Settling In

I think we're all settling into the new routine with me being back at work.  I've been managing to stay caught up on my paperwork, so I can come home in the evening and not think about work.  Which is amazing.

Zachary seems to be falling into a nice schedule with sleep. He naps 2-3 times a day most days, and his first nap of the morning is almost always within 2 hours of waking up.  I started putting him in his crib for for his morning nap last weekend, and it's been working well.  When he starts to make his "I'm tired" fussy noises, I put him down in his crib, turn on the mobile and leave the room.  He's usually asleep within 5-10 minutes with minimal fuss.  Finn never did that.  Ever.  Over the holiday weekend, I started putting him in bed after Finn goes to sleep.  He used to stay awake for a while after Finn went to sleep, but the past week has being going to sleep around 8.  So rather than holding him while he sleeps (which I really would prefer to do!) I've been putting him in bed, usually drowsy rather than awake.  A few nights he's woken up around 10:30 to eat, and then I just go to sleep with him.  That's exactly what Finn used to do, and for those few months that this routine worked, I got SO much sleep.  I hope this trend continues.

He's just started to notice his hands, and I love watching him watch them.  "Oh, look at these!" his face seems to say every time he sees them.  I don't remember this with Finn, but when Finn was this age he had been diagnosed with cancer and had already had his surgery - what I remember most about this age with Finn was fear.  So I'm absolutely loving this time with Zachary.  He's making noises all the time, and Finn and I have started making up what we think he's saying.  Finn thinks it's hilarious, and us laughing makes Zachary laugh.  Lots of laughing in our house these days.

Of course, there's lots of Terrible Three Syndrome going on around here, too.  But I'm navigating my way through it, and owe a lot of that to Kristie suggesting I get the audiobook The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting (thank you so much for breaking your no comment tradition to suggest it, Kristie!) I'm going to review it sometime in the next few weeks, but for now, suffice it to say it really spoke to me, and has given me more tools in my parenting arsenal, while also making me feel more confident in how I parent.  But still. It really is amazing how someone can make me laugh one second and make me ready to send him off to military school the next.

I've also got a few cooking posts in the works, finally, and of course, this past week's pictures.  I might actually get crazy in the next few weeks and force myself to take more with my real camera.  I love the ability to grab a quick picture on the go with my phone, but I'm also missing a lot of opportunities to improve my technical skills with my SLR by grabbing my phone instead.

5/21/14: I just love this outfit - and this is the best picture I have of him in it

5/22/14: in his favorite spot to watch dinner preparation

5/22/14 part 2: 3 minutes later

5/23/14: sweet sleeping boy

5/24/14: love their identical facial expressions here

5/25/14: morning family time with the ipad

5/26/14: ready for a walk

5/27/14: it was so hard to get out of bed with these two still asleep

One Year Together

One year ago today, this little ball of cells came into my life, and changed it for the better.

Today, that little ball of cells is three and half months old, wearing 6 month sized clothes, full of smiles and happiest when he's in the center of the action.  Our family is better and stronger because he's here, and I look at him and wonder how I could have ever worried about using an egg donor to conceive him.

I don't even think about his genetic origins often, usually only when someone mentions they think he looks like me, or when I wonder what he's going to look like or be like as he gets older.  Not that knowing where a person gets their genes from tells you those things, it just tends to be around then that I think about the fact that he's not from my egg, that he and Finn are technically only half brothers.

Watching the bond between the two of them develop, it's clear there's nothing "half" about their relationship.  Zachary watches Finn whenever he's in the room, and Finn can't keep from touching Zachary whenever he's close by.  I was blowing raspberries on Zachary's tummy earlier today and Finn said, "Hey, what are you doing to my baby?"  Yes, he's a little possessive.

My bond with Zachary has been different from my bond with Finn.  It took longer to develop when I was pregnant, and now that he's here, the simple fact is, Finn takes up a lot of my attention. He's walking, talking, being silly and misbehaving, while (until the past few weeks) Zachary has just been a noisy observer.

