Holiday Party

My parents live in a great neighborhood - they're friends with a lot of their neighbors, and have things like poker nights and landscaping awards and cookie exchanges on a regular basis.  Tonight one of the neighbors had an open house, and since so many of them had been concerned about Finn when he was sick, we went so my parents could show him off.

Poor Finn was overwhelmed by the number of people there and by the noise.  We got there early, so it wasn't too bad to start, but by the time we'd been there an hour he was tired and overstimulated.  I'm pretty sure my normally happy baby didn't smile the entire time we were there.  It was nice to meet people I've heard my parents talk about, and everyone was so nice to Finn - I'm glad we went even if it was a little bit much for my boy.  I enjoyed it even more, knowing my parents were prepared to only stay a short while, and were ready to leave once it was clear that Finn had just about reached his limit.

At one point, the husband of one of my mom's poker buddies was talking to me and commented on what a big boy Finn is.  "How tall is his daddy?" he asked me.  My response?  "Oh, I have no idea." He gave me a strange look, so I went on to explain, "I really don't remember."  And with that, the conversation was over and he quickly found someone else to talk to.

Honestly, I can't blame him.  You'd think I'd be better at this by now.  Or, at the very least, I'd pull up my donor's profile and refresh my memory on some of his vital stats.

Learning to Parent

My sister and her family left this morning.  It's amazing how quiet the house is with them gone.  Finn loved spending time with his cousins, though I think the constant stimulation, attention and recurrent close brushes with severe injury has worn him out.  He slept for 12 hours last night, and has already taken an almost 2 hour nap this morning!

It's interesting watching my parents with the boys...my sister and I have gained a lot of insight into how we were raised since the boys have come into our lives.  My mom adores her grandsons, but on her terms.  She will never be the grandmom that plays with her grandkids for hours.  Instead, she'll be the one that smothers them with attention as long as it doesn't interfere with her schedule too much.  The day after Christmas, we watched her sit on the couch, reading the paper while the boys played on the floor in front of her and tried to get her to play with them - she didn't even respond.  My dad is much more involved with the children, and they adore him, but he really has no idea how to handle discipline issues or a fussy baby.  I'm pretty sure that his grandparenting style is fairly similar to his parenting style, and while I don't remember clearly, I think my mom's may be the same as well.

My sister has the reputation as being the difficult child.  She cried all the time from the time she was an older infant on into her early school years.  She never seemed like she felt settled or secure until she was well into elementary school.  Flash forward a few decades to when D was around 2. J told our mom she didn't want to go shopping at the time our mom wanted to go, because it would interfere with D's nap.  My mom's response, "He'll be fine, he needs to learn to to be flexible," and later Mom complained to me about how J let herself be controlled by D's needs.  I told her that J knew that D didn't do well if he didn't nap and eat his meals on a regular schedule, and my mom actually snorted at me in response.

Later J and I talked about it, and came to the conclusion that all of J's crying as a child was probably related to her need for a schedule, and the fact that my parents didn't give it to her.  Based on her experiences when D didn't follow his usual schedule, we're pretty sure that he would have been just as bad as she had been, if J hadn't been an observant parent and responded to her son's needs appropriately.

My parents did do the most important thing right: I always felt loved as a child, and I feel loved by my parents as an adult child.  But I don't feel as though they were as involved in my life as they could have been or should have been.  My mom was a stay at home mom until I was in 1st grade, but my memories as a child that age center around me playing alone either with my record player in my room or out on my swing set.  I remember running errands with my mom, but I don't ever remember playing with her.  I don't remember her helping me with school work or reading with me once I could read on my own.  I know I never felt comfortable talking to her when I had fights with friends, much less trouble with boys later on.

Even before Finn was born, I knew I wanted to have a different parenting style than my parents.  I've read books, talked to friends and watched other people with their children, and have been gradually putting together something that works for me; I guess the closest thing to a description is "attachment parenting" though I'm not strictly following it by the book.  It's been difficult when my parents are around, because they can't help but criticize the way I parent since it's so different than how they did things.  It's helping that I've already seen some instances where I ignored their comments, and things have worked out fine.  One example is how both my parents constantly told me I needed to put Finn down more often when he was a newborn.  "Don't hold him all the time, he'll get spoiled and never want to be put down at all."  I ignored them, and I now have a baby who is happy to play on the floor by himself, as long as I'm somewhere nearby.  He knows I'm there if he needs me, so he's secure without me constantly holding him.

It also helps, reading scenarios in books that I can directly relate to my own experiences growing up.  In Superbaby, the author recommends avoiding labels with children, instead trying to praise them or thank them (or even describe them) based on their specific actions.  That really jumped out at me, since I remember always being labeled as "shy" and "smart" when I was a child.  That label of being shy really stuck with me, but the truth is, it isn't accurate at all.  I'm not shy, I'm just reserved in new situations.  I like to sit back and get the lay of the land before I jump into anything new.  It's funny, because once I realized that about myself, I found I had a lot more confidence in social situations - and I didn't realize that about myself until just a few years ago.  I wonder if my life would have been different if my parents had realized that about me when I was a kid and described me that way instead of labeling me as shy.  As far as being smart goes - I remember being so proud that I was smart.  Proud, that is, until I got to a math class that was really challenging for me, and instead of working hard to figure it out, I gave up because I figured I wasn't as smart as everyone always thought.  Which is exactly what the author of Superbaby says will happen.  Again, I wonder what would have been different about my life if my parents had praised me for working hard to solve difficult problems, instead of praising me for being the smart one.

