Happy Christmas!

It's Christmas night - the end of a lovely, crazy, stressful, funny Christmas. Two exhausted, slightly sticky and very happy boys are snug in their beds as the air conditioner runs so they don't sweat too much in their fuzzy Christmas pjs.

Sitting in my living room by the light of our Christmas tree, snuggled with the dog and under the watchful eye of Darth Vader, I thought about writing a post about our Christmas holiday.

But instead, I started giggling at all the questions I've been asked by a little 4 year old over the past week, at bedtime and in the middle of the night.

Can grasshoppers jump as high as people can?

Can you still breathe in heaven?

How can you walk if one leg is shorter than the other?

What date are you going to heaven?

Why did Grandma watch tv all day long today?

How did they put Han Solo in that carbonite?  How come you don't know how?

How does Santa know if we're awake or not?

Why don't we see Santa if we're outside when he comes?

Why did Fergus (our elf) leave last night? Why didn't he stay until tonight? How did he tell Santa that I was good yesterday?

When I turn 5 am I going to a new school?  What's the name of my new school? Why do I have to go to kindergarten?

Can I keep my Christmas tree up all year?

Does Santa really have kids? How come you don't know?

The questions never stop.  Ever. As half of those were in the middle of the night, I can't even say that they stop when he's asleep. I just wish I was able to give him more answers.

Attainable Goals

There are times lately that everything is really, really good.

These past few weeks have not been one of those times.

First Finn was sick with a fever that lasted 6 days with no other symptoms other than just feeling bad from the fever. On day 5 of the fever I took him to the doctor, and it was just a virus.  We then had a fever-free week before Zachary got a fever that turned out to be strep throat.  In the midst of all that we had 3 rainy weekends in a row.

I've been tired.  The boys have been sick or tired or stir-crazy or all of the above. So there's been lots of crying and fussing and short fuses all around. It's not been fun.

Here's the thing. My kids bring more joy to my life than anything else ever has.  But I'm not sure that I'm doing a good job of letting my kids know how much joy I find in them.  While we've had some really great moments this past month, they seem to be outweighed by times when I've been short-tempered and cross with them.

I realize I'm not perfect.  I can't always respond to irrational meltdowns (or even rational meltdowns for that manner) with calm acceptance and understanding.  But I am the adult in the relationship, and I need to work on acting that way a little more often.  Especially now that I'm starting to see a reflection of my own behavior in Finn when he gets especially frustrated or annoyed by something.

I know it starts with self care.  When I'm rested, I can do better.  When I get regular exercise, I can do better. When I'm hard on myself, I do worse.  I get caught in that negative shit storm of bad feelings about myself and that spills over into how I interact with my kids. I tell my patients who are trying to do better to start with goals they can easily attain.  So I'm going to follow my own advice and make some goals I know I can do:

Hug each child as many times a day as they'll let me.
Sleep at least 7 hours every night.
Walk at least 30 minutes every day.
Spend 20 minutes of bedtime cuddles alone with each child every night.
Listen more.
Listen longer.
Choose love.


I know I'm not alone.  What are your parenting struggles right now?  Feel free to post here or on your own blog if you want to share.  

Getting My Act Together

Somehow it's been another month since my last post.  I'm bursting with things I want to put down in writing, but by the time we have dinner, do bedtime and the boys finally go to sleep, I never seem to have the time to devote to this space.  And when I do have the time, I find myself overwhelmed with all the many "that would make a good blog post" thoughts I have fighting for attention in my brain. So I'm just going to start writing tonight and see what comes out.

Life is good right now.  The bone deep exhaustion of last year is mostly gone, though I wasn't getting enough sleep a few weeks ago and felt so absolutely awful it made me wonder how I survived last year at all.  And made me realize what a better mom I am when I'm getting at least 7 hours of sleep a night.

Having a dog has been challenging and wonderful.  I get up every morning and take him on a 20-30 minute walk.  It's just up and down my street, since the boys are still sleeping (and Finn knows how to Facetime me if he wakes up and wants to talk), but the street is on a hill, so it's a good workout.  My brain feels clearer, and my waistline is getting just the tiniest little bit smaller.  I feel like I'm finally doing a little to take care of myself. And then I sent him to doggy boot camp.  He'll be gone for the next two weeks, learning basic obedience and gaining some much needed confidence, and I'm going to have to find something to keep me exercising while he's gone.

