Happy New Year!

When I was a kid, I always got the post-Christmas blues.  The magic and wonder was over, and it was such a let down.  Especially since it was also time to face a long winter of school and drudgery.

As I got older, the holidays were always just a little sad to begin with.  Each year I'd imagine that next year would be the year I'd finally be in a serious relationship, and then I even let myself imagine that I was just a few years away from having little ones of my own to celebrate with.  And each year I was disappointed.  At least until 6 years ago, that is, when I gave up on finding Mr. Right and took my first dose of Clomid ever on New Year's Eve, and one year after that, when I was finally pregnant with Finn.

I haven't felt any of that let down this year.  I've been chronically exhausted since Thanksgiving, but have had tons of stuff packed into the holidays and managed to get a good amount of shopping and decorating done without losing my mind. We didn't do everything I'd hoped to do, but I am pretty satisfied that this year I made Christmas a memorable and magical one for my boys - not because of the presents, but because of the season itself.

However, this past week I've watched Finn as he struggles with the same post-Christmas funk that I used to always get.  I got him to help me take down our outdoor Christmas lights, and that took the sting out of that.  But he's really resisting taking down Christmas inside.  So tonight, after bed, I got a lot of things put away - most everything that's not the trees, mantle or the Christmas village is safely stowed away. He's going to help me tomorrow - though I think I might give in and leave a few things out for a while if he asks again.

Before heading upstairs to bed tonight, I took one long look at my mantle, lit by just the lights of the Christmas tree.  And I looked at the two stockings hanging there.

"Finnegan" "Zachary"

And out of no where I started to cry. I am so very lucky. And oh my gosh it goes so fast.  If only there were a way to make it all slow down, just a little.  Well, maybe not all of it.  Some of it really sucks.  But the good stuff, the magic stuff, the every day mundane sticky kisses and sly grins - I want to savor that slowly, enjoying every last minute.

Happy 2016!

Happy Christmas!

It's Christmas night - the end of a lovely, crazy, stressful, funny Christmas. Two exhausted, slightly sticky and very happy boys are snug in their beds as the air conditioner runs so they don't sweat too much in their fuzzy Christmas pjs.

Sitting in my living room by the light of our Christmas tree, snuggled with the dog and under the watchful eye of Darth Vader, I thought about writing a post about our Christmas holiday.

But instead, I started giggling at all the questions I've been asked by a little 4 year old over the past week, at bedtime and in the middle of the night.

Can grasshoppers jump as high as people can?

Can you still breathe in heaven?

How can you walk if one leg is shorter than the other?

What date are you going to heaven?

Why did Grandma watch tv all day long today?

How did they put Han Solo in that carbonite?  How come you don't know how?

How does Santa know if we're awake or not?

Why don't we see Santa if we're outside when he comes?

Why did Fergus (our elf) leave last night? Why didn't he stay until tonight? How did he tell Santa that I was good yesterday?

When I turn 5 am I going to a new school?  What's the name of my new school? Why do I have to go to kindergarten?

Can I keep my Christmas tree up all year?

Does Santa really have kids? How come you don't know?

The questions never stop.  Ever. As half of those were in the middle of the night, I can't even say that they stop when he's asleep. I just wish I was able to give him more answers.

Worst Vacation Ever

That title might be a slight exaggeration, as my entire week of vacation didn't suck, but the first half did.  Within hours of getting to my parents' house last Saturday afternoon, I got sick.  I started with a fever, then diarrhea, then more fever, whole body aches, more diarrhea, and then vomiting and more fever.  I can't remember when I last felt so bad, and most of the first few days were a blur. On Tuesday morning, I did something I've never done before - I went to the ER.  Luckily it wasn't too terribly busy, so I was back in room with an IV and nausea meds within an hour.  I got two liters of fluid, some more nausea medications and was sent home feeling a little less like I was about to die.

My family watched Finn for me while I felt so awful, of course, but Zachary was still mostly dependent on me, as he had meltdowns whenever I left the room.  Amazingly I only had one day that my milk supply seemed compromised, and that was the day I felt the worst.  I suspect the IV fluids contributed to boosting my supply back.

