5dp5dt

I'm more than halfway through my two week wait (that isn't really a full 2 weeks, thank goodness), and it's amazing how many different emotions I've been able to go through in just 5 days.  Two days ago I had mild lower pelvic cramping all day, and then had the tiniest bit of pink spotting - implantation symptoms!?  And then yesterday I felt nothing, and thought maybe I was wrong.  Then today I've felt lower pelvic cramping - almost like PMS - all day long.  This morning I was sure it was early pregnancy symptoms.  Then tonight I saw some more pink and light brown spotting in my Crinone, and decided that maybe it really is PMS.

It's really hard not to compare this cycle to prior cycles - the IUI cycle with Finn I had some PMS like cramping from 10dpo (which is basically the same point I'm at today), but no spotting.  But I was only on every other night Crinone, not twice a day Crinone, and most of my progesterone was coming from my own body, not a supplementation.  So there's just no way to be able to compare.

I had spotting before my period started with several of my failed IUIs last fall, but that spotting was dark red and dark brown.  But it was still spotting, so I can't help but think that this spotting tonight means my cycle is over, and I'll be heading back to Atlanta next month to transfer my other high quality embryo.

But I'm still hopeful.

Oh the two week wait is such a mind fuck.

My beta is scheduled for Wednesday, but of course I'll be testing early.  I've decided to POAS on Sunday morning.  If I don't get my period before then.

Transfer Done!

Finn and I have had the most wonderful weekend.  We weren't alone in Atlanta - we had 6 other SMCs and their children here to keep us company.  A few years ago a group of us met online, and have stayed in contact, giving each other support and encouragement.  Three of us have been to RBA already to get our babies, and then there are 3 of us (out of 17 total) who are in the process of donor eggs at RBA, and we all have our transfer dates within 2 weeks of each other.  This seemed like the perfect excuse to finally meet as a group; while we missed the other 10, we had a wonderful time! It was especially fun seeing all our children interact, and I'm really looking forward to seeing them all together in another 2-3 years.

My transfer this morning was at 9am.  My doctor wasn't on call today, but since he's the doctor for the entire Single Sister Sextuplet, he decided he'd come in on his day off and do my transfer.  S and her 6 month old son B (an RBA baby) came with us, while another of the moms watched Finn.  It was great having them there to keep me distracted from both my nerves and my full bladder!

Back in the transfer room, I changed out of my pants and flip flops and into my lucky socks. The tech confirmed that my bladder was appropriately full and then the embryologist opened the door to the sounds of Abba coming in from the lab, which made me giggle.  I was shown the beautiful picture of the embryo they were about to transfer and then given the full report: of the 5 eggs that fertilized, I have 2 Grade A, fully expanded blastocysts, 1 early blastocyst, 1 morula, and one that arrested after fertilization.  We transfered one of the blastocysts and froze the other, while the other two are being watched and will be frozen if they continue developing.  I'm scheduled for a serum beta on 6/5 - less than two weeks away!

Lucky socks

The transfer itself was a lot like an IUI, except less crampy feelings during and after.  And instead of 20 minutes on the table listening to soft music, I was up and getting dressed after 5 minutes.  I was told I don't need to do strict bedrest, but should take it easy, and avoid "repetitive heavy lifting."  For the first few hours I walked around on eggshells, but after the 20th time my 30 pound toddler wanted to be picked up, I gave up.  Dr. S did tell me that in his opinion I could probably "sky dive into a tank of sharks" the day of transfer and it wouldn't affect my chances of getting pregnant.  He also told me that I had a cervix that looked like a teenager's.  I might have blushed at that.

I'm finding it a little hard to really wrap my mind around the fact that I might be pregnant.  It's all been a little surreal the past few weeks, especially since there's just not much involved with preparing for just an embryo transfer.  I felt a little funny with both the Lupron and the steroids, but no major symptoms like bloating and cramping like I had with stims; it's all so low key, and almost too simple to be something that will actually result in a baby.  I am excited, though, and starting to feel optimistic that this might just work.

**********

We all went to brunch as a group before the of us had to leave, and then a couple of us headed back to my room for a little quiet time. We were joined by a former blogger who came and brought her adorable 17 month old son for a short visit - oh he was so cute!  It was lovely to finally meet her, though I wish we could have had a longer visit.

