Future Planning

Finn loved visiting the model homes

The week before the payment for my donor egg cycle was due, I got an unexpected deposit in my bank account.  Well, I knew it was coming (money due from overpaid FICA during my fellowship training almost 10 years ago), but I wasn't expecting it to be quite that much.

Immediately I started to think about my plans to move next year. I had already decided I wanted to move when baby #2 comes; I'd like a bigger house with a real backyard and garage, and in an area of town with less congestion and traffic.  I knew that renting again meant another potential move (or two) over the next few years, so the thought of moving didn't fill me with joy, but it was definitely going to be needed.  But when I got this deposit in my bank account, I realized that I would have enough money to pay for a down payment on a house next year - I would actually be able to buy a house instead of renting one.  I did some calculations, and it looks like I could buy a house that we could be comfortable in for the next 10 years (or more) with a mortgage payment not much more than my current rent, especially if I move just across the border to a different state, with much lower taxes.  And then when the market improves enough that I can finally sell my condo, I'll be able to save money for college and maybe even pay for some fun vacations, too.

 It took more than a week for me to even consider the thought that I could instead use that money to try an IVF cycle with my own eggs!  And as soon as the idea occurred to me, I dismissed it. The benefit of possibly having another baby with my own eggs just wasn't worth the probable loss of the chance to move. If I had any question that going to DE was the right decision, this put that to rest.

This weekend my parents and I looked at some model homes.  I found one neighborhood that's a new planned community, right on the river, with trails and a kayak launch and beautiful homes.  It's just out of my budget, though, and is in a horrible school district, which is disappointing, but it was fun to visit.  I found another community that's just being built, with a few floor plans that are exactly what I have in mind.  The community is a pretty average suburb, but the houses are lovely.

Of course, it's another year before I'm thinking of moving - but you know, I like to plan.  The planning is half the fun!

Regrouping

Thank you for all the wonderful comments on my desperation filled post from last night!  The suggestions were varied and gave me a lot to think about; I really appreciate all the helpful thoughtful comments and the supportive ones, too.

Hearing things from other's perspective gave me a lot to think about, and helped me solidify what I think is the best plan for us.  Well, as much as you can ever solidify a plan when children are involved.

I think many of you were right about Finn's naps.  I don't think he's ready to give them up, but it's time to start shortening them.  He currently naps anywhere from 2-3 hours; Nanny M always wakes him up if he's still asleep at 3.  She's going to change that to waking him up at 2:30, and then gradually change that to 2, so he's not napping more than an hour.  I think he does need a short nap; he gets really drowsy if I keep him awake, and actually goes to sleep easier for his naps than he does at bedtime.

The only sleep book I've read is the No Cry Sleep Solution.  And even that wasn't helpful at first - my problem has always been getting Finn to go to sleep.  Once he's asleep, it's rare that he wakes up in the middle of the night and won't go back to sleep.  But the part I use now is the section where she talks about transitioning from needing a parent in the room to fall asleep to being able to fall asleep on their own.

So when I switched to the toddler bed, it was with that in mind.  Our first few weeks in the toddler bed were ok (after the first night).  Our bedtime routine of stories and pjs is about 30 minutes - he hates getting his pjs on, but it works well if I let him run around naked for a little bit, and then bribe him with books.  Then at 8pm, I would rock him for 5-10 minutes, then put him in his bed.  At first I sat next to the bed, and he'd eventually fall asleep.  It might take 45 minutes to happen, though.  I was gradually working my way away from the bed, as suggested in the book, but I think I moved too fast.  And that's when he started trying to get out of bed.

I don't want to move him back to the crib because I think that's moving too far backwards.  I couldn't put him awake in the crib and then sit next to it or even in the room without screaming.  And while I know there's a good chance that crying is going to be required to get our sleep fixed, I don't think I can handle that degree of crying.  And despite the awfulness of getting him to go to sleep, I'm actually getting much better sleep than I have in ages, because he comes to me when he wakes up.  All I have to do is lean over, help him in my bed and go right back to sleep.  I really enjoy cosleeping still, but I really enjoy my time in my bed without him, too.  So the half the night in his bed and half the night in mine is perfect for me right now.  I'll work on breaking him of that habit later, if it doesn't taper off on its own, as I suspect it will.