By Christmas Day I was back to feeling normal, and even joined the family for dinner for the first time all week.  The last few days of vacation were what I had hoped for - time to visit with my sister and her family who I have missed so very much, and the joy of watching our boys play together.

Christmas stockings

I do feel somewhat rested...as rested as a person can feel after a week of sharing a creaky double bed with two boys, that is.  The entire week Zachary was not able to self soothe any time he woke up, which has me worried, but a few minutes ago he woke up crying and put himself right back to sleep, so I'm hoping he's back on track now that we're home.

It's almost the end of December, and I've barely posted any of my 365 project pictures this month.  I'll fix that before the end of the year!  In the meantime, I'm going to go take advantage of my soft (but crowded) bed and and get some sleep.

cousins ready for an expedition

digging in the sand

the best pic I could get of the 3 of us

beach baby

me and my sis

Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve

This Christmas season has been magical.  Finn loves the lights, the tree, the music, the stories, the movies, and Fergus the Elf on the Shelf (who was moved more than once at 2am when I woke up and realized he wasn't moved yet).  Tonight as I picked him up to put him to bed, he wrapped his arms and legs around me, put his head on my shoulder and let me just hold him.  Then I said, "Merry Christmas, Finnegan" and he pulled his head back and said, "Merry Christmas to you, Mommy, I love you."

Best moment of the day.

We had a good day, but it could have been better and easier. I learned a lot today about how to manage a day like Christmas with a toddler.  Again, it wasn't a bad day, but it felt a lot more difficult than it needed to, if only I'd thought ahead.  I'm going to put it all in this post so I remember it next year.

The very first present he opened was a tool bench from my assistant - he immediately wanted to put it together and play with it.  My dad tried to argue with him, and that quickly led to tears, until I stepped in and told Finn he could play with whatever he wanted.  So Finn played while we opened gifts, and then he opened something else and played, and then he started to get grumpy, as it was now 1.5 hours after he normally eats breakfast and food was no where in sight.  My mom had planned a yummy post-presents breakfast of french toast casserole, eggs and bacon.  Perfect for an adult Christmas morning, but not when there's a toddler involved.  I grabbed him a snack, which he ate while busily working with his tools.  When we finally did eat breakfast, he wasn't really hungry for anything but bacon, but the break from gifts was a welcome one.  After breakfast, my parents kept pressuring him to open presents, and it was driving me crazy.  He was having a wonderful time, and we weren't working on any sort of timeline...I kept asking them them to just stop, but they just wouldn't listen.  He opened his last gift at 2pm, and played with everything, and that was just perfect.

Tool bench

Virginia football!

I then took him for a quiet time drive, and he napped just a little, and then we came home and enjoyed Christmas movies and more playing with his tool bench and his rocket launcher. At one point he came running at me and gave me a huge hug, "I love my rocket, Mommy!  Thank you for getting it for me."  I did remind him that it was from his Aunt Heidi, but I'm still pretty sure I'm getting the credit for this one.  We had a lovely Christmas dinner that (for a change) was early enough for Finn to be happy, and then our sweet, quiet bedtime.

Rocket launcher in action

So here's what I would have done differently, and what I plan to do next year.  First, I'll let him open a few more presents early.  All the gifts that get mailed by friends and family will be opened as they come, and we'll open a couple on Christmas Eve.  Then, on Christmas morning we'll have Santa gifts, followed by serving a breakfast of finger foods that we can eat while opening the rest of the gifts.  If my parents are here, I'll tell them that there is no rush on opening gifts, and that they are not to badger him to open more if he's happily playing with something.  This morning would have been fabulous if we'd had food while we opened gifts and I'd not had to intervene every time my parents tried to get him to open more presents.

I'll also make sure that he naps on Christmas Eve as well.  The drive today was a lesson learned from yesterday, and while all I really wanted was to nap myself, the drive was the only way to get him to have any sleep at all, and it made the rest of the day so much better.

This morning, Finn was disappointed to learn that Santa had come and gone and he didn't see him.  It never occurred to me that Finn would think he was going to see Santa, so next year I'll make sure he really understands.  He did cheer up a little when I told him that Santa had left him presents, and eaten  all his cookies.