We all want to be great parents, but most importantly, we all want to raise great kids.  In the end, I think I turned out alright, so it's clear there's a lot I can learn from my parents.  But in a single parent home, there's not the extra parent to balance out the mistakes, so it's even more important to me that I learn who Finn is and then learn how to be the best mom I can to him.  I think I'm going to expand my use of this space to write about the books and articles I read and how I interpret them to apply to my family.  If anyone has any suggestions for great books, articles or websites, I'd love to hear them!

Christmas Day

My head is full of posts this week - and so after barely making a post a week for the past few months, I'm hoping for almost a post a day this week!

This first one is about Finn's first Christmas - which is really more about my first Christmas as Finn's mom.  Because while Christmas is for children, it's also for parents, especially the first few years.

We flew down to Florida on Christmas Eve.  Flying with a 7 month old is a whole lot harder than flying with an almost 5 month old.  He was so interested in all that was going on around him and was such a little wiggle worm, my arms were exhausted long before we landed! He also looked adorable in his Santa pjs that I had him wear on our flight, so we got lots of attention from everyone - the TSA agents, little old ladies walking through the airport, the guy selling hot dogs, the little girl in the seat behind us on the plane and even the grumpy old man sitting next to us in the waiting area.  The whole experience of plane travel is so different with a baby, exhausting but fun. (Well, fun as long as there are no tantrums and no poop.)

Great-Grandmom and Finn

My sister and her boys had arrived here the day before, and Finn and I were at my parents for less than an hour when the rest of the crew showed up - my aunt, her new fiance and two sons and my grandmom.  It ended up being a fun evening, and Finn charmed everyone, including his great-grandmom.  He did the round of goodnight kisses at the end of the evening, and had hives popping up on his face before he made it to the bed.  A round of benadryl and hugs later, and he was asleep, though I kept the bedside light on so I could easily check in on him obsessively the entire night.  No idea what caused the hives, must have been something that someone ate, but given the amount of food we had, the possibilities are endless.

My sister and I stayed up late wrapping presents and getting ready for Santa.  We were almost ready for bed when I realized that *we* were Santa!  So my sister drank the milk and ate one of the cookies, while I ate one and a half, leaving some crumbs behind.  The stockings were filled, Philip-the-elf-on-a-shelf was moved and we were finally ready for sleep.  (As an aside, I ordered Finn's stocking from a woman on Etsy - I adore it, though I didn't realize it was going to be quite so large!)

The kids woke us up on Christmas morning, though for Finn it was just the usual wake up time.  The morning was full of the usual Christmas insanity - wrapping paper everywhere, gifts galore, yummy breakfast food and, this year, a baby intent on eating all the tissue paper he could get his hands on.

This time last year I was pregnant, and imagining what Christmas would be like this year.  Two years ago, I was about to start my TTC journey.  This year I'm a mom, and for the first Christmas in years, I was truly happy the entire day.  There was no sense of melancholy, no hidden tears in the bathroom between presents and lunch, no wistful longing for a child of my own on Christmas Day.  Every day I look at my boy and find myself loving him even more than I did the day before.  How is that possible?  Finn was just as happy with the new socks in his stocking as he was with the new toys from Santa, and while he's way too young to understand all that was going on, he did have fun and was a joy to watch as he took in all the craziness.

The excitement of the morning wore Finn out, and he (the boy who has fought sleep like the enemy for the past few weeks) gladly took two long naps, giving me time to clean up, and to read and relax.  My brother in law watched Finn while I showered, my dad was happy to play with him while I helped my mom, and Finn spent a lot of time on the floor with his cousins and his new toys.  It was a wonderful day.  Dinner was another huge family affair, and Finn ate his avocado with glee while the rest of us had beef tenderloin and way too much pie.

I'm so glad my sister's sons and Finn are going to grow up together.  D is the oldest, and while he's too young to always be patient with the younger two, he is very interested in all they do, and does try to be a good big brother/older cousin.  Oliver is only a year older than Finn, and so goes between being fascinated by him and being threatened by him.  Turns out, he acts the same way towards Finn no matter how he's feeling: trying to sit on him, crawl on him and generally smother him with affection.  Finn actually pushed back a time or two, so I'm thinking he's going to be able to hold his own in no time.

And now my sweet boy is stirring in the other room, so it's time for me to head off to bed!  Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Finn's face when I sing his favorite song

It's the night before Christmas Eve, and I just finished my Christmas shopping about 4 hours ago.  Finn is sleeping, I have presents, diapers, clothes and toys strewn across my living room floor, and I'm online instead of packing.  Brilliant.

