And the Verdict Is....

It didn't take long during today's ultrasound for Chimi to get in the perfect position to answer the big question...

It's definitely a BOY!

I have to admit, my first reaction really was disappointment.  I had a hard time focusing on the ultrasound and not on the two big worries I have about having two boys.  The first is the whole circumcision thing.  I did have Finn circumcised - and then wished I hadn't, because it was so traumatic for me.  I can't imagine having the two boys different, so I'll do it again.  But I want to be sedated for it.  (Only partially kidding.)  The second is that I had this idea that if they were different genders, it would downplay the difference in genetics between the two.  But I know that's silly - and I also know that boys are less likely to worry about that sort of thing than girls are, anyway.

Chimi was bouncing all over everywhere, though, so it wasn't long before I forgot about my disappointment and was oohing and ahhing over the perfect little fingers and toes, the adorable profile (which, even at 16 weeks reminds me of Finn's), the beautiful 4 chambers of the heart, and that breath taking view of the spine.

Everything looked great, he was healthy and wonderful, which was a huge relief to see.  I do have a partial placenta previa, but I did with Finn, too, and it resolved by 20 weeks, so hopefully this will do the same.  I go back in 5 weeks for a fetal cardiac echo (now recommended for all IVF babies) and to check on the previa.  The MFM is also going to do a little research on neuroblastoma, and while she agreed with everyone else that it's not an inherited thing, she also understands that this will be a constant worry in the back of my mind.  So she's going to see if there are any references for identifying those tumors in utero so that they can be sure to look in the right places, and help reassure me that all is well.

This morning Finn told me he didn't want a baby sister any more, he wanted a baby brother.  This afternoon he said that he didn't want a baby brother, either.  "I want a baby Chimichanga!"

First Trimester Screening

From the very beginning of my pregnancy with Finn, I felt a deep connection with him.  I felt like I knew him, and could already imagine him as a 2-3 year old.  And much of how I imagined him is exactly how he is now.  That wonderful bond we shared when I was pregnant was one of the main reasons I loved being pregnant.  Even before I could feel him move, I felt him there.

This pregnancy has been much different.  I just haven't felt a connection with Chimi.  That's not to say that I'm not already attached to this baby, it's just that I haven't felt the same deep connection I felt with Finn.  I think a large part of it was the way Chimi was conceived...I took some hormones to prepare my lining and then walked in to a clinic, had a catheter slipped inside and one little embryo transferred...while the process was actually much more complicated, it still felt so much simpler and less involved than my injectable IUI cycle with Finn.  It's just been hard to believe that I'm pregnant.  It's all been so easy that a part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I read the RBA threads frequently (when I should be studying) just to reassure myself that women who have traveled a lot longer roads than I were able to get their happily ever after with the same simple visit to RBA, and maybe, just maybe, there isn't another shoe that is going to drop.

Another big part is how sick I've felt.  There are plenty of women who feel worse than I have, I know.  But I'm still miserable.  The first few weeks it was reassuring.  But now, going on 8 weeks of some level of pretty constant nausea, it's just exhausting and awful.  I have an hour or two of relatively no nausea first thing in the morning, and then it just builds throughout the course of the day.  It reminds me of how I feel with a stomach bug, right before I finally give in and throw up for the first time.  Always on the verge of throwing up.  I'm hungry, but nothing sounds good.  I want to eat healthy food, but all I can stomach are the bland carbs that I'm growing to despise.  After a few days of feeling a little better, this past weekend was just horrible.  I was so miserable by the end of each day that I actually cried myself to sleep a couple of nights in a row.  And that's with taking Zofran.  That awfulness from the weekend and Monday and Tuesday seems a little better today, so I'm really hoping that was the worst of the worst.  (If not, I might brave the fatigue and try adding some Unisom, as suggested by JustAnotherJenny based on this post from Bionic Mamas.)