A few months ago I asked myself what things in my life would I change right now if I could - I asked myself as I was reading the Gifts of Imperfection again.  And I realized that I lose mysef - a lot - with my phone and my computer, blanking out the world for more time than I'd care to admit. Brene Brown calls it numbing.  It wouldn't be too off to say it's an addiction.  So I decided to start limiting my phone time at work (I already do at home when the boys are awake, well, I try to, but I'm not always successful). Then I thought again about the things I would change.  One of the biggest ones is the weight of always being behind on my charts at work. It's not uncommon for me to have 80-90 office visit notes to complete at any given time, and it felt like a constant weight around my neck.  In July, I started to work on that.  It took me two months, but in September, I found myself with zero open charts.  I'm back up to 12 this week, but it's been a busy two weeks at work, and usually after a few weeks like this my number would be at 40. It feels good to have something like that finally under control.

I'm now back to working on my house.  I think I've mentioned before that I pretty much threw things where they landed when I moved in 21 months ago.  Now I'm gradually clearing things out.  I don't have a system, though I do have a plan of what needs to be done. I've discovered that it works best if I tackle whichever project is calling my name when I have the time to do it.

One overwhelming task is getting the boys' toys organized and keeping them that way.  I'm not good at it, my nanny isn't good at it, and the boys haven't learned to be good at it. Adding to the problem is the fact that we have tons of toys that both boys have outgrown, as well as quite a few neither actually like.  We're going to try to start with getting rid of all those toys in the next week or two. Then we'll tackle the onerous task of finding an organization system that we can all stick to.

It's all baby steps.  But it's baby steps that are making me feel more free, lighter, and less overwhelmed by the day to day life.  I realize that it will always be a work in progress, but if I can get through my current list of projects, this will become a work in progress that's part of my everyday life, and not a constant series of overwhelming tasks.

A New Addition

Last weekend we added another family member when we brought home 3 year old Vader - a 60 pound black dog who we adopted from a local rescue group.  More than once in the past week I've wondered "what the hell did I do?" even though I've though long and hard about the pros and cons of dog ownership for a very long time. We had some home break ins a few months ago that scared the entire neighborhood and terrified Finn - it was that fear which led me to decide it was time to have a dog in the family, even if I wasn't quite ready for one.  The first morning after he came home, Finn said, "I wasn't scared at all last night.  Do you know why? Because we have a dog now!"

Vader looks fierce, but is actually quite timid - and of course he still needs time to fully adjust to his new home and his new life. While I knew the adjustment period would be hardest, I still didn't quite expect it to be much of a challenge, and so I'm trying to readjust my expectations of the next month. He is very good with the boys, and very patient with their initial nervousness around him, but now that they aren't nervous anymore, he's the nervous one as he has to get used to the sheer volume of noise the two of them can create (it is amazing how much noisier my house is with two boys instead of one - I swear the noise level has quadrupled, not just doubled). I can tell he's going to settle in eventually, though.  Last night we were playing "Kissing Monster" and Vader joined in the fun, with wagging tail and lots of licks for the Kissing Victim.

Then there was the night this weekend when he got away from me after being scared by fireworks our neighbor set off and was gone for 3 hours. That was drama I did not anticipate as the rescue group and some neighbors came out at 9 pm to help me look for him while the kids slept.  It was sometime after 11pm when I was sitting out on the front porch, wondering what I was going to tell the boys, when he came walking up to the house, all on his own.  So clearly he now knows where home is - and so I guess we're stuck with him.  And him with us.

Right now - this time in my life - feels like the start of a new chapter. It's not just the dog, though Ifee like he's the start of it all. I've been making some changes over the past few weeks and I'm feeling really good about them.  I think I'm just about ready to share what I'm doing, but still figuring out how to put it all down in words.  In the meantime, I'm going to get to bed at my actual bedtime tonight, because someone is going to be waking me up for our morning walk at 6am, and it's hard to say no to that sweet face of his.

Date Night

If you're familiar with Dr. Laura Markham, you've probably heard about Special Time - that tiny sliver of time that parent and child spend together for bonding and reconnecting every day.

