What I'm Afraid Of

Some of the comments on my last post got me to thinking.  Specifically, thinking about how I’d been a little misleading in my fear of “giving in” to an epidural – and that led me to think about what I’m really afraid of as I head into the last 3 weeks (or so) of pregnancy.

My Fears

• I’ll be a crazy, whiny, annoying, screaming and crying woman the entire time I’m in labor – I really don’t want to be one of those women who all the nurses hate and who is an absolute pain in the ass because I’m so awful. 
• I’ll end up getting an epidural and because of that I’ll get one of my horrible headaches.  Or that the hormonal changes after pregnancy will give me a headache.  Either way, that one of my occasional, horrible, nearly incapacitating headaches will show up around the time of delivery and I’ll spend the first few days with my baby boy, miserable and barely able to function because my head hurts so much.
• My biggest fear is that Something Bad will happen.

My doula (Alex) and I discussed my fears today, and we’re both pretty sure that I’m not going to turn into one of Those Women, though I might temporarily resemble that woman during transition.  As far as my headaches go, one of the big triggers –aside from hormonal changes - is clenching my jaw and tensing up my neck and shoulders, so she’s going to make sure I avoid doing that as much as possible.  And for the last fear – well, I think every pregnant woman has it.  I know the chances are small, and I’m just going to focus on the fact that I’ve had a normal pregnancy so far, and that means that most likely I’ll have a normal delivery, too.

So I’m still nervous, but I’m not sure I’d say I’m actually overly worried or frightened.  And, while I really hope I don’t get an epidural, I’m ok with it if I end up getting one.  Reasons why I think I’d get one would be if labor dragged on, and I was just exhausted and had to have some rest, or if I needed Pitocin.  If the Pitocin is required, then so is an epidural!

Alex also pointed out that as of tomorrow, I’ll be 37 weeks, also known as full term. 

Which means I need to get things ready, as he really could come at any time now!  My hospital bag is now packed - minus Chiquitito’s going home outfit, which is in the dryer right now.  (I just did my first load of baby clothes – first of many, I know, but still exciting to be the first!)  I actually have two bags – one with my clothes and toiletries, and another to hold my camera and computer.   I had thought to keep at least the one with my clothes in the car, but now I’m thinking I might just keep them in the house.  Even if I go into labor at work (which is just across the street from the hospital), I’ll probably still go home first (20 minutes from the hospital), because I really don’t want to go to the hospital the second labor starts. 

Realistically speaking, I’ll probably go to into labor in the middle of the night.  And when I do go into labor, it’ll be after I’m already off work (I’ve got patients scheduled up to April 29 – the Friday before my due date), since most women deliver their first babies after their due date. 

But then again, the next full moon is April 17…..

Doulas and Nannies

I had the day off today, my usual Friday off the week after being on call for the weekend.  I didn’t set my alarm last night because I was sure I’d wake up in plenty of time to make it to my hair cut appointment at 10:45.  And that’s how I ended up being 5 minutes late this morning.  I had no idea I had it in me to sleep until after 10am!  And now, 12 hours later, I’m just about ready for bed again, so I guess I really needed the sleep.

After lunch I met with my doula for our first prenatal appointment.  We started with a list of about 15 things that could possibly happen during delivery, and she asked me how I felt about each of them (everything from being offered narcotic pain meds to early cord clamping to timing of erythromycin eye drops).  And this is where I became convinced that I’d hired the right woman for the job, I love that she’s detail oriented and open minded.  I’m sure others have you have noticed this, that just like many in the medical profession can be closed minded and sure that their way is the only way, I’ve found that those in what could be loosely called the “alternative medicine” field are often just as narrow minded in their view points.  But Alex, my doula, is open to both sides of every issue.  And in the instances where I didn’t agree with her, she presented her side of things, and if I still didn’t agree, she respected my opinion and moved on.  The end result is we have a one page birth plan that has topics listed on the left, with a brief description next to it.  For example:

PAIN MEDS  If I need pain medication, I will ask for it.  I am not planning on an epidural.

