Emotionality

Finn trying to cheer me up

Why did no one warn me that I would be an emotional basket case with weaning?  This is almost as bad as being postpartum - but without the extreme sleep deprivation.  And I was totally unprepared for it.

I had an absolute breakdown while giving Finn his bottle tonight, for no reason at all.  I just started crying, and couldn't stop.  He was drifting off to sleep and fighting it, when he realized I was crying.  He reached out and put his fingers on my face, patting my tears.  Then he sat up, grinned and started to do a little wiggling dance to the music (Adele).  He then spent the next 15 minutes acting goofy and making me laugh, but I still felt like I could start crying again at any minute.  The thing is - I'm not sad.  I'm not depressed.  But I am.  It's the weirdest thing ever.  I think what gets me started crying is thinking about how fleeting this time with him is, and how he's changing every day.  I usually follow that up with thinking how ridiculous I'm being, and that I just need to enjoy each day as it comes and truly be in the moment.  I really hope this is all hormones, because I might go crazy if I'm like this his entire childhood.

Going for our walk did help.  I put it off a bit, waiting until 8:30 when it the sun had almost set and it had "cooled down" to 94 degrees.  Today was the first day this week I didn't get in my full 10,000 steps - I only made it to 8105.  But after 45 minutes I was just too hot.  I did feel better when I was done and managed not to start crying again when I was cuddling with Finn before putting him in his crib.

Despite my melancholy, a lot of stuff is finally going really well. After feeling so overwhelmed at work, I finally have found a way to make it all work.  At the beginning of June I had 158 open encounters - 158 patient visits that had to be documented.  Today I have 1.  Yes, one. I accomplished this amazing feat without working huge long hours - so not only am I finally caught up, but I'm also at a point where I can realistically anticipate staying caught up.  My biggest complaint for the past year has been that I am constantly doing work at night, but am always hugely behind.  Now I think I'll be able to do 30-60 minutes of work at night and stay caught up.  This is huge.  Not only that, but starting Monday we'll have 20 minutes per patient instead of 15.  And we're getting paid on a new reimbursement model that will mean I get paid more if I work really hard and see lots more patients than usual.  Amazing.  Three months ago I was so miserable I was ready to quit, and now it's good.  Really good.

My house is not quite a huge disaster anymore.  I'm getting regular exercise almost every day.  I'm eating healthy.  I still have a lot of things I've neglected the past 6 months to take care of, but I can actually believe I'll have time to do it.

I can't quite believe I'm going to take this perfect time and add the craziness of TTC to it. That is, assuming AF ever shows up.

Oh, and I have say a huge thank you to Gwinne for suggesting I try to express milk out of my lumpy and bumpy left boob.  I realized she was completely right, and so I did it.  And the next morning I woke up to normal sized boobs.  For the first time in 20 months, I've worn regular bras!  I'm still feeling really sore - bruised - but lumps and bumps are gone.  I'm also realizing that if I'm lucky enough to have Baby #2, I'm definitely going to need some plastic surgery once all this is done.  No doubt about it.