Settling In

Breakfast in the new house

I can not believe how absolutely exhausted I am.  Beyond exhausted.  And yet so full of gratitude for the blessings of wonderful friends who have made a difficult few weeks so much better than they could have been.

I somehow managed to forget how physically draining the last month of pregnancy can be.  Or maybe I didn't realize, because last time I had nothing going on and was able to rest every evening.  This time I had the move, a toddler, and I was on call (rounding at the hospital) all week this past week.  I worked on unpacking for about 2 hours this morning and was then so overwhelmed with feeling exhausted and horrible that I let Finn watch tv for 2 hours while I sprawled on the couch next to him.  I've taken it much easier the rest of the day, and while I didn't get even half the stuff on my list done, I feel much better, so I think I've made the right choice to be mostly lazy today.

The hardest thing about today was that I ran out of my long acting insulin last night - I had enough for about 1/3 of my dose.  I can't believe I did that, and yet I shouldn't be surprised, as I've felt like a zombie all week.  But my blood sugars did great until supper, when I overate just a little, and didn't take my lack of long acting insulin into account when I took a little mealtime insulin to cover the overeating.  And so my sugar has been high for 2 hours, and I'm feeling SO guilty.  These last two weeks are the time that determine how Chimi will do after delivery, and I hate that I've had a high blood sugar less than 13 days before his delivery.  I'll have to be absolutely perfect between now and delivery...I can do it!  I've gained one pound since the beginning of October, most (but not all) of my blood sugars are good, and in less than two weeks I can eat ANYthing I want.  I will be perfect for the next 13 days, and just suck it up.  But I still feel guilty about today.

Finn has adjusted really well to the new house.  He talks about our "little house" a little, but doesn't seem to miss it too much.  There's just so much room for him to run around, and now that most of his toys are unpacked, he's happy, despite the miserable weather making it hard to get outside. We've met some neighbors already, and I'm looking forward to better weather so we can meet more.  He has spent two entire nights in his bed, and when he does come to bed with me, it's rarely before 3am (much better than at the old house).  He was pretty sleep deprived when we first moved in, though, and I don't think he's settled in enough to get over that just yet.  I'm hoping he sleeps a little late in the morning and then naps well for me tomorrow, too, as that's all it would take to get him back on track, I think.

If I can keep up with just a box or two a day, I might just have the house at a point I can live with before Chimi arrives.

*The rest of this (very long) blog entry is more to help me remember the past few weeks - feel free to skip right over it, as it's probably not all that interesting to anyone but me.*

The short of how horrible the move was - the movers didn't finish packing my house on Thursday like they were supposed to do (and what they did pack was poorly labeled, if labeled at all, and frequently several different rooms objects were/are in one box).  So they had to pack on Friday, and as a result we didn't leave the old house until after 4pm, and after a much-too-long stop to empty my storage unit, we didn't get to the new house until 6:45pm.  Which means they left the new house at 11pm.  This from the highest rated moving company on Angi.e's Li.st.  At least they were until I put my review on there.

Unpacking has been a chore, complicated by the poor labeling of all the boxes, and the fact that Saturday morning after the move I realized that all the dining room furniture was in the wrong place, and so nothing from that room could be unpacked.  Since they labeled everything from the dining room as kitchen, there are a lot of partially opened boxes sitting around.

But here's the good part - Saturday morning two of my amazing coworkers (the other doctor who was taking her boards with me this past fall and the head of our diabetes center) showed up with breakfast and stayed ALL day to help me unpack.  We got just about everything in the kitchen put away (minus the still missing crockpot, aluminum foil and dish towels), as well as Finn's room and bathroom.  Another friend showed up in the late afternoon to make the process even easier, and we even rearranged boxes so the living space downstairs was useable.

The rest of the weekend and the next week was full of me gradually getting boxes in my bedroom unpacked, my bathroom settled, and then I decided that I'd move one piece of furniture from the living room to the dining room by myself.  A few dents and one huge bruise later, it was moved, and I was able to unpack a bunch more boxes.

And thanks to all this, I had a night of some fairly strong contractions and a lot of nausea, and decided that maybe I should not work quite so hard.

So the unpacking is going more slowly, but I'm making progress.  The same coworker who spent all of our first Saturday here came by with her husband last weekend and put together the crib, and today my assistant and one of the lab techs came with their big burly husbands to move the rest of the furniture in my dining room.  I still have a few projects I can't do on my own, but nothing that can't wait a few months.  And now I have things arranged so that I can get most of the boxes out of my living room and dining room over the next few days.  Maybe.

2013 - A Year in Transit

It feels like all of 2013 has been a year in transit. Not transition, but actually transit, as almost everything I've done has been working towards something, rather than actually getting somewhere. And it's been a ridiculously long year as I'm pretty sure this pregnancy has lasted at least 18 months already.  When I look back, I can't believe how much has been crammed into one year.  I don't know that I can say 2013 has been a good year, but I've been very blessed this year, and I'm hopeful that everything that's happened this year is setting things up for an amazing 2014.