I thought about Simone's comment, that Finn isn't being a problem, he has a problem he needs my help with. And Jen and Tiara's comments about teething and growth spurts.  And I realized that this week Finn's footie pjs are suddenly too tight and he's constantly chewing on his sippy cup straws.  And the fact that I just went out of town and left him for the first time ever.  Which makes me think this past week has just been the perfect storm of absolute crap sleep.

It's pretty clear that Finn doesn't want to fall asleep on his own - he wants me to be close by when he does.   He can put himself to sleep if he wakes up in the middle of the night, but maybe he's also having trouble figuring out how to go to sleep at the start of the night. And he's probably not quite tired enough.

So, in addition to shorter naps, I'm going to work on getting him completely used to falling asleep in the bed by himself, and then follow the No Cry Sleep Solutions suggestion to very gradually move out the of room, sitting a little further away from the bed every night, until I'm finally out of the room.  Which means lots of sitting in his room as he falls asleep.  I'm going to start doing some board review then - I'll load some lectures on my phone and watch while I'm waiting for him to fall asleep - which should help me handle my frustration at being stuck in there.

I started tonight by rocking him to sleep, but not to the point that he was sound asleep, just to when his eyes first slid shut.  I then put him in his bed.  He turned over, grabbed his monkey and was asleep.  By 8:25.  My parents are going to be here the rest of the week, so I'll probably stick with that the next few days.  And then from there will start putting him down when he's drowsy.  It'll be a gradual process that will probably take me a few months, instead of the few weeks I was hoping for. And I know at some point I'll have to deal with him crying.  But I think if I do things more gradually, he'll have a better understanding of what it is I'm expecting him to do, and it might actually work.

This is probably way more than most of you wanted to know, so if you're still reading, thanks for sticking with me!  Any other suggestions that anyone wants to throw my way are very appreciated, even if the suggestion seems completely opposite of what I'm currently planning to do.  Toddlers change, and plans change with them, so I'm open to hearing everything.  

I Give Up - but I don't know what to do next

I'm writing this in my living room at 10pm, with Finn standing at the top of the stairs crying.  We started rocking at 8pm after a bath followed by cuddles and books in my bed.  At 8:20 he was acting drowsy, so I put him in his bed and sat by the bed.  He was very still for about 15 minutes.  And then he stood up out of bed.  I put him back, he got out again.  I put myself right next to the bed so that when he'd try to get out, I could just slide him back into the bed before he was even fully out.  Over and over and over again.

At some point he started complaining that his back hurt - possibly from lying on his water bottle?  Maybe from one of the 100 times I slid him back into the bed? I have no idea.  I rubbed it, looked to make sure there wasn't something in his pjs sticking him, and then because he kept saying it hurt, I rocked him.  For 30 minutes.  And he still wouldn't fall asleep.  And so I put him back in the bed.  Then he started getting out of bed saying his hand hurt, and his finger hurt, and his leg hurt and wanting a kiss and a hug.

It's now 2 hours that we've been trying to go to sleep.  I haven't cleaned the litter box.  I haven't made dinner for tomorrow.  I haven't washed the dishes.  I haven't done any of my work.  Board review?  Ha.

I love my child more than anything in life but this is making me insane.

If I wasn't planning on having another baby, I'd be happy with a 1 hour bedtime.  If I didn't have 57 unfinished charts and 217 unseen labs, I'd be happy continuing to rock him to sleep.  If I didn't have boards coming up, I'd even consider just going to bed right now with him in my bed with me.  But all those things are happening, and even a one hour bedtime is just TOO long (and by one hour, I mean one hour to fall asleep once we've done all the getting ready for bed rituals).

Rocking him to sleep was taking an hour for him to fall asleep.  With not rocking to bed it's taking 2-3 hours for him to fall asleep.  It's been over a week and it's worse, not better.  And now he's upstairs crying so hard he's about to make himself throw up, and I'm down here writing a blog post because I just can't do anything else right now.

I don't know what to do.  Except that I have to upstairs now, he's crying too hard for me to continue to leave him up there.