We leave for Florida tomorrow, and will be there an entire week.  Christmas Eve and Christmas Day will be spent with family (more family on Christmas Eve than initially planned, but I guess we'll still have fun, though it won't be the cozy, intimate family evening it was initially intended to be).

I'm hoping to have time during my week off to catch up on paperwork, blogs, emails and sleep.  And maybe even watch a movie or two.  Unless you count when Finn was in the hospital, I haven't had this much time off since maternity leave, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I have lots of things to post about, and lots of blog reading to do, and I can't wait for that, either.  In the meantime, Finn and I wish you all a Very Merry Christmas!

Rashes

It was almost 4 pm and I was running 5 patients behind when I heard my phone ring.  I finished with that patient, and checked my voice mail - it was Nanny M.  She never calls me during the day, she always texts, so I was worried before I even heard her voice, "Call me back as soon as you get this message."  Finn had woken up fussy from a nap just as she noticed what she thought was a bug bite.  Almost before her eyes, it went from one spot to a rash all over his body, his ears and face were bright red and he was crying.  I told her to get some benadryl and head towards the pediatrician's office and I called their triage nurse.  The nurse took some information from me, then called Nanny M and talked to her directly before telling her to bring Finn in.  M texted me a short while later, "The doctor says he's going to be fine!" and then the doctor called me herself to tell me that it was definitely an allergic reaction, but they're not sure what it was from.  He'd been asleep for an hour when the rash started, and he'd eaten two hours before it started.  I have to admit, we haven't been very good about waiting 3-4 days in between introducing foods, so it might have been the chicken M fed him while they were out at lunch, it was only his second time having chicken (the first time was when I was out to lunch on Sunday).  Or it might have what the chicken was cooked in, or maybe it was egg in the little piece of bread she let him have.

At any rate, Finn apparently hasn't had enough specialists taking care of him, because now we have to make an appointment with a pediatric allergist.  And, of course, the allergist might not even be helpful, since allergy is a weird field, especially with babies.  With babies, the allergy testing is limited, and a negative test doesn't mean much of anything - but a positive test at least will tell me if there's something that really should be avoided.

My patient schedule is already overbooked for the next 6 weeks (and this week and next they forgot to leave me time to pump in the afternoon - hence me running 5 patients behind), and Finn's January MRI still hasn't been scheduled yet, and I now have to find time to take him to an allergist.  And then to allergy testing.

In the meantime I'm trying to wage war with our EMR (electronic medical records) company.  I sent an email today that ended with, "and it really makes me wonder who it was you had review your program before it went live.  Even a physician who has never prescribed insulin could tell you that not only is it inaccurate, but also an embarrassment to have the choice to dose insulin in teaspoons and tablespoons in your prescription template."

Is it Christmas vacation yet?

Managing Life

This past week has been challenging.  Well, let me back up a bit.  I've been really frustrated and disheartened by my job lately.  In August we went from paper charts to electronic medical records.  I knew it was going to be a rough transition, but kept reminding myself how much better it would be once most patients had their info in the computer, and once I was used to the system.  Only we kept on learning more and more things that we have to do with the system; things that take forever and are ruining any improved efficiency we might have been able to get out of being on computers (we can blame that on Medic.are's "meaningful use" requirements - all these things we have to do to show we are getting meaningful use out of our system so we don't get penalized by Medic.are.  Sadly, it's not shocking that the government is doing something with healthcare that makes it even harder to take care of patients in an efficient and cost effect manner - but that's a post for another blog.)  So right now my schedule looks like this - up at 7, get ready while playing with Finn.  Leave for work when Nanny M gets here at 8:30.  Work all day, get home at 6, play with Finn until he's ready for bed at 7:30.  Once he's asleep, I get on the computer and do paperwork until bedtime at 11pm, commenting on a few blogs or writing an email or two when I need a break. If I have a night where I don't get 2-3 hours of computer time, then I don't get all my charts done.  Which is why I have 45 charts that need to be completed right now.

Then this week I also covered the hospital, meaning I was done seeing patients at 3, then I had to pump and then head over to see patients.  It was a frustrating week.  Not one day went by this week that some incident at the hospital didn't have me angry at someone, and I got home late every single night, which means I feel like I've hardly seen Finn at all this week.

Tonight I was looking forward to coming home, putting Finn to bed and watching "Bridesmaids" while eating Peeps and drinking Diet Coke.  I've been looking forward to it all day.  But I was so wound up when I got home, I decided I needed to go for a walk, so I put Finn in the carrier and we went out for a brisk 45 minute walk.  And of course he fell asleep.  So when I put him down at 7:40, shortly after we got home, he was wide awake.  I tried to cuddle with him, then I tried to rock him in the glider, and then got back in the bed and tried to let him fall asleep next to me while I surfed the internet.  None of it worked, he was fussing and I was irritated and I just wanted to go watch a movie already.

And then it hit me.  My boy was wide awake, and I was making us both miserable by trying to force him to sleep when he clearly didn't want to.  So I picked him up, brought him downstairs, and played with him on the floor.  He banged blocks, he giggled endlessly as I made faces at him and tickled him and squealed as I played airplane with him.  I've been missing this time with him, and yet somehow I'd managed to almost miss a full hour of play with him because I had it in my head that I was going to watch a movie while he slept.  And I was actually mad at him for not cooperating with my plan.

