Emotionality

Finn trying to cheer me up

Why did no one warn me that I would be an emotional basket case with weaning?  This is almost as bad as being postpartum - but without the extreme sleep deprivation.  And I was totally unprepared for it.

I had an absolute breakdown while giving Finn his bottle tonight, for no reason at all.  I just started crying, and couldn't stop.  He was drifting off to sleep and fighting it, when he realized I was crying.  He reached out and put his fingers on my face, patting my tears.  Then he sat up, grinned and started to do a little wiggling dance to the music (Adele).  He then spent the next 15 minutes acting goofy and making me laugh, but I still felt like I could start crying again at any minute.  The thing is - I'm not sad.  I'm not depressed.  But I am.  It's the weirdest thing ever.  I think what gets me started crying is thinking about how fleeting this time with him is, and how he's changing every day.  I usually follow that up with thinking how ridiculous I'm being, and that I just need to enjoy each day as it comes and truly be in the moment.  I really hope this is all hormones, because I might go crazy if I'm like this his entire childhood.

Going for our walk did help.  I put it off a bit, waiting until 8:30 when it the sun had almost set and it had "cooled down" to 94 degrees.  Today was the first day this week I didn't get in my full 10,000 steps - I only made it to 8105.  But after 45 minutes I was just too hot.  I did feel better when I was done and managed not to start crying again when I was cuddling with Finn before putting him in his crib.

Despite my melancholy, a lot of stuff is finally going really well. After feeling so overwhelmed at work, I finally have found a way to make it all work.  At the beginning of June I had 158 open encounters - 158 patient visits that had to be documented.  Today I have 1.  Yes, one. I accomplished this amazing feat without working huge long hours - so not only am I finally caught up, but I'm also at a point where I can realistically anticipate staying caught up.  My biggest complaint for the past year has been that I am constantly doing work at night, but am always hugely behind.  Now I think I'll be able to do 30-60 minutes of work at night and stay caught up.  This is huge.  Not only that, but starting Monday we'll have 20 minutes per patient instead of 15.  And we're getting paid on a new reimbursement model that will mean I get paid more if I work really hard and see lots more patients than usual.  Amazing.  Three months ago I was so miserable I was ready to quit, and now it's good.  Really good.

My house is not quite a huge disaster anymore.  I'm getting regular exercise almost every day.  I'm eating healthy.  I still have a lot of things I've neglected the past 6 months to take care of, but I can actually believe I'll have time to do it.

I can't quite believe I'm going to take this perfect time and add the craziness of TTC to it. That is, assuming AF ever shows up.

Oh, and I have say a huge thank you to Gwinne for suggesting I try to express milk out of my lumpy and bumpy left boob.  I realized she was completely right, and so I did it.  And the next morning I woke up to normal sized boobs.  For the first time in 20 months, I've worn regular bras!  I'm still feeling really sore - bruised - but lumps and bumps are gone.  I'm also realizing that if I'm lucky enough to have Baby #2, I'm definitely going to need some plastic surgery once all this is done.  No doubt about it.

Moods

Finn and Vagus

I have been so weepy the past week or so.  Enough that I actually poked around on the internet, and found that depression is commonly associated with weaning.

I don't exactly feel depressed - I'm actually feeling pretty optimistic and cheerful these days.  But the slightest thing can set me into tears right now.  Finn giving me an especially cheeky grin.  A patient telling me a sad story.  A friend sharing lovely details about a new relationship.  Fiona telling Levi he'd always be a part of their family as they said goodbye to their dear friend this week.  The sight of the last 6 bags of frozen breast milk sitting forlornly at the bottom of my freezer.  All of these and more have made my cry the past few days.  It's starting to get a little ridiculous.

Finn hasn't nursed since last Saturday, the 16th.  When I bring him to bed he no longer takes his pacifier out of his mouth so he can start rooting around, and so my heart hurts just a little bit less every day.  Amazingly enough, he hasn't even wanted a bottle at all when he's woken up the past 5-6 nights.  He has regressed a little with sleeping in the crib, though.  Saturday and Sunday he woke before midnight and wanted to come to bed.  Tonight he woke up after being in the crib less than 20 minutes and screamed until I put him in my bed, and then he went right to sleep.  This after sleeping in his crib from 9pm to 6:30am on Friday night (and then sleeping from 6:45 until 10:45 on Saturday morning!)  Walking him to sleep is continuing to be a huge success, and I'm loving the exercise.