Home

Helping Nanny M with grocery shopping

Friday night I walked off the shuttle bus and into the airport with just my purse and my overnight bag.  As I walked through the doors I marveled at how much easier it was to do this without pushing a stroller while carrying an overloaded backpack, a car seat and dragging a huge suitcase behind me.  I breezed through security and it all felt so familiar: the routine, the noise, the anticipation, all so much like the many other trips I've taken over the years.  I remembered how much I loved this part of my life and for a few minutes my life with Finn seemed like a dream. I miss this - the freedom, the excitement of a trip on my own.  And for a moment, I could almost make myself believe that I'd just imagined having a baby.

And then Nanny M called on FaceTime, and I got to talk to Finn over a margarita and a salad, and reality was restored.  Finn hasn't quite figured out FaceTime, but he did like making faces at me, and giving me kisses.

The flight was delayed and long, but otherwise uneventful; it was after midnight eastern time before I was in bed.  I was expecting a long, deep sleep in my quiet hotel room, but I tossed and turned all night.  I've realized that I do this most nights at home, too, anticipating Finn will be coming to bed with me.  But that's an issue for another day.  I slept horribly until - unfortunately - right before it was time for me to get up. I heard noise in the hallway, and thinking it was around 4 am, thought to look at the clock to know if it was worth trying to go back to sleep.  And it was 7:47.  The conference started at 8.  Somehow I showered and made it downstairs, got breakfast and was seated in the lecture hall by 8:10.  The conference was very well done, and I had no trouble paying attention, and that left me little time to miss Finn.  Nanny M did send me a few pictures at naptime, which made the day a little easier, too.  She assured me that Finn was fine without me, though he did keep asking for Mommy.  The conference was over at 4, and I made it back to the airport in time to get dinner and then was on a plane back home.

The plane bringing me home couldn't fly fast enough, and seemed like it took twice as long to get home as it did to get there.  As I sat on the shuttle bus taking me to my car, I had the realization that this homecoming was so different from all my return trips in the past.  Getting home was always a melancholy experience for me.  A fun trip was behind me, and all I had waiting at home for me was my two sweet, but quiet cats.  It was always on the shuttle bus that I'd start to feel sad and very alone. But this time I had Finn waiting at home for me. I already knew this, but this trip reminded me that while I do miss traveling, and I do miss my alone time, being a mommy more than makes up for the things I've given up.

Finn was sound asleep when I got home, but he came to bed around 3am (while I waited not so patiently, but I'm still hoping he'll eventually sleep through the night in his own bed, so I didn't want to bring him to bed with me before he was ready).  He grinned from ear to ear when he realized it was me in the bed, and then demanded I go get the pacifier he'd left in his bed, sending me off with a cheery "Bye!"  When I came back to bed, he curled up next to me, said, "Snuggle Mommy."  And we both went to sleep.

(Unfortunately, tonight's bedtime wasn't as easy, but again - that's an issue for another day.)

Overnighter

New slippers

I am going to Dallas tomorrow. Without Finn.  I'm worried.

Not about him - I'm worried about me!

It's only an overnight trip; I'll fly down after work, then attend a conference all day Saturday, and get home Saturday night after his bedtime.  Nanny M is staying with him, so I know he'll be fine, but I am going to miss him terribly.  I'm purposefully not taking my computer, just my iPad so I can read something for fun instead of work or parenting.  And there will be wine.  Or maybe margaritas. Or both.

This week has been hell with sleep.  I started putting him in his bed and then sitting across the room, or even right outside the room, as my next step in getting him to go to sleep on his own.  We still do the first part of our routine - brush teeth, wash face (unless it is a bath night), snuggles in my bed while we read stories, and then 5-10 minutes of rocking in the glider.  But now when I put him down, I don't stay next to him.  So while he knows I'm close by, he isn't relying on me to help him sleep.

On Monday night I put him in his bed at 8:15.  He fell asleep at 11:30.  The 3 nights since then it's been anywhere from 60-90 minutes for him to fall asleep.  And in between the getting in the bed and falling asleep, he gets out of bed.  Over and over and over again.  I'm following the Super Nanny's advice, and just walking him quietly back to bed, but there have been a few "would you please stay in bed!" and "don't get out of bed again!" moments.  He's exhausted - I'm not letting him sleep late in the morning, and Nanny M isn't letting him sleep past 3, so he's hours behind on sleep now.  I really thought tonight was going to be great, he was so tired he was asleep by 8:30.  Then I dropped the baby gate, and it was well over an hour before he was asleep again.

