Some Sleep Progress

Friday night I moved Zachary to his own room, and his own crib to sleep.  It was a rough transition, and the first few nights he woke up a lot.  I'd go in, pick him up and he'd cling to me and cry.  Then I'd put him back down in his crib and rub his back until he settled down.  Over and over again.  Each time I held him just a little bit less, and eventually I didn't pick him up at all, just helped him lie back down.  Monday night I only had to go into his room three times, and then last night I didn't have to go in at all.  He woke up several times, but put himself back to sleep every time.  And I got the best night's sleep I've had at home since well before he was born.  It took almost 2 weeks, and I'm still exhausted, but I'm so happy that we finally had one night that worked.  I hope it's just the first of many!

I have more to write, but I'm trying to catch up a little on my sleep, so I'm going to share my pictures for the week and head to bed.

1/21/15: the trash is never safe from this one

1/22/15: he ate more than he dropped on the floor

1/23/15: always busy - this was the best shot I could get of him as he played this morning

1/24/15: he climbed up here by himself (I'm in so much trouble)

1/25/15: boys at play in the backyard

1/26/15: his preferred method for eating black beans

1/27/15: I just love this 

That Didn't Last Long!

This weekend was so great.  The conference itself was boring, but the food was good, I saw old friends, and slept.  My sleep wasn't perfect, both nights it took me a bit to fall asleep, and I woke up early, but it was uninterrupted and I was by myself.  Just heavenly.

Surprisingly, I didn't really miss the boys the first day.  I think that's a sign of just how much I needed to get away.  But I was so happy to get home to see them both on Sunday evening.  Best of all, Zachary has learned how to give the best hugs.  He wraps his arms around my neck and squeezes so tight - it's so sweet.  I arrived home refreshed and energetic and excited about the chance to start a week feeling good and centered and ready to keep my cool no matter what.

To make things even better, Nanny M started the process of sleep training for me while I was away. She kept Zachary in the pack and play in my room and gave him only water after bedtime.  It was a rough night on Friday night, but she said Saturday was easier.  With that work done, I committed to not letting him nurse after bedtime anymore.

Sunday night, I rocked him in the glider while he nursed, and had planned on rocking him to sleep, but he wouldn't stop wiggling.  So, on a whim I put him down in his pack and play - and was shocked when he rolled over and went to sleep without a peep!

He woke several times in the night, and was easily shushed back to sleep the first few times, but then woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep.  I picked him up (and he clung to me like I'd been gone for a month), and snuggled with him for a few minutes, before putting him down in my bed.  I soothed him to sleep, and then went back to sleep myself.  Not bad.

And then a tooth started to come through.  And he got a cold.  So Monday night was worse, and last night was awful (he was wide awake for two straight hours, in between episodes of fussing) despite liberal use of tylenol and ibuprofen.  He also decided to start walking this week (!!!), which I'm sure contributed to the poor sleep.

He's sound asleep in his pack and play now, so I'm hoping for a better night tonight.  At some point it all has to come together, right?  I'm just as exhausted now as I was just on Friday.  But there's the hope for better sleep in my future.  (please, let there be better sleep soon!)

1/14/15: he really likes noses

1/15/15: and he's interested in everything

1/16/15: how do I get down?

1/17/15: Skyping from my hotel room

1/18/15: he loves black beans as much as his brother

1/19/15: he loves the water!

1/20/15: he can't figure out how to make it move, but he loves sitting on this riding toy like a big boy

Weekend Escape

I am going out of town this weekend for work. By myself.

I have only left Finn a few times overnight, and I've yet to leave Zachary, so I'm a little nervous about how it will go.  But I'm also so desperate for a solid night's sleep that I didn't think twice when Nanny M offered to stay home with the kids.

I know I'll be a little sad without them for two days, but really, all I can think about is two nights in a bed all by myself.  Heaven.

And that brings me back to the whole nursing thing.  I've decided I'm going to bring my manual pump with me, but I'm just going to pump enough to provide some relief, if I need it.  And then when I get back, I'm going to try to cut down on the nighttime nursing.  He doesn't need it, and it's the one thing that is really not working with our cosleeping.  The chronic sleep deprivation is really starting to get to me, and makes it hard for me to be the kind of mom I want to be because my patience is worn way too thin. I'm not sure how well this plan will work, but it's a good place to start.

This week in pictures - we managed to brave the cold weather and get outside this weekend, but still half the pictures are in the bathroom.  Maybe next week I'll manage to break the trend.