What do you mean, Santa is gone?

I wanted to see him.

He left me presents?

I hope you all have had a wonderful holiday season and enjoyed some quality time with those who mean the most to you.  And for those of you still waiting, I hope that next year brings you your own miracles.

Christmas Traditions

I had it in mind that this year we'd start all sorts of Christmas traditions.  We'd do crafts, we'd go to all the usual Christmas activities, we'd have hot chocolate, take pictures and make amazing memories.

What I'd forgotten in this fantasy of sugar plums dancing in our heads was that Finn is a toddler.  Just leaving the house can be a struggle of epic proportions. He can make putting a shirt on so hard that I want to just give up and let him go naked. How on earth can we accomplish any of these amazing things on my Christmas list without every single one of them turning into a nightmare?

And then one of my SMC friends shared this article: To Mamas of Littles During the Holidays.  The entire thing is great, but there are a few lines that had the biggest impact for me.

Your small people who make everything hard? Because God is a gracious God to us tired mamas, they won’t remember this. They won’t remember that you yelled yesterday. They also won’t remember the Elf on the Shelf or the terrifying visit to Santa’s lap from your list of Fun Things To Accomplish. Nope. They’re just going to remember a warm, fuzzy, maybe slightly squishy version of Mama. They’re going to remember you were THERE. 

So I've given myself permission to not do all those activities.  We'll still make cookies, but only if we're both in good moods, and when I'm prepared for a long activity with a huge mess and lots of "I want to do it, all. by. myself." We'll try for the picture with Santa, but if he says he doesn't want it (like he did last week), then we'll skip it. Today when I'd planned to get all the Christmas decorating done, we made it through getting the tree up, but no ornaments, and got one box of decorations out.  Then Finn started to get difficult, so we put on a Christmas movie for 15 minutes, then went outside, and left the rest for me to do tonight.  Or tomorrow.

Playing with his Christmas train

We had a lovely bedtime - we read Christmas stories, sang a few Christmas songs (he's been waiting and waiting for Thanksgiving just so he could listen to Christmas music!) and cuddled a bit before bed. He's still awake, mainly because I broke my rule and let him nap for 2 hours instead of 1, but because we didn't have epic struggles over broken ornaments and placement of the Nativity Scene, I've got the patience not to yell at him, and he will hopefully remember a cuddly evening with his slightly squishy mommy.

Now I'm continuing my personal Christmas tradition, and have Love Actually playing, which means it's time to get up and trim the tree.

Christmas Follies

Finn and I were on our own for Christmas this year. My sister was out of town with her husband's family, and my parents stayed in Florida so my grandmother wouldn't be alone on Christmas Day, so it was just the two of us.

We invited ourselves over to my friend Lisa's house on Christmas Eve - only they had plans with her extended family in the evening, so we ended up just going over there for a few hours in the afternoon.  Finn had been out of sorts most of the day, and when we got to Lisa's he started to feel warm.  Even though he knows her family he clung to me for the first little bit.  And then finally Lisa convinced him to come to her - and he fell asleep within 5 minutes of being in her arms.  He definitely had a fever when we got home, so he had a dose of ibuprofen and was off to bed.

Sound asleep on Aunt Lisa

By the time he went to bed, the headache I'd been nursing all day turned into a full blown migraine. The kind that lasts for days, keeps me from sleeping and makes me feel awful.  So I pulled out the last ox.ycodone I had left from after my c-section and used it.  OMG.  That stuff is amazing. I have never had anything break a headache like that did.  I was able to sleep, and woke up Christmas morning with a sore neck, but no headache at all. That never happens. Must get a primary care doctor so I can myself some of those!  LOL  Finn got another dose of ibuprofen in the middle of the night when he was burning up again, but woke up fairly happy on Christmas morning.  I'd planned on us cuddling in bed for a bit, but I had a feeling his good mood wasn't going to last, so we went downstairs for presents.