So while I'm really going to miss him tomorrow, I'm also really looking forward to two nights of no bedtime fights.  Nanny M might deserve an extra bonus if he's as difficult for her as he is for me, though.

The Easy Stuff First

There was a line in the Simplicity Parenting book I reviewed a few weeks ago that has really stuck with me.  I'm too lazy to look up the exact quote, so I'll paraphrase here: when faced with a huge task, start with the easiest thing first.  Once it's done, you'll have made progress, and the entire task won't seem quite so insurmountable.

He was referring to the task of implementing the Simplicity Parenting principles, but when you think about it, it's something you can apply to every day life.  And so I've really taken it to heart.  And it really does feel good to get easy things done - my to do list is shorter, and with a shorter to do list I don't feel quite so overwhelmed, and find it easier to get motivated to do the big things.  And while I'm at it, I'm trying to declutter and simplify my life as much as possible.

Overwhelmed is going to be my life for the next few months - until boards are done in October, anyway. And by then I'll hopefully be pregnant and overwhelmed in a completely different way!  I'm planning on starting to study in a few weeks, but right now I'm working on the decluttering and simplifying.

I've turned in all my stuff to my accountant for 2012's taxes (first time I haven't had to file an extension in a couple of years!) and used Heidi for her Excel skills to create a spread sheet for my medical expenses, so I can easily count those as a deduction next year.  I have folders for all the other tax stuff for this year, too, and will put things in as they come up (deductions, expenses, etc). So next year all I have to do is pull out all my folders and send it all in.  No fuss.  That was easy, and it makes me feel good to know I've got a plan for next year.

I spent my free time this weekend cleaning up my house.  Getting rid of piles of stuff, organizing papers, and moving some of Finn's toys out of the living room and into the guest bedroom.  (Rather than getting rid of all his toys, I'm going to rotate them out, so he plays with all of them more.)

It's probably at work that I feel the most overwhelmed.  I stay so far behind on all my paperwork, and every time I catch up, something happens and it throws me off track.  I had unexpected free time at work today and instead of trying to do a few charts, I cleaned off my desk.  Along with my piles of charts, I had piles of papers all over everywhere.  I went through them all, trashed a bunch, and organized the rest.  And now I have so much room to work in, I actually found myself being more productive the rest of the day.  It's a good feeling.

The truth is, I'm still pretty disorganized.  But I feel like it's more of an organized chaos, and not a free for all of madness like it was a few months ago.

This is what hit me a few days ago: this is the time in my life I have been looking forward to my entire life.  And it's not going to last long.  While it's not all slobbery kisses, silly giggles and bedtime snuggles, and even though sometimes it just really sucks, it's still pretty damn good.  I do not want to look back 15 years from now and wish that I had enjoyed it more.

There are definitely times that are so hard that you just have to make it through.  Teething, sleepless nights, sleep training, stomach bugs - there might be small moments of absolute joy in those days, but not many.  But for every really crappy day, there are really good days.  I don't want to waste those good days worrying if I'm studying enough to pass boards, or stressing about work, or feeling guilty for tasks that are long past overdue.

So I've got to get things done.  I have to continue to try to go against my nature by being organized, being on top of things, and still finding time to stop and savor the joyful, fun and poignant moments when they happen. It's going to be a work in progress.  I'm not sure what to call this work in progress, or what shape it's going to take going forward, but I'm sure I'll be sharing it with all of you!  If anyone has any book suggestions, website suggestions or just helpful tips, I'm all ears.  I might even come up with a name for this new life goal of mine.  Hmmm...if anyone has suggestions for a name, please share that, too.  :)

Sleep Training

always wakes up happy

Two weekends ago, Finn and I converted his crib to a toddler bed.  (There's nothing that will slow a project down like a toddler intent on helping.)

This was at least 6 months before I'd originally thought I'd even consider making the change, but I'd been thinking about it a lot the past few weeks.  Bedtime has been taking even longer than usual lately - Finn just can't get comfortable in my lap, but really wants to be rocked to sleep.  If I put him in his crib before he was fully asleep, he'd wake up and cry like he lost his best friend, and want me to pick him up.  But an hour of rocking to sleep every night just wasn't working, either.  So it was time to change things up.  The only thing I could think of was changing him to a toddler bed.