If you're still with me, there's a point to all this complaining.  And that point starts this morning, when I walked into the ultrasound room at my MFM's office.  Joanne (who I've known for 9 years - for about 4 months I shared office space with the MFM) is the RN who does the first trimester screening, and she was thrilled to tell me that I was their first patient on their brand new ultrasound machine.  Which meant that we were going to have to spend more time on the ultrasound, since it was going to take her a while to figure it all out.

The warm jelly squished onto my tummy as I tried to contain my anxiety.  This was my first scan since I stopped all my hormones, and I was nervous.  I've been trying to imagine Chimi wiggling around in there, but I've just not been able to visualize it.  Like I said before, it just doesn't seem real.

And then the probe was in place, and suddenly I could see the baby.  MY baby.  Wiggling and jiggling all over the screen.  When it did its first backflip, I felt a little twist in my heart.  There it is. There's my child.  There's that connection.  It's different than with Finn...this may sound really new age, but I've always felt like I've known Finn forever.  If there's such a thing as past lives, we've been together before.  But this little one?  I think we're new to each other.  I don't know this child, but my heart is smitten.  We watched Chimi twist and turn and do somersaults, before finally cooperating with the exam, and holding still for the nuchal translucency measurements, and then posing for a few pictures.  The new ultrasound machine was amazing, the images were so clear - we could see the ventricles of the heart, the kidneys, the brain - so amazing that 10 weeks ago it was just a circle of cells.  The pictures didn't come out as clear, unfortunately, but I still have the image of that beautiful, squirmy child in my head and I'm holding it close.

I still feel horrible.  I'm still really ready to be done feeling so sick.  I'm still really ready to get my 800 calories at lunch from a burger instead of a damned baked potato.  But now I also feel some excitement and joy in this pregnancy, too.

We tried to get a look at gender today, but the little stinker had the umbilical cord between its legs the entire time.  Until my last ultrasound I had decided this baby was a girl, but now I have no idea.  I guess I'm just going to have to wait until my anatomy scan on August 27th.  Four long weeks.  Four weeks that will hopefully be filled with joyful anticipation, instead of resentful nausea.  

Ultrasound #2

This morning's ultrasound was perfect. There was that moment when I held my breath as I could see what looked like an 8 week old fetus come into view, and then as the tech zoomed in, I could see the little heart beating away. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, and got a little teary eyed as the sound of the heartbeat filled the room. My RE was able to be there, so he narrated everything we saw, including the now much smaller yolk sac, the placenta, the clearly visible femur and arm buds, and then, as we were watching, the baby moved! Not much, just a little head wiggle, but it was so cool! 

I have the day off today, and so does Nanny M, so Finn had to come with me to my appointment. My friend Lisa met us and held Finn during the scan - he did say "Baby!" when watching the screen, but I'm sure he didn't really get what he was seeing. I'm holding off officially telling him "Mommy has a baby in her tummy" until my last ultrasound with my RE in two more weeks. Then I'll feel comfortable telling everyone. 

I figured that placental hormone production must have really kicked in this week, because my nausea went from icky to awful. Waves of fighting back throwing up, and just plain feeling awful. I wasn't quite sure how I could survive feeling that bad, then an OB friend suggested less drowsy Dramamine. Wow, does it help. It's supposed to last 24 hours, but seems like it only really lasts for about 12, but at least I can eat now. I don't feel well by any means, but this level of queasiness I can handle. 

RBA called just a little while ago and confirmed my theory on placental hormones when the nurse told me I can cut my estrogen patches down to 2 instead of 4 - which is lovely, as I hate taking those things off! It always hurts, and takes me a few minutes to steel myself to be able to remove each one. (I know, I'm a wimp.) I also get to decrease my Crinone from twice a day to once a day - also lovely since Crinone is just gross. Hopefully decreasing these hormones will also help my nausea so I can stop the extra medication. 

While we were at my RE's, we walked past the room where I had my IUI with Finn. Of course, I couldn't miss up a photo op, and so I took his picture standing just inside the room.

My computer is once again in the shop (but this time covered under warranty) so I'm posting this from my crappy work computer.  No idea what's up with the font on this post!

Chimichanga!

Introducing:  Chimichanga!