I've dreamed of being a mom almost as long as I can remember.  There's not a day that goes by that I'm not profoundly thankful for the chance to be a mom to Finn.  And still, the annoying stressors of daily life get in the way and can make me crazy enough to forget all those things.  I really hope that today sticks with me, and that I don't let that happen again.

He's now asleep, and while I was waiting for him to drift off, I read this post on Michaela's blog, and then read Megan's post that she linked to in her writing.  Both posts reminded me of where I've been, and how lucky I am to be where I am now.  I know I don't believe that things "happen for a reason" but somehow I can't help but think that sometimes God manages to send us messages right when we need to hear them.

Home Again

Me and Finn at the Gaylord Texan

We had a wonderful weekend in Texas - even though we were inside the entire time, and the only way we could tell we were in Texas was the occasional person walking by in a cowboy hat.  Well, that and all the Texas themed stuff in the gift shops.  The conference was at the Gaylord Texan; all my times in Dallas I've never stayed there before, which is a shame, because it's fabulous.  They're all decked out for Christmas, and have tons of Dreamworks themed Christmas things (like "Shrek the Halls" ice exhibit), which made me wish Finn was old enough to enjoy it.  But he did like all the lights, especially at night.  I'm so looking forward to sharing my love of travel and new experiences with Finn; he handled the trip so well, I'm really hoping he continues to be a good traveler. This weekend, it was so nice to have someone with me while we traveled, and so great to be able to see Finn during my breaks each day.

Yesterday I finally got around to going through my mail and found a notice from my bank of a denied check that they thought was fraudulent.  I checked it out online, and it turns out it was fraudelent.  It was my check, but written to someone I don't know with the memo "Oct-Nov rent".  When I got to work today, I dug out the checkbook I keep in my desk, and found that the check was taken from that checkbook, and it looks like it was just that check.  I called the bank to confirm it was a fraudulent check, and they told me I have to close out my entire account. The account I've had since 1999.  The account that I have almost every single bill tied to.  The account whose number I finally memorized last summer.  So that account is now closed, and I have to spend my lunch hour tomorrow at the bank opening a new account.  And then I'll be spending the evenings for the rest of the week updating all my other accounts with the new bank info.  I'm so glad that the bank caught it, but SO annoyed I have to deal with this.

And of course, I'm wondering who it was who stole the check.  My office is right next to the nurse's station, but out of the path of traffic in the office, so it's hard to imagine a patient could have gotten back there and had time to riffle through my desk.  I'm suspicious that it was the cleaning crew, though the woman who does most of the cleaning would never ever do something like that.  She also works at the hospital, and before I delivered Finn, she gave me her cell phone number and told me to call her if I needed anything while I was in the hospital.  She used to watch me walk out to my car when I was at the office late, to be sure I was safe, and when my car was broken into a few years ago, she was more upset than I was.  So I know it's not her.  But she's not always the one who does the cleaning.  I think I'm going to tell my office manager about it, and let her deal with that side of things.  After I file a police report, that is.

I wonder if I'm going to have to go to the police station to do the reporting, or if they'll come to me?  And I also wonder, why are people so mean sometimes?

Recovering

I'm writing this from my hotel room in Dallas, with Finn sleeping beside me and Nanny M in the other bed.  I have a work conference for the next few days and so we all are here - and Nanny M got to fly for the first time today.  Finn was a champ on the plane, a seasoned traveler already!

My mastitis is finally better.  Yesterday morning was the last of the icky goop coming out, and now it's just a little tender.  I've been taking probiotics since Tuesday, since so many of you thought it would help.  It's too early to tell if it will help keep a yeast infection at bay, but the lower GI side effects that started Tuesday have gone away completely.  Yay!

I know that the mastitis was caused by not pumping at all over the holiday weekend.  Most work days I pump twice what Finn eats during the day.  And since he was born, he always eats his fill off just one breast.  So during the week I feed him off one side in the early morning hours, he usually gets a light "snack" from the other side before I leave for work, and then I pump at noon and around 3, and he nurses again when I get home, around 6pm.  When I'm home with him, we skip the morning snack and he nurses a full meal around 10am, and then again around 2pm.  But since he only nurses on one side, that means that one breast goes a long time (4am to 2pm) between nursing.  So I either need to start nursing on both sides on weekends, or pumping at least once in the morning to keep this from happening again.

And of course I'm off work and with him for another 4 days (though most of it I'll be in lectures) and need to start doing something like that now.  Meagan recommended the manual Harmony pump by Medela to me in November after my blog post about being so engorged at the wedding a few months ago, so I took her advice and bought one for this trip.  I used it tonight, and have to say that it's awesome!

And finally, I can't end this post without a picture of Finn - this time with his picture with Santa.  The guys taking the picture was so great - he kept Finn's attention while I put him in Santa's lap, so he didn't even know who was holding him until well after this picture was taken.  Isn't this guy the best Santa ever?

