Heavenly Vacation

11 months ago, my parents asked if Finn and I wanted to join them for a week's vacation in St Kitt's (if you're counting, that was right after he was born, when April 2012 seemed like an eternity away).  I checked out the cost of flights (free, thanks to my frequent flier miles) and said yes. After months and months and months of anticipation, I can't believe that this vacation is now officially over.

It's so much fun watching Finn's personality emerge - in some ways he's a lot like me.  He sits back and gets a feel for a new environment before he starts to really interact, but once he's comfortable, there's no stopping him.  The first day in the pool he was nervous and clung to me.  Within a few days he was splashing around and playing in the fountains with glee.  Everyone at the resort we stayed at went out of their ways to talk to him, and at first he was very shy, but by the end of the trip he was waving to everyone, whether they were looking at him or not.  He tried lots of new foods, including fried plantains (which he didn't like) and jerk chicken (which he loved), decided he couldn't get enough watermelon, got sand everywhere, learned the sign for bird (though when makes the sign, it's hard to distinguish from his signs for milk and diaper), took his first train ride and got his first stamp (of many, I hope) in his passport.

Finn and PopPop

Sandy Boy

He is such an easy baby!  I remember those first three months where I didn't even want to leave the house with him because he was sure to have a meltdown.  There were countless nights where he cried for hours before sleeping and he ate every two hours without fail.  Now he gets a little grumpy when he's been up too long, and he definitely has a fiery little temper, but most of the time he just rolls with the punches.  Mom forgets to offer him water?  No problem, he'll drink plenty whenever she finally remembers that he might be thirsty.  Nothing but watermelon for breakfast?  Fine with him, he'll just eat more at lunch.  Mommy wants him to keep his hat on?  Ok, he won't like it, but he'll do it as long as the sun is shining in his eyes. It's time for sunscreen or a diaper change?  Well, for those, there's bound to be some screaming.  Even Finn has his limits.

At the top of Brimstone Hill Fortress (visited while Finn slept with Grandma in the car)

St Kitt's Sunset

Vacation with a baby is different.  There was no sleeping late.  There was a cool hike I wanted to do, but didn't seriously consider it, since I didn't want to do it with Finn strapped to my back.  I had no time at the beach or pool by myself, but I did get a couple of hours most days to be lazy while he took a nap. I did get a little reading done.  And most importantly, I didn't worry about Wednesday's MRI.  Not much, anyway.

She-Baby Shenanigans

It's a virtual baby shower for Oak!  She-Baby is due in exactly one month, and we can't wait to meet her!

I wish I were creative enough, or funny enough to make a great baby shower post today.  But I'm not, so this is probably going to be the lamest baby shower post ever.  See, I had thought about mentioning the time Oak shared her experiences with olive oil and taint rubbing, which encouraged me to try it when well into my third trimester (it was only to later that she admitted she hadn't stuck with it either).  But olive oil and taint rubbing isn't exactly festive baby shower talk.  I then thought about writing a letter to She-Baby, telling her about how her mom is one of those fiercely loyal friends who you know has your back when you need her, and how she manages to find the humor in just about any situation.  I thought about telling She-Baby how lucky she is to have Oak as her mom: life will never be boring in her house, and she will always know that her mommy loves her very much (even if she might let her get more scrapes and bruises than the average kid), and she's got a big brother who all her friends will have crushes on, ensuring she'll be wildly popular since they'll all want to come over to her house after school.  But by the time she could read the letter, she'd already know all that.

So instead I have this boring little post, but just because it's boring doesn't mean it isn't heartfelt.  Oak, we love you and we already love She-Baby, too!  I just know that this birth experience is going to be perfect, and the coming year is going to be wonderful.  Well, aside from the sore boobs and sleep deprivation, it's going to be wonderful.

I saw this onsie and thought it was the perfect one for She-Baby to wear all the time. Because really, there is no time that's a good time to be sober.  At least not when trying to raise two kids under the age of two!

Happy Baby Shower!

Vacation!

Vacation has been all I hoped it would be and then some. Finn has loved the beach and the pool (though, after the amount of sand on both of us after the beach, I'm thinking of sticking to the pool from now on!) My parents have at times been amazing helpers, and at others, incredibly clueless, but they are trying. There's something about being away from home that makes them less annoying. LOL I left my computer at home, and am doing this on an iPad, so I'll end this with a couple of pictures, and save the details for later. My dad has been great about taking pictures of me and Finn - not even halfway through vacation and I think we have more than doubled the number of pictures of the two of us! I'm trying to keep up with everyone, and posting comments, but this device is a little buggy when it comes to commenting (and with posting pictures) so if I didn't post a comment, it's likely not because I didn't have anything to say. :)

Life with Cats

It took me a little while to listen to my reminder to go to sleep the other night, but I finally made it to bed.  I crawled into bed, curled up next to Finn and tried to dream of vacation.  I was sound asleep, dreaming of warm sandy beaches when the unmistakable sound of a cat puking right next to my head woke me up.

