Fertilization Report

First off, thank you for all the kind words and sympathy on my post from yesterday.  I still can't quite believe that he's really gone.  This morning we walked downstairs and Finn looked around and said, "Where did Vagus go?"

I thought I had gotten most of my crying out, but I cried again most of my drive to work.  I got myself together when I pulled in the parking lot, and decided to take a few more minutes to regain my composure by gathering up some of the trash that's accumulated in my car the past week.  So I had my hands full with my bag, paper towels and a couple of diet Coke cans as I walked up to my building, and my phone started to ring.  I knew it was RBA, so I dropped everything onto the ground so I could get to my phone - buried in my purse.

When I answered the phone, a pleasant woman with the tone of someone who was about to deliver bad news said, "Hi Shannon, how are you this morning?"  My heart sunk at the sound of her voice, but luckily she didn't make me wait long.  "I have your fertilization report.  There were six eggs.  Five survived the thaw, and all five fertilized!"

This was fabulous news!  I'm guaranteed two high quality embryos, but of course I'd prefer to not have to go through this several times.  Five fertilized eggs increases the chance that there will be at least one or two in there that grow normally and can develop into a healthy baby.

Holy cow.  There is a really good chance that my daughter or son is in a petri dish in Atlanta right now.

We leave tomorrow morning, and I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow afternoon.  I'll get an update on the embryos tomorrow, and I should find out on Friday morning if my transfer is Friday or Sunday (better quality embryos get a 5 day transfer, while the iffier ones get a 3 day).

I'm a little nervous about the drive with Finn tomorrow - we've got a loaded iPad, lots of musical instrument toys, some books and the novelty of being forward facing in his car seat.  Wish us luck!

Last Lupron shot today!

 

Endings and Beginnings

 I said goodbye to Vagus tonight.

By Monday afternoon it was obvious he was getting worse, so I called and made an appointment with the vet.  Vagus was unsteady on his feet, had trouble sitting down or standing up, and was barely eating or drinking anything.  For the first time in his life with me, he didn't sleep on my bed Sunday or Monday night, though he did find a way to make it up the stairs (when I thought he'd be more comfortable downstairs) to sleep on the floor in my room.  Last night he jumped up on the couch to sit in my lap, but didn't purr or lean into my hand as I rubbed his head.

So I was pretty sure when I went into the vet tonight that it was to say goodbye.  Luckily LB was able to come with us, and it helped so much having her there by my side.  The vet looked at him, talked to me, and agreed that now was time.  They gave him a shot in his leg to sedate him, and he drifted off to sleep.  I snuggled and cuddled him,  and told him how much I loved him.  About 10 minutes later they came back in - Vagus was completely sedated, and just barely breathing.  As he was no longer really there any more, I thought it was ok to leave, so I kissed his head one more time and we left.

Finn had kissed his head before we left, and didn't seem surprised when we got home without Vagus, but was clearly upset and sad.  He held on to me and wouldn't let me put him down, and at one point said something about Vagus having a boo-boo.  While we were rocking in his room at bedtime, Zaphira walked in and sneezed a couple of times.  Finn said up and shouted, "Vagus!" as Vagus was a champion sneezer.  He smiled when he realized it was Zaphira and not Vagus...but I'm pretty sure he's going to be looking for Vagus for a while.

Hugging Vagus last night

I'm so sad. So very sad.  And also relieved that it was clearly the right thing to do, and thankful he let me know when it was time.  I'm really going to miss him.

*******

But today was also a day for beginnings.  My donor eggs were thawed today, and fertilized with sperm from Finn's donor.  Right now, in a lab in Atlanta, my embryos are growing and dividing.  I'll get the fertilization report tomorrow, hoping and praying that my baby is one of them.

I've been singing "The Circle of Life" all day today.

Vagus the Cat

My cat Vagus is 18 years old this month.  I got him from the SPCA in Oklahoma in 1995, and he's been a cuddly pain in the ass ever since.  He loves to snuggle, and curls up in my lap when I'm on the couch, and next to my head when I'm in the bed.  He's been amazingly tolerant of Finn, who loves to hug him and snuggle him and brush his fur.  He also loves to howl in the middle of the night for no reason, and can do it for hours on end.  Hours.  On end.  (Imagine me, 6 months pregnant, yelling down the stairs, "For the love of all that is good and holy, Vagus, shut the fuck up!")  He's white with some black markings, and loves to get on all my black clothes and cover them with fur.  I've kept the lint roller people in business for years.