1/7/15: if there's no box to climb in, he'll go for the baby tub

1/8/15: waiting for big brother to finish getting ready for bed

1/9/15: eating chicken casserole like a big boy

1/10/15: wearing a hat made by one of my patients

1/11/15: checking out the ice in the backyard

1/12/15: cute in stripes

1/13/15: playing "light sabers" with Finn

 

(more than) Halfway Through Leave

It looks like my weekly picture post is also going to become my usual day for a real blog entry as well.  I like that my 365 project is going to keep me posting, even when I get busy, tired, distracted or lazy.

The days run together on maternity leave, a blur of spit ups, diaper changes, silly songs with a toddler, time outs with that same toddler, diet cokes and too much food.  Zachary has been doing a lot of cluster feeding lately, often feeding every hour for what seems like hours on end.  He's also gone a few 3 hour stretches without eating - conveniently at night the past few nights, so I've started off the night with some decent sleep the past few nights, though it never lasts the whole night.

Finn still comes to bed with me between 4-6am, which coincides with Zachary's fussy period.  Zachary wakes to eat sometime around then, and pretty consistently fusses and makes grunty noises for at least an hour or two after that.  As you can imagine, that leads to Finn not getting consistently good sleep, either.  I keep talking to him about getting better sleep if he stays in his own bed until it's light outside, but he's not falling for it.  I could make him go back to his own bed, but there have been so many changes in his life the past few months, I just don't think either of us are ready for that just yet.  So instead we're working on better naps and I'm dealing with a grumpy toddler who needs more sleep at least a few days a week.  He is now staying in his bed at bedtime, even when he doesn't fall asleep right away, and I consider that a huge win, as that's been something I've been trying to accomplish for over a year.

Zachary still mostly only cries when he's hungry or uncomfortable.  He makes the loudest grunting noises I've ever heard from a baby - sometimes when he's unhappy, sometimes for no reason at all.  It makes watching tv with him a challenge.  (And that's often the reason I can't sleep at night, as he grunts while sleeping.)  He's got the sweetest smile, and follows me with his eyes and seems to recognize both me and his big brother.  He's also started to notice the mobile above his swing, so I got out the play mat this week.  He's not too impressed with it yet, but Finn loves it.

And now for the pictures for week 6:

3/19/14: blurry "crap I forgot to take a picture today!" bedtime shot

3/20/14: First trip to the hardware store 

3/21/14: sleepy smiles

3/22/14: this was supposed to be a picture of just Zachary, but Finn couldn't resist getting in on the shot

3/23/14: Contemplating the meaning of Pharrell's "Happy"

3/24/14: quality time with Uncle Tivo (Jennie's husband)

3/25/14: dozing on the playmat

Storytime

This past week hasn't been as easy as the first with getting Finn to sleep in his own bed.  It's not been a complete bust, and I've stuck to it, but there's been a lot more crying.  There was one night last week that he cried so much when I left the room that I had to go back to give him hugs and calm him down so he would fall asleep.  He was still in a great mood the next morning; the first thing he said to me was, "Mommy work!  Then Mommy sleep!" (guess I must have said that a lot when trying to get him to go to sleep the past few weeks!) and I said, "Yes, and you went to sleep all by yourself like a big boy." His little face got really serious, "Yeah, I crying."

Most nights he still asks me to rock him to sleep, and he starts crying as soon as I put him down.  He has been awake upstairs for as long as 40 minutes before falling asleep, but it's usually a mix of talking with crying, so it's bearable for both of us. And finally, the past few nights, crying has only lasted about 10 minutes, before he's fallen asleep.

Tonight he picked out a book we haven't read in a while, Night-Night, Little Pookie, and we snuggled on his bed while we read it.  Pookie the pig and his mommy get him ready for bed.  He brushes his teeth, washes his nose, and then his mommy tucks him in with three kisses, one for his Pookie ears, one for his Pookie nose, and one for Pookie eyes that are about to close.  When we got to the eyes, Finn touched Pookie's eyes and said, "Pookie?" The next page is a good night poem that ends with "I love you and love you," and then Pookie says, "Night-night Pookie mommy."  And with that, Finn burst into tears, hard, sobbing tears.

