5 Years Old

And suddenly, I'm the mom to a 5 year old.  Five.

He chose his outfit for our trip to Build-A-Bear

Five.

This has been a challenging year for both of us, but I'm figuring out how to adapt my parenting style to adapt to his needs, and I think we're finally hitting good solid ground.  One of the reasons I haven't written much lately is because much of what is on my mind is our relationship...and it doesn't feel right to post this on a public forum any longer.

But I can share a few things that Finn loves right now:

• Darth Vader and all things Star Wars
• Special Agent Osso
• Chocolate
• Making a mess (he called me earlier today saying "Mommy! I need a towel!" and before I could respond he added, "I know, again!")
• Cooking
• Helping in the garden
• His brother
• Putting on "shows" for whoever will watch

These first 5 years have been exhausting, terrifying, joyful and wonderful.  I can't wait to see what the next 5 have in store!

One Year

My dearest Zachary,

I can't believe you're a year old today.  We had a rare quiet moment together this morning in your room, as I rocked you while you nursed at the exact time you were born one year ago today.  It was the perfect way to start your big day.

This year has been a whirlwind blur of change and activity, and I've never been so tired in my entire life, but it's been worth every hour of lack of sleep.  You have brought such joy to our family in such a short period of time.  I love the way you are so free with your affection, climbing into my lap for a snuggle or holding on tight when I give you a hug.  One second your face is serious and solemn, and the next an enormous grin is stretching across it, or your entire face is scrunched into that sweet and silly smile of yours.  And your giggles - oh, it makes me heart sing to hear you giggle.

You love playing in water (and that leads to endless races to see who can get to the toilet first), eating, laughing at Zaphira and making lots of noise.  Your whole face lights up when your big brother walks into the room, and even when he's beating up on you, it's clear you adore him.

You are also fearless.  Your Aunt Uche says you need a shirt that says, "I crawl towards danger" and it's true.  I've already found you climbing on things, trying to figure out how you can get just a little bit higher, reach a little further.  I have a feeling you're going to give me more than a scare or two over the next few years.

You hate having your diaper changed.  When I tell you that you can't do something you want, your temper comes out.  Boy does it come out.  Screams, arching back - everyone knows when you're mad.  It never lasts long, though.  It never ceases to amaze me how you can go from crying and screaming to grinning and laughing in the blink of an eye.

It is so fun to watch your personality develop. It's already clear you are so different from your brother, but I think the two of you are going to make a great team.  I'm so lucky to be your mommy and I'm looking forward to the adventures this next year is going to bring.

Happy First Birthday, Zachary!

43

Today is my 43rd birthday.  I have no idea how I got so old.

My birthday always makes me a little melancholy.  Even when I have a good one, like this year, I still feel sad, and I can't quite put the reason for my sadness into words.  So instead of focusing on my birthday, I'm going to focus on the great weekend I just had.  My sister was in town, as were my parents.  While I missed seeing my brother in law and nephews, it was lovely to have quality time with my sister.  I miss her so much - I really hope we can arrange more visits as the boys get older.

Finn is crazy and silly and a little bit nutty.  Zachary is growing like a weed.  I'm exhausted.  That's my life in a nutshell.

5/28/14: brotherly love

5/29/14: hanging out with PopPop

5/30/14: getting some loving from Grandma

5/31/14: his first race - a fund raiser for my sister's friend Kristan.  She's an amazing woman who built her family with help from an RE, and is now facing an even more difficult challenge after almost dying from sepsis last year.

6/1/14: my sister and her nephews

6/2/14: the obligatory "oh crap, I forgot to get a picture today" shot

6/3/14: I took a picture of him here before I left for work, but then my mom sent this one and it just had to be Tuesday's picture of the day

Three!

Happy 3rd Birthday, my sweet boy!  I hope you'll forgive me, as I'm exhausted as I write this, so I don't think I'll be terribly eloquent.  But I wanted to write about who you are today, a new 3 year old, before the days get away from me and I forget the details of the wonderfulness that is you at this age right now.

I'm never sure exactly what to call you - Elsa? Simba? Jake? Daniel Tiger? Super Why? Finn? You love your shows, and will often assume the identity of one of your favorite characters.  The first time you did this was with Daniel Tiger, and that's when I learned that I get to be a character, too.  My favorite is when you're Daniel Tiger, as I get to be Prince Wednesday, and I just LOVE how you say those two words together.  I also love how your face lights up when I remember to call you the name you're going by at that particular moment, and how you'll fuss at me if I call you the wrong name.

Right now your biggest passion is Frozen.  I'm usually Anna when you're Elsa, but occasionally I get to be Elsa and work my snow magic...though last week you took back over as Elsa because apparently I was getting the hand motions wrong when trying to build my snow castle.  You know most of the words to the songs from the movie, and can even act out (down to throwing away the crown) the entire song "Let it Go".

You also love our new swing set, and your favorite thing is for me to push you higher and higher - which often results in you going into outer space to visit Martian Mickey.  Or sometimes you're so high you can catch a plane in the sky and ride it to California to visit Aunt Jennie or Florida to visit Granma and PopPop.  I have to admit, I am looking forward to you figuring out how to get the swing moving on your own. All this traveling is exhausting.