Mastitis is a Bitch

Sunday I took Finn to meet Santa and get his picture taken - but that's a story for another post.  Finn ate some pears for breakfast yesterday around 10 (he nurses at night around 4am, and is never interested in eating again until 9-10) and then we ran some errands.  We didn't make it to meet Santa until around two, and I fed him again right before we went in.  He ate a lot less than usual, and I noticed that I was tender on that side, but figured he'd just gone too long between feedings and I was engorged.

By the time we left the mall, I was feeling awful.  All I wanted was to lie down.  Once we got home I took some Tylenol and developed chills as soon as we got in the bed to nap.  I checked my temperature about an hour later and it was 99.7.  I kept trying to get Finn to feed from that right breast, but he wouldn't feed for long, even when it was clear he was still hungry.  I probably should have pumped then, but I felt so awful, it didn't even occur to me.

My fever broke in the middle of the night, but Finn still wouldn't feed off that right side.  I was less achy this morning but still felt pretty horrible, and spent the morning looking forward to my pump session.  And when I did pump, I noticed a little bead of something thick and yellow on my nipple when I was done *warning, this gets a little gross* and when I squeezed, more gunk came out.  I expressed tons of nasty stuff, just from one duct.  It seriously looked like snot was coming out of my breast.  The other ducts were spurting out milk just fine, so fine I ended up with sprays of milk all over my desk before it occurred to me to put a tissue over myself to keep that from happening.

I felt a million times better after getting all that purulent (never write the word "pussy" when trying to describe something that was pus like, it never looks right) material out, and thought maybe I was in the clear. But then I started to feel awful again a few hours later.  So I broke down and got antibiotics.  I hate the risk of a yeast infection from them, but I really have no choice.  Has anyone ever truly had success with taking probiotics with antibiotics?

I came home and got Nanny M to stay a little longer so I could take a hot shower and express more nastiness.  Once she left I made myself some oatmeal for dinner, and found myself crying on the floor with Finn while waiting for my water to boil.  I have not felt this bad since I was in labor.  I'm not in the same type of miserable pain, but I feel like absolute crap.   Oh, it would be so nice to have someone taking care of me right now.

I pumped on that side while Finn took a bath, and then expressed more goop - much less than earlier, which hopefully is a good sign.  I tried to sleep, but I've got a nasty headache, too, and can't get comfortable.  Which is just annoying, since all I want to do is get in bed.  Maybe I'll take some ibuprofen and get an ice pack for my neck and crawl in bed again.  I need to get up at midnight to take my next antibiotic, and I think I'll pump again then to keep the gross stuff moving out.

Once I'm feeling better, I'm going to have to come up with a much better plan for nursing and pumping on the weekends.  I'm certain I brought this on myself; a week or so ago I even had the thought that I was going to end up in trouble with the way my nursing schedule is so different on the weekends, since I don't pump then. I should have listened to myself.  Mastitis is a bitch.

Thanksgiving

Finn and I had Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's house today.  It was crazy, and awful, and fun and all that Thanksgiving should be.

J did a great job of planning the timing of things - she has ordered a turkey already made, so all that needed to be done with that was heating it in the oven.  As soon as it was in the oven, we started on the prep work for the potatoes and the dressing. We decided to use the Food Network' mix and match dressing recipe (you can find it here but I like the way they have it laid out as a list in their magazine better); for our bread we used challah bread, then added pears and apples, pancetta, gruyere cheese and gouda - it was amazingly good.  We also did a medley of roasted potatoes:  sweet potatoes, red potatoes, purple potatoes and Yukon gold.  Last night I made a homemade apple pie (with gala, pink lady and braeburns - yummy!), so dessert was one thing we didn't have to worry about.

Our plan was to share the prep work, and at first that went well, as Finn played happily on the floor and her boys napped.  Then Finn got fussy and I had to take him to D's room to nap.  He stayed asleep for about 30 minutes, then was up again, but unhappy and needed constant attention.  I  finally got him to go to sleep again, but he didn't sleep long again, and woke up just before it was time to eat.  Which meant that dinner was eaten with me holding him.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  My sister ended up doing most of the cooking (I did chop up two apples and all of the celery) while my brother-in-law watched football and complained about anything she asked him to do to help out with the boys.  He's usually really great (he's even changed Finn's diapers more than once) so I have no idea why he was being so annoying.  But whatever the reason, the two older boys got more and more wound up through out the day, while my sister worked in the kitchen and bickered with her husband who was doing his almighty best to be a pain in the ass.

And then it was time to transfer the turkey from the roasting pan to the serving plate, a job B actually volunteered to do.  I was helping the boys arrange their chairs in the dining room when I heard a crash, followed by swearing.  The turkey and all its juices were on the floor.  B burned his hands trying to pick it up, my sister was trying not to cry, the kids were asking if the turkey was broken and I made things worse by laughing.  I couldn't help it.

Luckily, the turkey was salvageable, and the rest of the food was delicious.  The boys made a mess with their Thanksgiving dinner while Finn chowed down on pears (in his mesh feeder), and I ate one handed with my plate out of Finn's reach, and my sister and her husband ignored each other.