Helping Mommy

Saturday night (a week ago) was our first night in the toddler bed, and it was a typical night.  Rock to sleep, then in the bed.  He woke up in the middle of the night and cried for me to come get him (which of course I always do).  Sunday night we had dinner with my friend Ali, and he feel asleep on the way home, as planned. Then the cold air woke him up when I got him out of the car. I rocked him for a minute, then put him in the bed, and he woke up instantly.  After an hour of rocking, he was still awake.  And so I put him in his bed and told him it was time to sleep.  He cried for a few minutes, but I was right there, sitting next to his bed, so he finally stopped crying.  He didn't fall asleep though, and would periodically ask me to rock him.  I held firm in refusing, and ended up falling asleep on the floor while waiting for him to fall asleep.  I woke up after 11:30, and he was finally asleep.  A three hour bedtime wasn't the best way to start our toddler bed experience.

Giving Mickey pre-nap kisses

First nap in the big boy bed

The second night was better.  I rocked him for 15 minutes, and then put him in the bed.  He cried for a few minutes, then turned over and fell asleep within 10 minutes.  Every night since then has been fairly similar.  He likes to ask me to lie down with him - I put my head down on the bed for a few minutes - and sometimes takes a while to actually fall asleep.  But it has cut down the the average time it takes him to fall asleep, and I can see how I can now start to gradually move away from the bed while he's falling asleep, to the point that one day I might be able to put him down and *gasp* actually leave the room.

It took him 3 nights to figure out that he didn't have to wait for me to come get him when he woke up, and another night after that to realize that he didn't have to cry about it, either.  Now I usually wake up as he comes padding into my room, and once woke up to the sound of his breathing as he stared at me over the edge of the bed.  He usually falls asleep as soon as I pick him up, and it's much easier for me to fall back to sleep since I don't have to get out of bed myself.  Friday and Saturday night he didn't come to bed with me until after 5am!

Daylight saving time definitely threw a wrench into our sleep training.  It took an hour for him to fall asleep on Sunday night, last night Nanny M rocked him to sleep (I worked late) and tonight I rocked him to sleep again, too.  I'm hoping he adjusts to the new time quickly, and we can get back on track.

I think we've finally found something that will get him on a sleep regimen we can both live with.  And while we're working on it, at least he always wakes up happy.

Donor Selection - Done!

I decided on my donor today.

After picking out a sperm donor 3 years ago, I thought this would be easy.

It was not.

When I chose my sperm donor, I first narrowed it down to donors with coloring similar to mine, then focused mainly on their profiles.  I though the childhood picture of my donor was cute but it was his profile that sold me.  When looking at donors this time, though, my primary focus was on their pictures.

This weekend, with the help of my sister and my friend Jennie, I narrowed the choices down to two, and sent in my selection.  Choice A had one picture - she was a cute little girl with blonde hair and her smile looked like mine.  Her grades were ok, she didn't have much interesting to say, but her picture was cute.  Choice B had absolutely adorable pictures, with a chin shaped like Finn's.  I liked her profile, she sounded fun - and a little stubborn.

This morning I heard from the donor coordinator, and I asked her which donor looked more like me (they have adult pictures to look at).  She said Choice A has a smile and eyes like mine, but her face shape is different, as is her nose.  Choice B was from a different site (RBA has several different donor sites), and so she'd have to contact that donor coordinator to find out about her.  In the meantime, she very sweetly reminded me that genetics are weird, and even with my own eggs, there's no guarantee that my child would look anything like me.  Which of course I know, but it would be nice if people could look at us and know we were related, especially since Finn looks so  much like me.

I'd pretty much decided on Choice A when I got another email from my coordinator.  She'd talked with the other coordinator, who said that there was some resemblance between me and Donor B, but when she looked at my adult picture, she immediately thought of Donor C.

So of course I immediately logged in to the donor bank (at work) and looked her up.  Her pictures were cute, but I didn't feel that instant connection that I did with the other two donors.  And then I read her profile. I loved it. I love what she said about why she decided to be a donor, and what she'd like the potential recipients to know.  I loved that reading was her favorite activity as a child and that The Boxcar Children were her favorite books.  I love that reading is still one of her favorite activities, and how she describes herself as compassionate, honest, sensible and loving.