SKIN TO SKIN Please place my baby directly on my abdomen – skin to skin immediately after birth.  I would like an hour with my baby, undisturbed to bond and breastfeed.

I like this birth plan, because it will take a nurse or doctor about 1 minute to read, as it’s simple and straight forward.  And because there aren’t lots of extra details about how I want to handle every phase of labor, it might actually be followed.

Now that I’ve really started talking about birth plans, I realized that I also really need to be thinking about childcare.  I already know I’m going to have to hire a nanny – an expense that is going drastically change my spending habits, but one I can’t avoid.  I’ve decided to go with care.com to find my nanny, and have ordered books on how to hire a nanny and how to write a good contract, but I’m lost when it comes to deciding on salaries and how that works with filing taxes.  I know I’ll have to hire an accountant or payroll service to actually do the work, but when websites quote average salaries, are they talking pre-tax or post?  I have no idea!  This would be SO much easier if I could just take him to the daycare that I can see from my back porch.

Doulas

Back when I decided to TTC, my sister (Jamie) made it known that she wanted to be my birth coach.  I was present for both of her deliveries (the second one while I was in my 2ww that turned into my first BFP) and it was such an amazing experience to be there.  I really want her there with my delivery, both for emotional support and so she can have the same experience that I did, so I’m so glad she wants to be by my side!

I also want a doula to be there as well, so I can have the emotional and physical support from both people. But how to choose a doula?  The local organization I’ve had bookmarked for 2 years has had a dwindling list of doulas on it the past six months, and today they still have the announcement on their site that the details are coming soon for the January “Meet the Doulas Tea”, which on January 31^st, doesn’t seem too promising. 

I already knew what sort of person I was hoping to find.  Somewhere along the line I’ve gone from being a woman who knew she wanted an epidural to being a woman who thinks maybe she’d like to try natural childbirth (watching Ricki Lake’s The Business of Being Born might have had something to do with this).  Because of that, I want a doula who will help me through natural childbirth, but be supportive if I give in and ask for an epidural.  Since internet wasn’t helping, I asked the nurses on labor and delivery if they had any suggestions.  They didn’t, but a midwife (with a practice other than my OB/Gyn) was in the room when I asked, and said she had a wonderful suggestion for a doula she’s worked with several times.  The doula’s name is Alex, and the midwife says she has been great, and even encouraged a mom to get an epidural once, when labor had gone on for 27 hours and the mom was just exhausted. 

I called Alex last week, and met her yesterday morning.  I love her.  She’s interesting, vibrant, knowledgeable and supportive.  This was just our initial consult visit, but she stayed and talked about all sorts of things for almost two hours, so I really got to know her, and she me.  I feel like I should be interviewing more potential candidates, but I know already that she’s a perfect fit for me, and so I hired her!

After talking with her, I feel even more confident that I’m going to go with natural childbirth, mainly because we talked about how we’d handle what to do during labor if I start to think I want an epidural.  To paraphrase what she said, “All women want an epidural at some point.  It’s my job to help you decide if you’ll be happy with your decision once the baby is born, or always wish you’d held out.”  We haven’t talked about anything else specific yet, but the for the epidural is simple. When I say I think I want an epidural, she’s going to ask me to try to hold out through one more contraction, and then reassess.  This is exactly what I do when I’m worn out at the end of a long run, and hoping to keep going that last 1-2 miles.  “I’ll keep running until I get to that tree, and then if I still want to stop, I will.”  And when I make it to the next tree, “I can keep going.  Now I’m going to try to make it to that fence post, and then I’ll reassess.”  There are times I can keep going, even though I thought I couldn’t, and times I know I have to stop, so this is a method I know will work for me.

I’m not going to be disappointed in myself if I do end up deciding to get an epidural.  But I will be disappointed if I don’t at least try to go without.  

I’m meeting with her again in a couple of weeks for a pre-delivery session where we’ll go over the stages of labor and come up with my birth plan, complete with what music I’d like her to have on her iPod.  I’ve seen lots of deliveries, but none that were natural, so I’m looking forward to it. 

But I still can’t believe that I’ve actually decided to try natural childbirth.  I wonder if someone has put something in my ice cream to make me this crazy.