D (the 4 year old) declared he was thankful for his brother and for Finn - and then went on to say he was thankful for everything in the world - except salad.  And broccoli.

I'm thankful for my family, even when they're dysfunctional.  I'm thankful for the miracle that is my little boy, and thankful that he's celebrating Thanksgiving in good health.  I'm thankful for my friends.  I'm thankful for all of you reading right now.  And I'm thankful for the piece of pie in the kitchen that's calling my name.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Food Wars

Loving the carrots

I never thought we'd have a hard time getting Finn on solid foods.  (And by we, I mean me and Nanny M.)  He's been watching us eat for over a month, and even making chewing motions with his mouth when I'd start chewing.  Everything goes straight into his mouth as soon as he picks it up, and he's 20 pounds at 6 months and has two teeth.  All signs it's time for solid food, right?

I thought the hardest thing was going to be deciding what foods to give him.  My pediatrician said a new food every 7 days, starting with rice cereal, then fruit and then add veggies. My friend's pediatrician said wait a day or two between new foods, start with rice cereal and then veggies and later add fruit.  And then some of the references I read online suggested meat as baby's first food.  It took me awhile, but I've finally realized that parenting is not an exact science.  There are so many different recommendations from the experts because no one really knows what the right thing to do is.  So my job is to do all the research, and then go with what feels right for Finn and hopefully not drive myself crazy in the process.

I expected the first few days of rice cereal to be a little weird for him, but I was sure that once we went to sweet potatoes, he'd be thrilled.  Instead, he turned up his nose to everything.  Oh, he'd eat a little at first, but within a few days he was turning his head away whenever Nanny M would put the spoon up to his face, and it only took him a day or two to figure out her tricks, so that he was sure to keep his mouth closed, no matter what she was doing to entice him into a big grin. Sweet potatoes didn't do it, and neither did prunes or bananas.

Mealtime isn't supposed to be a battle when they're young, and one thing the experts can agree on is you should never force a baby to eat when he clearly says he's done.  Nanny M wondered if we should just hold off on the solid food for a while, and I was starting to agree with her.  And then he got some very watery stools.  Unfortunately, that immediately made me worry about the neuroblastoma.  In some instances, neuroblastomas can make a substance called VIP that can cause watery diarrhea.  He hadn't been tested for that because he didn't have diarrhea, but of course I had to worry that maybe I just hadn't noticed the diarrhea because he was getting breast milk, and had watery type stools anyway.  But since we've stopped the rice cereal, the watery stools have stopped, so I think maybe it was just a food reaction. But that plus the difficulty in getting him to eat made me think we should wait awhile longer.

This weekend my sister suggested we give him a Mum Mum cracker.  And he shocked me by eating the entire thing.  So I tried giving him cut up pieces of banana - and let him feed himself (though the banana was too slippery for much to make it to his mouth) and he seemed to like what he was able to eat.  I'd tried the same thing with sweet potatoes last week, but maybe it was just a little too soon into the whole solid food thing for him to be happy with anything.

Monday we broke out the mesh feeders and tried more banana.  And he loved it!  Yesterday he tried steamed carrots in the mesh feeder - and these were by far his favorite food yet.  Today Nanny M gave him baby oatmeal, and as long as she let him feed himself (VERY messy!) he was happy and ate it all up!  It turns out my boy wants to feed himself.  It seems like he's too young to be this opinionated, but I guess he's not!

I've just downloaded a book about baby led weaning - the feeding philosophy that centers around not giving babies purees at all, instead giving them bite sized pieces of solid food from the very beginning.  I'm hoping Finn will do some purees, just because there are so many fun things we can make, but it looks like I'm going to have to learn how to safely let him feed himself without always relying on the mesh feeder.

I'm really glad I decided not to spend $150 on one of those fancy baby food makers.  And I guess it's time I invest in a splat mat for my dining room floor.

Weekend Getaway

Friday night, Finn and I packed up and headed out to the mountains for the weekend.  I seriously had more things packed for two days away than I took with me for a two week trip to Africa a few years ago. I used to be so proud of what a light packer I could be when I needed to...oh, how times have changed!

It was dark by the time I got to the cabin that my sister had rented and the house was full with J and her boys, our parents and our favorite aunt and uncle.  Finn had slept the whole drive there, so he was happy to be loved on by the relatives, and even seemed to enjoy the noise from the two older boys.  It was all pretty overwhelming though, and when our parents and aunt and uncle left to go back to their rental, we were all ready for bed.

The rest of the weekend, spent with a 4 year old and an 18 month old, made me realize that even though I thought I was prepared to raise a boy, it's going to be more challenging and more fun than I ever imagined!  Finn and his cousins woke up about the same time both mornings, and I could hear J giggling in her bedroom with her boys as I cuddled with mine.  And then D (the 4 year old) was especially challenging the rest of the morning and had my sister so frazzled by the time we got to breakfast that D actually asked her, "Mommy, do you ever wish you didn't have children?"  The extremes of parenthood, all in a few short hours.