As Zachary becomes more and more interactive, I find myself really enjoying spending time with him, making him laugh and watching as he grows and changes every day.  I've loved him from the second he came into my life on May 26, 2013, but now I've found that I've fallen in love with him.

My cup runneth over.

Super Chunk

I have never been so hungry in my entire life as I've been the past three and a half months.  And aside from the end of pregnancy, I've never weighed so much in my entire life, either.  It is amazing how hard it is to not eat when I'm sleep deprived and hungry at the same time.

I thought that being back at work would help.  But it hasn't.  I thought that my appetite would get better as I got used to breast feeding again.  But it hasn't.  I thought cooking most of my meals would help.  But it hasn't.

I caught sight of myself in the mirror this weekend when I was half naked, and I did not like what I saw. Not one bit.  And none of my clothes fit, so I'm wearing maternity pants (that are too big for me) and the same shirts over and over again.

In an attempt to find some motivation, I ordered a fitbit using my credit card reward points. I also bought some healthy snacks (and by healthy, I mean not donuts). I can't even imagine committing to a hard core diet right now. And there's no way I can get in significant exercise. But I can eat a little better. And I can move a little more.

Small changes...time to practice what I preach to my patients every day!

This week's pictures - I can't believe I've been able to keep up with these.

5/14/14: Zachary suddenly needs to be in the middle of everything - this is his new spot when I'm cooking dinner

5/15/14: such a happy boy - smiles all the time

5/16/14: sleepy snuggles - my favorite part of the evening

5/17/14: playing footsie with my friend's 7 month old beautiful daughter

5/18/14: second nap in the crib - ever

5/19/14: is that drool???

5/20/14: ready for the pool (pic by Nanny M - it was too great not to use for this day's picture!)

Drive-by Post

Over the weekend I started reading a book a friend gave me, a fun "chick lit" book of the sort I used to devour in one sitting.  This is the second book I've read for pleasure in about a year...me, the girl who used to read 10 books a week.

All was quiet for about an hour as I read, then Zachary started to stir for his before bed feeding.  As I pulled myself out of the book the division between where my life was before Finn and Zachary, and where it is now was so disorienting I actually felt a little dizzy for a second.  I'm enjoying the book, but I actually found it to be a huge relief that I was where I am now, instead of where the two female characters are in the book (single, lonely and looking for love).

And then Finn had a horrible nightmare, and a few hours later Zachary decided to be awake for almost 2 hours in the middle of the night, and I thought that maybe one or two lonely nights might not be such a bad thing.  Though I'd spend them sleeping, not out on the town.

As I'm barely able to keep my eyes open, I'm sharing this week's pictures and then off to bed!

5/7/14: these fingers taste good

5/8/14: bedtime

5/9/14: cozy

5/10/14: with my assistant at Finn's party

5/11/14: broke out my tripod and camera remote for the first time, just to test the waters.  Next time: make up for me and a different time of day for better light

5/12/14: a very bad pic that's still on my phone

5/13/14: I just love this baby

Three!

Happy 3rd Birthday, my sweet boy!  I hope you'll forgive me, as I'm exhausted as I write this, so I don't think I'll be terribly eloquent.  But I wanted to write about who you are today, a new 3 year old, before the days get away from me and I forget the details of the wonderfulness that is you at this age right now.

I'm never sure exactly what to call you - Elsa? Simba? Jake? Daniel Tiger? Super Why? Finn? You love your shows, and will often assume the identity of one of your favorite characters.  The first time you did this was with Daniel Tiger, and that's when I learned that I get to be a character, too.  My favorite is when you're Daniel Tiger, as I get to be Prince Wednesday, and I just LOVE how you say those two words together.  I also love how your face lights up when I remember to call you the name you're going by at that particular moment, and how you'll fuss at me if I call you the wrong name.

Right now your biggest passion is Frozen.  I'm usually Anna when you're Elsa, but occasionally I get to be Elsa and work my snow magic...though last week you took back over as Elsa because apparently I was getting the hand motions wrong when trying to build my snow castle.  You know most of the words to the songs from the movie, and can even act out (down to throwing away the crown) the entire song "Let it Go".

