping as topics.  It was pretty easy to edit out the dad references, and overall it did a good job of preparing Finn for what the new baby was going to be like, while including some talking guides for parents.  There were other books that were fine, but this book was the only one he asked for on a regular basis, and the only one that really seemed to be a good preparation for what it would mean to have a new baby in the house.

another selfie

And now it's time to feed the baby and hope for a decent night's sleep!