Guess What, Mommy?

Finn's new favorite phrase is, "Guess what, Mommy?"  I have no idea where it came from, and I'm pretty sure he has no idea what it means, because all I get is silence when I reply, "What?"

So a few days ago I decided to give him a response...and the only obvious choice was "Chicken butt!" It took a few times, but by yesterday had it down pat.

"Guess what, Mommy?"
"What?"
"Chicken butt!" followed by hysterical laughter.

"Guess what, Mommy?"
"What?"
"Chicken butt!" followed by more hysterical laughter.

"Guess what, Mommy?"
"What?"
"Chicken butt!" and even more hysterical laughter.

Repeat x 20.  (Though my exaggerated reactions to his chicken butts might have something to do with how popular this is.)

This morning we were walking up the stairs so I could go take a shower, and Finn says, "Guess what, Mommy?"
"What, Finn?"
"Mommy's stinky."

Chimichanga!

Introducing:  Chimichanga!

Little Chimichanga made her/his ultrasound debut this morning, with a lovely heart rate of 119, measuring right at 6 weeks 4 days and looks ravishing with his/her perfectly sized yolk sac - the accessory every embryo is sporting these days.  And the poor thing is already facing second child syndrome, as the picture I'm posting here is just a picture of the ultrasound, rather than the scanned image I've always done in the past.  I will try to do better next time.

After the ultrasound was complete, LB (who was nice enough to come with me for my early morning scan) and I walked around to the nurses station, where my RE was waiting for me on the phone. He'd been called out of town unexpectedly due to family illness, but still wanted to tell me congratulations himself.  

It was so amazing, that second I saw the little heartbeat flickering.  Suddenly it all seemed very real - as bad as I've felt, I've been having a hard time really wrapping my mind around the fact that I could drive to Atlanta and have an embryo put inside of me, and that would really get me pregnant.  But it has!  It really worked!

It's amazing how much I already love that little speck and flicker on the ultrasound that's measuring all of 7mm or so.  I want to wrap my arms around it and squeeze like I do Finn.  Which is ridiculous, so I've settled for rubbing my lower abdomen repeatedly today.  So repeatedly that I've got to stop before someone actually asks me if I'm pregnant, and I have to spill the beans before I'm ready.

My due date is February 10, 2014.  That's a long time from now, but in a few years I'll look back and feel like it all passed too quickly.  While it's pretty hard to savor nausea and fatigue, I'm going to try to enjoy every second of this pregnancy that I can.  I really did love being pregnant the last time; I hope I love it even more this time around.

Pre-scan Anxiety

I wonder, does anyone ever go to a pregnancy ultrasound - especially first trimester ultrasounds - without some anxiety?  I guess maybe my former nurse does, as she announced her third pregnancy on FB before the pee stick was even dry (and of course that baby is now and adorable 9 month old).

She wasn't nervous at all, and yet here I am, pregnant with an egg that's even younger than hers, and yet I can't stop worrying.

This week has steadily gotten worse with nausea - I usually wake up feeling fine, then feel worse and worse as the day goes on. I've eaten grilled cheese, egg and cheese biscuits from Bojangles (just about the only way I can get protein in), crackers and lots of ginger ale.  Then today at lunch I gave a talk and forced myself to eat some rice, chicken and grilled veggies so no one would wonder why I wasn't eating.  And by the time I'd finished with my talk, I was ravenous.  I went back to my office and had 2 black bean and cheese burritos and a huge pile of chips and cheese (leftovers from a catered lunch I missed), and then had 3 mini peppermint patties.

It was heavenly to eat and enjoy my food, but of course I also worried that this meant something was wrong, especially when I didn't immediately feel sick after eating so much.  I'm feeling a little off now, 7 hours later, and definitely not at all hungry, which is not normal, but still not sick.  Why can't I be happy I'm not feeling sick, instead of worried that it's a bad sign?

I've also had some slight pink spotting ever since before my BFP.  I know this is not uncommon, but of course I worry.  And then today when I wiped there was just a little more pink than I had been seeing.  Cue more worry.

Wouldn't it be great to be blissfully ignorant of all the reasons that a woman should worry during pregnancy?  Wouldn't it be great if I could stick to my plan of not worrying this pregnancy, and just sitting back and enjoy it as it comes?  Wouldn't it be really great if I'd stop worrying and start counting my blessings?

Less than 12 hours until my ultrasound.  I hope I can sleep tonight.

Beta #3

This is a bad idea...