Almost exactly a year ago

This winter I kept smelling something off in my closet. And then I discovered that it was pee.  A large spot of pee on the floor, and on a few of my shoes.  I caught Vagus in the act, so I know it was him.  I've been vigilant ever since to keep the closet door closed, and always looking for pee spots.  I have found a few in the kitchen and bathroom, but none on the carpet.

A few years ago he developed some arthritis in his back legs, and couldn't clean his paws as well as he used to - so occasionally he'd step in wet litter, and then track it all over the house.  That's gotten a lot worse, and then, last week, it stopped.  It stopped because he was no longer making it in the litter box to pee.  He was peeing around the litter box, but not in it.  I tried getting a new little box with lower sides, but that didn't help.  So the floor is now covered with plastic and a large tray and puppy pads.

Less than 2 weeks ago

He's been on a downhill slide for months. Every time he doesn't come down when I'm home I go looking for him, half afraid I'll find his dead body curled on the floor in my room.  The past few days he's taken a fairly dramatic turn for the worse.  He hasn't done much but sleep, and I'm not sure he would have been able to make it down the stairs today if I hadn't carried him down. When I picked him up I was shocked by how light he feels, and I think that most of the grooming work has been done by the other cat, Zaphira.  He's eaten, and he's had some water to drink, but when he walked into the kitchen this evening, he was clearly shaky on his feet.

He's 18.  He's old.  I don't really think he's sick, I think it's just old age.  I don't know if he's in pain, but based on his behavior today, I'm wondering if it's time to take him to the vet and let him go.  I don't know if I'm capable of making that decision, though.  He's been such a pain in the ass his entire life that the thought of putting him to sleep fills me with equal parts sadness, relief and guilt.

I leave for Atlanta on Thursday morning.  My neighbors are going to feed the cats for me while I'm gone, but I'm wishing I had arranged for a pet sitter to come instead, as I don't feel comfortable asking them to take on the responsibility of checking on Vagus to make sure he's still alive and doesn't need medical attention.  I guess if he's not any better by Wednesday morning, I'll cancel my acupuncture appointment for that evening and see what the vet has to say.

It's hard to know which I hope for more - that tomorrow morning I wake up to find that he's passed in the night, or that I wake up to find he's back to his old self.  I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way.  It may be hard to believe, but I really do love him.  And as much as he has annoyed me over the years, I'm really going to miss him when he's gone.

8 years ago with the deeply missed Dakota

Life with Cats

It took me a little while to listen to my reminder to go to sleep the other night, but I finally made it to bed.  I crawled into bed, curled up next to Finn and tried to dream of vacation.  I was sound asleep, dreaming of warm sandy beaches when the unmistakable sound of a cat puking right next to my head woke me up.

I did what any half asleep person would do - sat straight up in the bed, grabbed the cat and tossed him off the bed.  Then realized that moving an animal in the midst of puking might not have been such a good idea.  Finn woke briefly and moved around a bit as I felt on the bed for any puke that might have been spread while I moved Vagus - luckily there was none.  I got down on the floor to make sure the cat was ok, and then crawled back into bed, relieved there was no puke on the bed.

But I was wrong.  There was a nice pile of vomit...right underneath Finn's head.

As I picked chunks of cat food out of his hair while trying not to wake him, I was dismayed to learn that my poor housekeeping habits were probably to blame for the whole incident.  It looks like it was sweet potato that Finn threw on the floor during dinner that made Vagus sick.

Two days.  Just two days until vacation.  Which reminds me, I haven't started packing yet....

The Eye Doctor and the Vet

Finn had a follow-up with the ophthalmologist on Friday.  She's pretty sure Finn's Horner's syndrome won't go away.  And she confirmed that it involves the bottom eye lid, too.  But if that's the worst thing that comes out of this whole nightmare, I'm okay with that.  I'm more than okay with that!  Besides, if it bothers him when he's older, he can always get plastic surgery to fix the eye droop.  I'm hoping he'll like the two different eye colors.  Though it looks to me like his right eye is changing just a little; in a few months the difference might not be as dramatic as it seems now.

Two weeks ago, I took Vagus to the vet to get his claw removed from the pad of his foot, and while he was there, the vet found a new heart murmur.  His paw is fully healed now, but, based on last week's echocardiogram, he has mild heart failure.  And based on his blood and urine tests, he has early kidney failure, too.  He's 16 years old, so it's not a shocker, but it does make me sad.  For now he's on a tiny dose of a blood pressure medication, and he has to go back in 6 months for an echocardiogram.  Serial MRIs for Finn and serial echocardiograms for Vagus.  Healthcare around here is a lot more complicated (and expensive) than I ever anticipated!