While awake in the middle of the night with some fun pregnancy insomnia a few nights ago, I made a mental list of all the big things that have happened this year, and I think I need to write them down here so I can remember what a crazy year this has been.

• Learned my last attempt at IUI hadn't worked, despite lots of supplements and dietary changes to promote fertility
• Decided to skip IVF with my OE due to low chance of it working, and made the decision to go with donor eggs
• Struggled with learning how to parent my two year old - it's still a challenge, but I feel like I've finally figured out a few things that work well with us, and am better able to avoid some of the meltdowns and fights that were so rough earlier in the year
• Said good-bye to my sweet Vagus on the same day that a sperm met an egg and became my Chimichanga
• Took lots of hormones to prepare for embryo transfer and was thrilled to get a BFP!
• Endured a miserable first trimester with bone deep fatigue and crippling nausea that felt like it would never end
• Was disappointed to learn that my second baby was going to be another boy, and then suddenly found myself having a hard time imagining life any other way, and feeling so happy and excited to be welcoming another boy into the family
• Studied long hours to recertify in endocrinology and then waited months before learning that I'd lucked out and managed to pass
• Decided that boards, a two year old, and pregnancy weren't enough to occupy me for the second half of the year, and signed a contract to build a house
• Today, the last day of the year, I officially closed on my new house!

For years I've dreamed of being the mom to two kids in a warm and inviting house in a nice little neighborhood.  I can't believe that as of next Friday I'll be in that house, and just 4 weeks later I'll be welcoming my second child into the world.  I know that there are going to be some really hard days ahead, and that 8 weeks from now I might be a frazzled, sleep deprived, sobbing mess with unwashed hair and two screaming children.  But even then, I'll be a contented, frazzled, sobbing mess. At least I hope I will be. I hope I can remember how much I've longed for this life, and I hope I can be patient with myself as a mom and a person as I learn to parent two children as a single mom.  

Wishing all of you a wonderful 2014, with love, happiness, fertility and children who sleep through the night.  

Crazily, Wonderfully, Exhaustingly Busy!

Busy seems to be the theme of my life this year, but right now it's a wonderful kind of busy.  It helps, I think, that earlier in the year the busy was unpleasant and stressful - it puts the craziness of right now in perspective.  It's nice, having a lot going on, but feeling full of anticipation and excitement about it, instead of soul-eating anxiety.

So, for the updates.  First - I found out this week that I passed my boards!  Such a huge relief!  I could not get the thought out of my mind that I'd failed and that I'd have to do the studying all over again, but this time with a toddler and an infant.  It's an amazing weight off my shoulder to know that I don't have to worry about boards again for another 10 years.

My house is moving right along - I visited today with my friend LB and her kids, and was amazed at the progress.  The countertops for the bathroom and the upstairs carpet still need to go in, along with a lot of finishing touches, a coat of paint, and cleaning - but it's really starting to look like a real house.  The kids had a wonderful time, running through the house like maniacs, and I started to really visualize where furniture is going to go and what it will be like to move in.  A lot of people commented on how big my house is - and it is, it's double the size of the house I'm in now.  But it's also the smallest model in the entire development, which for some reason had me thinking it's smaller than it really is.  Walking through it I'm reminded again that it is huge.  I'm going to have a lot of empty space for awhile, but after living so cramped the past few years, I think empty space is a good thing.

Move in date is fast approaching - my final walk through is scheduled for Christmas Eve, and closing is scheduled for New Year's Eve!  I have movers booked to pack us up on January 9th, and to move on the 10th.  In the meantime, I'm getting a few boxes here and there packed - next on my list is to box up newborn essentials like nursing pillows, breast pump, and that sort of thing.  The more I can get packed, the cheaper the move will be, but my first choice moving company actually gave me a quote that was less than I'd budgeted for, so I'm not going to stress about it.

I have a list of things I need to do before moving - big purchases to make, projects (like landscaping and having blinds installed) to arrange for - but I've realized that it all doesn't have to be done now, and while it's going to be hard, I think I can get everything done that needs to be done before we move, and the rest will fall into place after that.  At least I hope it does!

I start my twice a week OB appointments tomorrow (I'll have a biophysical profile one day, and a non-stress test the other), which are another side effect of my gestational diabetes.  I was annoyed at first, because I'm going to have to take so much time off from work because of these appointments.  But then I decided to just bring a book and enjoy the rare downtime while I can.

My c-section is scheduled for just under 8 weeks from now - I got the date I really wanted: 2/7/14.  Of course, Chimichanga may decide to come before then, but if all goes as planned, we'll have 4 weeks in the new house before bringing a new baby home.

Reading back over this post, I'm realizing just how profoundly my life is about to change.  It's wonderful.  Terrifying, but wonderful.  My upcoming move date is exactly one year to the date that I got the BFN after my last failed IUI cycle.

