He Looks Just Like You - #MicroblogMondays

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"He looks so much like you!"

I'm used to hearing that about Finn, so one of my concerns when considering donor eggs for baby #2 was that he would look nothing like either of us.  What would that do to his psyche, his sense of belonging I wondered? I also dreaded the conversations with people: "He doesn't look like you, does he look like his dad?" And yet, I wanted another baby, and I knew donor eggs were my best bet. So I went with a donor I liked, and was told by the coordinator that she looked like she could be my sister.

And still, I was not prepared to hear what I've heard over and over again the past few weeks.  "Wow, he looks MORE like you than Finn does!"

I was also not really prepared for the fact that it doesn't really matter. At least not to me.  I see his little face light up when I walk in the room, and what that face looks like doesn't matter.  All that matters is that I love him so much my heart just about bursts with it.

(Though I have to admit, it does make me happy that I'll never have to worry about him feeling like he doesn't really look like he's part of the family.)

One Year Together

One year ago today, this little ball of cells came into my life, and changed it for the better.

Today, that little ball of cells is three and half months old, wearing 6 month sized clothes, full of smiles and happiest when he's in the center of the action.  Our family is better and stronger because he's here, and I look at him and wonder how I could have ever worried about using an egg donor to conceive him.

I don't even think about his genetic origins often, usually only when someone mentions they think he looks like me, or when I wonder what he's going to look like or be like as he gets older.  Not that knowing where a person gets their genes from tells you those things, it just tends to be around then that I think about the fact that he's not from my egg, that he and Finn are technically only half brothers.

Watching the bond between the two of them develop, it's clear there's nothing "half" about their relationship.  Zachary watches Finn whenever he's in the room, and Finn can't keep from touching Zachary whenever he's close by.  I was blowing raspberries on Zachary's tummy earlier today and Finn said, "Hey, what are you doing to my baby?"  Yes, he's a little possessive.

My bond with Zachary has been different from my bond with Finn.  It took longer to develop when I was pregnant, and now that he's here, the simple fact is, Finn takes up a lot of my attention. He's walking, talking, being silly and misbehaving, while (until the past few weeks) Zachary has just been a noisy observer.

As Zachary becomes more and more interactive, I find myself really enjoying spending time with him, making him laugh and watching as he grows and changes every day.  I've loved him from the second he came into my life on May 26, 2013, but now I've found that I've fallen in love with him.

My cup runneth over.

The Home Stretch

This pregnancy has felt like it's lasted forever.  I joked at work last week that everyone in the office might think that I've only been pregnant for 9 months, but in reality, I've been pregnant for 2 years. And it really does feel that way.  It's been hard to believe there's ever going to be an end in sight.  Except that delivery is now less than two weeks away.  My last day of work is a week from tomorrow.  In one week, I'll be on maternity leave.

I have been so focused on all that I've had going on this pregnancy that I've not really focused on the baby that's growing in me.  That's not to say that I haven't reveled in the fact that he's so active (he moves 3-4 times more than Finn ever did on a pretty constant basis) or not spent a lot of time rubbing my belly. No, I've definitely enjoyed those parts of pregnancy.  But what I haven't done is spent much time really thinking about what this baby is going to be like, and what life is going to be like with two.

Last week I finally got around to getting some books for Finn about a new baby in the house, and those books are what I thought about when I woke up in the middle of the night last night with my regularly scheduled pregnancy insomnia.  And it occurred to me that in less than two weeks I'll be awake in the middle of the night again, but this time because there's a baby that needs to be fed.

And that's when it finally seemed real. We're about to become a family of three.  And I'm so excited and nervous and thankful all at the same time.  And a little overwhelmed, too.

I have no idea what Chimi is going to be like.  I know as an occupant of my uterus, he's very opinionated, and will let me know if I'm in a position he doesn't like.  He gets the hiccups quite frequently, likes it when I have dark chocolate, and loves to ram his butt into my rib cage (when he isn't trying to wedge a foot between it and my liver, that is).  But unlike when I was pregnant with Finn, I really have no sense of what his personality will be like once he's born.  At first that bothered me, but now I'm looking forward to getting to know this new little boy.

A new perspective about having a child conceived from donor eggs hit me a few weeks ago, and I've worried much less about that since then, too.  I've spent a lot of time worrying about how he'll feel when he's 10 or 20, knowing he's not genetically related to me.  But until recently, I hadn't thought about how he'd feel it when he's 6 months, or 2 years, or 3 years old.  Because of course, at that age he won't understand.  Which means that he won't care.  For the formative years of his young life, all he'll know is that I'm his mommy and that I love him unconditionally, with all of my heart.  And once he is old enough to understand what it means to have come from donor eggs, I hope that the foundation of security in his place in my heart and our family will be so strong that it will never be something that makes him feel sad or angry.  I know that the closer delivery comes, the less important the details of his conception have become to me.  He's my son, and that's all that really matters.  I really hope that he truly understands that, and never questions his place in my heart.


Holy shit.  Ten days from now, I'll have two kids!

2013 - A Year in Transit

It feels like all of 2013 has been a year in transit. Not transition, but actually transit, as almost everything I've done has been working towards something, rather than actually getting somewhere. And it's been a ridiculously long year as I'm pretty sure this pregnancy has lasted at least 18 months already.  When I look back, I can't believe how much has been crammed into one year.  I don't know that I can say 2013 has been a good year, but I've been very blessed this year, and I'm hopeful that everything that's happened this year is setting things up for an amazing 2014.

While awake in the middle of the night with some fun pregnancy insomnia a few nights ago, I made a mental list of all the big things that have happened this year, and I think I need to write them down here so I can remember what a crazy year this has been.