Before transfer day we had all had fun at the aquarium (which I do NOT recommend to anyone on a holiday weekend, ever.  Ever.) the zoo, on a picnic and just hanging out.  This is my (second) favorite picture from this weekend - we were in the room watching the huge tank and had decided to walk back up to the top of the viewing area from our spot right in front of the glass.  Then Finn decided he wanted to go back down to the glass.  He got down there, went up to the glass where the giant fish he'd been "talking" to earlier was, leaned in, kissed the glass, said "Love you, see you later!" and then headed back up the stairs.
 

Fertilization Report

First off, thank you for all the kind words and sympathy on my post from yesterday.  I still can't quite believe that he's really gone.  This morning we walked downstairs and Finn looked around and said, "Where did Vagus go?"

I thought I had gotten most of my crying out, but I cried again most of my drive to work.  I got myself together when I pulled in the parking lot, and decided to take a few more minutes to regain my composure by gathering up some of the trash that's accumulated in my car the past week.  So I had my hands full with my bag, paper towels and a couple of diet Coke cans as I walked up to my building, and my phone started to ring.  I knew it was RBA, so I dropped everything onto the ground so I could get to my phone - buried in my purse.

When I answered the phone, a pleasant woman with the tone of someone who was about to deliver bad news said, "Hi Shannon, how are you this morning?"  My heart sunk at the sound of her voice, but luckily she didn't make me wait long.  "I have your fertilization report.  There were six eggs.  Five survived the thaw, and all five fertilized!"

This was fabulous news!  I'm guaranteed two high quality embryos, but of course I'd prefer to not have to go through this several times.  Five fertilized eggs increases the chance that there will be at least one or two in there that grow normally and can develop into a healthy baby.

Holy cow.  There is a really good chance that my daughter or son is in a petri dish in Atlanta right now.

We leave tomorrow morning, and I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow afternoon.  I'll get an update on the embryos tomorrow, and I should find out on Friday morning if my transfer is Friday or Sunday (better quality embryos get a 5 day transfer, while the iffier ones get a 3 day).

I'm a little nervous about the drive with Finn tomorrow - we've got a loaded iPad, lots of musical instrument toys, some books and the novelty of being forward facing in his car seat.  Wish us luck!

Last Lupron shot today!

 

Endings and Beginnings

 I said goodbye to Vagus tonight.

By Monday afternoon it was obvious he was getting worse, so I called and made an appointment with the vet.  Vagus was unsteady on his feet, had trouble sitting down or standing up, and was barely eating or drinking anything.  For the first time in his life with me, he didn't sleep on my bed Sunday or Monday night, though he did find a way to make it up the stairs (when I thought he'd be more comfortable downstairs) to sleep on the floor in my room.  Last night he jumped up on the couch to sit in my lap, but didn't purr or lean into my hand as I rubbed his head.

So I was pretty sure when I went into the vet tonight that it was to say goodbye.  Luckily LB was able to come with us, and it helped so much having her there by my side.  The vet looked at him, talked to me, and agreed that now was time.  They gave him a shot in his leg to sedate him, and he drifted off to sleep.  I snuggled and cuddled him,  and told him how much I loved him.  About 10 minutes later they came back in - Vagus was completely sedated, and just barely breathing.  As he was no longer really there any more, I thought it was ok to leave, so I kissed his head one more time and we left.

Finn had kissed his head before we left, and didn't seem surprised when we got home without Vagus, but was clearly upset and sad.  He held on to me and wouldn't let me put him down, and at one point said something about Vagus having a boo-boo.  While we were rocking in his room at bedtime, Zaphira walked in and sneezed a couple of times.  Finn said up and shouted, "Vagus!" as Vagus was a champion sneezer.  He smiled when he realized it was Zaphira and not Vagus...but I'm pretty sure he's going to be looking for Vagus for a while.

Hugging Vagus last night

I'm so sad. So very sad.  And also relieved that it was clearly the right thing to do, and thankful he let me know when it was time.  I'm really going to miss him.

*******

But today was also a day for beginnings.  My donor eggs were thawed today, and fertilized with sperm from Finn's donor.  Right now, in a lab in Atlanta, my embryos are growing and dividing.  I'll get the fertilization report tomorrow, hoping and praying that my baby is one of them.