I'm not sure he really got the concept, and without other kids to fuel the excitement, it was a pretty low key Christmas morning.  He loved his shirts from Santa and his Mickey Mouse pjs from Aunt Heidi, and while he wasn't too into them then, has played with his new car ramp and fire truck a lot today.  I had a few presents to open, too. After Finn didn't buy me anything for Christmas last year, I wised up and gave money to Nanny M for Finn to pick out a gift for me.  She said that she took him around Target, and when he saw my gift he pointed to it and said, "Mama!" I haven't taken a picture of them yet, but he got me a very pretty pair of earrings.  And some chocolate.  I also got some yummy lotion from Heidi and very cool statue that a friend of mine from med school made for me.  He's so talented!

Opening his first present

Mickey PJs

His stocking is as big as he is

Mommy and son statue

Finn was feverish and fussy most of the rest of the day, but my friend LB still insisted that we come over.  Unfortunately, I hadn't talked with her about what her plans for us were on Christmas day, and so I was surprised when we talked that morning to learn that she was planning on having us eat Christmas dinner at 2pm. Smack in the middle of Finn's naptime.  With him being sick, there was no way I was going to wake him up, so I ended up eating my Christmas dinner at her kitchen counter at 4:30 that afternoon while she prepared for a Christmas open house with her family about an hour later.  I hadn't planned on staying, but Finn seemed ok, and I felt rude leaving right when everyone got there, so I stayed for a couple of hours and then headed home.

It wasn't a bad Christmas - how could it be with Finn?  But it wasn't a great one.  It felt awfully lonely at times.  I'm so glad my parents are here now, and we have plans for a big family Christmas gathering with my sister and her family this weekend.  Let's hope everyone is healthy!

****

I had my (totally unnecessary) CD8 ultrasound and labs today.  I always have a cyst on my right ovary. It always measures about 18mm at the baseline scan, and then goes up to 23mm by CD10.  This cycle I also still have a smaller cyst left over from my IUI cycle in September to go along with it.  So today when we saw a 23mm and a 17mm "follicle" on the right, and two others around 12-14mm, I was quick to say those were my two old friends, the cysts.  The ultrasound tech agreed with me, but the nurse did not. She insisted the 23mm was a follicle and I should be prepared for an IUI on Friday.  I insisted she was wrong, so we agreed to wait for my labs.

I left feeling pretty bummed.  Not only was I worried I was going to have an IUI too soon, but my left ovary was completely quiet.  NOTHING going on.  My left ovary was the one that gave me Finn, and the first two cycles that didn't work when trying for him, my left ovary was quiet then, too.  Of course, my left ovary has been going to town with follicles the past two IUI cycles and no pregnancy, but I have it in my head that I'll only get pregnant with an egg from the right, so I'm a little discouraged.

But anyway.  Around 12:30, as I'm standing in line to get my lowish carb burrito bowl, I get the call from the nurse.  "Your estradiol is rising, but still not high enough, so you'll take 2 more doses of Gonal-F and come back for more labs and a scan on Friday." CD10.  The day I should have gone in for my ultrasound in the first place.  I was so busy not saying "I told you so" that I forgot to ask what my estradiol level actually was.  They're still concerned about this right cyst and so asked me to do an OPK tomorrow morning and call them if it's positive.  But I'm not wasting my money.  I've got no cervical mucous changes, it's only CD9 tomorrow, I've never gotten a positive OPK reading in the past, and I'm just positive that I'm not ovulating.  This cycle is already my most expensive IUI cycle on record, I really don't want to throw more money away.

So I'm guessing I'll be told to trigger on Friday night for an IUI on Sunday.  I'm not sure if I'm feeling all that optimistic, but I think maybe there's a chance this will work.  Oh, I hope it does.

****
Finally, Finn's next MRI is tomorrow.  He had a fever again this afternoon, so I'm hoping that's all gone now.  I hate MRI days.

Merry CD3!

It's just a few days before Christmas.  Thank goodness Finn is too little to really understand, because I'm just not ready.  There are about 20 ornaments on the tree...and the tree is probably safest that way.  I still have gifts to get (shopping with a toddler the weekend before Christmas is going to be so much fun!) My house is messy.  I never did get Christmas cards ordered, much less sent- though I did get stamps.  (I like to think of that purchase as getting prepared for next year already.)