• Learned my last attempt at IUI hadn't worked, despite lots of supplements and dietary changes to promote fertility
• Decided to skip IVF with my OE due to low chance of it working, and made the decision to go with donor eggs
• Struggled with learning how to parent my two year old - it's still a challenge, but I feel like I've finally figured out a few things that work well with us, and am better able to avoid some of the meltdowns and fights that were so rough earlier in the year
• Said good-bye to my sweet Vagus on the same day that a sperm met an egg and became my Chimichanga
• Took lots of hormones to prepare for embryo transfer and was thrilled to get a BFP!
• Endured a miserable first trimester with bone deep fatigue and crippling nausea that felt like it would never end
• Was disappointed to learn that my second baby was going to be another boy, and then suddenly found myself having a hard time imagining life any other way, and feeling so happy and excited to be welcoming another boy into the family
• Studied long hours to recertify in endocrinology and then waited months before learning that I'd lucked out and managed to pass
• Decided that boards, a two year old, and pregnancy weren't enough to occupy me for the second half of the year, and signed a contract to build a house
• Today, the last day of the year, I officially closed on my new house!

For years I've dreamed of being the mom to two kids in a warm and inviting house in a nice little neighborhood.  I can't believe that as of next Friday I'll be in that house, and just 4 weeks later I'll be welcoming my second child into the world.  I know that there are going to be some really hard days ahead, and that 8 weeks from now I might be a frazzled, sleep deprived, sobbing mess with unwashed hair and two screaming children.  But even then, I'll be a contented, frazzled, sobbing mess. At least I hope I will be. I hope I can remember how much I've longed for this life, and I hope I can be patient with myself as a mom and a person as I learn to parent two children as a single mom.  

Wishing all of you a wonderful 2014, with love, happiness, fertility and children who sleep through the night.  

Terrible Twos

I must have all my toys in the pool!

This is a terrible age.  And it's a wonderful age.  Sometimes in the same 5 minute span. 

Friday morning was a rough morning of epic proportions.  Finn woke up before 6am (we don't have to get up until 6:45).  "Good morning, Mommy!" For a few minutes he was content to play a game on my phone, but then, "I have to poopy, Mommy!" So up we went.  He sat on the toilet and while he did pee, there was no poop.  He then ran around naked for a little bit, but then came in to my room with his shorts and wanted to get dressed.  I had an idea.  "Why don't you put on underwear, instead?"  So he went to his room, got his underwear and managed to put it on himself.  (As an aside, I had no idea how exhausting it was to be with a child who wants to do EVERYTHING HIMSELF.  Even the things he can't possibly do.  EVERYTHING.) The epic struggle to put on his underwear with no help from mommy ended with a triumphant, "I did it!" a huge hug and kiss for me.

With a reminder that if he needed to poop, he should let me know so he could go on the potty, I got in the shower.  I got out of the shower to find my powdered eyeshadow all over the counter (and on Finn).  While I cleaned this up, I let him out on the porch off my bedroom to play.  I was putting on my makeup when he came running in, "I have to go poo!" I started to take off his underwear, and then got suspicous, reached out and felt his butt...yep.  There was poo. 

Have you ever tried to take underwear full of poo off a two year old?  It never ends well.  I got the underwear halfway down his legs and - plop - the whole big pile of poo fell onto the floor (conveniently on top of his pajama bottoms).  After I'd flushed that and wiped the poop off my arm and his legs, I sent him back out on the porch, with a strict warning to come back in if he felt like he needed to potty again.

But I quickly grew suspicious (running theme these days), and stuck my head out the door to find him peeing on the floor.  At least it was outside and I was able to clean it easily.  But that won him a fresh diaper and the end of running around naked.

In what I am sure was an act of defiance, he managed to open the bathroom closet door and get out some of his lotion.  Which he covered himself in - but only after dumping out half the contents of  a bottle of hand sanitizer all over the floor. 

At this point it was almost 8am.  Nanny M walked in the door as I was carrying him and his dirty laundry down the stairs.  I've never been so relieved to be able to hand him over to her as I was on Friday morning! 

Of course, he stood at the door and waved, yelling "I love you!" and "Bye-bye!  See you later!" and "Peace out!" while blowing kisses as I drove away. 


******

I'm still feeling pretty crappy.  Usually it's just a constant low grade nausea, but there's waves of much more intense nausea that hit at random times and just about knock me over.  I'm not a thrower-upper, so I've managed to avoid that so far, but I've come pretty close.  What really worries me is that I'm only 8 weeks tomorrow, so there's still a chance it could get worse.  I am lucky that while this nausea is a lot worse than it was with Finn, it's not debilitating, so while I'm not feeling up to doing much of anything, especially in the heat, at least I'm not lying on the floor unable to move for fear of throwing up. 

I've also been having a lot of spotting.  It's been pretty constant this entire pregnancy, but usually just pink or brown. Today it was more a dark red - still spotting, mainly on my Crinone (I know, gross) and not when I wipe.  Spotting can happen in normal pregnancies, but it's impossible not to worry about it, especially since there was a definite change today.  My next ultrasound is Friday and I'm trying hard not to feel anxious about it.  The second ultrasound seems to be the magic scan - if all is well with the second scan, then all will be well with the pregnancy.  (I know that's not completely true, but it does make me feel better.) 

I have also worried about how I'll feel about this baby compared to Finn.  Will I love him/her as much as I do Finn?  Will I feel sad that he/she doesn't share my genetics?  I've read before that your heart expands with each child, that your capacity to love grows as each new child is added to the family.  I'm starting to see that's true - the fear I feel when I think of losing this pregnancy is much more than the fear of having to do all this again, it's the fear of losing this little baby - this Chimichanga - that I've already come to love so much. 