That's when I realized that all I knew about Donor A was that she had decent grades and wanted to go on a cruise to the Caribbean.  And I ruled her out, from first place to last, right then, in between seeing patients.  I looked at Donor B's profile again, and I really liked it, too.  She likes to scuba dive and watch movies, she liked silly books as a child, and she describes herself as independent and resourceful.

I looked at their vital states.  Donor B is 5'3 and 150 pounds.  Donor C is 5'7 and 115 pounds.  (While I'm 5'4, and just about 150 pounds.)  They were both proven donors.

I was torn.  I texted Jennie, and luckily she was free to look with me.  She liked Donor C, too, but also liked Donors A and B.  So I thought more about their vital stats.  And I reread their profiles.  And I agonized some more.  Jennie chimed in and told me I should go with Donor C. She really liked her profile, too.

And so, I decided on Donor C.  I didn't feel a connection with her picture at first, but she is adorable.  She's taller and thinner (which, less face it, is a big deal).  The donor coordinator thinks she looks like me.  She loves to read.  I took a deep breath and made it official; I faxed in my donor confirmation forms before lunch.

And now I'm having a little bit of buyer's remorse.  Did I make the right decision?  Most people fall in love (or sleep around) as their way of choosing 50% of their child's genetic make-up.  I'd already bucked that trend by throwing a party to help me choose that first 50%, and now I'm responsible for choosing the other 50%, too.  I hope I made the right choice!  I think I did, but would one of the other two have been better?  What if I don't get pregnant?  What will I do then?

I keep looking at her pictures, and they're really growing on me. I can see myself in her face, and I can see Finn, too.  And I keep reminding myself of the advice I got when I was looking at donor sperm, and that I now share with others: "You will love any child you get, no matter who the donors are."  I know that's true.  And I think that my child will someday appreciate that I decided on her (or his) donor because of who she is, and not just what she looks like.

Now I just have to arrange to get my last two vials of Finn's donor shipped to Atlanta, and then I'm all ready for May!  Holy cow, I can't believe I'm really going to do this.

Simplicity Parenting

When I saw the title of this month's PAIL book club book, I couldn't resist.  Simplicity Parenting. I didn't even read the blurb about the book before signing up - it sounded like something I need, right this very second. As a single mom of a 21 month old, I think what I got out of this book is much different than what someone who has older children would, and can see how this will be a book I need to read again in 4-5 years.

The first chapter of this book really spoke to me.  The author, Kim John Payne, asks parents to remember what they thought life would be like with children:

As parents, we don't often get to live the ideals.  Not a spectator sport, parenting is about being in the thick of it.  We may be the architects of our family's daily lives, but it's hard to draw blueprints of something that is constantly changing and growing.  With kids you don't have much time to dream, and most parents are surprised by how far they've strayed from the dreams they once had for their family.  It's true, they had sketchy data at the time.   

Even if some of the details were unrealistic, your dreams about your family had truth to them. They had meaning and still do. They show what you valued most when you began this huge undertaking, this family-building.  What inspired you then can inspire you still.  It has to; families need fresh infusions of hope and imagination.  

 I love this.

Even without crazy schedules and an overstressed child, I found this book to be very grounding.  I've been so focused on paying the bills, going to work every day, on trying to get pregnant with Baby #2, on trying to learn to cook, that I sometimes forget that my dreams for my family was not to have the biggest house, the nicest furniture, the most toys.  My dreams for my family was to have home be a safe haven, and our free time full of simple adventures - rambles in the woods and cookie making in the kitchen (with the occasional amazing vacation thrown in for good measure).  My dreams also included messy living rooms and sleepless nights - you don't go through fertility treatments as a single woman without doing some real research.  :)

This book outlines the ways we as parents can simplify our children's lives (and our lives), making childhood the protected space it should be.  Each chapter covers a different aspect of that simplification - for example he encourages parents to look at their children's schedules and make time for planned downtime in the midst of soccer practice, homework and playdates.  Other areas of simplification include home environment (think toys, screen time) and nutrition. It's not an overnight process, and for me I can see that it will be more a work in progress, with some things I can easily implement now, while others are for me to incorporate into our lives as it becomes necessary.

I'm glad I took a few hours to read this book over the past two weeks.  I hope to incorporate a lot of his strategies for simplification into our lives as Finn (and hopefully baby #2) grow up.  It's helped me remember what my dreams for my family were when I was just imagining what it would be like to have children.