Vagus

Feeling the Love

Yesterday, my sister and her family drove into town so I could take their annual Christmas pictures at the park near my house.  I walked across the street to meet them, and as I did, I heard a little voice yelling my name.  When I made it to the sidewalk, I saw my brother in law holding D, and as soon as he saw me, he set him down and D came running down the sidewalk yelling my name.  A guy passed me right before D got to me and said, “He loves him some Shannon!”  LOL  And then D hurtled into my arms and gave me a huge hug.  I love being an auntie!

Not the official family pic - but it makes me smile!

I think I’ve mentioned before that I adopted my younger cat Zaphira, from the Humane Society when she was 9 months old.  I chose her because she sat up when I came in the room and watched me as I walked around talking to the other cats – I think she knew I was the one that was going to take her to her forever home.  The deal was sealed when I saw how brave she was around the other cats, even the ones who hissed at her.  Since I had Vagus at home, that was important to me.  Unfortunately, she’d been at the shelter since she was just a few months old, and that limited human interaction made her nervous around people.  At the shelter she let me hold her, but once I brought her home, she rarely would let me pick her up.  At first, the only time she felt comfortable coming to me for affection was when I was on the toilet (I guess I’m not a threat with my pants around my ankles!) but gradually she’s become braver and braver.   It took two years, but last night, as I was nestled in my wonderful pregnancy pillow, she jumped up on the bed and immediately climbed onto my stomach, where she proceeded to curl up for a long winter’s nap.

I’d like to say that she’s sensing the pregnancy hormones and wants to be close to Chiquitito, but I’m pretty sure it’s the fact that I keep the house at 67 degrees at night these days that made her seek me out for warmth.  Whatever the cause, I’m so happy my sweet little kitten is getting brave enough to cuddle!

Construction Update – the drywall is up!  And the drywallers are amazing – they cleaned up their mess and the mess left by the a/c guys (including dusting my bedside table!).  We’ll see how things look after the sanding tomorrow – I’m anticipating a mess, no matter how neat they are.  To make the drywall guys even better, the boss is picking up my chandelier for me and delivering it when he stops by to inspect the work tomorrow afternoon.  I’d planned on picking it up myself on Friday, but discovered the box won’t fit into my car! 

Hopefully I’ll have more good construction updates this week – and I’ve got another ultrasound on Tuesday.  I’m going back so my perinatologist can get a better look at the pulmonary artery (he wouldn’t cooperate at my last scan) and to check on my placenta previa.  Let’s hope it’s moved!

Cat Training

I think my cat might be working on training me to be a new mom.  Vagus is 15 years old, and has always preferred to drink from a faucet rather than a bowl.  Back in my less environmentally conscious days, I'd just leave the tap dripping for him, but I just can't do that now.  I thought I had him cured by keeping various types of bowls and cups with water throughout the house, but lately he's wised up to that.

A few months ago, he started howling in the bathroom in the middle of the night, wanting water.  If I give in and turn the water on for him, he takes forever to drink and so I usually can't fall back to sleep if I stay up with him while he finishes, so I'd just let him howl.  But the howling got so bad, I finally started closing the bathroom door, leaving a water bowl right outside the door.

At first that worked.  He'd go to drink, see the door was closed and just drink from the dish.  But now that's not good enough, and he wants the faucet.  Instead of howling in my bathroom and bedroom, though, he now goes downstairs and howls.  Loudly.  Or he chases me into the bathroom when I get up in the middle of the night to pee, and then meows at the sink and looks at me with his big, pitiful eyes.

I've tried the water dispensers for cats before, the kind with the reservoir on them.  He loves them, but just can't resist tipping the water jug over.  Really, even at 15, it's a irresistible temptation.  I've been at a loss, until I mentioned it to my acupuncturist.  She has one of those table fountains that's made of clay and plastic tubing that someone gave her years ago, and has been sitting in her closet, unused.  She brought it to me today, and it looks perfect!  Running water, heavy, small, and no visible water reservoir to tempt the cat.

I got home from acupuncture today with the fountain in hand, and as soon as I'd fed the cats, I had it cleaned up, filled with water and ready to go.  I picked up Vagus and set him in front of it, sure he'd be enthralled.  Instead, he was terrified!  He froze, huddled against my legs for a few seconds, then bolted for the living room.

I hope he'll get over it.  Because I really don't want to practice getting up in the middle of the night until I have to because there's a baby to feed!  Anyone else have any suggestions?

(BTW - he isn't drinking more than usual, so I don't think he has diabetes.  I really think he's just being ornery in his old age!)

(BTW#2 - less than six days until my ultrasound!)