Beta #3

This is a bad idea...

I was overwhelmed by the responses to my post the other night - I felt so awful for losing my temper and popping Finn.  Everyone's empathy (and suggestions for other things to try) made me feel so much better.  Last night was another difficult night - Finn started kicking me when I told him it was time to get ready for bed (he was lying on the floor).  When I told him to stop he hit me, so I got up and walked away.  And it didn't phase him at all.  Then a little while later he was bringing me a book he wanted to read, and threw it towards me.  It didn't hit me, so he picked it up again and acted like he was about to throw it.  I told him not to throw it at me, but he did, and it hit me on my knee.  It didn't hurt, but it could have, so I was going to scold him (which never really works).  Then I had another idea, so instead I said, "Owwww!" and wrinkled up my face and started to pretend cry.  That worked wonders.  He dissolved into tears and came over to hug me.  He had to tell me he was sorry, and then kiss my knee and then we cuddled for a few minutes until he stopped crying.  I'm going to have to try that one again!

*****

My third and final beta was yesterday - 9510!  That's at 19dp5dt, so a good, solid number.
 Every piece of good news makes me feel just a little more secure that all is well.  My ultrasound is scheduled for next Friday morning, when I'll be 6week and 3 days.  I found out from RBA that I'll get a total of 3 ultrasounds, at 6, 8 and 10 weeks before I'm released to my OB.  I wasn't really expecting that, but am so excited that I'll have that many chances to make sure everything is ok during the time in pregnancy that I worry the most.

Second Beta!

The nurse who called me back for my labs this morning was the same one who left me the message on Wednesday that I was going to get good news.  "I wasn't supposed to call you, but I was just so excited I had to!" she said as she gave me a huge hug.  Then another one of the nurses passed by and Libby called out to her, "Shannon has good news!" and so I got another squee and another huge hug.

I didn't have to wait as long for my results this time; just after lunch I heard from RBA, my beta has almost doubled from 251 to 495.9.  That's close enough to doubling for me!  I've got another beta next Friday, and I guess I'll get an ultrasound the week after that. 

I'm a lot less worried about this pregnancy than I was with Finn's, but I'm still feeling pretty cautious.  I didn't realize how cautious until I was talking to my mom about my plans to move next year, and she told me she thought I should wait to move.  "But if I have another baby, there just won't be any room at all."  I didn't realize I'd said "if" until my mom corrected me, "You mean, when you have another baby." I don't think I'm going to fully believe it until my ultrasound.  It's not that I'm worried something bad is going to happen, but that somehow there's been a mistake, and I'm not really pregnant.  Absurd, I know!  But I feel like I'm such a faker, that I'm not really pregnant, and we're soon going to discover that my labs and HPTs were mixed up with someone else's.

Though my heartburn is starting to make me believe that it might really be true.

Beta Results!

I did not POAS this morning, but I did for three mornings in a row, and saw darker lines each day.  I've wanted to post a picture like this one for over a year, and for awhile was worried I'd never get the chance.  But now, here it is, my three HPTs!

I went to my RE's office to have my beta drawn this morning, and at around 11am, I got a message from Libby, his nurse, "Hi Shannon!  I just wanted to let you know that I've got your lab results and I'm faxing them right now.  I'm not allowed to tell you anything, but I just had to tell you that it's good news!"  Then about 45 minutes later, my RE called himself.  He said he knew he wasn't the one to give me the news, but he just wanted to call and tell me congratulations himself.  I told him that I attributed his superior technique when performing my scratch biopsy last month to the success with this cycle.  And I forgot to ask him the actual results.

In the meantime, I'd posted to my FB SMC group about the RE's nurse calling me.  About the time Dr. M called me, I checked FB again, and saw a message from one of the SMCs in my group, asking if I'd meant to post that story to everyone on FB.  Because somehow I did.  Ooops.  Of course, I couldn't figure out how to erase it on my phone, so in a panic I called Jennie and got her to sign into my FB and erase it for me.  Of the 4 people who commented, two were SMCs, one was a friend who I know reads my blog and already knew the news, and the other was my doula.  Seven people liked my status, and I have no idea who those were, as it wouldn't show up once I'd erased it.  Seriously, I am not pregnant enough to have pregnancy brain yet!

Finally I heard from RBA - my beta is a respectable 251!  It was higher with Finn at a comparable day, but my betas were pretty high that time (and crazily, the lines on my HPT were much lighter - the darkest I got was lighter than my first HPT this pregnancy).

Over and over again over the past few years I've read blogs where the authors are pregnant and write about how much less worried they are about their second pregnancy, and how it doesn't consume their every waking thought.  I couldn't imagine that.  I really thought that because my first pregnancy ended in a loss, and this is really my third pregnancy, that I'd still be worried constantly.  And I do have some fears, of course, but I was able to forget multiple times today that I was waiting on my beta.  When I got my results I was happy, but not shaking with relief like I was almost 3 years ago when I got my first beta results with my second pregnancy.  But I don't forget I'm pregnant.  Not for a second.  That hasn't changed at all. It's a wonderful secret that I carry around with me every minute of the day. And it still seems a little surreal.  I'm pregnant.  Again.  I can hardly believe it.

Next beta is on Friday.  I'm not sure if I'll have to do another one on Monday, or if they'll be happy with just two before an ultrasound in about two weeks. I hope the two weeks past quickly! 