If you're familiar with the life of a mom who works full time...especially a single mom at that...you're probably aware that Special Time is pretty hard to come by.

My boys each have me to themselves at bedtime.  I let Finn watch 30 minutes of television while I rock Zachary, read him a few stories and sing before bed.  It's our sweet, one on one time that is very special, but since it has the purpose of getting him to sleep, I'm not quite sure it counts as Special Time.  Finn and I then have his bedtime routine - which again I'm not quite sure counts as Special Time, since the sole purpose of the entire time is to get him to go to sleep.

So a few months ago we started doing Date Nights.  Once I get Zachary to sleep, we go downstairs and make small bowls of ice cream, and then we sit on the back porch while we eat and just enjoy each other's company.

It's been well over a month since our last date night, and Finn's behavior has been a little difficult lately - I'm sure due to the craziness of our travels over the past month, as well as the stress of starting a new school. Understandable or not, it's been pretty exhausting and very frustrating. And pretty clear that we were long overdue for Date Night.

So tonight I put Zachary to bed and Finn and I went outside with our fancy ice cream sundaes. We ate.  We listened to bird calls on our favorite app (Merlin Bird ID).  He told me just the tiniest little bit about school ("When I walk in the door, I try not to smile, but I just can't help myself.  I love it so much!") and he asked me about the patients I saw today.  We talked about our next vacations.  We just sat and listened to the cicadas for a few minutes.

It was then that I noticed the sunset, and decided we should walk out to see it.  Which led to picture taking.  And that led to rock jumping (doesn't it always?)

I'm pretty sure I needed Date Night tonight just as much as he did.  It was nice to spend time with no purpose together, no other distractions, just me and him.  Even if the time connecting doesn't help improve his behavior at all, I know it will help improve my reactions to him.  And I'm sure that will help everything.  (This parenting stuff is so much harder than I ever thought it would be.)  

A Preschooler's Prayer

Finn started preschool today, and  I'm acutely aware that this time next year I'll be sharing "first day of kindergarten" pictures... which of course means it's only a few years before I'm sending him off to college.

It's a new school - I moved him from the preschool he was at last year to one that follows the Reggio Emilia approach to education, which I think fits our family better than his previous school.  And, it's only a few minutes from home!  He's in the afternoon session, so I can pick him up a few days a week, as well.

It was a short day with only half his class to allow him time to get comfortable in the classroom, but knowing my boy, it will take a few weeks before he's at home there.  It's such a beautiful space, and his teachers seem lovely - I'm so excited to watch him learn and grow this year.

At bedtime tonight, he said he wanted to say his prayers.  I was expecting something about his first day of school in his prayers. This is what he said:

"Dear God:
"Please turn our house into a ship.
"And then turn me into a Jedi.
"And when you do, give me a real light saber and an astroblaster.
"Then teach me the ways of the Force, so I can fight the bad guys.
"Thank you.  Amen."

Lucky Number 13

Finn had his 13^th MRI on Tuesday.  I've always dreaded each and every MRI, but after last year’s experience, Finn has, too. At random times during the past year he's said to me, “Mommy, I don’t want another MRI,” and while I know it’s not something either of us thought about constantly, it has been weighing on both our minds.  Over the past few weeks we have done several rounds of role playing to prepare for the MRI, with both me being the patient and him being the patient (and I’m astounded by the level of detail he remembers from the last one). But I didn't want him to worry more than he needed to, so I didn't tell him he was going for his next one until the morning of the scan. When I told him that it was his MRI day, his whole face crumpled.  “I don’t want that thing on my arm” he said, referring to the bandage they put on after they took off his bandage.  “And I don’t want the mask.” 

I was prepared for this, and once we talked about the bandage and the mask, I told him I had a surprise for him to watch after his MRI.  Not one, but two Star Wars Lego movies.  This did bring a smile to his face and relieved the imminent threat of tears, but he still wasn’t happy.  When I was buckling him into his car seat, he looked at me and said, "I really hope the MRI shows that I'm healthy."