I did what any half asleep person would do - sat straight up in the bed, grabbed the cat and tossed him off the bed.  Then realized that moving an animal in the midst of puking might not have been such a good idea.  Finn woke briefly and moved around a bit as I felt on the bed for any puke that might have been spread while I moved Vagus - luckily there was none.  I got down on the floor to make sure the cat was ok, and then crawled back into bed, relieved there was no puke on the bed.

But I was wrong.  There was a nice pile of vomit...right underneath Finn's head.

As I picked chunks of cat food out of his hair while trying not to wake him, I was dismayed to learn that my poor housekeeping habits were probably to blame for the whole incident.  It looks like it was sweet potato that Finn threw on the floor during dinner that made Vagus sick.

Two days.  Just two days until vacation.  Which reminds me, I haven't started packing yet....

Siri's Orders

Thank you for all the supportive comments on my blog yesterday.  I really was at a breaking point, and the comments helped.  Especially all the positive words about Finn's upcoming MRI.  It's much easier to keep thinking good thoughts when others are doing it with me!

I am tired.  And part of it is my fault.  I've been staying awake way too late at night, trying to get work done, reading blogs, writing emails - and still I don't get everything done that needs to be done.  Last night as I was getting ready to go to bed, I told my phone to remind me to go to bed at 11pm tonight.  The reminder just popped up and it said, "Go to bed.  Now."

But before I go to bed, I wanted to share Jiraffe's Faces of ALI series.  Go read the profiles.  They're amazing, wonderful women and well worth your time.  I had more to say about them, but I have to follow Siri's orders and go to bed now.

Meltdown

Brushing his teeth

As I was cleaning up downstairs last night, I heard Finn wake up and start crying.  At first I thought he could wait until I finished a few things, then I realized that this wasn't his "I woke up and you aren't here" cry, it was his "I'm in distress" cry.  I ran up the stairs, and found that he had half fallen out of the bed.  It looks like he'd wiggled around so much in the bed that he wiggled right around the bumpers and went head first over the edge - right between the bed and the bedside table.

He wasn't hurt, but he was very shaken, and I had to cuddle with him a long time before he calmed down enough to sleep.  And so, tonight, I decided to put him in his crib instead of in my bed.  It was a disaster.

He was definitely tired.  He half-heartedly nursed, and then I put him in the crib.  I sat on the floor next to the crib while he cried.  It wasn't 15 minutes before his cry sounded exactly like his cry last night when he was stuck on the bed.  Even though I was right there rubbing his head, patting his bottom, he sounded like he was terrified and miserable.  I caved and picked up him, planning to rock him to drowsy and try to put him back in the crib.  But he was pushing against me, refusing to even relax, and squirming all over.  I found myself getting irritated and then getting mad at him. So I put him down on the floor and let him crawl around, with tears still wet on his face.  He calmed down for a few minutes, then got fussy again, so it was off to bed for us.

He nursed once we got in the bed, but then was doing his whole "sit up and crawl around and try to take another header off the bed" routine.  Suddenly I lost it.  I turned my head down to the bed and just sobbed.  Finn stopped his fussing and crawling, reached out and patted my hand.  Then he leaned over, put his head down next to mine, pulled back my hair, took one look at my face and cracked up.  Full on giggles and snorts.  So of course I had to laugh, too.  A few slobbery kisses (from Finn) later, I was still tearful, but he settled down and finally fell asleep.

I never felt like cosleeping was the wrong thing for us, until he started getting more mobile and I worried about his safety.  After the last two nights, I really don't know what the right thing is anymore.   Going to sleep was already hard enough, and now that he's not completely safe in the bed, either?  What am I supposed to do?