I pulled him into my lap.  "What's wrong? Why are you crying?" "Pookie crying, too!" he sobbed.  He was crying because he thought Pookie was sad that his mommy left him to go to sleep.  Oh, how that made my heart hurt!  We had a talk that Pookie wasn't crying, he was happily going to sleep, because he knew his mommy was downstairs and would come up if he needed her.  I'm not too sure he really believed me, or if he fully understood me.  He did only cry for 5 minutes once I left the room tonight.

I see a few more books about bedtime in our future.

*******

I heard from the donor coordinator and she confirmed that the guarantee does apply to me.  The comments on my last post were so great - thank you guys.  I was feeling pretty stressed out overall, but I feel much better.  Even before I heard from the coordinator, I wasn't worried about it anywhere near as much. And I know I've picked out the best donor for me, too.  Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

A Sleep Update

I finally did it.

I let Finn cry it out.

And it wasn't that bad.

Cut back to last Monday night.  Finn had a fever.  I felt like crap.  I'd been rocking him for TWO hours.  And he was still awake.  He was tired, and fighting it like a champ, just flat out refusing to sleep.  I'd given him more Tylenol around 9, and at 10 I was about to lose my mind.  I finally decided that our stressful evenings with me snapping at him to go to sleep, or putting him back in his bed over and over as I got more angry, could not really be any worse than him crying for 45 minutes.

So I put him in his bed, kissed his forehead, told him I loved him and left the room.  He screamed.  He cried.  He threw a fit.  For 5 minutes.  Then he talked to himself for a few minutes and fell asleep.  Almost every night since then I've repeated the process, though I limit the rocking to about 10 minutes.  He screams and cries, "Mommy, lie down! Lie down, Mommy!" as soon as leave the room.  That quickly turns into talking, punctuated with lots of "Yeahs!" Tonight it was more "Mommy, lie down?" a couple of nights ago it was, "Mickey Mouse? Yeah! Mickey Mouse!"  Most nights he's asleep in 10 minutes, and only once or twice has he cried at all after the first minute or so.  (The nights I didn't leave him still awake were when he was so tired he feel asleep before I'd finished rocking him, and last night when he fell asleep in the car on the way home from a family dinner, in case you were worried I'm not being consistent enough! :))

When I tried CIO before, when he was younger, it was awful.  Nonstop, hysterical crying for over an hour before I finally gave in and got him.  I'm glad when I tried it again, we were both finally ready for it.

While it's given me my evenings back, our battles over sleep the past month have led to a backslide in behavior.  He'd just about stopped hitting and spitting when he's mad, but now he's back to doing it on a regular basis.  I do think it's because he just doesn't know how to handle his feelings of being mad or frustrated, and our nightly battles were making things worse, so I'm trying to help him with that, but so far it hasn't clicked.  Now that we're not fighting every night, I'm hoping it improves.

On the flip side, he's SO silly.  He really likes just being goofy and making people laugh.  When he's not mad at me for something awful like not letting him play with a butcher knife, he's a lot of fun to be around.

Here's hoping the good sleep continues.  I'm starting out this week feeling pretty healthy, and have lots of plans for the extra hour I've gained every night.

Regrouping

Thank you for all the wonderful comments on my desperation filled post from last night!  The suggestions were varied and gave me a lot to think about; I really appreciate all the helpful thoughtful comments and the supportive ones, too.

Hearing things from other's perspective gave me a lot to think about, and helped me solidify what I think is the best plan for us.  Well, as much as you can ever solidify a plan when children are involved.

I think many of you were right about Finn's naps.  I don't think he's ready to give them up, but it's time to start shortening them.  He currently naps anywhere from 2-3 hours; Nanny M always wakes him up if he's still asleep at 3.  She's going to change that to waking him up at 2:30, and then gradually change that to 2, so he's not napping more than an hour.  I think he does need a short nap; he gets really drowsy if I keep him awake, and actually goes to sleep easier for his naps than he does at bedtime.

The only sleep book I've read is the No Cry Sleep Solution.  And even that wasn't helpful at first - my problem has always been getting Finn to go to sleep.  Once he's asleep, it's rare that he wakes up in the middle of the night and won't go back to sleep.  But the part I use now is the section where she talks about transitioning from needing a parent in the room to fall asleep to being able to fall asleep on their own.

So when I switched to the toddler bed, it was with that in mind.  Our first few weeks in the toddler bed were ok (after the first night).  Our bedtime routine of stories and pjs is about 30 minutes - he hates getting his pjs on, but it works well if I let him run around naked for a little bit, and then bribe him with books.  Then at 8pm, I would rock him for 5-10 minutes, then put him in his bed.  At first I sat next to the bed, and he'd eventually fall asleep.  It might take 45 minutes to happen, though.  I was gradually working my way away from the bed, as suggested in the book, but I think I moved too fast.  And that's when he started trying to get out of bed.