I was overwhelmed by the responses to my post the other night - I felt so awful for losing my temper and popping Finn.  Everyone's empathy (and suggestions for other things to try) made me feel so much better.  Last night was another difficult night - Finn started kicking me when I told him it was time to get ready for bed (he was lying on the floor).  When I told him to stop he hit me, so I got up and walked away.  And it didn't phase him at all.  Then a little while later he was bringing me a book he wanted to read, and threw it towards me.  It didn't hit me, so he picked it up again and acted like he was about to throw it.  I told him not to throw it at me, but he did, and it hit me on my knee.  It didn't hurt, but it could have, so I was going to scold him (which never really works).  Then I had another idea, so instead I said, "Owwww!" and wrinkled up my face and started to pretend cry.  That worked wonders.  He dissolved into tears and came over to hug me.  He had to tell me he was sorry, and then kiss my knee and then we cuddled for a few minutes until he stopped crying.  I'm going to have to try that one again!

*****

My third and final beta was yesterday - 9510!  That's at 19dp5dt, so a good, solid number.
 Every piece of good news makes me feel just a little more secure that all is well.  My ultrasound is scheduled for next Friday morning, when I'll be 6week and 3 days.  I found out from RBA that I'll get a total of 3 ultrasounds, at 6, 8 and 10 weeks before I'm released to my OB.  I wasn't really expecting that, but am so excited that I'll have that many chances to make sure everything is ok during the time in pregnancy that I worry the most.

Parenting Fail

I woke up feeling nauseated on Saturday. It seems way to early to be nauseated, so I thought it was just a fluke, but it's steadily worsened to a pretty constant level of seasick queasy.  But otherwise I was feeling pretty good, until the fatigue kicked in today.  I remember how tired I was with Finn....I know this fatigue is going to get worse.  I've been really worried about that, and it's upset me more than I would have thought that it's kicked in so early. 

Cue tonight's parenting fail.  I came home worn out.  Finn had already eaten dinner, and was upstairs with Nanny M getting a bath.  I sliced up some sweet potato for my dinner and threw it in the oven to roast, then went upstairs to a little boy who was so happy to see me come home.  Nanny M and I visited for a few minutes, then we all came downstairs and I ate dinner while Finn watched Mickey Mouse. He had napped early today, and then spent the afternoon at the pool, so he was exhausted, too. 

My first mistake was probably taking too long to go upstairs, and my second was expecting that he was going to be sweet and cuddly and ready to go right to sleep.  Instead of sweet and cuddly, he was frustrating and defiant.  He wasn't really in a bad mood, he was just overly tired, and EVERYTHING was a fight.  He kicked me when brushing his teeth, he screamed for his stuffed Nemo when he was getting his diaper on (for the first of many times), he decided he wanted a snack and instead of asking, he immediately started yelling.  I couldn't get him to do anything I wanted him to do - at one point he hit me because I wouldn't let him play with the wet wipes.  I put him in time out, and he refused to stay.  I needed a minute to calm down just as much as he did, but he wouldn't sit in one spot on the floor.  Back and forth - once second he was screaming and fighting me, and the next he was sweet and funny.  All I kept thinking was how much worse these evenings were going to be as I got more and more tired over the next few weeks.  Of course, most evenings aren't like this, but I wasn't thinking about that.  I was envisioning months of misery.

Then I was trying to get his diaper back on after his last potty time before bed.  He was wiggling and fighting and hitting and about to bash his head on the door frame.  He flipped over with his little bare butt in the air - and I spanked him.  Not hard, my hand didn't sting, but hard enough that it made a noise. And Finn immediately stopped fighting me and started crying. 

One thing I said I'd never do was spank my child.  I'm trying so hard to break him of hitting, and I say over and over again, "We don't hit in this family."  And then I hit him.  What makes it even worse is that it worked.  After he calmed down and stopped crying, we hugged, we both said we were sorry, and he was done fighting me.  We had lovely storytime cuddles, he giggled with his favorite tickle book and gave me lots of kisses at bedtime.  He got out of bed once because he said he had to poop (he didn't) and after warnings of closing the door if he got out of bed again, he got back in bed and went to sleep, happily snuggling Nemo and Monkey. 

I feel so guilty for spanking him, especially since I did it with no conscious thought. I really need to find something else that works as well at getting his attention and snapping him out of bad behavior, because I just don't want to ever spank him again.  Any suggestions? As it is, I'm tempted to go upstairs and bring him to bed with me right now, just so I can snuggle with him and make myself feel better for my parenting fail.