Me with Finn and Ollie

J and the boys

Yesterday was a beautiful day in the mountains, and J, D, Finn and Dad decided to go up to Chimney Rock while Mom stayed at our cabin with Ollie, the 18 month old.  We drove up to the entrance and the cheery girl at the booth said, "The elevator is currently down for servicing, so the only way to access the Rock is by walking.  Is that ok?"  Of course we said yes...then wondered if we were going to be able to make it.

D impressed us all by all but sprinting up the 400 steps that lead up to Chimney Rock.  And I surprised myself by being able to make it, too, even with 20 pounds of baby strapped on to me.  I was pretty winded, but at each break it didn't take me too long to catch my breath, which makes me hope that once I really start back to running it won't take me long to get back to being able to do 3-5 miles.

D and J on Chimney Rock

It was such a beautiful weekend, and so much fun to see the cousins interacting - Finn is fascinated by everything the two older boys do, and the boys enjoyed making Finn laugh.  I'm so glad my sister lives so close that we get to see each other often, but I think we're going to have to make a habit out of little weekend trips, too.

The Cousins

11/11/11

 

Holy Moly!

It's 11:11 on 11/11/11!  

For the entire year before I had Finn, I somehow managed to catch the time at 11:11 most mornings and almost every night.  And every time I did, I remembered to make my 11:11 wish.  Now it's 11:11 on 11/11/11, which means the wishes made today must be extra powerful.  So I'm saying a wish for myself, as well as for all of you reading - wishing for healthy, happy babies for all of us.  

(I'm pretty sure this is a wish come true.)

Time for Solids

I'm not sure how long it's going to last, but my life feels like it's changed dramatically since the time changed just two days ago.  Until yesterday, my evening routine was playing with Finn until it was obvious he was tired, and then struggling to get him to go to sleep until he finally drifted off around 9-9:30.  The rest of the evening was spent trying to get work done in between freezing milk and cleaning up.  That usually didn't leave much time for healthy eating, or blogging or for anything fun, since I didn't usually finish paperwork until after 11.

But in the two days since the time change, Finn has fallen asleep (easily!) at 7:30 pm. I'm not sure what's so different - why it is that he falls asleep so easily the past two days - but it's wonderful.  We cuddle, he falls asleep and I put him down and can come downstairs and get work done.  I hate giving up the time with him that we had before...but I'm also loving the extra time.  And feeling a little guilty for enjoying it so much.

But the big news this week is that Finn started solid food this week!  Nanny M stayed a little late to help, and to video the whole thing.  The rice cereal wasn't much of a hit - but after a few tries, it seems to be growing on him.  I have a whole post about baby food to come, but tonight I'm going to take advantage of my free time and read some blogs.

Halloween!

We didn't do anything for Halloween.  We didn't go anywhere, or see anyone, and we had no trick or treaters.  But that didn't keep me from dressing up Finn.  In fact, I think I might have gotten a little carried away with Finn's Halloween outfits!  But, in my defense, none of them were expensive.

Super cute onesie - $5 (at Target)

Puss n Boots - $3 (at consignment sale)

Lion - free (from a friend)

Kisses - Priceless (from Finn)

Happy Halloween!

The Eye Doctor and the Vet

Finn had a follow-up with the ophthalmologist on Friday.  She's pretty sure Finn's Horner's syndrome won't go away.  And she confirmed that it involves the bottom eye lid, too.  But if that's the worst thing that comes out of this whole nightmare, I'm okay with that.  I'm more than okay with that!  Besides, if it bothers him when he's older, he can always get plastic surgery to fix the eye droop.  I'm hoping he'll like the two different eye colors.  Though it looks to me like his right eye is changing just a little; in a few months the difference might not be as dramatic as it seems now.

Two weeks ago, I took Vagus to the vet to get his claw removed from the pad of his foot, and while he was there, the vet found a new heart murmur.  His paw is fully healed now, but, based on last week's echocardiogram, he has mild heart failure.  And based on his blood and urine tests, he has early kidney failure, too.  He's 16 years old, so it's not a shocker, but it does make me sad.  For now he's on a tiny dose of a blood pressure medication, and he has to go back in 6 months for an echocardiogram.  Serial MRIs for Finn and serial echocardiograms for Vagus.  Healthcare around here is a lot more complicated (and expensive) than I ever anticipated!

Vagus

Consult with the RE

Future Blackmail Picture

In August I called my RE, Dr. M, for an appointment to discuss TTC #2, but then Finn had his first MRI and I forgot all about it.  Until this week, when I realized that my appointment was today.  It was weird, going into that office and not feeling a sense of anxiety or worry.  I'm sure that I'll feel different the next time I go, but today was just to come up with a plan (I'm a planner), so I'd know where we stand, and so there were no nerves at all.