I've been singing "The Circle of Life" all day today.

Vagus the Cat

My cat Vagus is 18 years old this month.  I got him from the SPCA in Oklahoma in 1995, and he's been a cuddly pain in the ass ever since.  He loves to snuggle, and curls up in my lap when I'm on the couch, and next to my head when I'm in the bed.  He's been amazingly tolerant of Finn, who loves to hug him and snuggle him and brush his fur.  He also loves to howl in the middle of the night for no reason, and can do it for hours on end.  Hours.  On end.  (Imagine me, 6 months pregnant, yelling down the stairs, "For the love of all that is good and holy, Vagus, shut the fuck up!")  He's white with some black markings, and loves to get on all my black clothes and cover them with fur.  I've kept the lint roller people in business for years.

Almost exactly a year ago

This winter I kept smelling something off in my closet. And then I discovered that it was pee.  A large spot of pee on the floor, and on a few of my shoes.  I caught Vagus in the act, so I know it was him.  I've been vigilant ever since to keep the closet door closed, and always looking for pee spots.  I have found a few in the kitchen and bathroom, but none on the carpet.

A few years ago he developed some arthritis in his back legs, and couldn't clean his paws as well as he used to - so occasionally he'd step in wet litter, and then track it all over the house.  That's gotten a lot worse, and then, last week, it stopped.  It stopped because he was no longer making it in the litter box to pee.  He was peeing around the litter box, but not in it.  I tried getting a new little box with lower sides, but that didn't help.  So the floor is now covered with plastic and a large tray and puppy pads.

Less than 2 weeks ago

He's been on a downhill slide for months. Every time he doesn't come down when I'm home I go looking for him, half afraid I'll find his dead body curled on the floor in my room.  The past few days he's taken a fairly dramatic turn for the worse.  He hasn't done much but sleep, and I'm not sure he would have been able to make it down the stairs today if I hadn't carried him down. When I picked him up I was shocked by how light he feels, and I think that most of the grooming work has been done by the other cat, Zaphira.  He's eaten, and he's had some water to drink, but when he walked into the kitchen this evening, he was clearly shaky on his feet.

He's 18.  He's old.  I don't really think he's sick, I think it's just old age.  I don't know if he's in pain, but based on his behavior today, I'm wondering if it's time to take him to the vet and let him go.  I don't know if I'm capable of making that decision, though.  He's been such a pain in the ass his entire life that the thought of putting him to sleep fills me with equal parts sadness, relief and guilt.

I leave for Atlanta on Thursday morning.  My neighbors are going to feed the cats for me while I'm gone, but I'm wishing I had arranged for a pet sitter to come instead, as I don't feel comfortable asking them to take on the responsibility of checking on Vagus to make sure he's still alive and doesn't need medical attention.  I guess if he's not any better by Wednesday morning, I'll cancel my acupuncture appointment for that evening and see what the vet has to say.

It's hard to know which I hope for more - that tomorrow morning I wake up to find that he's passed in the night, or that I wake up to find he's back to his old self.  I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way.  It may be hard to believe, but I really do love him.  And as much as he has annoyed me over the years, I'm really going to miss him when he's gone.

8 years ago with the deeply missed Dakota

Birthday Party!

After Finn's first birthday, my plan for this year was a little family gathering at home.  And somehow that turned into a party with 23 people thrown together at the last minute.  We had such a good time, I decided I needed to document it here, even if it is a week late.

I have always wanted to have a birthday party at a ranch that's not too far from our house - they have all sorts of animals - lots of cattle, emu, zebra, llamas, pigs, water buffalo, and even a rhino.  It's one of those places that you can drive your car through or, if you're not crazy, you can take a wagon ride. Since I'll hopefully be moving or already moved this time next year, I thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and have the party this year, while it's still so close to us.  Because I waited so late to plan we had to take the only time available, so our wagon ride left at 10:15, one of the first wagons of the day.  It turned out to be the perfect time as all the animals were still hungry, the sun wasn't too hot, and it poured down rain later in the afternoon.