Potty Training

Finn and his hat that is not underwear

I've been letting Finn lead the way with potty training, and he's already way ahead of where I would have anticipated he would be.  He asks to go to the bathroom about 75% of the time when he has to poop, and rarely (usually bedtime!) when he has to pee.  He's even told me, "Mommy, I need to poop!" when we've been out, and then pooped in a public toilet.  I didn't do anything to prompt this, it's all been him.  Though, from the time he was old enough to notice, I've shown him his poop in his diaper, and when he was old enough to help, I've had him come with me when I dump his poop in the toilet, and have him help me flush it.  (I have several friends who had children who freaked out the first time they pooped in the toilet and saw their poop, so I wanted to be sure we avoided that!)

Friday morning he woke up with a dry diaper, and had showered with me.  He had naked time after the shower, and as I was picking out my clothes he said, "I have to go potty.  Bye Mommy!" and went to his bathroom.  I followed, but he kicked me out, then came running in the room a few minutes later, "I pee-peed on the potty, Mommy!" I had to go to give the appropriate oohs and ahhs and yays, and discovered a potty full of pee...and pee on the floor, too.  I was running late and short on patience, but really hate to make him feel bad about anything potty related, so I groaned just a little, cleaned up the pee and sang the "Finn pee-peed on the potty!" song.

He got big boy underwear a couple of months ago, but until last week, didn't show any interest in using them for anything more than a hat. Then this past week we've read the Potty book a couple of times and he's asked about wearing underwear.  So yesterday afternoon I put him in his first pair of big boy underwear.  Within an hour he was walking to the bathroom, pulling down his pants, and then peed on the toilet.  Yay!  "Oh, this is going to be easier than I ever expected!" I thought to myself.

This morning I put him in underwear right after we woke up, then puttered around upstairs while he played between his room, my room and the porch off my bedroom.  About 20 minutes later he walked into my room, crying.  "I pee-peed, Mommy!" I took of his wet clothes, cleaned up the floor where he'd peed, and let him run around naked.  After I rinsed out his clothes, I walked out to the porch where he was playing and saw a puddle on the ground.  "Did you pee out here, Finn?"  "Yes, Mommy!  And I poopied, too!" and he proudly pointed to the little mound of poop by the railing. 

So it was back in diapers for our errands and naptime, then this afternoon we had naked time.  I was in the bathroom  and he walked by with a diaper in his hand. "Hi Mommy!" "Finn, what's in that diaper?"  He brought it to me, and showed me the poop in the diaper. He had gotten a clean diaper and pooped in it, rather than coming to the bathroom.  And, as I later discovered, he had peed into another clean diaper and left that one in the living room.

I think he's telling me he's not quite ready to give up diapers.  But he looks so cute in his little underwear!  (No pictures of that, yet!)

My computer is officially damaged...I took it to the Apple Hospital Saturday, and am expecting it back later this week.  I'm using my work computer, which is a pain.  I can't comment on some blogs (that use Discus for comments), it's doing weird things when I try to post, it's really slow, it looks to me like it messed up the picture on this post, and it's driving me crazy with other websites as well. I may not be around much this week, if i can't get this computer working better.

Second Beta!

The nurse who called me back for my labs this morning was the same one who left me the message on Wednesday that I was going to get good news.  "I wasn't supposed to call you, but I was just so excited I had to!" she said as she gave me a huge hug.  Then another one of the nurses passed by and Libby called out to her, "Shannon has good news!" and so I got another squee and another huge hug.

I didn't have to wait as long for my results this time; just after lunch I heard from RBA, my beta has almost doubled from 251 to 495.9.  That's close enough to doubling for me!  I've got another beta next Friday, and I guess I'll get an ultrasound the week after that. 

I'm a lot less worried about this pregnancy than I was with Finn's, but I'm still feeling pretty cautious.  I didn't realize how cautious until I was talking to my mom about my plans to move next year, and she told me she thought I should wait to move.  "But if I have another baby, there just won't be any room at all."  I didn't realize I'd said "if" until my mom corrected me, "You mean, when you have another baby." I don't think I'm going to fully believe it until my ultrasound.  It's not that I'm worried something bad is going to happen, but that somehow there's been a mistake, and I'm not really pregnant.  Absurd, I know!  But I feel like I'm such a faker, that I'm not really pregnant, and we're soon going to discover that my labs and HPTs were mixed up with someone else's.

Though my heartburn is starting to make me believe that it might really be true.

Beta Results!

I did not POAS this morning, but I did for three mornings in a row, and saw darker lines each day.  I've wanted to post a picture like this one for over a year, and for awhile was worried I'd never get the chance.  But now, here it is, my three HPTs!