We had his ultrasound first, which he actually really liked.  The tech was fabulous and turned the screen so Finn could see it, and when it was clear he knew the names of the organs, she started telling him what he was seeing, turned on the color flow so he could see blood flow and even turned up the sound so he could hear the blood rushing through his veins.  He was nervous when he first walked in the room, but he had a huge grin on his face by the time he was done. 

Then we went to MRI.  They didn’t keep us waiting long at all, and within about 15 minutes of walking into the department, the anesthesiologist was giving Finn his “yucky medicine” (Versed).  He swallowed it down like a pro, and then complained of the taste for a few minutes before he started giggling.  He was the cutest little drunk ever.  Once he was very relaxed and happy, the anesthesiologist scooped him up out of my arms, let me give him a few silly kisses and he was on his way without even the slightest protest. Most of the staff in radiology and in recovery remembered Finn, and while he didn't remember them, it was very reassuring to me to see the familiar and friendly faces of people who sincerely care about how Finn is doing.

He was crying when I came up to get him recovery, and cried even harder once I was up there with him, but then started to clear up a little and asked me if his MRI was done.  Hearing that it was, and being allowed to drink some apple juice brightened his spirits considerably.  By the time we made it to the oncologist’s office, he was wobbly but smiling. 

We had to wait until yesterday morning to hear the results, but they were worth waiting for.  Not only was his MRI good, it was great!  He’s had a residual area of abnormality ever since his surgery that we thought would always be there as scar tissue.  Only this time, it is completely gone.  The entire area looks absolutely NORMAL.  That alone is great news.  But to make it even better – the guidelines have recently changed for children diagnosed with neuroblastoma in infancy.  It used to be that the recommendation was continued imaging through age 7.  But now the recommendation is only for 36 months after treatment.  Which means NO MORE MRIs!!!!! 

Over the past year I'd managed to forget the worst of the fear and worry that comes with an upcoming MRI.  I've even gone days on end without once thinking about Finn's diagnosis.  Or I thought I had.  The immense sense of soul-deep relief it gives me to know his risk of recurrence is now so tiny that he doesn't need another MRI is just staggering. I cried. More than once.

I’ve always felt a little like an imposter when I tell people that I have a child who was diagnosed with cancer, since he never had chemo or radiation, and the prognosis was such a good one to begin with. But it was still horrible and awful. It was much better than what some have gone through, but it still really sucked.  

I will be forever thankful that he did not have to get chemotherapy. 

There is not a day that goes by that I don't send out thanks to universe for the life of this this bright, inquisitive and funny boy who enriches my life so profoundly.

And now I'm incredibly thankful he no longer has to worry about his next MRI.  And neither do I.  

All of My Days

When I was trying to get pregnant with Finn, I listened to a few songs over and over and over again. The first song on that play list was All of My Days by Alexi Murdoch.  I would sometimes listen to it on replay, lying on the couch with my hands over my belly and dreaming.

I continued to listen to that play list when pregnant with Finn, and then again when trying to conceive Zachary and when pregnant with him.  Now, the sounds of very first chords of this song immediately remind me of those wistful, hopeful, frightening, sad and beautiful days.

Sunday night the boys and I went to a local SMC get-together, and came home as the sun was getting low in the sky and the worst of the heat was fading.  We stopped at the gas station, and when I got back in the car, Finn asked, "Mommy, can we leave the windows open, and drive home with them down?"

As I pulled out onto the quiet streets leading to home, this song began to play.  I looked into the backseat to see a wide grin on Zachary's face as he waved his hands in the breeze, and a look of bliss on Finn's face as he turned his face into the wind and watched the trees go by.

"This is awesome, Mommy!"

Yes, yes it is.

Rambling Sort of Update

I have not been a good blogger lately.

The truth is, I'm struggling with a lot of things lately.  Not that I'm unhappy, not at all.  It's just that I'm struggling to find a way to coordinate all the various parts of my life that need coordinating.  It's the things that are needed to make our home work: the bills that for some reason can't be automated, random chores that pop up, trying to stay on top of the person who is trying to sell my condo for me, and groceries.  Oh, and the projects.  Oh the projects.  I have so many things I want to do with my house, and not enough time (or money) for any of them. And then the things I need to do for me: staying in touch with friends, editing my photographs, finding new recipes for dinner, and exercise. But central to all of it is taking care of my boys.