Let me up, now!

He's decided that my bed is his favorite place in the world.  When we get up in the morning, he'll happily play on the floor, but then when it's close to time for me to leave for work he crawls over to the bed and cries for me to put him in it.  As soon as I set him on the bed he lets out a contented sigh/laugh and grins at me like I just gave him the very best gift ever.  If I don't immediately put him on the bed when he wants up there, he throws a huge fit.  The fit ends the second he's on the bed, though.  And then he's picking up a book and asking me to read to him.  My boy loves his books!  He'll read to himself, but he really loves it when I read.  Most mornings we read 2-3 books, and at night we can read 5-6 before he starts to get distracted. He's already started to ask that I read the same one over and over again, especially the ones that lend themselves to a lot of sound effects.

But back to weaning - I'm so lopsided these days.  My right side is back down to pre-pregnancy size, but the left one (Finn's favorite) is lumpy and tender and big.  It's not engorged - it's more like I have a couple of clogged ducts that need to go down, though I bet a good nursing session from Finn would take care of it.  I've read that peppermint is good for decreasing milk supply, so I'm going through Altoids like crazy, and considering starting sage tea, which is also supposed to be good for decreasing supply.  Ice has helped the tenderness to the point that it's now only tender when I press on it, so I've been avoiding pressing on it.  I'm really curious to see if I can still express milk, but I'm trying to avoid it, so that I'm giving my body any signals to make more milk.   

I did discover that wearing white pants with a 13 month old does not do anything to attract AF.  All it does is attract dirt.

Summer Solstice

View out my kitchen window - minus the bird who
was at the feeder two seconds before I took the picture

Finn and I went for our first evening walk tonight.  We set out a little later than planned - about 8:20, and he happily sipped on his milk and chattered to the passing trees before falling asleep.

Summer solstice.

It was a perfect summer night.  The sun was setting on a hot day, with the smell of gardenias drifting on the breeze and fireflies dancing alongside us.  All that was missing was the summer sounds of cicadas and kids playing.

Do kids really not play outside anymore?  I could understand them all being inside when I was getting home, around 9:15, but at 8:20 there was still plenty of light.  It's the time of day that seems perfect to be outside with friends, hoping Mom will let you stay out just 5 more minutes.

Finn is now sound asleep in his crib and I feel great after my walk.  Only 7700 steps today, but I feel so good now that even if I don't get my 10,000 steps every day I think I'll be happy doing this walk most nights.  It was so much better than a screaming baby for 20 minutes.  It's possible I might even sleep really well tonight.  Though I do love the idea of putting the pedometer on Finn!  I did do our usual bedtime routine before putting him in the stroller, and will take Tiara's suggestion and still have several evenings a week that he goes to sleep in his crib, not on a walk.

A few random things:

Blissful Mama asked a few posts ago about why I wasn't going to TTC while still nursing.  I'm pretty sure the title of my last post answered that question for the most part - it looks like I'm one of the ones who won't have a period until the baby is weaned.  Also, my RE said he was concerned the meds I will be taking wouldn't be as effective if I was still breastfeeding while taking them.

Speaking of breastfeeding - still managing to avoid it.  Yay Finn!

Ann recommended the book Donuts for Nan - about a little girl is told that she can't participate in Donuts for Dad at school because she doesn't have a dad.  I'd never heard of it before, but I'm going to order it.  There aren't many good books out there for kids of single parents, so I wanted to be sure everyone saw that recommendation!  I'm definitely ordering it tonight.

Finally, thank you for all the thoughtful comments on my post about AnonymousUs.org and the "study" about how how donor conceived children are unhappy.  While those of us who have children via ADI are certainly biased as well, your comments made it clear that our bias comes from our own careful research and personal experience, not from a nebulous idea that something is inherently bad or good.