You're leaving toddler-hood behind and becoming a little boy.  I love watching you with your baby brother, and seeing how much you love the newest member of our family. I love how you are so open to sharing your food with me, even if you usually offer me the tiniest possible piece, sometimes taken out of your mouth, in an effort to be generous.  I love how many foods you like, how open you are to trying new foods, and how much you enjoy cooking and watching me cook. You always want to help, and yesterday even got yourself seconds of dinner while I was nursing Zachary - and didn't make a mess while you did it.

I love your ability to laugh at yourself, and I love the look of joy you get on your face when you realize you've made other people laugh, even when it wasn't on purpose.  

Your favorite word is "why" - and you use it all the time.  Sometimes you really want to know the answer, sometimes I think you're just saying it because you don't know what else to say, and I know sometimes you say it just to drive me crazy.

Every night I come into your room to give you one last kiss before I go to bed.  Last night I got a little teary eyed as I said good night to my two year old for one last time.  I'm so lucky to be your mommy, and I'm looking forward to all the fun and craziness of the year ahead.

Love,

Mommy/Elsa/Prince Wednesday

  *******

Oh, I almost forgot!  You had the best birthday this year. This was the last year I can have a party and get away without inviting kids, and I'd planned on something small.  But then one of my partners at work scheduled her housewarming party on the day I was going to have your little party.  Somehow she and the other female doctor came up with the idea of making the housewarming party into your birthday party, and then went way over the top with decorating and planning.  It was quite possibly the best birthday party ever.  And all I had to do was pick up the cake and ice cream.

You didn't like our singing too much

All ready to eat! (and seriously, how amazing was this table?)

Then this morning I surprised you with Frozen and Mickey balloons and rainbow cereal (aka Lucky Charms) for breakfast - and got up early so I could be ready in time to eat breakfast with you.  Since I've been back at work, you've asked me to eat breakfast with you every morning...it was so fun to be able to eat with you in the morning again.  Nanny M brought you and Zachary to work for lunch today, and then you all went to an indoor play center for a few hours.

I picked up cupcakes on my way home, and the three of us had the princess party you've been asking for (while Zachary slept), complete with crowns and a magic wand for you.  I wasn't exactly sure what you had in mind when you asked for a princess party, but the wand and crown seemed to satisfy you.

I hope you had a wonderful day.  I can't wait to see what fun we have this year!

Holy cow!  This is my 400th post!  To borrow one of Finn's favorite phrases, "How'd that happen?"

Birthday Party!

After Finn's first birthday, my plan for this year was a little family gathering at home.  And somehow that turned into a party with 23 people thrown together at the last minute.  We had such a good time, I decided I needed to document it here, even if it is a week late.

I have always wanted to have a birthday party at a ranch that's not too far from our house - they have all sorts of animals - lots of cattle, emu, zebra, llamas, pigs, water buffalo, and even a rhino.  It's one of those places that you can drive your car through or, if you're not crazy, you can take a wagon ride. Since I'll hopefully be moving or already moved this time next year, I thought it would be a good idea to go ahead and have the party this year, while it's still so close to us.  Because I waited so late to plan we had to take the only time available, so our wagon ride left at 10:15, one of the first wagons of the day.  It turned out to be the perfect time as all the animals were still hungry, the sun wasn't too hot, and it poured down rain later in the afternoon.

Our party took up the entire wagon - two of my partners at work, my assistant and her kids, my sister and her family, Nanny M, my friends Lisa, Liz, LB and their families.  We had buckets full of feef for the animals, and were instructed by the driver on the proper feeding techniques. Some would take food right from your hands, while others were fed by pouring feed into their mouths, or putting food under the seat and letting them eat from the bottom of the wagon.  Finn's preferred method was either food under the seat (he got so excited when "llama llama red pajama" and goats ate food from the bottom of the wagon) or throwing food at the animals, which was also my nephew Ollie's favorite way to feed them. The ride was over an hour, and full of laughs and squeal and giggles - and some slobbery hands.  It was such a joy watching Finn watch the animals.  He did not want to get too close to them, but he he loved watching them, and he loved watching other people feed them (when he wasn't busy throwing food at them himself).

My sister ready to feed the goats

Finn

Zebras were hungry, but we were warned they like to bite!

Ollie hadn't met Gabs before, but he insisted on holding her hand - so cute! 

Finn and Nanny M 

Finn and Nanny M and Giraffe 

Look at that tongue! 

One of Lisa's daughters had the brilliant idea to serve peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the shape of Mickey heads for lunch after the ride, and since the party started so early, one of my partners came to my house early to help make the sandwiches while her husband entertained Finn.  Then Lisa and her crew showed up to help load everything into the car, so what could have been a long, crazy and stressful morning of prep work was fun and easy and took less than an hour.  Everyone also helped get the table set and everyone served after the wagon ride - it couldn't have been an easier party.  I am so lucky to have such good friends!