It's still a challenge, raising these two, but both of them are a little easier than they were last year.  I don't expect this phase to last, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

So I'm devoting their waking hours when we are together to making sure we have fun and that they learn about the world and how make their way in it, while we make good memories together. While keeping my cool as much as possible and living the peaceful parenting life (holy smokes, that shit is hard). And I'm trying to find a way to balance everything else with that.

I know I have to prioritize, but it's hard when everything feels like it needs to be done right now and yet I never make the time to actually decide what to do first.  And so that's what this blog post is, me working through my thoughts.

After those things that must absolutely be done (bills, etc), I want to make a little more time to stay in touch with my friends. But I've realized over the past few weeks that what I most need to do right now is to get my house in better order.  A couple of weeks ago, I swept and scrubbed my screened-in porch, put out my new outdoor furniture, bought a fern and a outdoor rug and transformed a slightly junky space into a comfortable and inviting living space.  Combined with the landscaping I had done last summer, my backyard is now the only part of my house that is close to the way I want it. When I spend time out there, I feel content. The few minutes or hours I spend out there each day feeds my soul. It's not just the flowers and the sound of the water and all the birds flocking to our feeders, it's the fact that it's a beautiful space and it's OUR beautiful space, that we made as a family. I know that my house doesn't have to be perfect for me to feel that way indoors, but I would like it to be a little more put together (notice I didn't say neat - I'm not expecting that anytime soon!)  I can't afford to do all that I want to, but I can get organized.  I started with my closet - I got rid of everything that is out of fashion, worn out, never worn, too big, too small or too ugly.  When I was done, I was left with a very small selection of things I can wear now, things I can wear in the winter, and things I love that I may be able to wear if I lose another 10 pounds.

It's amazing how much less stressed I feel when picking out clothes.  And how much less stressed I feel when walking in my closet.  It's a neat little oasis in the disaster that is the rest of my house.

My parents are here for the next week, and I'm going to try to use them being here this weekend to get things done that I can't with Zachary underfoot - mainly cleaning out my garage and the storage closet upstairs.  (When I moved in last year, a lot of things just got shoved where they would fit. I imagine I don't actually need most of those things.)

So that's my goal for the summer - to get all the junk in my house sorted, organized, put into use or donated to someone who can use it.  I think it really will take me all summer. But then I can start the fall with an organized house, and maybe I can then find the energy to tackle some of my other projects.

As for this blog...I'm feeling my way around that.  As Finn gets older, I feel more of a responsibility to protect his privacy.  And yet I still feel like I belong here, that I have a story to tell that belongs here. I just need to find the time to tell it. So please don't give up on me as I figure out how to fit this into the rest of the craziness that is my life these days.

It's a beautiful craziness - more wonderful and hectic and terrifying than I ever imagined it could be. And to think - it just gets better from here.

#Microblog Mondays - Last Day to Be 3!

Somehow it's May 11th, and tomorrow Finn will be 4 years old.

He's alternated between absolute excitement and joy "I can't wait another minute!" to wistful sadness "I don't want to turn 4, I want to stay 3."  It's unexpected, seeing my feelings about this day so perfectly mirrored in my child.

I'm going to miss the sweetness of Finn as a 3 year old.  I'm exhausted from the sassiness and limit testing of Finn as a 3 year old.  I'm looking forward to what life with Finn as a 4 year old will be.

Tonight I'm going to go watch my 3 year old as he sleeps.  Drink in the yummy smell of him, watch his toes wiggle in his sleep, and kiss his soft, smooth cheek.  Then once again, thank God and the universe for giving me this beautiful, blue and brown eyed boy to call my son.

Not sure what Microblog Monday is?  Check out this post here! 

#MicroblogMondays - Family Dinner

Ever since we've been in our new house, we've had dinner at the kitchen counter.  It's great for convenience as I clean up after dinner and Finn takes an hour to finish eating.  But now that Zachary is getting older (but not yet old enough to sit at the counter with us), it feels like he's being left out of family dinner, even though his high chair is right next to us.  And for some reason, sitting next to each other seems to make it easier to not talk as much, and for my wandering eyes to catch sight of my phone and be tempted into checking my email. While we're eating at the same time, it just doesn't feel like family dinner.