But Finn is in awe of the lights.  He loves our tree, and the lights I cursed as put them up outside our house are now one of his favorite good night sights.  He walks around saying, "ho, ho, ho" and has no idea the tree is mostly bare.  And he certainly doesn't care if all the Christmas shopping is done, or that the presents aren't wrapped yet.  

yes, that's the ghost on the upstairs porch

We are having a very low key Christmas this year.  My sister is out of town with her family.  My parents are getting here the day after Christmas, as they're spending Christmas with my grandmother in Florida.   So we're going to spend Christmas Eve afternoon with my friend Lisa's family, and Christmas Day afternoon/evening with LB's family.  Christmas morning will be just the two of us.  LB invited us to spend the night on Monday night, so we could all have Christmas morning together, and I did consider her offer.  But there's something magical about spending Christmas morning together, just the two of us.  It won't be an exciting Christmas morning.  But it will be cozy and sweet.  This will be the last Christmas morning that he is too young to understand what it really means. Though I know he'll enjoy his presents, he's going to be most excited about spending 4 whole days in a row with me.  And I think that's what I'm most excited about, too.

******

Amazingly enough, AF showed up a few days early this week. I had been worried that she'd show up over the weekend, and I'd have to deal with on call doctors and crazy holiday hours.  Instead, I went in for my CD3 scan this morning.  My antral follicle count is 8-9 and my FSH is 12 - not fabulous, but not awful either.  I took my first dose of Femara before lunch and will start Gonal-F on Sunday.  A different RE than my usual doc reviewed my labs and scan, and so I'm going in for my first follicle scan on day 8 instead of day 10.  I'm sure that means I'll end up with another scan before my IUI, but what's the cost of another set of labs and ultrasound at this point?

Santa 2012

Last year, Finn was the happiest baby ever on Santa's lap.  This year...well, there were no tears.  And we started off with Finn on a tricycle in front of Santa. But then we were able to sneak him on Santa's lap, and capture an almost smile.

This still is one of the best Santas on the planet.

As an aside - a few weeks ago I decided to close my comments to anonymous posters.  Which I hate, because I love getting random comments from lurkers who occasionally decide to chime in on something I've written here.  I was just getting too much spam - up to 15 or 20 spam comments a day!  And Blogger isn't recognizing them as spam anymore, so they're ending up on my posts.  I just can't take it any more.  The only other way to decrease the spam is to use the captcha thing, and I hate that more than anything - these days 90% of my blog reading is on my phone, but it is nearly impossible to comment on my phone if someone has the captcha enabled. So I don't comment as much, unless I have free time at night.  So anyway, if any of you lurkers out there ever have comments to share and can't because I've disabled anonymous commenters - please send me an email!  My address is under the about me tab above.  :) 

Christmas Day

My head is full of posts this week - and so after barely making a post a week for the past few months, I'm hoping for almost a post a day this week!

This first one is about Finn's first Christmas - which is really more about my first Christmas as Finn's mom.  Because while Christmas is for children, it's also for parents, especially the first few years.

We flew down to Florida on Christmas Eve.  Flying with a 7 month old is a whole lot harder than flying with an almost 5 month old.  He was so interested in all that was going on around him and was such a little wiggle worm, my arms were exhausted long before we landed! He also looked adorable in his Santa pjs that I had him wear on our flight, so we got lots of attention from everyone - the TSA agents, little old ladies walking through the airport, the guy selling hot dogs, the little girl in the seat behind us on the plane and even the grumpy old man sitting next to us in the waiting area.  The whole experience of plane travel is so different with a baby, exhausting but fun. (Well, fun as long as there are no tantrums and no poop.)

Great-Grandmom and Finn

My sister and her boys had arrived here the day before, and Finn and I were at my parents for less than an hour when the rest of the crew showed up - my aunt, her new fiance and two sons and my grandmom.  It ended up being a fun evening, and Finn charmed everyone, including his great-grandmom.  He did the round of goodnight kisses at the end of the evening, and had hives popping up on his face before he made it to the bed.  A round of benadryl and hugs later, and he was asleep, though I kept the bedside light on so I could easily check in on him obsessively the entire night.  No idea what caused the hives, must have been something that someone ate, but given the amount of food we had, the possibilities are endless.