You also love our new swing set, and your favorite thing is for me to push you higher and higher - which often results in you going into outer space to visit Martian Mickey.  Or sometimes you're so high you can catch a plane in the sky and ride it to California to visit Aunt Jennie or Florida to visit Granma and PopPop.  I have to admit, I am looking forward to you figuring out how to get the swing moving on your own. All this traveling is exhausting.

You're leaving toddler-hood behind and becoming a little boy.  I love watching you with your baby brother, and seeing how much you love the newest member of our family. I love how you are so open to sharing your food with me, even if you usually offer me the tiniest possible piece, sometimes taken out of your mouth, in an effort to be generous.  I love how many foods you like, how open you are to trying new foods, and how much you enjoy cooking and watching me cook. You always want to help, and yesterday even got yourself seconds of dinner while I was nursing Zachary - and didn't make a mess while you did it.

I love your ability to laugh at yourself, and I love the look of joy you get on your face when you realize you've made other people laugh, even when it wasn't on purpose.  

Your favorite word is "why" - and you use it all the time.  Sometimes you really want to know the answer, sometimes I think you're just saying it because you don't know what else to say, and I know sometimes you say it just to drive me crazy.

Every night I come into your room to give you one last kiss before I go to bed.  Last night I got a little teary eyed as I said good night to my two year old for one last time.  I'm so lucky to be your mommy, and I'm looking forward to all the fun and craziness of the year ahead.

Love,

Mommy/Elsa/Prince Wednesday

  *******

Oh, I almost forgot!  You had the best birthday this year. This was the last year I can have a party and get away without inviting kids, and I'd planned on something small.  But then one of my partners at work scheduled her housewarming party on the day I was going to have your little party.  Somehow she and the other female doctor came up with the idea of making the housewarming party into your birthday party, and then went way over the top with decorating and planning.  It was quite possibly the best birthday party ever.  And all I had to do was pick up the cake and ice cream.

You didn't like our singing too much

All ready to eat! (and seriously, how amazing was this table?)

Then this morning I surprised you with Frozen and Mickey balloons and rainbow cereal (aka Lucky Charms) for breakfast - and got up early so I could be ready in time to eat breakfast with you.  Since I've been back at work, you've asked me to eat breakfast with you every morning...it was so fun to be able to eat with you in the morning again.  Nanny M brought you and Zachary to work for lunch today, and then you all went to an indoor play center for a few hours.

I picked up cupcakes on my way home, and the three of us had the princess party you've been asking for (while Zachary slept), complete with crowns and a magic wand for you.  I wasn't exactly sure what you had in mind when you asked for a princess party, but the wand and crown seemed to satisfy you.

I hope you had a wonderful day.  I can't wait to see what fun we have this year!

Holy cow!  This is my 400th post!  To borrow one of Finn's favorite phrases, "How'd that happen?"

First Week Back

The best part of blogging is writing a post and having others respond with comments like the ones I got a few days ago, that make me feel a little less crazy and a lot less alone in my feelings.  So thank you, both frequent commenters and those who only rarely comment, for taking the time to reply to my posts. I truly appreciate every single one.

This week has been exhausting, crazy and even a little fun.  It's been nice to get back to seeing patients, and one week in I'm managing to stay caught up with paperwork, which makes the days so much better.  I've had a relatively light schedule, and all my patients want to talk about my boys, so that helps.  I've managed to have all my clothes picked out for the week, and I planned all my meals as well, so mornings have been less stressful, and Finn and I have had healthy dinners together every night.  I really hope I can keep this up! I started using Google calendar for meal planning, and it's working very well - thanks to those who suggested it.

Zachary has adapted well to me being gone.  Unlike Finn, he took to the bottle immediately (his first bottle was just a few weeks ago), and is eating about 15-17 ounces a day!  At most, Finn took maybe 8 ounces in a whole day, and frequently did only 6.  I pump about 20 ounces, so I'm just barely making enough to be able to start to stockpile milk.  He's in a phase of sleeping almost all the time, but when he's awake he's full of smiles and coos and is just a cuddly, pudgy little guy.