So today, I decided to have dinner at our dining room table.  Finn and I cooked dinner together; he cracked the eggs and scrambled them while I chopped tomatoes and heated up the skillet.  Then he and Zachary shared a stool to watch as I sauteed the garlic, then the tomatoes and then the spinach (wish I could have gotten a picture of that, but there was no way I was leaving the two of them next to the open flames for even a second!), and supervised as I poured the eggs on top.

I then had just enough time to fix everyone's fruit and drinks before the frittata was done, all the while dealing with a fussy toddler who wanted to be held, but then got mad when I picked him up.

Then we all sat down together to eat as a family. Finn declared the dinner delicious. Zachary tried hard to use his fork. Finn and Zach "talked" to each other as we ate, and Finn talked more to me than usual when he realized that Zach was paying attention. I was really surprised at how much fun it was for all of us.  There are going to be days where it's just not practical, or that I'll need to move them back to the kitchen to finish up while I clean up, but we're definitely going to do it more often.

Though hopefully next time it won't end with Zachary spilling Finn's very full glass of milk all over the floor and then slipping in it.

Closing a Chapter

I went out of town for work on Friday and didn't get home until after the boys were asleep last night. At bedtime tonight, I had a moment's hesitation as I made Zachary's bottle. Was I really prepared to give him a bottle instead of offering him the breast?  Was I really going to do this?

I reminded myself that he probably hasn't been getting much as it is; I'm back to wearing my pre-pregnancy bras, Thursday night AF decided to come back for a visit after a very welcome 2 year absence, and (most telling) after two nights of not breast feeding, I'm feeling not even the slightest hint of discomfort.

And so I gave him his bottle and then held him close to me for a few minutes after he'd finished, and sobbed the entire time.  Zachary didn't seem to notice, and certainly didn't ask to nurse. Though he did pat my back when I held him to me before putting him in his crib, which made me cry even more.

I'm not sad because I loved nursing so much - instead it's just the fact that this is the end of a chapter in our lives.  And endings always make me sad.  Especially an ending like this.  Because if I were married, I wouldn't be ending this chapter just yet.  I've always wanted a big family and always imagined having 3 or 4 kids, if not more. As a single mom, I'm not sure I even really truly want 3 kids, but I keep thinking of my embryo in storage. I look at Zachary and think about that embryo and wonder if it's possible that embryo could be a kid that's as spectacular as he is, and then feel the ache of not knowing this child, too.  

I know that two kids is all I can realistically handle on my own.  I can't imagine how on earth I'd handle the demands of 3 young children and my job. I'm not sure where I'd put a third child in my house.  And looking forward, I have plans to travel with the boys when they're older.  And that would be just about impossible, both logistically and financially.

And so this day, the end of breastfeeding my younger child, is also when I am facing the reality that our family is complete, and that there will be no more pregnancies, no more snuggly newborns and no more lazy nursing sessions with a fuzzy headed little body.

It's also the day I get my body back.

And it's also the day I wrote a check to my clinic for another year's storage for my remaining little embryo.

Apparently I can't quite let go.  Not just yet.

Time to Get Healthy

For the past 5+ years I've been preparing to get pregnant, actively trying to get pregnant, pregnant or nursing.  Come to think of it, my initial consult with my RE was 6 years ago next month. So almost 6 years.  In all likelihood, in one week I will stop nursing Zachary, and that part of my life will be closed.  I'll no longer worry how the food and drink I'm consuming are affecting my egg quality/growing fetus/nursing baby.  I'll no longer have to stop and question every supplement, medication or vitamin that I take.  I'll no longer have TTC, pregnancy and nursing to blame for my expanded waistline - and since Zachary is over a year old, I can't even really use the "I just had a baby excuse."

I've been trying to watch my diet for the past month or so, and I've added in some exercise, and managed to lose 10 pounds (which is the most I've ever lost in that amount of time, ever.  I really was eating pretty horribly).  But I've been stuck at 10 pounds, and I'm forced to admit that as much as I really want to lose weight, I'm not feeling as motivated as I did when I first started.  And then there's the Easter Candy.  I really have no self control around malted milk eggs and Peeps.