7dp5dt

Finn woke up early this morning, complaining that his finger hurt. He'd stuck his finger into a bowl of very hot grits yesterday morning, but hadn't complained about it after the initial crying until this morning.  After I got him some "medicine" for his finger, I gave in to my full bladder and POAS...well, in a cup, as I hate POAS.

As soon as I'd gotten the stick dipped in the pee, Finn yelled out that he had to poop.  I tried to put him off long enough to see if anything showed up, but when you're 2 and you've got to poop, there is no putting it off.  I tried to sneak a peak while I was getting his pants and diaper off, and again when I was putting him on the toilet, but it wasn't until he was safely seated (and pooping) that I was able to look at the pregnancy test.

And this is what I saw:

OMG!  It worked!  I'm pregnant!

And now to wait for my beta on Wednesday...and then of course the wait to the ultrasound...and then the wait to the next ultrasound...  Yep, lots of waiting ahead!  But I'm going to try hard not to let the waiting - and inevitable worry that comes along with it - do anything to ruin my enjoyment of this pregnancy.  

And hope that Finn doesn't remember that his finger hurts.

5dp5dt

I'm more than halfway through my two week wait (that isn't really a full 2 weeks, thank goodness), and it's amazing how many different emotions I've been able to go through in just 5 days.  Two days ago I had mild lower pelvic cramping all day, and then had the tiniest bit of pink spotting - implantation symptoms!?  And then yesterday I felt nothing, and thought maybe I was wrong.  Then today I've felt lower pelvic cramping - almost like PMS - all day long.  This morning I was sure it was early pregnancy symptoms.  Then tonight I saw some more pink and light brown spotting in my Crinone, and decided that maybe it really is PMS.

It's really hard not to compare this cycle to prior cycles - the IUI cycle with Finn I had some PMS like cramping from 10dpo (which is basically the same point I'm at today), but no spotting.  But I was only on every other night Crinone, not twice a day Crinone, and most of my progesterone was coming from my own body, not a supplementation.  So there's just no way to be able to compare.

I had spotting before my period started with several of my failed IUIs last fall, but that spotting was dark red and dark brown.  But it was still spotting, so I can't help but think that this spotting tonight means my cycle is over, and I'll be heading back to Atlanta next month to transfer my other high quality embryo.

But I'm still hopeful.

Oh the two week wait is such a mind fuck.

My beta is scheduled for Wednesday, but of course I'll be testing early.  I've decided to POAS on Sunday morning.  If I don't get my period before then.

Transfer Done!

Finn and I have had the most wonderful weekend.  We weren't alone in Atlanta - we had 6 other SMCs and their children here to keep us company.  A few years ago a group of us met online, and have stayed in contact, giving each other support and encouragement.  Three of us have been to RBA already to get our babies, and then there are 3 of us (out of 17 total) who are in the process of donor eggs at RBA, and we all have our transfer dates within 2 weeks of each other.  This seemed like the perfect excuse to finally meet as a group; while we missed the other 10, we had a wonderful time! It was especially fun seeing all our children interact, and I'm really looking forward to seeing them all together in another 2-3 years.

My transfer this morning was at 9am.  My doctor wasn't on call today, but since he's the doctor for the entire Single Sister Sextuplet, he decided he'd come in on his day off and do my transfer.  S and her 6 month old son B (an RBA baby) came with us, while another of the moms watched Finn.  It was great having them there to keep me distracted from both my nerves and my full bladder!

Back in the transfer room, I changed out of my pants and flip flops and into my lucky socks. The tech confirmed that my bladder was appropriately full and then the embryologist opened the door to the sounds of Abba coming in from the lab, which made me giggle.  I was shown the beautiful picture of the embryo they were about to transfer and then given the full report: of the 5 eggs that fertilized, I have 2 Grade A, fully expanded blastocysts, 1 early blastocyst, 1 morula, and one that arrested after fertilization.  We transfered one of the blastocysts and froze the other, while the other two are being watched and will be frozen if they continue developing.  I'm scheduled for a serum beta on 6/5 - less than two weeks away!

Lucky socks

The transfer itself was a lot like an IUI, except less crampy feelings during and after.  And instead of 20 minutes on the table listening to soft music, I was up and getting dressed after 5 minutes.  I was told I don't need to do strict bedrest, but should take it easy, and avoid "repetitive heavy lifting."  For the first few hours I walked around on eggshells, but after the 20th time my 30 pound toddler wanted to be picked up, I gave up.  Dr. S did tell me that in his opinion I could probably "sky dive into a tank of sharks" the day of transfer and it wouldn't affect my chances of getting pregnant.  He also told me that I had a cervix that looked like a teenager's.  I might have blushed at that.

I'm finding it a little hard to really wrap my mind around the fact that I might be pregnant.  It's all been a little surreal the past few weeks, especially since there's just not much involved with preparing for just an embryo transfer.  I felt a little funny with both the Lupron and the steroids, but no major symptoms like bloating and cramping like I had with stims; it's all so low key, and almost too simple to be something that will actually result in a baby.  I am excited, though, and starting to feel optimistic that this might just work.

**********

We all went to brunch as a group before the of us had to leave, and then a couple of us headed back to my room for a little quiet time. We were joined by a former blogger who came and brought her adorable 17 month old son for a short visit - oh he was so cute!  It was lovely to finally meet her, though I wish we could have had a longer visit.

Before transfer day we had all had fun at the aquarium (which I do NOT recommend to anyone on a holiday weekend, ever.  Ever.) the zoo, on a picnic and just hanging out.  This is my (second) favorite picture from this weekend - we were in the room watching the huge tank and had decided to walk back up to the top of the viewing area from our spot right in front of the glass.  Then Finn decided he wanted to go back down to the glass.  He got down there, went up to the glass where the giant fish he'd been "talking" to earlier was, leaned in, kissed the glass, said "Love you, see you later!" and then headed back up the stairs.
 