I don't want to move him back to the crib because I think that's moving too far backwards.  I couldn't put him awake in the crib and then sit next to it or even in the room without screaming.  And while I know there's a good chance that crying is going to be required to get our sleep fixed, I don't think I can handle that degree of crying.  And despite the awfulness of getting him to go to sleep, I'm actually getting much better sleep than I have in ages, because he comes to me when he wakes up.  All I have to do is lean over, help him in my bed and go right back to sleep.  I really enjoy cosleeping still, but I really enjoy my time in my bed without him, too.  So the half the night in his bed and half the night in mine is perfect for me right now.  I'll work on breaking him of that habit later, if it doesn't taper off on its own, as I suspect it will.

I thought about Simone's comment, that Finn isn't being a problem, he has a problem he needs my help with. And Jen and Tiara's comments about teething and growth spurts.  And I realized that this week Finn's footie pjs are suddenly too tight and he's constantly chewing on his sippy cup straws.  And the fact that I just went out of town and left him for the first time ever.  Which makes me think this past week has just been the perfect storm of absolute crap sleep.

It's pretty clear that Finn doesn't want to fall asleep on his own - he wants me to be close by when he does.   He can put himself to sleep if he wakes up in the middle of the night, but maybe he's also having trouble figuring out how to go to sleep at the start of the night. And he's probably not quite tired enough.

So, in addition to shorter naps, I'm going to work on getting him completely used to falling asleep in the bed by himself, and then follow the No Cry Sleep Solutions suggestion to very gradually move out the of room, sitting a little further away from the bed every night, until I'm finally out of the room.  Which means lots of sitting in his room as he falls asleep.  I'm going to start doing some board review then - I'll load some lectures on my phone and watch while I'm waiting for him to fall asleep - which should help me handle my frustration at being stuck in there.

I started tonight by rocking him to sleep, but not to the point that he was sound asleep, just to when his eyes first slid shut.  I then put him in his bed.  He turned over, grabbed his monkey and was asleep.  By 8:25.  My parents are going to be here the rest of the week, so I'll probably stick with that the next few days.  And then from there will start putting him down when he's drowsy.  It'll be a gradual process that will probably take me a few months, instead of the few weeks I was hoping for. And I know at some point I'll have to deal with him crying.  But I think if I do things more gradually, he'll have a better understanding of what it is I'm expecting him to do, and it might actually work.

This is probably way more than most of you wanted to know, so if you're still reading, thanks for sticking with me!  Any other suggestions that anyone wants to throw my way are very appreciated, even if the suggestion seems completely opposite of what I'm currently planning to do.  Toddlers change, and plans change with them, so I'm open to hearing everything.  

I Give Up - but I don't know what to do next

I'm writing this in my living room at 10pm, with Finn standing at the top of the stairs crying.  We started rocking at 8pm after a bath followed by cuddles and books in my bed.  At 8:20 he was acting drowsy, so I put him in his bed and sat by the bed.  He was very still for about 15 minutes.  And then he stood up out of bed.  I put him back, he got out again.  I put myself right next to the bed so that when he'd try to get out, I could just slide him back into the bed before he was even fully out.  Over and over and over again.

At some point he started complaining that his back hurt - possibly from lying on his water bottle?  Maybe from one of the 100 times I slid him back into the bed? I have no idea.  I rubbed it, looked to make sure there wasn't something in his pjs sticking him, and then because he kept saying it hurt, I rocked him.  For 30 minutes.  And he still wouldn't fall asleep.  And so I put him back in the bed.  Then he started getting out of bed saying his hand hurt, and his finger hurt, and his leg hurt and wanting a kiss and a hug.

It's now 2 hours that we've been trying to go to sleep.  I haven't cleaned the litter box.  I haven't made dinner for tomorrow.  I haven't washed the dishes.  I haven't done any of my work.  Board review?  Ha.

I love my child more than anything in life but this is making me insane.

If I wasn't planning on having another baby, I'd be happy with a 1 hour bedtime.  If I didn't have 57 unfinished charts and 217 unseen labs, I'd be happy continuing to rock him to sleep.  If I didn't have boards coming up, I'd even consider just going to bed right now with him in my bed with me.  But all those things are happening, and even a one hour bedtime is just TOO long (and by one hour, I mean one hour to fall asleep once we've done all the getting ready for bed rituals).