I've also come to realize what a huge role sleep plays in my overall sense of well being.  I had several months of really good sleep after night-weaning Zachary, but the past 2-3 weeks have been all out of kilter, with illnesses, teething and work stress.  I'm probably not as tired as I was 4 months ago, but I'm close.  And so I've been more short-tempered with the boys, less motivated at work and hungrier for junk food.  I know my lack of sleep is directly sabotaging my efforts to lose weight.

But here's the thing.  I want to lose weight so I can feel better about how I look, that's true.  But what's really most important is that I need to lose weight so I can be healthier.  I need to exercise so I can be healthier.  I need to eat more nutritious foods so I can be healthier. Because it's not just me anymore. I have two young sons, and I'm 43 years old.  I had gestational diabetes.  I have a family history of heart disease.  And I'm now seeing women my age who are very sick with chronic medical problems they brought upon themselves by not taking care of their bodies. And I realize that they could be me.  I could be them.

I owe it to my kids to be as healthy as I can.  When Finn is my age, I'll be 83.  I want to be alive then and in reasonably good health, able to enjoy my grandkids and not be a burden to my children.  Of course, there's nothing I can do to guarantee that, but there's definitely a lot I can do (or not do) to make it unlikely.

So perhaps it's time for me to start focusing on the truly important reasons why I need to healthy, and why I need to exercise regularly, and why I need to cut down on my sweets (not cut them out, just cut them down!)  Looking better in my clothes will be a nice side benefit, but somehow I think it'll be easier to do the right thing when I focus on my future with my boys instead of my waistline.

I'm holding myself accountable and pledging to check in here next month, before Finn's birthday, and report on how successful I've been.  I think I'll base my success on how many days I reach my health goals (2 servings of fruit a day and 3+ servings of vegetables), how many days of the week I exercised or met my steps goal, and lastly by how much weight I lose.

First step - go to bed early tonight, right after I make my lunch for tomorrow!

14 Months

Somehow, my Zachary is 14 months old today.

He continues to be a big kid - he's wearing clothes now that Finn wore when he was two, and he weighs about 5 pounds less than Finn does now.  This kid loves to eat - I keep waiting for the typical toddler decrease in appetite to hit, but it hasn't yet.  I'm trying to make sure he gets plenty of vegetables with each meal to help fill him up because really, he just can't need that much food! He's chunky, but he is really tall, too, so it does balance out.

He's still nursing at bedtime (and holy cow, nursing a toddler is different than nursing a baby!) though I'm not too sure how much he's actually getting.  I'm going out of town without the kids again next weekend for work, and will be gone two nights.  I've gone two nights without nursing before and had absolutely no discomfort, so I'm thinking this time I might try not nursing him when I get back and see how he - ok, we - do with it.

While he and Finn can make each other laugh hysterically, he is so different from Finn.  He's very physical - he started walking 3 months earlier than Finn did, he loves to climb and has no fear.  We went to a party in the park last weekend for Easter, and Zachary was happy to run off into the crowd without me, something Finn would never have done at that age.

He is so quick with a smile and a laugh, and he still loves to give hugs and snuggles.  Recently he's discovered the little rocking chair on the back porch, and is frequently content to sit and rock, just taking it all in.

He's starting to figure out how things work and where things go.  He puts his dirty diapers in the Diaper Genie and his dirty clothes in the hamper with no prompting.  It's his job to close the baby gate at the top of the stairs when we come upstairs, and he never forgets.  He can go into the pantry and get a baby food pouch when he's hungry, and knows when alarm beeps in the morning it means Nanny M has arrived.

One thing he's not doing is talking.  At this age Finn had 15 words.  Zachary has none.  His receptive language is good, and getting better all the time, and he can follow simple commands. For a few weeks he was signing "more" but then he stopped.  I was trying to get him to sign more when he clearly wanted more food the other night and he refused.  He finally gave in and signed "please" but hasn't done even that since.  He is very vocal, and is incredibly conversational with his babbling, but the only sound he makes that is consistent is something that sounds like "TA-do" that I think is thank you, as he says it whenever someone gives him something.

I know all kids develop on different schedules, so I'm not overly worried, but I do want to make sure I'm doing everything I can to promote his language development.  I've taken to naming things as he points to them, and trying to keep my sentences short and simple when I talk to him.  I think I'll continue with the signing - if I'm consistent with it, he may pick it back up again.