Little Chimichanga made her/his ultrasound debut this morning, with a lovely heart rate of 119, measuring right at 6 weeks 4 days and looks ravishing with his/her perfectly sized yolk sac - the accessory every embryo is sporting these days.  And the poor thing is already facing second child syndrome, as the picture I'm posting here is just a picture of the ultrasound, rather than the scanned image I've always done in the past.  I will try to do better next time.

After the ultrasound was complete, LB (who was nice enough to come with me for my early morning scan) and I walked around to the nurses station, where my RE was waiting for me on the phone. He'd been called out of town unexpectedly due to family illness, but still wanted to tell me congratulations himself.  

It was so amazing, that second I saw the little heartbeat flickering.  Suddenly it all seemed very real - as bad as I've felt, I've been having a hard time really wrapping my mind around the fact that I could drive to Atlanta and have an embryo put inside of me, and that would really get me pregnant.  But it has!  It really worked!

It's amazing how much I already love that little speck and flicker on the ultrasound that's measuring all of 7mm or so.  I want to wrap my arms around it and squeeze like I do Finn.  Which is ridiculous, so I've settled for rubbing my lower abdomen repeatedly today.  So repeatedly that I've got to stop before someone actually asks me if I'm pregnant, and I have to spill the beans before I'm ready.

My due date is February 10, 2014.  That's a long time from now, but in a few years I'll look back and feel like it all passed too quickly.  While it's pretty hard to savor nausea and fatigue, I'm going to try to enjoy every second of this pregnancy that I can.  I really did love being pregnant the last time; I hope I love it even more this time around.

Ultrasound Pictures

One of the best things about my job is that I know my high risk OB and her office staff well.  So, even though I've officially been released from their practice, at my last visit one of the ultrasound techs offered to do a 4D ultrasound for me when I got to 30 weeks.  Today was that ultrasound - and it was so cool!  As soon as I saw his little face - and his chubby cheeks - I was in love!  He smiled, he grimaced, he yawned and he kicked around a lot while he was scanned, and we got it all on tape (well, DVD).

He's head down, so it wasn't my imagination that it was little hands I was feeling low down in my belly.  And it's definitely his foot that's been kicking me at the top of my stomach - I guess it won't be much longer before that kicking is getting me in the ribs.  He's a big boy - measuring 4lbs 4oz (almost 2kg), which puts him in the 77% percentile - yikes!  But aside from that, all looks good!

Isn't he cute?  

You might notice that the picture says that I'm 30w2d, when my ticker says I'm 30w3d.  That's because I've based my due date based on my date of conception (since that's pretty much a definite!)  My MFM has based my due date on the date of my last period, and my OB has based my due date on the size he measured at my very first ultrasound, where he measured 2 days behind (though he's consistently measured ahead of dates ever since then).  If you're keeping track, that means my due date is either 5/2, 5/3 or 5/4, depending on who you ask.  

I'm sticking with 5/2.  

Longest Ultrasound Ever

My appointment was at 8 o’clock this morning, but they were late getting started, so I didn’t get into the room until about 8:15.  Then the tech couldn’t get the DVD recorder to work, so we had to switch to the other room.  Finally I had a probe on my belly about 8:30, and it was there until about 9:25! 

First, my placenta has moved and the previa is resolved completely!  Yay!  I also have a tiny little fibroid, and a new cyst on my left ovary.  Yes, this is what she looked at first, MY anatomy, while I was teased with little glimpses of moving arms and legs. 

Finally she focused the probe on Chiquitito, and we could see him kicking around, and waving his little hands, and at one point she got a great shot of him making swallowing, suckling and even yawning.  Unfortunately, it was burned onto a DVD that doesn’t seem to allow me to transfer the files into something I can edit or put online to share.  I was really looking forward to sending a little bit of the movie to my parents and family, but I guess they’ll just have to wait!  (Unless someone out there knows how I can copy the movie onto my computer, in which case – please email me!!!)  The tech was great, pointing out all the anatomy in great detail and giving a running commentary the entire time.  She was so busy talking to me, though, that she only printed out two pictures for me the whole hour I was there.  And I can’t share those, because my scanner is currently behind a mound of furniture and two plastic tarps.  So no pictures of any kind to share, but I can tell you he’s pretty damn cute!