We first talked about baseline testing, and he recommended that we repeat the HSG.  He didn't insist upon it, but said that sometimes weird things happen with c-sections (he's seen more than one case where a fallopian tube was twisted up away from the uterus) and that while it's unlikely, it makes sense to go ahead and get it checked just to be safe.  That makes sense to me, so I agreed with that.  Because of stupid laws and regulations, I have to get all my infectious disease testing done again (they won't take my word for it when I say there's no way I could have contracted syphilis, hep C or HIV in the past year).  We discussed IVF, but he thinks it's reasonable to try at least a couple of IUIs using the same protocol that got me pregnant with Finn.  I have two vials of Finn's donor's sperm in storage at the RE's office, so that sounds ok to me.  I'm going to order a few more vials and have the cryobank keep those, so if I don't need them I can sell them back, but I won't have the possibility of running out of vials influencing any decisions I might have to make.

The plan is to do the HSG my first period after I've weaned Finn, along with a TSH and an AMH, and then with the next cycle after that we'll get Day 3 labs and go from there.  I'm thinking that I'd like to try 2-3 IUIs before going on to IVF if my labs and antral follicle counts look ok, but if they're not so great, I may go straight to IVF if IUI #1 doesn't work.  Though Dr. M said I shouldn't worry about that, "I fully expect you to get pregnant on the first try.  I'll hold the threat of IVF over you to scare your body into getting pregnant."  If only it were that easy!

Dr. M thinks I should start TTC after the holidays (!!!!) but I'm not sure I'm ready to try quite that soon.  I'd really like to breastfeed Finn for a full year, especially since his immune system is doing such a great job killing off his neuroblastoma, and - while I realize I'm not getting any younger - I'm not sure if starting in January vs starting in May will make that big of a difference.  We talked about TTC while still breastfeeding, but Dr. M thinks that prolactin from breastfeeding may keep Femara from being effective at stimulating follicle growth.

Of course, there's always the chance that Finn might wean himself before then - both of my sister's boys did - and if that happens, then I might move the calendar up some.   He's such a boob boy, though, I don't see that happening!

It's hard to imagine having another.  The thought is a little scary, but I know it's the right thing for me and Finn.  This time last year I was pregnant.  It's crazy to think that there's a chance that this time next year I could be pregnant again.

Finding Normal

Showing off his battle scars

I woke up at 3am Friday morning, full of the dread that usually hits me in the middle of the night.  Dread and worry for Finn.  Then I realized - his tumor is shrinking.  And the relief I felt then was pretty similar to what I felt when Dr. B told me the news the first time.  Every second of every day since August 12 has been overshadowed by cancer - it was like there was this big, huge, suffocating blanket wrapped around me, muffling the outside world and taking the color out of everything, making it all grey.  I smiled, I laughed, I had fun with Finn, but it was never without the thought of what his cancer was doing.  My house was a mess.  I ate fast food almost every day because the thought of cooking was too much to even consider.  It was hard to find the energy to email friends, or to comment on blogs, and just about impossible for me to call people, even good friends, who'd called to offer their support.  And when I did talk on the phone I'm sure I was a horrible conversationalist.  At times I just couldn't get the words out - I just didn't have the energy.

I'm pretty sure most people understand, though there are a few friends who never called, or called me once and haven't reached out since, friends I would have thought would have made more of an effort.  But I'm sure that some didn't want to be a bother, and others didn't realize that I wasn't calling them back because I didn't want to hear from them, but rather because I just didn't have it in me to call them back.  And I'm sure that one or two didn't call just because they didn't know what to say.  We've all probably been there before.

Now the suffocating blanket has been lifted.  There is color back in the world, and while I still worry, it's not the all encompassing fear that consumed me before the results from his latest MRI.  I can breathe again.  This weekend I cleaned house.  I put away the boxes that had been sitting on the dining room table - boxes I was keeping for Finn's stuff if we had to go back to the hospital.  I transferred outgrown clothes to storage bins, paid bills and sorted through piles of unread mail.  My house is still messy, but it's now manageable.

This week I'm hoping to catch up on my emails (which sadly might take me more than a week to get caught up on - I've gotten some wonderful emails over the past few months!), post more on my favorite discussion board and get all the way caught up on my blog commenting (I've been reading, but not commenting).  I might even make a list of post ideas that have popped into my head the past few months.

By the time November gets here, it's possible I'll finally start to feel like the normal mom of a healthy 5 month old.

Wonderful News!

We just got home from our post-MRI appointment with the pediatric oncologist, and the news is good!  I was hoping to at least see the tumor was stable, but instead the MRI showed that it has shrunk - a LOT.  At the last MRI (after surgery) the tumor measured 2.4 x 2.3 x 1.4 cm, and today it measures 2.2 x 1.1 x 0.6 cm, a decrease in volume of 80%!  Words cannot describe the sense of relief I felt when the oncologist told me the good news.  Every second of every day, even when I wasn't thinking about, I was still thinking about it.

Finn did so well with anesthesia - when I went back to get him in recovery he was sitting up, flirting with the nurses, and now he's happily playing next to me on the floor.  And I'm taking a deep breath for the first time in 2 months.

The plan is to repeat his MRI in 3 months, and we'll probably continue to do regular MRIs for a while, along with abdominal ultrasounds and urine tests, just to be sure we're not missing anything.  But we can handle that.  After all Finn has already been through, another MRI is easy.

Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers, and for the words of support via comments and emails.  I don't know how I would have made it through the past few months without you all.