To add to my anxiety and worry, his next MRI was just scheduled for May 2 (which was, coincidentally, his original due date).  I hadn't been too worried about it until last week when I mentioned to LB that it wasn't scheduled yet.  "Don't you want it to be after vacation, you know, in case...." She said another something like that this weekend, something along the lines of, "And even if the MRI shows something bad, you know you'll be able face it."  I've been so focused on thinking positive that it never even crossed my mind to contemplate the alternative.  Until now, anyway.  I know that this is just the way her mind works (the glass is always half empty, despite her attempts to pretend she thinks it's half full), but LB said very similar things after the first ultrasound with my first pregnancy, when she knew it didn't look great (but I didn't).  And so her saying those things has more power to make me anxious than if someone else said it.

I'd be the first to say that with my underlying level anxiety running so high, now is not the time to try to change our sleep routine.  But do I really have a choice?  Maybe last night was just a weird freak incident? Maybe Finn is ok and I just need a vacation?  (Four more days.  Four. more. days.)

Sleeping and Weaning

Hard Won Sleep

I am in serious need of some mommy advice!

Finn is a great sleeper. Once he gets to sleep.  Seriously, he's sleeps from 8ish at night until at least 7 in the morning, usually waking up around 10-11 for a "dream feed" and that's it.  Looking back on the months that he was awake every 2 hours, I can't believe he's now able to go that long without waking up!  And once he's asleep, not much wakes him up (now it's a different story if he falls asleep in the car, then we're out of luck, he's guaranteed not to stay asleep for the transfer to his crib or bed).

For months, I could nurse him in my bed at bedtime.  He'd finish nursing, look up at me, roll over and go to sleep.  Usually it would take 15-20 minutes, tops, to put him to bed.  Then, sometime in January or so, he discovered that he could get places when he rolled over.  So he'd be nursing, eyes droopy and about to fall asleep, then he'd roll over and say, "Hey!  I can keep going!" and he'd be awake for another 30-40 minutes, rolling back and forth on the bed, until he rolled himself to sleep.

Now it's even worse.  After nursing, he rolls over, and says, "Hey!  I can sit up!" and so he does.  He rolls over, sits up and I pull him back down.  We'll repeat this over and over again, until I decide to stop pulling him down. Then he crawls around on the bed, fussing because he's tired, until he decides to lie down again, and then we repeat the whole cycle.  The last 5-10 minutes is usually pretty comical.  His eyes are sometimes closed, and he's so tired that when he sits up he falls back over again, and yet he keeps on doing it until finally he can't fight it any longer and he falls asleep.  This can take anywhere from 20 minutes (on a good day) to over an hour on a bad day.

He goes to sleep at about the same time of night every night.  I usually take him upstairs before he starts to act sleepy, and I'll put on his pjs with his first signs of being sleepy.  He "brushes" his teeth, we wash his face and then read a couple of stories.  Then we walk into my bedroom and say goodnight to a few of my pictures then get in the bed.  The time might vary by as much as 30 minutes, but it's pretty consistently close to the same time.  And if he starts to act much sleepier or fussy, we condense the time.

I've tried cry it out.  It worked the first time I did it, but that was before he was sitting up on his own and it was safe to do that in my bed.  (I have bumpers that go under the sheets, but I can't put a bedrail in because the bottom of the mattress is below the wooden rail on the side of the bed, and I don't think I could get a bedrail that would fit.)  I've thought about putting him in his crib at bedtime, but when we do that for his naps the CIO method never works then either.  I've lasted as long as 45 minutes, and he's still sitting up in the crib crying.  I just can't handle that.

I've read "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" and it was no help.  It's all about babies who won't stay asleep, and that's not our issue!  I'm open to any suggestions for books on sleep that might be more useful for our situation, or for better yet, suggestions on specific ideas to try.

At the same time, I'm starting to get serious about weaning.  Last week was supposed to be my last week of pumping at all at work, but then his illness this past weekend meant that he nursed a lot more during the day that he has in months, and so it was too uncomfortable at work not to pump yesterday and today.  For the past few weeks I'd been gradually decreasing how much I pump during the day, and recently have been pumping only about 3-4 ounces once a day.  Hopefully I can give it up completely in the next few days.

Before we moved, he'd almost completely dropped the dream feed in the late evening, and was only nursing once a day at bedtime.  Since our move, he's gone back to the dream feed, and even some nursing in the middle of the night.  But then the past few days he's not done his usual nursing session at bedtime, instead it's more of a grazing sort of thing - take a few sips from mommy's milk, the the pacifier, then back to mommy's milk - I'm sure he's getting a lot less than he usually gets. I had hoped that he'd give up the bedtime nursing last, so as my milk supply dwindled I could transition over to giving him a bottle or sippy cup of milk before bed.  Any ideas on how to cut out the night nursing?  I'm so used to feeding him in the middle of the night, half the time I wake up to find him nursing and I don't even remember opening my top.  (Which means my first thing is to stop wearing the easy access nursing tops to bed!)