So why was I there for so long?  The only thing they really needed after the first ultrasound was a better view of a few parts of his heart, and again he would not cooperate.  He stayed facing my back the entire time, which made it hard to see the arteries they needed to see, even when I rolled back and forth on the table, and when the tech jiggled him around with the probe.  But finally we got all the necessary views, and all looks normal.  I think it wore him out, though, because he’s been quiet all day, until after dinner tonight, when he decided to nudge my bladder a few times with his toes.

Oh, and he’s got long legs and is measuring a full week ahead.  I think he might have inherited that from his donor.

16 Week Ultrasound

Last night I had a dream that I found out my baby was a girl.  When I woke up to pee, and thought, "Really?  The night before my ultrasound, I finally get a dream?"  And then I went back to sleep and had another dream, this time that it was a boy.  So much for my prophetic dream abilities!

My ultrasound wasn't until 4pm, so it was a long day.  My sister Jamie, and my good friend (and long time running partner) Ali, met me at work and we drove across the street to the perinatal office, where I promptly forgot where it was, and went to the wrong floor.  (Seriously.)  We didn't wait long once I got to the right place, and the scan was started almost immediately.  At first, Kristy, the ultrasound tech, was taking measurements, but then she came to her senses and got to work finding out what flavor of baby I'm having.  And this is what we saw:

It's a boy!  I'm so happy!  I would have been happy either way, but I was (not-so) secretly wanting a little boy.  We were able to see all 10 fingers and toes, the brain, two kidneys, a normal heart (we could even see the heart valves!), a stomach and a bladder.  She couldn't get a good view of the pulmonary artery, though, so to be on the safe side I'm going back in 4 weeks for another scan.  My placenta is also covering my cervix (aka, placenta previa) so she wants to take a look at that, too, and be sure it's moved. In addition to all the baby stuff, both Kristy and the doctor kept commenting about the size of my bladder.  I guess all those years of holding it as long as I can has really stretched it out!  LOL  

Kicking Me!

I feel so relieved, after seeing my little boy kicking and punching and waving away in there.  I still can't feel any movement, which is crazy, given how much there is, but now that I know the anatomy is normal and all looks good, I'm feeling much less anxious.  I know the loss of my first pregnancy is going to make me more paranoid for this entire pregnancy (and any future ones, if I decide to try for 2), but this ultrasound was the big hurdle I have been waiting for.  Now it seems real.

OMG.  I'm going to have a SON!

Eleven Weeks

I walked into the Maternal Fetal Medicine doc’s office this morning, and immediately saw one of my patients waiting for her ultrasound.  I’m pretty sure she knew what I was there for when I signed in, because really, why else would I be at an MFM’s office?

I’ve known both my MFM and her nurse, Joanne, since I started my practice, since we shared an office space for about 4 months back in 2004.  So I was thrilled that Joanne was the one who did my scan today.  Everything looks perfect!  The heart rate was 170, and while Chiquitita was sleeping at first, he/she quickly woke up after a little prodding and started wiggling legs and waving arms about, and occasionally doing a little bounce in place.  She probably scanned my belly (yes, I graduated from the dildo-cam!) for a good 20 minutes, which was wonderful.  The nuchal thickness and nasal bone both looked good, so that part of the first trimester screen was normal.  Now I just have to wait until Wednesday or Thursday for the blood test results, and then I’ll know what my risks for Trisomy 13, 18 and 21 are, and can decide on an amnio or not.

According to my doctors and my last visit with AF, I’m actually 10w6d today.  But I prefer to go by the date of my IUI, and according to that, I’m 11 weeks.  It looks like Chiquitita agrees with me, because today he/she was measuring 11w2d, which makes me so happy.