Rocking him to sleep was taking an hour for him to fall asleep.  With not rocking to bed it's taking 2-3 hours for him to fall asleep.  It's been over a week and it's worse, not better.  And now he's upstairs crying so hard he's about to make himself throw up, and I'm down here writing a blog post because I just can't do anything else right now.

I don't know what to do.  Except that I have to upstairs now, he's crying too hard for me to continue to leave him up there.

Overnighter

New slippers

I am going to Dallas tomorrow. Without Finn.  I'm worried.

Not about him - I'm worried about me!

It's only an overnight trip; I'll fly down after work, then attend a conference all day Saturday, and get home Saturday night after his bedtime.  Nanny M is staying with him, so I know he'll be fine, but I am going to miss him terribly.  I'm purposefully not taking my computer, just my iPad so I can read something for fun instead of work or parenting.  And there will be wine.  Or maybe margaritas. Or both.

This week has been hell with sleep.  I started putting him in his bed and then sitting across the room, or even right outside the room, as my next step in getting him to go to sleep on his own.  We still do the first part of our routine - brush teeth, wash face (unless it is a bath night), snuggles in my bed while we read stories, and then 5-10 minutes of rocking in the glider.  But now when I put him down, I don't stay next to him.  So while he knows I'm close by, he isn't relying on me to help him sleep.

On Monday night I put him in his bed at 8:15.  He fell asleep at 11:30.  The 3 nights since then it's been anywhere from 60-90 minutes for him to fall asleep.  And in between the getting in the bed and falling asleep, he gets out of bed.  Over and over and over again.  I'm following the Super Nanny's advice, and just walking him quietly back to bed, but there have been a few "would you please stay in bed!" and "don't get out of bed again!" moments.  He's exhausted - I'm not letting him sleep late in the morning, and Nanny M isn't letting him sleep past 3, so he's hours behind on sleep now.  I really thought tonight was going to be great, he was so tired he was asleep by 8:30.  Then I dropped the baby gate, and it was well over an hour before he was asleep again.

So while I'm really going to miss him tomorrow, I'm also really looking forward to two nights of no bedtime fights.  Nanny M might deserve an extra bonus if he's as difficult for her as he is for me, though.

Sleep Training

always wakes up happy

Two weekends ago, Finn and I converted his crib to a toddler bed.  (There's nothing that will slow a project down like a toddler intent on helping.)

This was at least 6 months before I'd originally thought I'd even consider making the change, but I'd been thinking about it a lot the past few weeks.  Bedtime has been taking even longer than usual lately - Finn just can't get comfortable in my lap, but really wants to be rocked to sleep.  If I put him in his crib before he was fully asleep, he'd wake up and cry like he lost his best friend, and want me to pick him up.  But an hour of rocking to sleep every night just wasn't working, either.  So it was time to change things up.  The only thing I could think of was changing him to a toddler bed.

Helping Mommy

Saturday night (a week ago) was our first night in the toddler bed, and it was a typical night.  Rock to sleep, then in the bed.  He woke up in the middle of the night and cried for me to come get him (which of course I always do).  Sunday night we had dinner with my friend Ali, and he feel asleep on the way home, as planned. Then the cold air woke him up when I got him out of the car. I rocked him for a minute, then put him in the bed, and he woke up instantly.  After an hour of rocking, he was still awake.  And so I put him in his bed and told him it was time to sleep.  He cried for a few minutes, but I was right there, sitting next to his bed, so he finally stopped crying.  He didn't fall asleep though, and would periodically ask me to rock him.  I held firm in refusing, and ended up falling asleep on the floor while waiting for him to fall asleep.  I woke up after 11:30, and he was finally asleep.  A three hour bedtime wasn't the best way to start our toddler bed experience.

Giving Mickey pre-nap kisses

First nap in the big boy bed

The second night was better.  I rocked him for 15 minutes, and then put him in the bed.  He cried for a few minutes, then turned over and fell asleep within 10 minutes.  Every night since then has been fairly similar.  He likes to ask me to lie down with him - I put my head down on the bed for a few minutes - and sometimes takes a while to actually fall asleep.  But it has cut down the the average time it takes him to fall asleep, and I can see how I can now start to gradually move away from the bed while he's falling asleep, to the point that one day I might be able to put him down and *gasp* actually leave the room.