My sister and I stayed up late wrapping presents and getting ready for Santa.  We were almost ready for bed when I realized that *we* were Santa!  So my sister drank the milk and ate one of the cookies, while I ate one and a half, leaving some crumbs behind.  The stockings were filled, Philip-the-elf-on-a-shelf was moved and we were finally ready for sleep.  (As an aside, I ordered Finn's stocking from a woman on Etsy - I adore it, though I didn't realize it was going to be quite so large!)

The kids woke us up on Christmas morning, though for Finn it was just the usual wake up time.  The morning was full of the usual Christmas insanity - wrapping paper everywhere, gifts galore, yummy breakfast food and, this year, a baby intent on eating all the tissue paper he could get his hands on.

This time last year I was pregnant, and imagining what Christmas would be like this year.  Two years ago, I was about to start my TTC journey.  This year I'm a mom, and for the first Christmas in years, I was truly happy the entire day.  There was no sense of melancholy, no hidden tears in the bathroom between presents and lunch, no wistful longing for a child of my own on Christmas Day.  Every day I look at my boy and find myself loving him even more than I did the day before.  How is that possible?  Finn was just as happy with the new socks in his stocking as he was with the new toys from Santa, and while he's way too young to understand all that was going on, he did have fun and was a joy to watch as he took in all the craziness.

The excitement of the morning wore Finn out, and he (the boy who has fought sleep like the enemy for the past few weeks) gladly took two long naps, giving me time to clean up, and to read and relax.  My brother in law watched Finn while I showered, my dad was happy to play with him while I helped my mom, and Finn spent a lot of time on the floor with his cousins and his new toys.  It was a wonderful day.  Dinner was another huge family affair, and Finn ate his avocado with glee while the rest of us had beef tenderloin and way too much pie.

I'm so glad my sister's sons and Finn are going to grow up together.  D is the oldest, and while he's too young to always be patient with the younger two, he is very interested in all they do, and does try to be a good big brother/older cousin.  Oliver is only a year older than Finn, and so goes between being fascinated by him and being threatened by him.  Turns out, he acts the same way towards Finn no matter how he's feeling: trying to sit on him, crawl on him and generally smother him with affection.  Finn actually pushed back a time or two, so I'm thinking he's going to be able to hold his own in no time.

And now my sweet boy is stirring in the other room, so it's time for me to head off to bed!  Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Finn's face when I sing his favorite song

It's the night before Christmas Eve, and I just finished my Christmas shopping about 4 hours ago.  Finn is sleeping, I have presents, diapers, clothes and toys strewn across my living room floor, and I'm online instead of packing.  Brilliant.

We leave for Florida tomorrow, and will be there an entire week.  Christmas Eve and Christmas Day will be spent with family (more family on Christmas Eve than initially planned, but I guess we'll still have fun, though it won't be the cozy, intimate family evening it was initially intended to be).

I'm hoping to have time during my week off to catch up on paperwork, blogs, emails and sleep.  And maybe even watch a movie or two.  Unless you count when Finn was in the hospital, I haven't had this much time off since maternity leave, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I have lots of things to post about, and lots of blog reading to do, and I can't wait for that, either.  In the meantime, Finn and I wish you all a Very Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve

My Christmas Eve post could probably read exactly like Tiara’s post today. Instead of feeling sad that I’m still alone and childless for yet another Christmas, I’m writing this with Vagus draped across my belly as Chiquitito kicks me (and probably the cat, too). I still can’t believe that this is my life.

Christmas this year is at my sister’s house. Right now she has her parents-in-law staying with her, along with her sister-in-law and her husband with their 15 month old daughter Ella, so my parents are staying with me. Being with family who are all happy for me, and surrounded by children crazy with excitement is a perfect way to spend Christmas. I had a wonderful evening, even when my sister’s father-in-law asked me if the donor sperm was just a ruse, and if I was instead really pregnant with Tiger Woods' love child!  Never a dull moment with my extended family, that's for sure.

Merry Christmas to you all!