CD 693*

Morning playtime on the front porch

This week my office started a 10,000 steps a day challenge. We all got pedometers, and our goal is really to get 10,000 steps at least 3 days a week. Everyone who makes 3 days of 10,000 in at least one week gets to keep their pedometers. Everyone who makes 3 days of 10,000 steps for the whole 6 weeks gets a prize. And I want the prize! (Not that I have any idea what it is - I just want it!) The trouble is - I'm not sure how to get the exercise in.

Yesterday between work and home I barely made 4000 steps. Today I went for a 30 minute walk after work and so far have 6000 steps today. I would have gone further, but Finn fell asleep and I hate for him to have a nap so close to bedtime, so I came home.  That time right after work is the easiest for me to get my walking in, but I know it'll always end up with Finn falling asleep, and then he's a bear to get to bed later.

I'm thinking I have two choices. One is to wait until it's Finn's bedtime to go for our walk, at around 8, and then load him and a sippy cup of milk in the stroller and take off. He'll fall asleep on the walk, I can walk for an entire hour and get home and put him to bed, and still have a few hours to myself. The drawback of that is that I would be changing his bedtime routine, and might find it hard when the weather's bad to be able to get him to sleep. Not that it's easy to get him to sleep these days anyway.


The other choice is to get up an hour early and go for a walk. The drawback of that is I'd have to get up an hour early. And I'm not sure even the incentive of a prize and bragging rights is enough to get me to do that.


Any thoughts?


In other news, Finn hasn't nursed since Saturday night.  He actually didn't nurse on Friday - he went to sleep at 8:30 and woke up at 5:30.  I brought him to bed with me then, and he was happy just to cuddle.  He's since woken up every night between 1-3 wanting to eat.  The first night he was so miserable, he looked up at me with his sad, wet eyes and I gave in.  I let him nurse for a few minutes, then made him stop and got him a bottle.  He's woken up and wanted a bottle every night since. Wait, that's not right.  He's wanted to nurse, but was hungry enough to take a bottle every night.  Nanny M's grandmother suggested giving him a bottle of water to get him weaned off the nighttime bottles - because he really is big enough to go the night without eating now.  So I'm going to start putting a little water in with the milk, and gradually increase the water and decrease the milk.  So maybe in a few weeks I won't be up with a baby for an hour in the middle of the night.  Those of you who have had to give your newborns bottles instead of being able to breastfeed - I have a whole new level of respect for you!

I don't yet feel like I can say he's truly weaned - he's not nursed since Saturday and I'm not engorged, but my breasts are still bigger than usual, and I probably could express some milk if I tried.  And he still tries to nurse.  We're almost there!

*CD 693 - yep, that's how long it's been since I've had a period. I think I might have ovulated last week - it's been so long I can't be sure.  I guess I'll know for sure if AF comes to visit next week.

Fatherless Father's Day

I have always known I wanted to be a mom.  After years of waiting - waiting to meet the man that I would marry, the man who would be the father of my children - I realized that I couldn't wait any longer.  I was going to have to become a mother by myself, a single mom by choice.  Deciding to use a donor to have my child was not easy nor was it a choice I made lightly.  I had thought about adopting and for years had planned to adopt if I didn't meet someone.  That was, until I realized just how hard it is to adopt, especially as a single woman.  After a lot of very disappointing research, I ultimately decided that if I wanted to become a mom, my best option was to try to have a baby on my own.

Before Finn was born, before he was even conceived, I wondered what he would think about not having a father, and more specifically, how he would feel about being donor conceived.  Most of the research I did reassured me that as long as I was open and honest with him about his origins, he'd be ok.  Some people even suggested that he might not miss what he never had.  I'm still not too sure I believe that, but in the end, I felt I was making a good decision.

Still, I wondered if he would want to know about his genetic origins.  Would it be a passing thought from time to time, or something he would be consumed with?  I have a baby picture, a voice recording and some essays - would that answer his questions?  I've connected with the mother of one donor sibling, and would be willing to search for more on the Donor Sibling Registry if he decided he wanted to meet some of his donor siblings one day.  Maybe that would be satisfy his curiosity.  I don't know, but I do know that I'll be open to those questions if he has them, and make sure he always knows he can talk to me about these things without hurting my feelings.