Our party took up the entire wagon - two of my partners at work, my assistant and her kids, my sister and her family, Nanny M, my friends Lisa, Liz, LB and their families.  We had buckets full of feef for the animals, and were instructed by the driver on the proper feeding techniques. Some would take food right from your hands, while others were fed by pouring feed into their mouths, or putting food under the seat and letting them eat from the bottom of the wagon.  Finn's preferred method was either food under the seat (he got so excited when "llama llama red pajama" and goats ate food from the bottom of the wagon) or throwing food at the animals, which was also my nephew Ollie's favorite way to feed them. The ride was over an hour, and full of laughs and squeal and giggles - and some slobbery hands.  It was such a joy watching Finn watch the animals.  He did not want to get too close to them, but he he loved watching them, and he loved watching other people feed them (when he wasn't busy throwing food at them himself).

My sister ready to feed the goats

Finn

Zebras were hungry, but we were warned they like to bite!

Ollie hadn't met Gabs before, but he insisted on holding her hand - so cute! 

Finn and Nanny M 

Finn and Nanny M and Giraffe 

Look at that tongue! 

One of Lisa's daughters had the brilliant idea to serve peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the shape of Mickey heads for lunch after the ride, and since the party started so early, one of my partners came to my house early to help make the sandwiches while her husband entertained Finn.  Then Lisa and her crew showed up to help load everything into the car, so what could have been a long, crazy and stressful morning of prep work was fun and easy and took less than an hour.  Everyone also helped get the table set and everyone served after the wagon ride - it couldn't have been an easier party.  I am so lucky to have such good friends!

Mickey Head sandwiches

I had our local supermarket make his cake, and asked them to decorate with balloons, while leaving a spot for the cute Mickey plane I found online. It's not the fanciest cake ever, but it sure was cute.  And delicious.

I was looking for a 2nd birthday shirt online and found his adorable shirt on Etsy.  Again, this was all last minute, so the weekend before his party I emailed the woman who makes these to see if she could get me one in time for his party.  And she did!  Here store is here if you want to check it out.  I noticed that her store has recently been reopened after being closed for the birth of quadruplets - makes me even happier I found her store.

I haven't tested Finn to see if he's still allergic to eggs, so he had birthday ice cream instead of cake, but there was lots of chocolate sauce and sprinkles to go along with the ice cream, so he didn't even notice he wasn't eating cake.  He would have licked the bowl if I'd let him!

I just love this picture of the two of us

After food was over, the kids went with a few adults to play on the playground, while the rest of us cleaned up and visited.  By the time the party was over, Finn was worn out.  He fell asleep on the way home, and slept for over two hours.  We opened presents after his nap, and then more the next morning, on his actual birthday.  He got some great toys and some much needed clothes, as well as a few really cute cards (including one from Tiara and Elena -it was even signed by Elena herself!) - he really got way more than he needed, but it was all very appreciated!  He loved opening the gifts, and every single gift he got has been a big hit.  When does that ever happen with a two year old?

Next year I swear - cake and dinner at home with just a few people.

A Date with Wanda

Picnic Weather is here!

I had my one and only monitoring appointment this morning at my local RE's office.  It's really weird, only going in once in a cycle.  It's really weird not going down for lab work, and just getting an ultrasound.  And it's really weird not feeling tons of anxiety about the state of my ovaries and follicles.  Weird and wonderful.  Unfortunately, today's visit still depended on Wanda (aka the dildocam).

I was a little worried about what we'd see with my uterine lining.  I've been taking Lupron for weeks, and have been on a gradually increasing dose of estrogen patches for about 14 days or so.  It's hard to really believe that some patches on my stomach are going to be enough to grow a good uterine lining, but it turns out it is.  My lining looks better than my lining has ever looked on any of my own IUI cycles at 11mm.  The report was faxed off to RBA and I got the confirmation a few hours later that the eggs will be thawed and then fertilized on Tuesday!

Wow.  There's a really good chance that my second child is going to be conceived in a petri dish in Atlanta in just a few days.  I asked the RBA nurse if she could pass on the message to the embryologist to try to pick out girl sperm.  She didn't reply...but at least I got it out there. Of course, I know it doesn't work that way, and of course I would be thrilled with another boy - but it would be nice to have a little girl.  And it never hurts to ask, right?