I went to my RE's office to have my beta drawn this morning, and at around 11am, I got a message from Libby, his nurse, "Hi Shannon!  I just wanted to let you know that I've got your lab results and I'm faxing them right now.  I'm not allowed to tell you anything, but I just had to tell you that it's good news!"  Then about 45 minutes later, my RE called himself.  He said he knew he wasn't the one to give me the news, but he just wanted to call and tell me congratulations himself.  I told him that I attributed his superior technique when performing my scratch biopsy last month to the success with this cycle.  And I forgot to ask him the actual results.

In the meantime, I'd posted to my FB SMC group about the RE's nurse calling me.  About the time Dr. M called me, I checked FB again, and saw a message from one of the SMCs in my group, asking if I'd meant to post that story to everyone on FB.  Because somehow I did.  Ooops.  Of course, I couldn't figure out how to erase it on my phone, so in a panic I called Jennie and got her to sign into my FB and erase it for me.  Of the 4 people who commented, two were SMCs, one was a friend who I know reads my blog and already knew the news, and the other was my doula.  Seven people liked my status, and I have no idea who those were, as it wouldn't show up once I'd erased it.  Seriously, I am not pregnant enough to have pregnancy brain yet!

Finally I heard from RBA - my beta is a respectable 251!  It was higher with Finn at a comparable day, but my betas were pretty high that time (and crazily, the lines on my HPT were much lighter - the darkest I got was lighter than my first HPT this pregnancy).

Over and over again over the past few years I've read blogs where the authors are pregnant and write about how much less worried they are about their second pregnancy, and how it doesn't consume their every waking thought.  I couldn't imagine that.  I really thought that because my first pregnancy ended in a loss, and this is really my third pregnancy, that I'd still be worried constantly.  And I do have some fears, of course, but I was able to forget multiple times today that I was waiting on my beta.  When I got my results I was happy, but not shaking with relief like I was almost 3 years ago when I got my first beta results with my second pregnancy.  But I don't forget I'm pregnant.  Not for a second.  That hasn't changed at all. It's a wonderful secret that I carry around with me every minute of the day. And it still seems a little surreal.  I'm pregnant.  Again.  I can hardly believe it.

Next beta is on Friday.  I'm not sure if I'll have to do another one on Monday, or if they'll be happy with just two before an ultrasound in about two weeks. I hope the two weeks past quickly! 

Waiting Waiting Waiting

Celebratory ice cream

Thank you for all the congratulations and good wishes on my BFP!  It's so fun to be able to share with all of you, since I'm not sharing with everyone in real life just yet.  I walked around all day wanting to tell each person I saw - though it is a fun sort of secret to walk around with. I have told a few people (probably more than I should have) but everyone who knows has been sworn to secrecy. One person I have not told is Finn - he repeats everything, so I'm sure the entire neighborhood would know tomorrow if I told him today.

To pass the time while waiting, I decided to POAS again this morning - and it's darker!  Yesterday's test was actually darker than my test with Finn 14dpIUI, when my beta was 358.  I can't wait to find out what my beta is this time - but I have to, since my beta is not until Wednesday.

*****

On a completely unrelated note, I had some computer issues this past week, and in the process of fixing it (at least I think it's fixed), I finally updated the operating system on my Mac.  When I did, I had to upgrade my email account to an iCloud account.  They told me I'd still get emails sent to my old email address, but it doesn't look like that's the case.  So annoying.  So if you've sent me an email in the past week and I didn't respond, it's because I didn't get it!  My new email address is shannonblog @ iCloud dot com.

 

7dp5dt

Finn woke up early this morning, complaining that his finger hurt. He'd stuck his finger into a bowl of very hot grits yesterday morning, but hadn't complained about it after the initial crying until this morning.  After I got him some "medicine" for his finger, I gave in to my full bladder and POAS...well, in a cup, as I hate POAS.

As soon as I'd gotten the stick dipped in the pee, Finn yelled out that he had to poop.  I tried to put him off long enough to see if anything showed up, but when you're 2 and you've got to poop, there is no putting it off.  I tried to sneak a peak while I was getting his pants and diaper off, and again when I was putting him on the toilet, but it wasn't until he was safely seated (and pooping) that I was able to look at the pregnancy test.

And this is what I saw:

OMG!  It worked!  I'm pregnant!

And now to wait for my beta on Wednesday...and then of course the wait to the ultrasound...and then the wait to the next ultrasound...  Yep, lots of waiting ahead!  But I'm going to try hard not to let the waiting - and inevitable worry that comes along with it - do anything to ruin my enjoyment of this pregnancy.  

And hope that Finn doesn't remember that his finger hurts.