It took him 3 nights to figure out that he didn't have to wait for me to come get him when he woke up, and another night after that to realize that he didn't have to cry about it, either.  Now I usually wake up as he comes padding into my room, and once woke up to the sound of his breathing as he stared at me over the edge of the bed.  He usually falls asleep as soon as I pick him up, and it's much easier for me to fall back to sleep since I don't have to get out of bed myself.  Friday and Saturday night he didn't come to bed with me until after 5am!

Daylight saving time definitely threw a wrench into our sleep training.  It took an hour for him to fall asleep on Sunday night, last night Nanny M rocked him to sleep (I worked late) and tonight I rocked him to sleep again, too.  I'm hoping he adjusts to the new time quickly, and we can get back on track.

I think we've finally found something that will get him on a sleep regimen we can both live with.  And while we're working on it, at least he always wakes up happy.

Better Night

On our ice walk

We were hit with an icy mix of sleet and freezing rain today, and I made the executive decision to close the office at noon, as most of our patients had already called to cancel as it was.  I got home (after the obligatory stop at the grocery store) while Finn was napping, and seriously considered taking a nap, too.  I probably should have, but instead worked industriously to get some paperwork done before he woke up.

We had a lovely afternoon, and even ventured outside to walk on the ice covered grass (the sidewalks were too slippery) for a few minutes.  And I dreaded bedtime the entire time.  But luckily it was a much better night. He fought it for a bit, but was sound asleep within 15 minutes.

Several of you asked about what I was going to do with our sleep issues long term.  I need to preface that answer with a little summary of how we got here.  He has always been a difficult sleeper (and it's possible that I've always been a pushover).  I will never forget one of those first nights in the hospital when I was so exhausted that I let the nursery keep him so I could sleep.  The nurse came in with a crying baby hours before I expected her, "I'm so sorry, but we've tried everything and he just won't stop crying." As soon as Finn heard my voice he stopped crying, and immediately fell asleep the second I picked him up.  He refused to sleep in the bedside cosleeper, for weeks only sleeping if he was being held.  As he got older, I tried to put him down before he was completely asleep, but all that accomplished was another 20-30 minutes of holding and/or rocking before he would stay asleep.  I tried a modified version of cry it out, and he beat me down and outcried my ability to outlast him.  This past summer, I walked him to sleep every night, and loved it.  He slept and I got in a workout.  But when the weather turned colder, and it got dark really early, that stopped.  And I struggled with putting him down in the crib, and dealing with him crying and fussing.  Bedtime was an hour or more of pure misery.  I knew rocking him to sleep would work, but I didn't want to do that for fear of ruining him for life.

And then I read the The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers. In it, she says that if the routine of rocking your child to sleep (or staying with them in their room until they fall asleep) doesn't bother you, then there's no need to change it.  I suddenly felt free of guilt, and was able to rock him to sleep with minimal fuss most nights.  I love the cuddle time, and it's easy.  Usually.

I'm pretty sure that last night's cry-fest was brought on by more than just his refusal to sleep. I really am exhausted.  I had a very hard time falling asleep during my two week wait and got horrible sleep (this despite the fact that Finn was sleeping from 8pm to 7am or later every night in his crib). Then I got my BFN and was trying to decide what my next step would be, and could barely sleep those nights, either.  I was finally getting back on track with my sleep when Finn got sick and his sleep went to hell.  So I think I've averaged about 5-6 hours of sleep a night for the past month.  That (plus all that the past month has brought with it) has left me a little emotionally fragile.  All your supportive comments to my post yesterday were just what I needed, and are much appreciated!

But to get back to the sleep plan - I've already instituted one change, and that involves me getting ready for bed when Finn does.  I brushed my teeth when he did, he washed his face while I washed my face, and we both got our pjs on together.  That should make it easier for me to go upstairs and get straight into bed, instead of messing around for 30 minutes once I finally turn off the computer and go upstairs.  And it made our nighttime routine fun and easy, since Finn loves doing what I do.

Once I'm safely pregnant, I'll be turning the guest bedroom into Finn's room, and plan on having him start sleeping in there (in a big boy bed) well before the baby arrives.  So as my belly gets bigger, we'll stop rocking to sleep and start with me sitting by him in his bed as he falls asleep (which also works well now, if we're out of town and don't have a rocker). The author of the No Cry Sleep Solution has a chapter that will walk me through gradually transitioning Finn from needing me by his side, to being able to fall asleep without me in the room.  And by the time I'm that pregnant, he should be old enough to be able to handle the change.