In the meantime, while he's too young to have these questions, I see my job as the same as every parent out there: to make sure that he feels loved, safe and secure.  To encourage him to explore the world and to make strong connections with our family and friends so he can start to understand who he is and discover his place in the world.

I've been very interested to read the essays on the new website AnonymousUs.org. It's a website created for both donors, children of donors and parents of donor children to post anonymously about their experiences.  I first heard about it when a single mom friend of mine posted this Huffington Post article by Elizabeth Marquardt on our discussion board.  Marquardt is one of the authors of My Daddy's Name is Donor, a study looking at donor conceived children.

This is a fascinating, albeit limited, study.  I won't pretend to have read it all, but I have read quite a bit of it, and have a few comments on what I've read.  Unlike the traditional scientific paper that reports their methods in a clearly marked section towards the beginning, you have to search through the report to find out exactly how they did the study, so I could be wrong on the details.  It appears to be based on a questionnaire given to donor conceived children (using adopted children and children raised by their biological parents as controls).  This may be the easiest way to a study like this, but it does have limitations.  Just because someone answered yes to a question doesn't mean it's something that they worry about all the time - but the authors think it does based on the subject headings of their 15 major findings.  Here's an excerpt:

2. Family relationships for donor offspring are more often characterized by confusion, tension, and loss.

More than half (53 percent) agree, “I have worried that if I try to get more information about or have a relationship with my sperm donor, my mother and/or the father who raised me would feel angry or hurt.” Seventy percent agree, “I find myself wondering what my sperm donor’s family is like,” and 69 percent agree, “I sometimes wonder if my sperm donor’s parents would want to know me.”
Nearly half of donor offspring (48 percent) compared to about a fifth of adopted adults (19 percent) agree, “When I see friends with their biological fathers and mothers, it makes me feel sad.” Similarly, more than half of donor offspring (53 percent, compared to 29 percent of the adopted adults) agree, “It hurts when I hear other people talk about their genealogical background.”

There's no mention of any possibility of answering anything more than yes or no to these particular questions.  So it's impossible to tell if these are thoughts that these children are obsessed with, or just passing thoughts that they have every now and then.  I believe that's a significant difference.  

Just as interesting is the section later on in the report that talks about how donor conceived children are more likely to be egg or sperm donors themselves, and that their attitudes about assisted reproductive technology and gamete donate are much more open than children of adoptive or biological parents.  If these children truly felt so cheated by being donor conceived, wouldn't the opposite be true?

This study creates more questions than it answers.  Good questions, important questions for those of us who have donor conceived children.  It's a good starting place for understanding how choosing to use a donor may affect future children, but drawing concrete conclusions from the results is impossible.  And being able to apply the results to every child or every family is impossible, too.  Impossible, but that doesn't stop Elizabeth Marquardt from doing just that.

Marquardt suggests that all donor conceived children are unhappy.  Her Huffington Post article leads with a few excerpts from unhappy donor conceived children, and goes on to quote more unhappy children.  What she doesn't mention is that many of those quotes are from children who didn't find out they were donor conceived until they were older.  (The most painful posts to read on AnonymousUs are the ones written by children who found out in their teens or later; it's clear they've been deeply wounded by the deception.)  She completely ignored the essays from donor conceived children who were ok with the decisions their parents made; she didn't even mention those at all. 

But worst of all, she concludes with the statement "Fathers matter. For everyone."  

Well, of course they do. By making the decision to be single mothers by choice, we aren't saying that fathers don't matter, or that men don't matter.  Most of us are keenly aware of the need for male influence in our children's lives and make every effort to find men to fill that role.  

Having a child via donor sperm as a single woman is not an ideal situation.  (Nor, I would imagine) is it an ideal situation for those couples who have to use a donor due to male factor infertility.)  But it is a choice that most of us who have gone this route have made after a lot of careful consideration and planning, and these children are deeply wanted, which is not the case for many children born to biological parents.  

It's a choice that is made out of love.  I look at my little boy and I'm so very happy I made the decision to have him.  He is the most important thing in my world and I'm so thankful to have him. I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that Finn always knows that.  In the end, it's the best I can do.  And I think it will be enough.

