First Week Back

The best part of blogging is writing a post and having others respond with comments like the ones I got a few days ago, that make me feel a little less crazy and a lot less alone in my feelings.  So thank you, both frequent commenters and those who only rarely comment, for taking the time to reply to my posts. I truly appreciate every single one.

This week has been exhausting, crazy and even a little fun.  It's been nice to get back to seeing patients, and one week in I'm managing to stay caught up with paperwork, which makes the days so much better.  I've had a relatively light schedule, and all my patients want to talk about my boys, so that helps.  I've managed to have all my clothes picked out for the week, and I planned all my meals as well, so mornings have been less stressful, and Finn and I have had healthy dinners together every night.  I really hope I can keep this up! I started using Google calendar for meal planning, and it's working very well - thanks to those who suggested it.

Zachary has adapted well to me being gone.  Unlike Finn, he took to the bottle immediately (his first bottle was just a few weeks ago), and is eating about 15-17 ounces a day!  At most, Finn took maybe 8 ounces in a whole day, and frequently did only 6.  I pump about 20 ounces, so I'm just barely making enough to be able to start to stockpile milk.  He's in a phase of sleeping almost all the time, but when he's awake he's full of smiles and coos and is just a cuddly, pudgy little guy.

Finn has had a harder time adjusting to me going to work. The first morning he told me he was going to go to work with me, "I can help you pay the bills, and be with you all day so you don't have to cry." The second morning, I was in the bathroom already when he woke up.  He came in and looked at me accusingly, "Why are you out of bed, Mommy?" He hit me on the arm when I told him I had to go to work, "No you don't, you have to stay with me all day."  Yesterday morning I started singing, "Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to go," and he burst into tears, "I don't want you to go!" But he has fun all day with his Nanny M, so I don't feel as awful about leaving him.

I even managed to break out the SLR a couple of times this week.  I'm going to get back in the habit of leaving it out, so I can get at least a few shots a week with it, instead of my phone.  I may even try to use my camera remote and tripod to get a family shot this weekend.  Maybe.

4/30/14: sleeping on my lap

5/1/14: my boys together on my first morning back to work

5/2/14: sleeping close up

5/3/14: so full of smiles!

5/4/14: hanging out on big brother's bed

5/5/14: Monday morning - I was sleeping in between these two (yes, in that little space...my neck hurts)

5/6/14: A tummy without you just wouldn't be right, belly belly button you're a beautiful sight!

CoSleeping and Weaning

Just-woke-up-Bedhead

Weaning Finn is much more emotional than I thought it was going to be - probably because I feel like I'm giving up cosleeping and nursing together.  Somewhere in the past week or so I've become ok with the idea of weaning Finn.  I'm pretty sure it's because I've stopped nursing him at bedtime, and that's always been the one special time I felt that we bonded through nursing.  He's now just nursing in the middle of the night, and I usually sleep through those anyway!  But the giving up cosleeping is what I'm really struggling with.  I just don't want to give it up.

It's been surprisingly easy to transition him to the crib at his bedtime, much easier than I thought after our first epic fail in April.  For the past two weeks, I've cuddled with him in my bed, reading a few stories while he drinks his bottle, and then I put him in his crib.  Just like when he went to sleep in my bed, some nights are easy, and some nights are hard.  But he always goes to sleep in his crib.

The hard part is keeping him in his crib.  And the honest truth is, I'm really happy with the way things work now with our sleeping arrangement.  He sleeps for a few hours, and then wakes up anywhere between 11pm-2am.  I have been bringing him to my bed to nurse and then he stays the rest of the night with me.  That first feeding is a real feed - he definitely eats.  The other two (yes, two) are just comfort sessions.  He swallows a little but mostly it's just the comfort of boob in mouth that he's after.

I've been hoping that he would just start sleeping through the night one of these nights and then - miraculously - he'd be weaned.  Last night was the closest we've gotten to that.  He went to sleep at 8:30 after taking a 5 ounce bottle (the largest bottle he's taken at bedtime so far - he usually only wants 2-4 ounces from a bottle at any given time, even though I know he gets a lot more than that when he nurses) and he slept until 2am.  His previous record in his crib was 4 hours, and I know it was the 5 ounces that did it.  I tried 6 ounces tonight, but no luck, he only took about 4.  But earlier in the week I was lucky to get 2 in him, so that's progress!

Last night I had another bottle ready for when he woke up.  He only took about 1 ounce, but it was a start.  He wanted to nurse after that, and I was feeling engorged, so I was more than happy to let him. I woke up enough the other two times to try to deny him, but he just fussed and threatened to wake up completely, so I gave in and let him nurse.

Writing it down, it's pretty clear to me that I have two choices.  One is to put him back in his crib after that middle of the night feeding, or keep him in bed, but deny him the next attempts at nursing, even if it means that he wakes up fully.

I suspect that weaning would be a lot easier right now if we'd never coslept.  I'm sure he's capable of sleeping through the night without needing to eat, and I bet he'd be doing just that if he had always been in his crib.  Despite this, I don't regret cosleeping at all.


When I went back to work, it was so easy to have Finn cuddled up in the bed next to me.  I slept in a nursing tank, and when he'd wake up to eat, I'd pop the tank open, let him latch on and fall back to sleep.  The next time he woke up, I'd move to the other side so he could latch on to the other boob.  I usually woke up with both sides of my top down, and Finn snuggled nearby with milk drool on his face.  People would ask me, "Are you getting any sleep?" and I was always surprised by the question.  From about 4 months to 10 months, I got more sleep every night that I had in years.  Finn didn't sleep through the night, but I didn't have to do more than halfway wake up to keep him happy.

For that reason alone, I'm glad we've coslept.  I can't imagine dealing with the stress of the past year while being as chronically sleep deprived as I know I would have been if he'd slept in his crib during that time. The other benefit of cosleeping for me is being able to be so close to him.  I thought it always seemed silly when other people said it, but I've found it's true - sleeping with him in my bed allows me to feel connected to him after an entire day apart.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to go with option #2.  When he wakes up in the middle of the night I'll offer him a bottle, and then bring him to bed and let him nurse, but deny him the other attempts, even if it means he wakes up.  Then it'll just be that middle of the night nursing session we have to give up.

I've not been well rested in about 3 months, and it looks like things might get worse for a while before they get better.  Maybe I should start going to bed earlier.