In the meantime, I really hope the horrible nights are over for awhile.  I'm going to take advantage of the sleeping baby while I can, and go to sleep now, even though it's not even 10pm yet.

Sleep

We've had over a month of fairly easy bedtimes.  Most nights, Finn has fallen asleep within 10 minutes of sitting down in the glider, and he's been staying asleep.  There have been many nights that he's slept the entire night in his crib, and when he does wake up and want to come to bed with me, it's not been until 3-4 in the morning.  I've been really happy with this routine.  I really enjoy the cuddle time, and how easy it is to get him to sleep.

Until this week.  Poor baby has another bad cold, and he's fighting sleep.  Most nights it's taken 40+ minutes of rocking for him to fall asleep, and then he's waking up as early as 10pm.  Those early nights have come with lots of crying, and have required a lot of rocking to calm him down.  One night he just wouldn't fall back to sleep for over two hours.  Then when he does fall asleep, he's been waking up multiple times a night, crying.  Sometimes it's just for a minute, but there's been a few nights of more rocking back to sleep at 1am.  I am exhausted.

Then today was a stressful day at work, and Finn was grumpy when I got home.  He would be fine and happy one minute, and the next he'd be crying and screaming.  Typical tired toddler behavior, I think, and also exhausting.  We read fewer stories at bedtime than usual, but otherwise did our usual bedtime routine, and he seemed ready to sleep.  But when we started rocking, he would not fall asleep.  After 40 minutes, I was tired and ready to be done.  I finally told him that he was just going to have to go in his crib - I gently set him down and he immediately stood up and started crying, "Rock, rock! Mommy, rock!"  I tried to soothe him, but it didn't work.  He got more and more worked up, and I could tell he was going to be crying for at least another 30 minutes.  I didn't want to be inconsistent and pick him up again, but the thought of another 30 minutes of him not sleeping, and this time crying and fussing was too much for me in my exhausted state.  And so I sat down on the floor and cried.  Serious, deep sobbing. Poor Finn.  He looked at me and yelled, "MOMMY!" and then he really started crying - wailing - like I've never heard him cry.  He was in so much distress that I had to pick him up.  He leaned back in my arms, still crying, and touched my face.  "Mommy." And then he put his arms around me, put his head on my shoulder and we both cried.

Once we sat back down in the glider, he calmed down.  He looked up at me again, touched my hair and said, "Mommy crying. Mommy sad." Then he closed his eyes and went to sleep.

Follies and E2

I had an ultrasound this morning - and was a little weirded out by the fact that I wasn't at all bothered by the dildo cam this time - it just seemed like a pretty normal way to spend a morning.

My lining looks great - 12mm (which means that if an egg fertilizes, it'll have a great place to implant and grow).  I had one nice follicle on the left (21mm), and several on the right: the largest was 23, and is probably my old friend Sam the Cyst, and then there was a 21mm and a 15mm.  I was really hoping for at least one on the left, as the only time I ever had a follicle on the left in the past was the time I got pregnant with Finn, so I left my appointment feeling pretty happy.

Based on the ultrasound, it looks like I've got two possible eggs to be released in a few days, so I was hoping for an estradiol level of 400, as it's expected that you'd have a good 200 for each mature egg.  My estradiol was only 202.

I don't know how hard and fast that rule is.  And I don't know if it's possible to have a couple of bum follicles that don't produce any estradiol, and one with a good egg that's producing just the right amount.  I'm going to hope and pray that it is possible, and that I have one good egg on the left.  If it weren't for that damn estradiol, I'd be feeling really optimistic right now.

My IUI is scheduled for 8:30 on Sunday morning. I'd been given instructions to take my trigger shot at 8:30pm tonight.  And then Finn fought sleep, so instead of being done with our walk at 830 as planned, we weren't done until 9:20.  And that's just because I gave up.  He's still awake.  At almost 10:30.  I have no idea what his problem is these days, but I'm at my wit's end with the sleep thing.  I cannot stomach the thought of doing cry it out, but it's starting to look like that might be the only thing that works. I don't mind walking for an hour if he'll go to sleep, but to walk for an hour and then have a child who is still awake at the end of the hour and cries if I put him in his crib, or try to sit and rock him is ridiculous. This is my least favorite time of the day.