Extra Hours in the Day

View from my porch

Nanny M has been watching a little girl (T) this week with Finn.  There was a death in T's family and her parents had to go out of town for the funeral, decided they couldn't handle the trip with two year old T and her baby sister and asked M if she could keep her.  It's been weird, coming home to two little toddlers in my kitchen every night.  It's been good for Finn - he's been exhausted every night and that means an easy time putting him to sleep!  He missed most of his nap today, too, so he was ready to go down a full hour before his usual bedtime, and he fell asleep as soon as I put him in his crib.  Which means that I have more than an entire extra hour to myself tonight.

I could have used it to clean the kitchen, or do work, but instead I brought my computer out on the back porch to enjoy the lovely weather while I caught up on email and FB.  But the light from the setting sun was too bright to easily read the computer, so after struggling for a few minutes, I just sat here and enjoyed the quiet.

We seem to have hit a sweet spot with the weaning.  Finn is now taking anywhere between 5-8 ounces of milk (half frozen breast milk, the other half whole milk) at bedtime, and sleeping until around 3 when he wakes up and wants to nurse.  Tuesday night that was the only time he woke up!  Last night he wasn't too interested in his bottle at bedtime, and so he woke up to nurse around 11pm.  I put him back in his crib, and he slept again until 3am.  I didn't offer to let him nurse then, but did bring him to bed.  He fussed a little, but then went back to sleep!  I'm willing to bet if I just didn't offer him the chance to nurse tonight, he'd do the same.

Today is the first day since he's only been nursing once (and therefore only nursing one breast each night) that neither side has felt full and approaching uncomfortable about now.  If he nurses tonight, I'm still pretty sure that we're not far from completely being weaned, as it's pretty clear my supply is dropping fast.

I'm so excited, since that brings me closer to T42.  And stressed, since that brings me close to T42!  LOL  I've enjoyed the lack of TTC stress in my life the past couple of years, and as much as I want another child, I'm dreading getting back in the stirrups again.  It also makes me sad, thinking of passing such a major milestone.  I cried the entire time he nursed last night, knowing that this time in our lives is almost past.  Shit, I'm crying about it now.  Damn hormones.

Bedtime tonight

Pretending to be in Control

Is it normal to feel like every last bit of your life is out of your control when you have a one year old?  I guess it probably is.  I know that we never really have control over our lives, but sometimes the illusion might be nice.

I have made a little progress lately.  I took a day off seeing patients last week and got about 2/3 of my backlog of charts finished, and had a few meetings that should lead to better things with our electronic medical records system.  While I'm still behind, I don't feel like it's impossible to ever catch up - and I've made enough changes that I won't get that far behind again, either.  So that's a huge thing.

My weight and overall physical well being is something I've talked about here before - mainly how much I've let it go this past year.  I used to work out with a trainer twice a week (even while pregnant, my last session with my trainer was when I was 37 weeks) and run or something cardio 2-4 days the rest of the week.  Eating healthy has never been my strong suit, but there was a time where I all but completely eliminated fast food from my diet.  I'm pretty sure I would feel better, and more in control, if I would work on getting healthy again.  The fact that I'm going to try to get pregnant sometime in the not too distant future is another huge incentive.

I'm putting it down in writing here, so that I'll have a tangible reminder of what my plans are.  You all have my permission to kick my ass if I don't stick to it this time!

My health goals:

• walk at least 3 days a week, but ideally 5
• NO MORE fast food - period
• cut back down to one caffeinated Diet Coke a day and one caffeine free - water the rest of the day
• 8 servings of fruits and veggies a day - this one may take me a few weeks to work up to, as it's going to be my hardest
• once I'm a little more caught up at work, maybe by the end of June, will start doing a yoga or strength training DVD 2-3 times a week after Finn has gone to sleep

I know I can do this.  I need to do it to be healthy, and I know it will help my fertility.

******

Weaning update:

Last night Finn took a 5 ounce bottle at bedtime and didn't nurse.  He then woke at 1am, refused the bottle, nursed a little and went back to sleep (in my bed).  He woke at 4am, refused the bottle again, and whined and fussed to nurse.  I let him latch on for a couple of minutes, then tried to switch it out for the bottle.  That didn't work, and I didn't let him latch back on.  He cried a little, but mainly just fussed and tossed and turned.  He finally fell back to sleep around 5:30, and then slept until 9:30 - over two hours past his usual wake up time!  I don't feel engorged at all, which confirms that those last sessions in the early morning hours really have been more comfort nursing than anything else.  