Fertilization Report

First off, thank you for all the kind words and sympathy on my post from yesterday.  I still can't quite believe that he's really gone.  This morning we walked downstairs and Finn looked around and said, "Where did Vagus go?"

I thought I had gotten most of my crying out, but I cried again most of my drive to work.  I got myself together when I pulled in the parking lot, and decided to take a few more minutes to regain my composure by gathering up some of the trash that's accumulated in my car the past week.  So I had my hands full with my bag, paper towels and a couple of diet Coke cans as I walked up to my building, and my phone started to ring.  I knew it was RBA, so I dropped everything onto the ground so I could get to my phone - buried in my purse.

When I answered the phone, a pleasant woman with the tone of someone who was about to deliver bad news said, "Hi Shannon, how are you this morning?"  My heart sunk at the sound of her voice, but luckily she didn't make me wait long.  "I have your fertilization report.  There were six eggs.  Five survived the thaw, and all five fertilized!"

This was fabulous news!  I'm guaranteed two high quality embryos, but of course I'd prefer to not have to go through this several times.  Five fertilized eggs increases the chance that there will be at least one or two in there that grow normally and can develop into a healthy baby.

Holy cow.  There is a really good chance that my daughter or son is in a petri dish in Atlanta right now.

We leave tomorrow morning, and I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow afternoon.  I'll get an update on the embryos tomorrow, and I should find out on Friday morning if my transfer is Friday or Sunday (better quality embryos get a 5 day transfer, while the iffier ones get a 3 day).

I'm a little nervous about the drive with Finn tomorrow - we've got a loaded iPad, lots of musical instrument toys, some books and the novelty of being forward facing in his car seat.  Wish us luck!

Last Lupron shot today!

 

Endings and Beginnings

 I said goodbye to Vagus tonight.

By Monday afternoon it was obvious he was getting worse, so I called and made an appointment with the vet.  Vagus was unsteady on his feet, had trouble sitting down or standing up, and was barely eating or drinking anything.  For the first time in his life with me, he didn't sleep on my bed Sunday or Monday night, though he did find a way to make it up the stairs (when I thought he'd be more comfortable downstairs) to sleep on the floor in my room.  Last night he jumped up on the couch to sit in my lap, but didn't purr or lean into my hand as I rubbed his head.

So I was pretty sure when I went into the vet tonight that it was to say goodbye.  Luckily LB was able to come with us, and it helped so much having her there by my side.  The vet looked at him, talked to me, and agreed that now was time.  They gave him a shot in his leg to sedate him, and he drifted off to sleep.  I snuggled and cuddled him,  and told him how much I loved him.  About 10 minutes later they came back in - Vagus was completely sedated, and just barely breathing.  As he was no longer really there any more, I thought it was ok to leave, so I kissed his head one more time and we left.

Finn had kissed his head before we left, and didn't seem surprised when we got home without Vagus, but was clearly upset and sad.  He held on to me and wouldn't let me put him down, and at one point said something about Vagus having a boo-boo.  While we were rocking in his room at bedtime, Zaphira walked in and sneezed a couple of times.  Finn said up and shouted, "Vagus!" as Vagus was a champion sneezer.  He smiled when he realized it was Zaphira and not Vagus...but I'm pretty sure he's going to be looking for Vagus for a while.

Hugging Vagus last night

I'm so sad. So very sad.  And also relieved that it was clearly the right thing to do, and thankful he let me know when it was time.  I'm really going to miss him.

*******

But today was also a day for beginnings.  My donor eggs were thawed today, and fertilized with sperm from Finn's donor.  Right now, in a lab in Atlanta, my embryos are growing and dividing.  I'll get the fertilization report tomorrow, hoping and praying that my baby is one of them.

I've been singing "The Circle of Life" all day today.

A Date with Wanda

Picnic Weather is here!

I had my one and only monitoring appointment this morning at my local RE's office.  It's really weird, only going in once in a cycle.  It's really weird not going down for lab work, and just getting an ultrasound.  And it's really weird not feeling tons of anxiety about the state of my ovaries and follicles.  Weird and wonderful.  Unfortunately, today's visit still depended on Wanda (aka the dildocam).

I was a little worried about what we'd see with my uterine lining.  I've been taking Lupron for weeks, and have been on a gradually increasing dose of estrogen patches for about 14 days or so.  It's hard to really believe that some patches on my stomach are going to be enough to grow a good uterine lining, but it turns out it is.  My lining looks better than my lining has ever looked on any of my own IUI cycles at 11mm.  The report was faxed off to RBA and I got the confirmation a few hours later that the eggs will be thawed and then fertilized on Tuesday!

Wow.  There's a really good chance that my second child is going to be conceived in a petri dish in Atlanta in just a few days.  I asked the RBA nurse if she could pass on the message to the embryologist to try to pick out girl sperm.  She didn't reply...but at least I got it out there. Of course, I know it doesn't work that way, and of course I would be thrilled with another boy - but it would be nice to have a little girl.  And it never hurts to ask, right?

After several months of feeling cautious in my optimism, I'm feeling really excited now.  In a little more than a week, I might finally be pregnant again!  Using donor eggs improves my chances a lot, but I know nothing is 100%, so I'm trying to remain a little cautious.  And trying to be realistic in knowing that my first transfer might not work, and I may have to rely on a frozen embryo (hoping I get at least one extra to freeze!) transfer next month.  But I think I'm going to try to let go of the feelings of caution and just enjoy being excited for the next few weeks.

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In the meantime, back at home, Finn discovered corn on the cob this week.

And rediscovered noodles.

Clearly, both were huge hits.

Kinda Sorta CD 1

Today is officially CD 1 - or as RBA calls it, DOC 1.  I started my period a week ago, and I've been in a sort of a holding pattern, with low dose Lupron and estrogen patches.  I actually stay on the same regimen for a few more days before the estrogen doses start to ramp up.

I didn't think I felt that bad with Lupron until I was able to decrease the dose last week. That first day I felt SO much better.  Nothing specific, just better energy and less moodiness.  Now at just 5 units a day, I'm feeling ok.  If all goes as plans, 3 weeks from tomorrow my donor's eggs will be thawed and fertilized!

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My offline evening with Finn was fairly easy tonight.  We finally had sunshine again after days of rain and clouds, so we went outside after dinner and played with sidewalk chalk and did a little gardening.  Just as we were going inside, a huge fire truck came down my street and stopped right in front of our house!  Three firemen came out with tools, and within seconds had water spewing out of the fire hydrant.  Finn was enthralled.  One of the firemen came over and said hi, and gave Finn a high five, and at one point the light was perfect and we saw a beautiful rainbow in the middle of the water spray.  Then the test was over, the water was turned off, and the fire truck took off to check the next neighborhood fire hydrant.  Of course, since I was trying hard not to get online, I had left my phone inside and didn't get any pictures!

Then we saw we had a few packages on the porch.  One was addressed to Finn, and he was so excited.  I was tempted to make him wait until his birthday, but he was just too excited, so I let him open it.  We opened the large padded envelope to find a present wrapped in shiny red paper.  "Ooooo!  Oh wow!" Finn was beside himself with anticipation.  This is the first time he's understood what getting a present really means, and if he continues to be this excited with every gift, this weekend is going to be so fun!

We opened up the present to find a super cool straw that spells out Finn from his Auntie Evelyn.  From the second he opened it, he refused to put it down, even to try to figure out what it's actually for.  He carried it around, sucked on it, used it to comb my hair and waved it around like a flag.  He loved the card just as much, and we had to read it 4 times as part of his bedtime routine tonight.  Oh, how I love this age!

Showing off his card and straw

Let's Get This Party Started!

I got my next round of TTC underway this morning with a bang.  First, I gave myself my first shot of Lupron.  I was sent 28g insulin syringes.  Really?  Really?  What is the deal with that?  Those things HURT!  Maybe not like progesterone in oil, but still, they hurt.  They make 32g insulin syringes - so tiny that you can barely see the needle, why the 28?  Is the thought that those of us going through IF treatments are tough?  That we feel stronger because of the pain?  Or is it because reproductive endocrinologists never prescribe insulin, and therefore realize there are better options out there?  At any rate, after confirming that there was no real reason to use such a huge needle, I brought home samples of the tiny syringes and used that this morning.  I didn't feel a thing, but Finn was very worried about my boo-boo on my tummy.  I will have to find a way to inject next time when he's not looking.

Immediately after my first shot, I got in the car and headed to my RE.  I had a little bit of a wait, and then Dr M was there to do my endometrial scratch biopsy.  They don't do them there routinely (the theory is that when you take some tissue from the endometrial lining, it stimulates various chemicals and growth factors that improve implantation the following cycle), but he's read the literature and is considering doing it for some women with unexplained IF.  He talked to me about the studies, and then talked to me about RBA and sang their praises.  He was thrilled I had chosen to go there, and knows all about their data, their egg vitrification process and agrees this was the best choice for me.  He also confirmed what I suspected, that this route was cheaper than doing the DE route with his office.

Then he did the scratch biopsy.  I'd read varying reports on what it felt like, so I was feeling pretty nervous.  He put the speculum in, cleaned it off with betadine and then said, "Ok, you'll feel a little pinch." We chatted just a bit, and then just as it started to feel uncomfortable he said, "We're done!" And that was that.  He showed me what the endometrial lining looked like (bloody snot) and we chatted for another minute or so, "I hope you'll come here to have your viability scan done when you get pregnant!" and I was on my way.

I'll be on Lupron every day for just about the next 5 weeks.  I'll stay on birth control pills until next week, then stop, wait for my period and then start estrogen patches right around the beginning of May.  My failed IUI cycle in January feels so long ago; I can't believe it's finally time for me to take medications to get this DE cycle going!

Storytime

This past week hasn't been as easy as the first with getting Finn to sleep in his own bed.  It's not been a complete bust, and I've stuck to it, but there's been a lot more crying.  There was one night last week that he cried so much when I left the room that I had to go back to give him hugs and calm him down so he would fall asleep.  He was still in a great mood the next morning; the first thing he said to me was, "Mommy work!  Then Mommy sleep!" (guess I must have said that a lot when trying to get him to go to sleep the past few weeks!) and I said, "Yes, and you went to sleep all by yourself like a big boy." His little face got really serious, "Yeah, I crying."

Most nights he still asks me to rock him to sleep, and he starts crying as soon as I put him down.  He has been awake upstairs for as long as 40 minutes before falling asleep, but it's usually a mix of talking with crying, so it's bearable for both of us. And finally, the past few nights, crying has only lasted about 10 minutes, before he's fallen asleep.

Tonight he picked out a book we haven't read in a while, Night-Night, Little Pookie, and we snuggled on his bed while we read it.  Pookie the pig and his mommy get him ready for bed.  He brushes his teeth, washes his nose, and then his mommy tucks him in with three kisses, one for his Pookie ears, one for his Pookie nose, and one for Pookie eyes that are about to close.  When we got to the eyes, Finn touched Pookie's eyes and said, "Pookie?" The next page is a good night poem that ends with "I love you and love you," and then Pookie says, "Night-night Pookie mommy."  And with that, Finn burst into tears, hard, sobbing tears.

I pulled him into my lap.  "What's wrong? Why are you crying?" "Pookie crying, too!" he sobbed.  He was crying because he thought Pookie was sad that his mommy left him to go to sleep.  Oh, how that made my heart hurt!  We had a talk that Pookie wasn't crying, he was happily going to sleep, because he knew his mommy was downstairs and would come up if he needed her.  I'm not too sure he really believed me, or if he fully understood me.  He did only cry for 5 minutes once I left the room tonight.

I see a few more books about bedtime in our future.

*******

I heard from the donor coordinator and she confirmed that the guarantee does apply to me.  The comments on my last post were so great - thank you guys.  I was feeling pretty stressed out overall, but I feel much better.  Even before I heard from the coordinator, I wasn't worried about it anywhere near as much. And I know I've picked out the best donor for me, too.  Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Donor Selection - Done!

I decided on my donor today.

After picking out a sperm donor 3 years ago, I thought this would be easy.

It was not.

When I chose my sperm donor, I first narrowed it down to donors with coloring similar to mine, then focused mainly on their profiles.  I though the childhood picture of my donor was cute but it was his profile that sold me.  When looking at donors this time, though, my primary focus was on their pictures.

This weekend, with the help of my sister and my friend Jennie, I narrowed the choices down to two, and sent in my selection.  Choice A had one picture - she was a cute little girl with blonde hair and her smile looked like mine.  Her grades were ok, she didn't have much interesting to say, but her picture was cute.  Choice B had absolutely adorable pictures, with a chin shaped like Finn's.  I liked her profile, she sounded fun - and a little stubborn.

This morning I heard from the donor coordinator, and I asked her which donor looked more like me (they have adult pictures to look at).  She said Choice A has a smile and eyes like mine, but her face shape is different, as is her nose.  Choice B was from a different site (RBA has several different donor sites), and so she'd have to contact that donor coordinator to find out about her.  In the meantime, she very sweetly reminded me that genetics are weird, and even with my own eggs, there's no guarantee that my child would look anything like me.  Which of course I know, but it would be nice if people could look at us and know we were related, especially since Finn looks so  much like me.

I'd pretty much decided on Choice A when I got another email from my coordinator.  She'd talked with the other coordinator, who said that there was some resemblance between me and Donor B, but when she looked at my adult picture, she immediately thought of Donor C.

So of course I immediately logged in to the donor bank (at work) and looked her up.  Her pictures were cute, but I didn't feel that instant connection that I did with the other two donors.  And then I read her profile. I loved it. I love what she said about why she decided to be a donor, and what she'd like the potential recipients to know.  I loved that reading was her favorite activity as a child and that The Boxcar Children were her favorite books.  I love that reading is still one of her favorite activities, and how she describes herself as compassionate, honest, sensible and loving.

That's when I realized that all I knew about Donor A was that she had decent grades and wanted to go on a cruise to the Caribbean.  And I ruled her out, from first place to last, right then, in between seeing patients.  I looked at Donor B's profile again, and I really liked it, too.  She likes to scuba dive and watch movies, she liked silly books as a child, and she describes herself as independent and resourceful.

I looked at their vital states.  Donor B is 5'3 and 150 pounds.  Donor C is 5'7 and 115 pounds.  (While I'm 5'4, and just about 150 pounds.)  They were both proven donors.

I was torn.  I texted Jennie, and luckily she was free to look with me.  She liked Donor C, too, but also liked Donors A and B.  So I thought more about their vital stats.  And I reread their profiles.  And I agonized some more.  Jennie chimed in and told me I should go with Donor C. She really liked her profile, too.

And so, I decided on Donor C.  I didn't feel a connection with her picture at first, but she is adorable.  She's taller and thinner (which, less face it, is a big deal).  The donor coordinator thinks she looks like me.  She loves to read.  I took a deep breath and made it official; I faxed in my donor confirmation forms before lunch.

And now I'm having a little bit of buyer's remorse.  Did I make the right decision?  Most people fall in love (or sleep around) as their way of choosing 50% of their child's genetic make-up.  I'd already bucked that trend by throwing a party to help me choose that first 50%, and now I'm responsible for choosing the other 50%, too.  I hope I made the right choice!  I think I did, but would one of the other two have been better?  What if I don't get pregnant?  What will I do then?

I keep looking at her pictures, and they're really growing on me. I can see myself in her face, and I can see Finn, too.  And I keep reminding myself of the advice I got when I was looking at donor sperm, and that I now share with others: "You will love any child you get, no matter who the donors are."  I know that's true.  And I think that my child will someday appreciate that I decided on her (or his) donor because of who she is, and not just what she looks like.

Now I just have to arrange to get my last two vials of Finn's donor shipped to Atlanta, and then I'm all ready for May!  Holy cow, I can't believe I'm really going to do this.

Answers to Questions

I've had a few questions in the comments of my recent posts that I thought about answering in the comment section, but then decided they deserved a blog post of their own.  So here they are!

Have you considered adoption?
Absolutely. I always thought I'd adopt, and never considered that I would try to get pregnant twice, much less try to get pregnant with donor egg and donor sperm.  But the reality is that is it HARD to adopt, especially as a single woman who already has one child.  It might be possible, but it would likely take me years and probably cost a bunch more than a DE cycle would.  Foster to adopt is a lot less expensive, of course, but that's not an easy way, either, and I'm just not willing to bring a child into my home and into Finn's life if there's a chance that he or she wouldn't become a permanent part of our family.  And so while I considered it, adoption just isn't right for me.

When are you planning to do your DE cycle?
I'm really excited to get going and would love to start meds next month if I could.  But since I have to travel to Atlanta for the transfer, it makes more sense to aim for a time when work isn't as busy.  Ok, so work is never not busy, but my schedule 4 months out isn't heavily booked yet.  I decided I'd try to have my transfer at the end of May (over Memorial Day weekend) and I've blocked my work schedule for the Friday before and the Tuesday after the long weekend.  Of course, there's always the chance that my lining might not cooperate and I'll have to have it done over another weekend, but I'm planning the best I possibly can!

Are you really sure you're ready to give up on your own eggs?
This is a pretty valid question.  And the quick answer is yes, I'm sure.

I don't really see it as giving up on anything - instead I see it as a chance to finally complete my family.  For the few months before my last IUI I took a lot of supplements (I still have a post about that in my drafts folder that I really need to finish), I followed a very healthy, low carb diet, limited caffeine, had no alcohol, got plenty of sleep and did all the things I possibly could to improve my egg quality. Now that I'm moving on to donor eggs, I'm actually relieved to be able to have a Diet Coke or a glass of wine with dinner without guilt, and eat a doughnut without wondering if I'm sacrificing my chance at having another baby. While I know the donor egg might not work the first time around, or at all, I feel such a sense of relief knowing that I've chosen a path that is much more likely to give me another child.  I completely understand that this is not the choice everyone would make, or that other women might make this choice only after making a lot more efforts with their own eggs first.  And that's ok.  Because this is the right choice for me and for Finn. The further into the process I get, the more sure I am.  That's a pretty great feeling.  This whole trying to conceive thing is hard enough as it is, without adding a bunch of self doubt on top of it.

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Finn had his first ever real haircut today.  He decided to be shy and didn't want to sit in the chair by himself, but he was fine sitting in my lap while the lovely Iesha cut his hair (while we talked about her struggles with PCOS and IF, if you can believe it).  Nanny M has cut his bangs a few times, but his hair is long and fine and just a mess.  Well, it WAS a mess.  Now it's still a little long, but with a few layers making his curls stand out more, and a nice shape to his bangs.  He likes it, too, he kept running his hands through his hair after it was cut. We celebrated at a (new to me) amazingly good Mexican restaurant before naptime where I was sorely tempted by their margarita menu, but I did need to drive us home. Darn it.

Prehaircut

Prehaircut 

Post haircut

His "say cheese" face (which is why I never tell him to say cheese!)

Yes, those are black beans on his face.

Psych Consult

I had my psych consult today - a required part of the donor egg (DE) process by my new clinic.  I know some clinics require anyone using donor sperm (DS) to have a psych consult first, but my clinic didn't, so this was a new experience for me.

The appointment got off to an interesting start. The doctor's receptionist came to get me, and brought me back to a conference room.  "This test is going to take about an hour and a half to two hours to take..."  Me: "Test, I thought I was meeting with the doctor?" Her: "No, this is where you take the personality test.  If today doesn't work, you can come back and do it tomorrow." Me: "Are you sure?  I really thought I was meeting with the doctor today." Her: "Maybe I have the wrong patient...aren't you here to be evaluated to be a donor?"

At 41, it's awfully flattering that she thought I was a potential donor, instead of a recipient! If only my eggs looked as young as I apparently do.

I ended up talking with Dr. G for about an hour.  She asked me some questions about myself, and about how I'm handling being a single mom, how I handle stress, what sort of support I have, if I have a will...nice, easy conversation.  Then she asked me about what I'm planning on telling my children, which of course is full disclosure.  She had some amazingly great suggestions for telling - in a way that I had never before considered.  I've told Finn his story several times lately, just to get a feel for it. He has no interest, of course, but since it's something I want him to always know, I thought this was a good idea.

She suggested being even more low key about it - if I don't make a big deal out of it, he won't, either.  (She gave her suggestions based on telling about donor eggs, but it can work with donor sperm, too. ) Starting at around age 3, she suggested mentioning how, "When a mommy wants to have a baby, she needs to make sure she has plenty of eggs." And then later, as the child gets older, "When mommy decided to have another baby, she realized she was out of eggs.  But she wasn't worried, she went to see a doctor who had plenty of eggs that other people had donated."  She then made a suggestion that had never before crossed my mind: to avoid humanizing the donors as much as possible.  Use the term donor (which I already do) and to not refer to the donor with anything like, "a really nice person" - which is exactly what I'd been wanting to do.  Her reasoning makes sense - these people won't play any role in my children's life except for donating some cells.  If they only think of them as just "donors" at an early age, they'll be less likely to want to know more about them, to want to have a relationship with them later, or to feel as though something is missing because they don't know their donors.  Later, when my kids are older, she said it's ok to acknowledge that they were likely very nice people, but to make it clear that they were also probably getting paid to donate, as well.

She further recommended that I make sure they understand what donating means, by including them in donations of clothes and household goods to Goodwill (donating objects that we don't need to an agency that distributes them to those who do need them), or to blood donation.  All of these make perfect sense to me, and feel much more natural than what I had been trying to do.  The session was worth it, just for that.

I am now almost completely done with my requirements for RBA.  I have to get my consents signed and notarized, and a couple more labs from my OB/Gyn forwarded to them, and then I'll be ready to choose a donor.  It's just 3 weeks since I decided to go this route, I can't believe it's all moved so fast!