What a difference a year makes.

(I feel like I need to add the disclaimer that I'm aware that a LOT could happen to derail these plans, but I've decided to stick my head in the sand and ignore those worries and just enjoy the craziness instead!)

Name and House Updates

Thank you for all the great name suggestions!  There were a lot I liked and a few I loved, but with every single one I thought, "I still like Zachary better."  So while it's not set in stone, I'm pretty sure it's going to be his name.  (Oh, and Isis was right, I do have a nephew named Oliver.  Finn and Ollie are VERY cute together!)

I'm still stuck on a middle name, though.  I don't have any one who I'd like to name him after, but I still really want a name that has meaning.  I like the idea of finding a name that has a meaning I really like, so I'll be spending some time on the baby name websites looking for one syllable names with a sound and meaning that I really like.

(Though in the back of my mind, I'm still thinking of Sawyer as a first name.  But Finn and Sawyer?  That's just a little too Mark Twain.  Right?)

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My new house is still being built at record speed.  The drywall is up, and they started on the siding a few days ago.  I can't believe how much has changed in just a few short weeks.  If they can continue to work at this pace, it really will be ready by the end of the year (which is next month, can you believe it?)

Finn standing in the kitchen wondering where the sink is

Once I move, I'm really going to have to work on expanding my social circle.  I'm not very good at doing that, as I tend to be very reserved when I first meet people, and that doesn't make it easy to develop new friendships.  I hope it will be easier when there are children involved, but I think I'm going to have to work on not being so reserved when I first meet people...without seeming overly enthusiastic and scaring them off.  I'm so jealous of people who are naturals at the whole social scene thing.

Moving - Part 2

One of my favorite things in life is travel.  I love exploring new places, to find myself a little nervous being somewhere completely foreign, to have my camera out as I capture the new sights around me.

Somehow I've never fully realized that despite this love of exploration, I'm really a huge homebody. And I'm strongly affected by where I live.  The past few years have been rough, but somehow it seems as though it's been even harder because my house isn't what I really want.  It's not awful - it's small and cramped, a little dark, and did I mention cramped? But I have nice neighbors (even though my nanny is better friends with them and has more in common with them than I do, they all love Finn and are always very friendly to me) and Finn definitely feels like this is home, even if I don't.

And that not feeling at home in my own home is part of what has made these past few years even harder than they should be. It's definitely been a drain on me emotionally, not ever feeling truly comfortable where I'm living, and it's been a surprise to me to realize how much it bothers me.  I was first resigned to the idea of living here with two kids, until I realized that there just isn't room.  And then I was resigned to the thought of hunting for another rental and making another move to a temporary home that just wasn't home.  I owe too much on my condo to buy a new home, and couldn't fathom a way to buy a new home until it sold.

Then I had the amazing luck of getting a lot more extra income than usual thanks to a lot of unexpected speaking engagements.  Then one of my coworkers told me about a loan program at a local bank for doctors. Both of these things suddenly made what seemed to be impossible actually possible.  I could buy a house after all.

I knew where I wanted to move - an area about 40 minutes from where I am now (but still just 30 minutes or so from work) with lower taxes, better schools and much lower home prices than where I am now (it's in a neighboring state, which explains how all this is possible).  I started to look at homes and couldn't find anything that matched what I was looking for, nothing in my price range anyway.  Until I expanded my search radius by just a mile, and found a new home community that was just starting to sell homes.  I went to their grand opening weekend, and found the exact floor plan I was looking for at a price that was actually less than my budget, so I could afford a few nice upgrades.  When does something like this ever happen?  It's certainly not the sort of thing that usually happens to me!  So I've been hesitant to post about it here, for fear that something would fall through.

It didn't go smoothly at first.  After signing the contract it took weeks and weeks to get everything finalized so they could start building.  And I started to worry that maybe it really was too good to be true.  But finally everything was finalized and they were able to start building.

New home site - a week after signing the contract

Now here it is, the middle of November, and I had my pre-drywall walk through this week.  My house has a foundation, walls, a roof, electrical wiring, plumbing and as of the past few days, insulation.  Drywall is next week, and they're projecting a closing date by the end of the year.

Same location - this past weekend

It's going to be stressful, as I'll likely move in a month before Chimi is born, and so will still have unpacked boxes galore and won't feel truly settled.  But I'll be able to have a big boy room for Finn, and a true nursery for Chimi, as well as a comfortable guest bedroom for my amazing friends who will be coming to help out.  And it just makes me happy deep in my soul to imagine bringing Chimi home to a place I truly feel is home, rather than to this house that I'm in now.

This would not have been possible if I'd chosen a more expensive home to rent, or if I hadn't lucked out with more talks than usual, or hadn't had a partner at work who was also looking to buy a home and had the time to do research into loans.  I'm feeling pretty damn lucky right now.  It's a nice way to feel - I hope it continues!