Going to bed the past two nights has been rough.  It took him an hour last night with some crying.  Tonight was much worse.  He doesn't want me to leave the room, or even go across the room to the chair, and when I do he screams bloody murder.  I get it, I really do.  He hasn't had to fall asleep by himself his entire life, and now I'm asking him to fall asleep in his crib, and he wants me close by.  But tonight he wouldn't lie down even when I was sitting next to the crib, and it was maddening.  He stood in the crib crying, "mama mama" and would occasionally throw his pacifier at me and cry even harder.  After an hour I had to leave the room to put laundry in so I wouldn't be up all night washing clothes, and then he really screamed.  He finally fell asleep after that episode, since it was so long that I was out of the room, but even then I had to stand over the crib and rub his back to calm him down.

I'm not ready to do cry it out.  I may eventually, but not right now, while we're dealing with the emotions of weaning.  But I really wish he'd at least fall asleep a little faster with less drama while I'm in the room.  He can do it - he did it today at naptime for me - asleep in less than 15 minutes.  

And now I need to go to bed, in case we have another repeat of last night since this time I won't be able to sleep until 9:30, even if he does.

CoSleeping and Weaning

Just-woke-up-Bedhead

Weaning Finn is much more emotional than I thought it was going to be - probably because I feel like I'm giving up cosleeping and nursing together.  Somewhere in the past week or so I've become ok with the idea of weaning Finn.  I'm pretty sure it's because I've stopped nursing him at bedtime, and that's always been the one special time I felt that we bonded through nursing.  He's now just nursing in the middle of the night, and I usually sleep through those anyway!  But the giving up cosleeping is what I'm really struggling with.  I just don't want to give it up.

It's been surprisingly easy to transition him to the crib at his bedtime, much easier than I thought after our first epic fail in April.  For the past two weeks, I've cuddled with him in my bed, reading a few stories while he drinks his bottle, and then I put him in his crib.  Just like when he went to sleep in my bed, some nights are easy, and some nights are hard.  But he always goes to sleep in his crib.

The hard part is keeping him in his crib.  And the honest truth is, I'm really happy with the way things work now with our sleeping arrangement.  He sleeps for a few hours, and then wakes up anywhere between 11pm-2am.  I have been bringing him to my bed to nurse and then he stays the rest of the night with me.  That first feeding is a real feed - he definitely eats.  The other two (yes, two) are just comfort sessions.  He swallows a little but mostly it's just the comfort of boob in mouth that he's after.

I've been hoping that he would just start sleeping through the night one of these nights and then - miraculously - he'd be weaned.  Last night was the closest we've gotten to that.  He went to sleep at 8:30 after taking a 5 ounce bottle (the largest bottle he's taken at bedtime so far - he usually only wants 2-4 ounces from a bottle at any given time, even though I know he gets a lot more than that when he nurses) and he slept until 2am.  His previous record in his crib was 4 hours, and I know it was the 5 ounces that did it.  I tried 6 ounces tonight, but no luck, he only took about 4.  But earlier in the week I was lucky to get 2 in him, so that's progress!

Last night I had another bottle ready for when he woke up.  He only took about 1 ounce, but it was a start.  He wanted to nurse after that, and I was feeling engorged, so I was more than happy to let him. I woke up enough the other two times to try to deny him, but he just fussed and threatened to wake up completely, so I gave in and let him nurse.

Writing it down, it's pretty clear to me that I have two choices.  One is to put him back in his crib after that middle of the night feeding, or keep him in bed, but deny him the next attempts at nursing, even if it means that he wakes up fully.

I suspect that weaning would be a lot easier right now if we'd never coslept.  I'm sure he's capable of sleeping through the night without needing to eat, and I bet he'd be doing just that if he had always been in his crib.  Despite this, I don't regret cosleeping at all.