Chiquitita Profile

As soon as I got to work, I told one of the staff members that I had a picture to show her, and when I pulled it out she started jumping up and down, “I knew it!  I knew it!”  There were lots of hugs, and few tears, and it was wonderful.  Everyone was incredibly surprised by the fact that I’m almost at the end of my first trimester; I don’t think any of them believed I could keep a secret that long.  Seriously, I didn’t believe I could, either! 

When I got home tonight I called my parents, and spoke to my dad for a while before I told him that I had sent my mom an email, and wondered if he would help her open the attachment, because I needed her help with something.  The email I sent to my mom wasn’t in her inbox yet, so then I emailed it to my dad.  Just as he was opening his account, he got a call on the other line, and actually flipped over to answer it!  I was beside myself, thinking he’d see the picture while he was talking to someone else, but luckily he was back on the phone within seconds, and so I got to hear his surprised and happy laugh when he saw the baby picture.  He then called my mom to look at the picture and the first thing she said was “I knew it!” (are you sensing a theme here?) and the second was, “Is it just one baby?”

It’s been a long and emotional day and it’s been so much fun to share my news.  I’ve felt more relaxed and less worried since my 9 week ultrasound, but after this one, I really feel like I’m truly pregnant.  I’m starting to believe that in May, I’ll have a little baby!  Now I just have to find a way to stay calm between now and my next ultrasound – the anatomy scan – on November 16.

10/10/10

I love dates and times that are repetitive or in order – they make me happy for a reason that I really can’t explain.  And so I thought it was an amazingly good sign when my last IUI was on 8/9/10.  Which means that it’s probably also a very good sign that my last day at 10 weeks is today, 10/10/10.  I guess I’ll find out if those really were good signs tomorrow, at my eleven week ultrasound on the 11th.  I have to go to work immediately after my ultrasound, and since the internet Nazis at work don’t let me access my blog from there, I won’t be able to check in until tomorrow night.

Actually, it’ll be even later than that, because I’m having dinner with 3 other local SMCs (including Single Mom 2B – yay!) after work.  And then, if all has gone well, I’m finally going to tell my parents that I’m knocked up.  So I’ll be posting an update sometime after that tomorrow night!  

Another good thing about 10/10/10 – it’s fellow blogger Tara’s 36^th birthday!  Happy Birthday - this year is going to be a wonderful one for you!

Eight!

It’s one more week before my next ultrasound.  This is the big milestone for me – with my first pregnancy, my second ultrasound at 9 weeks was the one where I learned I’d had a miscarriage.  I feel good about this pregnancy, everything has looked so much better from my betas to my first ultrasound, but I’m still a little nervous.  I’ll be really glad when this next scan is behind me.

My nausea had been well controlled with just a little Pepcid twice a day, but towards the end of last week the Pepcid effect started to wear off, and I’ve pretty much been nauseated non-stop.  Non-stop until this morning, when someone brought us egg sandwiches from Panera Bread for breakfast.  After eating one of those, I was 100% nausea-free for 3 whole hours!  It was so great, I saved one for lunch – which means I had 6 hours of no nausea today!  This is one of those times where I wish I were married.  Because if I were, I’d so have my husband at Panera every morning getting me one of those sandwiches!

I’m still not completely decided on when I’m going to share my news with everyone at work.  I’d thought about telling everyone after my ultrasound next Monday, but I really want to wait until I’m closer to the end of my first trimester.  I just scheduled my first trimester screening (labs and ultrasound) for when I’m 11 weeks – which is just 3 weeks from now.  I think I can hold out that long.  I hope.  

One!

We saw one beautiful, perfect heartbeat today!  Baby measures right on schedule, yolk sac is normal size and heartbeat is 148!  Words cannot describe the relief that I feel - or that I felt went the picture of that sweet little bean came up on the screen with a little heart flickering away.  My RE said this is a textbook perfect ultrasound, but I'm still going back on the 27th for another scan to confirm all is good.

Thank you, my bloggy friends, for all your prayers and words of support over the past few weeks.  I wouldn't have been able to make it without them!  I've added one of the ultrasound pictures - I swear you can see the baby's optic discs in this one!  LOL