Mickey Head sandwiches

I had our local supermarket make his cake, and asked them to decorate with balloons, while leaving a spot for the cute Mickey plane I found online. It's not the fanciest cake ever, but it sure was cute.  And delicious.

I was looking for a 2nd birthday shirt online and found his adorable shirt on Etsy.  Again, this was all last minute, so the weekend before his party I emailed the woman who makes these to see if she could get me one in time for his party.  And she did!  Here store is here if you want to check it out.  I noticed that her store has recently been reopened after being closed for the birth of quadruplets - makes me even happier I found her store.

I haven't tested Finn to see if he's still allergic to eggs, so he had birthday ice cream instead of cake, but there was lots of chocolate sauce and sprinkles to go along with the ice cream, so he didn't even notice he wasn't eating cake.  He would have licked the bowl if I'd let him!

I just love this picture of the two of us

After food was over, the kids went with a few adults to play on the playground, while the rest of us cleaned up and visited.  By the time the party was over, Finn was worn out.  He fell asleep on the way home, and slept for over two hours.  We opened presents after his nap, and then more the next morning, on his actual birthday.  He got some great toys and some much needed clothes, as well as a few really cute cards (including one from Tiara and Elena -it was even signed by Elena herself!) - he really got way more than he needed, but it was all very appreciated!  He loved opening the gifts, and every single gift he got has been a big hit.  When does that ever happen with a two year old?

Next year I swear - cake and dinner at home with just a few people.

Two Years

Happy 2nd Birthday, my sweet boy!

Thank you for your giggles, your little dances and your new ability to sing at the top of your lungs, even when you don't know all the words.

Thank you for sharing my love of books.  Thank you for laughing at the same parts over and over again, yelling out your favorite lines along with me, and for making me read 10 books before you'll go to sleep every night.

Thank you for your sweet snuggles.  Thank you for finally falling asleep in your own bed at night, without needing me to rock you to sleep.  Thank you for coming to bed with me in the early morning hours and remembering to bring your pacifier along with you.  I don't think I need Mickey Mouse, Monkey, Llama Llama and Bunny to come along with you, too, but it does make the bed a cozy place.

Thank you for teaching me patience by insisting on helping with everything or (worse yet) doing it yourself.  Thank you for not holding a grudge when you don't get your way.  Thank you for the messes that you make, and the messes that you help me clean up.

Thank you for being such a good eater.  Thank you for being willing to try anything, and for not hesitating to spit out something that you don't like, preferably in my hand.  Thank you for your love of sprinkles, both as a food, and as an unexpected garnish for Play-Doh.

Thank you for your love of balls - rolling, throwing, bouncing or hitting them - where ever and when ever you find them.  Thank you for usually remembering not to throw balls in the house.

Thank you for your love of Mickey Mouse, choo-choo trains, balloons, bubbles, planes, animals and water.  The world is a whole new place when seen through your eyes, and I see things I would have never noticed before because you see them first.

But most of all, thank you for letting me be your mommy.  Happy Birthday!

Kinda Sorta CD 1

Today is officially CD 1 - or as RBA calls it, DOC 1.  I started my period a week ago, and I've been in a sort of a holding pattern, with low dose Lupron and estrogen patches.  I actually stay on the same regimen for a few more days before the estrogen doses start to ramp up.

I didn't think I felt that bad with Lupron until I was able to decrease the dose last week. That first day I felt SO much better.  Nothing specific, just better energy and less moodiness.  Now at just 5 units a day, I'm feeling ok.  If all goes as plans, 3 weeks from tomorrow my donor's eggs will be thawed and fertilized!

******

My offline evening with Finn was fairly easy tonight.  We finally had sunshine again after days of rain and clouds, so we went outside after dinner and played with sidewalk chalk and did a little gardening.  Just as we were going inside, a huge fire truck came down my street and stopped right in front of our house!  Three firemen came out with tools, and within seconds had water spewing out of the fire hydrant.  Finn was enthralled.  One of the firemen came over and said hi, and gave Finn a high five, and at one point the light was perfect and we saw a beautiful rainbow in the middle of the water spray.  Then the test was over, the water was turned off, and the fire truck took off to check the next neighborhood fire hydrant.  Of course, since I was trying hard not to get online, I had left my phone inside and didn't get any pictures!

Then we saw we had a few packages on the porch.  One was addressed to Finn, and he was so excited.  I was tempted to make him wait until his birthday, but he was just too excited, so I let him open it.  We opened the large padded envelope to find a present wrapped in shiny red paper.  "Ooooo!  Oh wow!" Finn was beside himself with anticipation.  This is the first time he's understood what getting a present really means, and if he continues to be this excited with every gift, this weekend is going to be so fun!

We opened up the present to find a super cool straw that spells out Finn from his Auntie Evelyn.  From the second he opened it, he refused to put it down, even to try to figure out what it's actually for.  He carried it around, sucked on it, used it to comb my hair and waved it around like a flag.  He loved the card just as much, and we had to read it 4 times as part of his bedtime routine tonight.  Oh, how I love this age!

Showing off his card and straw