When I went back to work, it was so easy to have Finn cuddled up in the bed next to me.  I slept in a nursing tank, and when he'd wake up to eat, I'd pop the tank open, let him latch on and fall back to sleep.  The next time he woke up, I'd move to the other side so he could latch on to the other boob.  I usually woke up with both sides of my top down, and Finn snuggled nearby with milk drool on his face.  People would ask me, "Are you getting any sleep?" and I was always surprised by the question.  From about 4 months to 10 months, I got more sleep every night that I had in years.  Finn didn't sleep through the night, but I didn't have to do more than halfway wake up to keep him happy.

For that reason alone, I'm glad we've coslept.  I can't imagine dealing with the stress of the past year while being as chronically sleep deprived as I know I would have been if he'd slept in his crib during that time. The other benefit of cosleeping for me is being able to be so close to him.  I thought it always seemed silly when other people said it, but I've found it's true - sleeping with him in my bed allows me to feel connected to him after an entire day apart.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to go with option #2.  When he wakes up in the middle of the night I'll offer him a bottle, and then bring him to bed and let him nurse, but deny him the other attempts, even if it means he wakes up.  Then it'll just be that middle of the night nursing session we have to give up.

I've not been well rested in about 3 months, and it looks like things might get worse for a while before they get better.  Maybe I should start going to bed earlier.

41

I hate that song by Five for Fighting, "100 Years to Live."  It depresses me every single time I hear it.  Getting older has always bothered me.  Not the idea of getting older, not the wrinkles or the grey hair (well, not too much), but just the idea of time passing so quickly, and knowing that certain eras of my life are over.

I still vividly remember the feeling of being 5.  I can remember little snippets - the joy of riding my Big Wheels as fast as I could down the sidewalk.  Singing along to "Free to be You and Me" at the top of my lungs.  The excitement of a visit from Santa Claus, which was only rivaled by my excitement at a visit from my grandparents. While the details are fuzzy, it almost feels like it was just yesterday, when I think about how it felt to be 5.

I remember an Easter when I was in junior high, an Easter where my mom didn't even pretend to have the Easter Bunny come visit.  I cried, and when my dad asked me what was wrong, I said, "I don't want to grow up.  I still want the Easter Bunny to visit."

High school was torture for me, and my theme song at the end of senior year was REM "It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)" - very uncharacteristic of me, but it was a nice break from the emotional mess I usually am at these sorts of moments.

My twenties were a blur of finishing college, applying to medical school (twice) and then med school and residency.  My thirtieth birthday came and went with little fanfare, other than my first grey hairs. Then suddenly I turned 40.  A lot happened in the those 10 years, but it still seemed as though they went so fast. I was talking to a patient today, and we were discussing something I vividly remember. I went back through her chart, and was shocked to see that this event had happened 5 years ago.

The passage of time sometimes makes my heart hurt.  There are so many things that I miss because I'm too busy to notice them.

That passage is even more evident now that Finn is here.  I see little babies now and find it hard to believe that Finn was ever that small, that helpless.  And yet this time last year, he was.  And this time next year he'll be talking and walking - and I'll find it hard to remember the days before he could do either.  It's not that I don't want him to grow up, it's just that I want it to pass a little more slowly.  I want to have time to savor these days with him, instead of rushing through them on the way to the weekend.

I'm forty five for a moment

The sea is high

And I'm heading into a crisis

Chasing the years of my life 

This whole song makes me sad - as encompasses an entire life in a few short lines.  "Chasing the years of my life."  Doesn't that just make you melancholy?  I'd be happy if I never heard this song again, even if it is actually really pretty.  But the line, "100 years to live" - really?  When Finn is my age, I'll be 81.  I really truly hope I'm lucky enough to have 100 years to live.  I'd love to see him grown and mature into his 50s...

Today's depressing post has been brought to you by the number 41 for the number of years I've been alive, as of today.  And it has actually been a really nice day, even if I forgot to hang out the birthday flag, and Finn didn't give me a birthday present - he's present enough, I think.  I'm not sure where the  downer mood came from, maybe a crash from the sugar rushes of the day, thanks to donuts and cake and more cake.

To end this on a high note, here's my brilliant son at play.  He's so funny these days, I just love him: