Endings and Beginnings

 I said goodbye to Vagus tonight.

By Monday afternoon it was obvious he was getting worse, so I called and made an appointment with the vet.  Vagus was unsteady on his feet, had trouble sitting down or standing up, and was barely eating or drinking anything.  For the first time in his life with me, he didn't sleep on my bed Sunday or Monday night, though he did find a way to make it up the stairs (when I thought he'd be more comfortable downstairs) to sleep on the floor in my room.  Last night he jumped up on the couch to sit in my lap, but didn't purr or lean into my hand as I rubbed his head.

So I was pretty sure when I went into the vet tonight that it was to say goodbye.  Luckily LB was able to come with us, and it helped so much having her there by my side.  The vet looked at him, talked to me, and agreed that now was time.  They gave him a shot in his leg to sedate him, and he drifted off to sleep.  I snuggled and cuddled him,  and told him how much I loved him.  About 10 minutes later they came back in - Vagus was completely sedated, and just barely breathing.  As he was no longer really there any more, I thought it was ok to leave, so I kissed his head one more time and we left.

Finn had kissed his head before we left, and didn't seem surprised when we got home without Vagus, but was clearly upset and sad.  He held on to me and wouldn't let me put him down, and at one point said something about Vagus having a boo-boo.  While we were rocking in his room at bedtime, Zaphira walked in and sneezed a couple of times.  Finn said up and shouted, "Vagus!" as Vagus was a champion sneezer.  He smiled when he realized it was Zaphira and not Vagus...but I'm pretty sure he's going to be looking for Vagus for a while.

Hugging Vagus last night

I'm so sad. So very sad.  And also relieved that it was clearly the right thing to do, and thankful he let me know when it was time.  I'm really going to miss him.

*******

But today was also a day for beginnings.  My donor eggs were thawed today, and fertilized with sperm from Finn's donor.  Right now, in a lab in Atlanta, my embryos are growing and dividing.  I'll get the fertilization report tomorrow, hoping and praying that my baby is one of them.

I've been singing "The Circle of Life" all day today.