Finn has had a harder time adjusting to me going to work. The first morning he told me he was going to go to work with me, "I can help you pay the bills, and be with you all day so you don't have to cry." The second morning, I was in the bathroom already when he woke up.  He came in and looked at me accusingly, "Why are you out of bed, Mommy?" He hit me on the arm when I told him I had to go to work, "No you don't, you have to stay with me all day."  Yesterday morning I started singing, "Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go," and he burst into tears, "I don't want you to go!" But he has fun all day with his Nanny M, so I don't feel as awful about leaving him.

I even managed to break out the SLR a couple of times this week.  I'm going to get back in the habit of leaving it out, so I can get at least a few shots a week with it, instead of my phone.  I may even try to use my camera remote and tripod to get a family shot this weekend.  Maybe.

4/30/14: sleeping on my lap

5/1/14: my boys together on my first morning back to work

5/2/14: sleeping close up

5/3/14: so full of smiles!

5/4/14: hanging out on big brother's bed

5/5/14: Monday morning - I was sleeping in between these two (yes, in that little space...my neck hurts)

5/6/14: A tummy without you just wouldn't be right, belly belly button you're a beautiful sight!

Living the Dream

There's a bedtime story I like to tell Finn that starts like this: "Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Shannon.  Shannon liked to read books, ride her bike, to take pictures, and play with her friends.  And she had two big dreams - to be a doctor and to be a mommy."

Driving to work on Friday it suddenly occurred to me that I have finally accomplished both of my big dreams.  As of July, I'll have been in my practice for 10 years.  As as of this February, I'm finally the mom to two kids. My entire adult life has been spent working towards being a doctor and being a mom, and even after Finn was born I was still thinking of efforts to conceive my second child.  While I'd be happy having even more children, I don't think it's a realistic possibility as long as I remain single.  And for the first time in my life, I really have absolutely no interest in meeting a man.

Which means that I find myself in the very foreign situation of just living for now. Of course I think of what the boys and I will do as they get older, both the mundane daily activities and the fun adventures, but I know those are going to come with time.  I don't have to work for them.  My focus is finally where it should be: living for today.

Is it weird that it kinda scares me? There's a part of me that feels like I need to be absolutely perfect.  I have the life I've dreamed of for years, complete with the wonderful house, and it seems like I should be the model mom, never losing my temper and always finding joy in every second of parenting. And so I feel guilty when I yell at Finn, or don't do enough to nurture him through something that upsets him, or let Zachary cry for a few minutes because my shoulders hurt from carrying his massive weight around, and I just need a rest. I feel guilty even though I know I'm going to mess up, I'm going to make mistakes, and we're going to have bad days and nights (last night Finn woke up with a stuffed up nose, crying, "I can't smell!" - funny and miserable all at the same time). Somehow I need to learn to allow myself to be ok with the reality that I'm not the perfect mom.  I suspect that feeling guilty and being fixated on the unobtainable quest for perfection will actually keep me from being as good a mom as I could be.  My kids don't need perfection.  They just need a mom who makes them feel loved, laughs at their jokes, and is fairly consistent with setting rules and boundaries.  It's just not as easy and straight forward as I somehow thought it would be, back when I imagined my life with children.

This sounds a little like I'm complaining, but I'm not. I know how incredibly lucky I am and I honestly don't quite believe it.  I keep expecting to wake up and find it's been a dream, or to have someone show up at my front door and say, "Just kidding! None of this is yours, take your cat and go back to your little apartment, all alone, where you belong."

Does this feeling of unreality ever go away?  Maybe after a few months of the daily grind of work and little sleep, I'll finally believe it's true.  Or maybe I'll never quite get over the sense of shock and wonder that comes when I suddenly realize I have two little boys in my life who call me mommy.

I'm going to try to enjoy it all - but also not beat myself up for the times I just want to lock myself in my bathroom to get a few minutes of peace and quiet.