After several months of feeling cautious in my optimism, I'm feeling really excited now.  In a little more than a week, I might finally be pregnant again!  Using donor eggs improves my chances a lot, but I know nothing is 100%, so I'm trying to remain a little cautious.  And trying to be realistic in knowing that my first transfer might not work, and I may have to rely on a frozen embryo (hoping I get at least one extra to freeze!) transfer next month.  But I think I'm going to try to let go of the feelings of caution and just enjoy being excited for the next few weeks.

*******

In the meantime, back at home, Finn discovered corn on the cob this week.

And rediscovered noodles.

Clearly, both were huge hits.

Two Years

Happy 2nd Birthday, my sweet boy!

Thank you for your giggles, your little dances and your new ability to sing at the top of your lungs, even when you don't know all the words.

Thank you for sharing my love of books.  Thank you for laughing at the same parts over and over again, yelling out your favorite lines along with me, and for making me read 10 books before you'll go to sleep every night.

Thank you for your sweet snuggles.  Thank you for finally falling asleep in your own bed at night, without needing me to rock you to sleep.  Thank you for coming to bed with me in the early morning hours and remembering to bring your pacifier along with you.  I don't think I need Mickey Mouse, Monkey, Llama Llama and Bunny to come along with you, too, but it does make the bed a cozy place.

Thank you for teaching me patience by insisting on helping with everything or (worse yet) doing it yourself.  Thank you for not holding a grudge when you don't get your way.  Thank you for the messes that you make, and the messes that you help me clean up.

Thank you for being such a good eater.  Thank you for being willing to try anything, and for not hesitating to spit out something that you don't like, preferably in my hand.  Thank you for your love of sprinkles, both as a food, and as an unexpected garnish for Play-Doh.

Thank you for your love of balls - rolling, throwing, bouncing or hitting them - where ever and when ever you find them.  Thank you for usually remembering not to throw balls in the house.

Thank you for your love of Mickey Mouse, choo-choo trains, balloons, bubbles, planes, animals and water.  The world is a whole new place when seen through your eyes, and I see things I would have never noticed before because you see them first.

But most of all, thank you for letting me be your mommy.  Happy Birthday!

Kinda Sorta CD 1

Today is officially CD 1 - or as RBA calls it, DOC 1.  I started my period a week ago, and I've been in a sort of a holding pattern, with low dose Lupron and estrogen patches.  I actually stay on the same regimen for a few more days before the estrogen doses start to ramp up.

I didn't think I felt that bad with Lupron until I was able to decrease the dose last week. That first day I felt SO much better.  Nothing specific, just better energy and less moodiness.  Now at just 5 units a day, I'm feeling ok.  If all goes as plans, 3 weeks from tomorrow my donor's eggs will be thawed and fertilized!

******

My offline evening with Finn was fairly easy tonight.  We finally had sunshine again after days of rain and clouds, so we went outside after dinner and played with sidewalk chalk and did a little gardening.  Just as we were going inside, a huge fire truck came down my street and stopped right in front of our house!  Three firemen came out with tools, and within seconds had water spewing out of the fire hydrant.  Finn was enthralled.  One of the firemen came over and said hi, and gave Finn a high five, and at one point the light was perfect and we saw a beautiful rainbow in the middle of the water spray.  Then the test was over, the water was turned off, and the fire truck took off to check the next neighborhood fire hydrant.  Of course, since I was trying hard not to get online, I had left my phone inside and didn't get any pictures!

Then we saw we had a few packages on the porch.  One was addressed to Finn, and he was so excited.  I was tempted to make him wait until his birthday, but he was just too excited, so I let him open it.  We opened the large padded envelope to find a present wrapped in shiny red paper.  "Ooooo!  Oh wow!" Finn was beside himself with anticipation.  This is the first time he's understood what getting a present really means, and if he continues to be this excited with every gift, this weekend is going to be so fun!

We opened up the present to find a super cool straw that spells out Finn from his Auntie Evelyn.  From the second he opened it, he refused to put it down, even to try to figure out what it's actually for.  He carried it around, sucked on it, used it to comb my hair and waved it around like a flag.  He loved the card just as much, and we had to read it 4 times as part of his bedtime routine tonight.  Oh, how I love this age!