I'm a little wistful about giving up nursing.  Wistful, but ready to move forward with T42!  (For the record, I haven't had a period since July 2010.  I haven't really missed it...)

Easter Weekend

Easter Bunny's visit

Aunt Heidi came into town this weekend, and Finn and I showed her an amazingly good time.  She cooked us dinner on Saturday, breakfast this morning and then we put her to work at the house.  (We really know how to treat our house guests right.)

We got a lot accomplished this weekend; it's now just another weekend of work away from being a settled home, instead of a freshly moved home.  I am so lucky to have a friend who's idea of a good time is coming to help unpack and organize a home - or at least a friend who is willing to pretend that's her idea of a good time.  It feels great to be able to check off so many things off my to list.

We had an unhappy baby most of the weekend.  Finn and I spent 3 hours at the post office on Friday, waiting in line to get his passport, and I let him crawl around on the floor.  I'm not sure if he got something then, or if he got something elsewhere, but he was not himself at all on Saturday.  He was fussy and irritable, and needed a lot more cuddle time than usual.  He didn't have much interest in eating, either.  He did want to nurse a lot, though.

Over the past month, Finn has gotten to where he doesn't want to nurse during the day when I'm with him, so I had decided that I was going to use this 3 day weekend to my advantage and make last Thursday my last day of pumping at work.  After two days of minimal solid food and lots of nursing from Finn, I'm thinking I might need to push that plan back a little.

Last night Finn woke up in the middle of the night and was burning up.  I didn't take his temperature, I just gave him some Tylenol, then rocked him until he fell back to sleep.  This morning he was still not happy, but seemed like he was feeling better.  But after his nap I could tell he didn't feel well, so I checked his temp - 101.6.  I gave him some Tylenol and he took a little nap and seems better again.  But at bedtime he started to feel hot again - 102.4.  He's not showing any signs of illness other than being a little fussy, so I'm not sure what's going on.  I guess if he's still sick tomorrow, I'll have to take him to the pediatrician, though I'm guessing it's just some virus.  I gave him another dose of Tylenol at bedtime, and he feels nice and cool now.  Poor little man, I hope he feels better tomorrow.

Sitting on our front porch

Despite not feeling well, he did enjoy a visit from the Easter bunny, and we were able to spend some time outside today.  And he managed a few smiles for the camera, too.

Happy Easter!

Surprising Turn of Events

Well, it turns out that my administrators were listening to us after all.  Well, at least a little.  We had a pretty useless meeting on Monday that left me feeling very unhappy, but then, all of a sudden, today was different.  We were asked to give up our Fridays off in an effort to see more patients (we have one Friday off a month to make up for the fact that we have to round at the hospital every 3rd weekend), and we responded, "Sure, if we can stop going to the hospital on the weekend."  And today we found out that they had agreed to that.  I will gladly give up my one Friday off a month in exchange for weekends off!  We also found out that our new schedule of having 20 minutes for patients (instead of 15) was approved as well, effective July 1.  We're still waiting to find out about our new compensation model, but we're told that we should hear something in the next week or so, and that they're trying to make it so we'll see our pay increases.

That doesn't help the fact that I'm still overworked right now.  But least I feel like there's some hope.  And so I have to figure out some way to make it through the next few months, sanity intact.

I've really been neglecting myself - I eat Peeps and Krispy Kreme donuts at work (can you believe I'm a diabetes doctor?)  I rarely exercise.  I have organic fruits and veggies delivered to my house every two weeks, but I let the nanny and Finn eat them all while I have cereal for dinner.  I love to read, and yet I'm still reading the same book that I started back in September (Tina Fey's Bossypants, if you're wondering, and it's fabulous, at least the first half of it is).  I don't get enough sleep.  My taxes are undone, my bills are overdue and I'm way behind at work - I just can't figure out a way to balance it.

So I'm going to start with little things.  I hope that putting it down here makes it more likely that I'll actually stick to it!  I'm going to get back to walking with Finn at least 4 days a week.  This afternoon I strapped him in the Beco carrier (he's graduated to being carried on my back!) and we went for a 40 minute walk after work.  I felt great and he loved it.  I'm going to go back to trying to get 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day.  And (after tonight) I'm going to go upstairs to bed by 10:30 every night.

I can do all those without causing myself too much stress, right?  These things should help me manage the stress, I think.  And if they don't, there's always my little man to make me smile.