Showing off his card and straw

Loving How I Live

In my perfect single mom world, I’d have a big house with a large yard (and a cute guy to cut the grass, preferably with his shirt off).  My kitchen would flow into my living room, with lots of windows, a long low table for art projects, bins for neatly storing toys, and an amazing sound system so music could be enjoyed all day long. 

The windows would look out into the back yard, giving me an easy view of either the aforementioned yard boy, or my kids and their friends playing outside.  And the yard would have space for a swing, some flowers and a dog.  

My reality is a cramped, somewhat dark house that’s groaning at the seams with toys and books and strollers and riding toys that don’t have anywhere but the dining room to be stored.  Our back yard is tiny, on the corner of a busy street, and without a fence.  My neighbors are lovely, and there are plenty of (older) kids in the neighborhood and I feel safe.  But it’s not home.  I am so ready to move, and yet, financially speaking, I need to stay here right now.  

A few weeks ago, though, it occurred to me that this place that I’m living now, as imperfect as it is, will house some of my most treasured memories in years to come.  Finn learned to walk in this house.   His first real words, and his first sentences (and soon paragraphs) were all spoken here. The hours spent rocking him to sleep, the funny times in the bath, the middle of the night snuggles, the mornings watching Mickey Mouse, and the afternoons dancing in the kitchen will all make me love this house in my memories much more than I love it today. 

As I’ve mentioned before, it’s my hope to move about this time next year.  It won’t be into my perfect dream home but hopefully it will be into a home that I can - over time - mold into my perfect dream home.  If I can get a place with the bare bones of what I want I can take my time putting it together into a place I’ll be happy to live for the next twenty years. 

At first it really bothered me that because of my underwater condo, money was going to keep me from getting the house I want.  But I’ve come to realize that it isn’t the stuff in the house, or even the house itself, that make the place I live my home.  It’s the love and the joy inside the house that matter.

Finn isn’t going to care if the walls are painted the color I want, or if I have the sofa I’m dreaming of and the big screen tv.  His childhood memories won’t revolve around sound systems and perfectly manicured lawns.  What he will remember are the things we did together, and the feeling of being loved and cherished and nurtured. 

enjoying a sunny afternoon walk

Of course, there’s the mommy guilt that goes along with leaving a nanny to do a lot of that loving and cherishing, but despite my initial fears associated with having a nanny, it’s pretty clear that I am still the most important person in Finn’s life.  That being said, the one thing I have got to get better at is making sure that the few hours we have together every day and on weekends are quality hours. 

I’ve taken to planning some sort of expedition every weekend.  I find it’s easier to focus on our time together when there’s at least one planned outing, even if it’s just to the local children’s museum or the park.  That makes our weekends pretty easy.  Busy for sure, filled with fun times as well as the usual weekend chores, but very enjoyable.

I’m hoping to be more consistent in our quality time in the evenings after work.  This might get easier as he gets more verbal, and we can have more conversations about our days, but right now I find myself repeatedly distracted by my phone and my computer.  It would be almost impossible to make myself go completely offline from the time I get home at night to the time he goes to bed, but starting Monday I’m going to try.  

And I'm really going to try to stop thinking about where I live, and instead start focusing on how I live.

Quick Update

I have so much going on this past few weeks, and so many posts swirling around in my head, and just no time for any of it.  I have a feeling this is going to become a recurring theme for me over the next few months...or more likely the next few years.

I finally talked to Finn's primary oncologist yesterday afternoon.  She said she wasn't worried about the lymph node at all.  It looks completely benign, and no where near the tumor, so she thinks it's just the radiologist being overly dramatic.  She does want to do another MRI in 4 months, though.  That will put us at 2 years from Finn's initial diagnosis, and she says that at that point, if all is still well, her level of worry drops drastically.

As much as I hate the thought of another MRI in 4 months, it really isn't that terribly different from another MRI in 6 months.  And if that is her magic point for feeling less worried, then I'm ok with that.  So August it is.

*****

Today was Finn's original due date.  I told him that this morning when we got up.  "And I'd like to point out to you that your birthday isn't for another 10 days." He wasn't very impressed.

Holy cow.  In 10 days, my baby will be 2!  How is that even possible?