It's funny, how much simpler this age seems now than it did when it was just me and Finn.  My relationship with Finn now has so much more dimension to it, is so much more complex than my relationship with him at 14 months, or with Zachary now.  Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying watching Zachary grow, and quite honestly, the simplicity of his needs and our relationship is a wonderful balance to my relationship with Finn.

I get to wake up Big Brother!

#Microblog Mondays - Making a Kid Happy

"Today do you have to go to work?"

Finn says those words every single morning.  It may not be the first thing he says, but he usually says it within the first 5 minutes of being awake.

Many nights he climbs into bed with me in the middle of the night, but some nights he sleeps the whole night in his room and then comes into my room after I'm already up and in the bathroom.  Even on those mornings, when it's still dark outside and I'm in the shower, he comes in, rubbing eyes against the light: "Today do you have to go to work?"

Sunday morning we all slept late, and the sun was up with the covers of my bed bunched at the bottom when I heard Finn walk into my room.  He paused, and then said in a worried and sad voice, "Mommy?"

"I'm right here," I said, and Finn ran to my bed, climbed up and snuggled up next to me.  He was quiet for a few minutes, and then he asked, "Today do you have to go to work?" I told him no, and he said, "I came in here and didn't see you, and I thought you had already gone to work. But then I heard your voice and you were here!"  He swung his arms wide, "I'm going to hug you now!"

We then spent at least ten minutes talking about what days I'll stay home, and what days I'll work.  "Tomorrow do you have to go to work? The next day? The next day? The day after that? The next day?"  Every "yes" was met with a frown, and every "no" was meet with a huge grin.

Someday it will take more than a day off from work to make him this happy.  But today.  Today I love being able to make him so happy just by being with him all day.

Spring is Here!

I've really struggled this past year.  Being chronically sleep deprived with a huge baby and a 3 year old that is constantly testing his limits has been unbelievably difficult.  I've been grumpy and not at all the mom I want to be.

Which is why I feel like I might be jinxing things to say that things have been pretty good around here lately.  Zachary is sleeping through the night (almost every night) in his own crib, so I've been getting better sleep than I have in two years.  I'm exercising at least a few times a week and I'm eating a little bit healthier. It is amazing how much better I feel, and how much easier it is to handle a challenging kid when I'm doing a better job of taking care of myself.  

Last weekend was absolutely beautiful, so we spent hours outside at our two favorite greenways - and so I've been inspired to find more outdoor activities for us to do.  I found everything from sculpture events and Easter activities at the local botanical garden, to farms designed for visitors to upcoming festivals all within about 30-40 minutes of my house.  And then of course we have fun things to do in our own backyard - tomorrow Finn and I are planting wildflowers on the top of our embankment.

Last weekend was hopefully a peek at the year we have ahead of us.  We had so much fun, and both boys were absolute joys to be with the rest of the day after having so much fresh air and activity.  Last year we didn't do much until the fall when we discovered our greenways, because Zachary was so difficult to take places, but now he loves being out and about - this year is going to be so fun for us all.  Unless it rains a lot. And then I've got to prepare myself for a bunch of time indoors at overly crowded kid museums.

To be honest, I'm a little worried that I'll attempt a few activities and then forget about the other ones, and we'll spend the whole spring and summer in our backyard.  Which wouldn't be awful, I'm sure we'd have a nice time.  But this is the time of my life with my kids that I've been so looking forward to, I want to make sure I get the most out of it.  So I'm putting it out here, that we're going to get out of the house most weekend days and that we're going to try to go somewhere different at least every other weekend.

I think I'm going to have to find some way to get myself organized for our weekends (as well during the week).  I've tried apps on my phone, I've tried dry erase boards...I think maybe it's time to invest in a good, old fashioned weekly calendar.

I also need to find some way to get this year's 365 project going - I've got the pictures, I just need to get them organized.  I think I'll just keep posting them here on the blog, as it was a great way to keep myself accountable and organized.  I've not been overly inspired with creative pictures just yet - maybe planning some adventures and actually posting pictures might help.

Perspective

I used to have these wonderful dreams of kind of mother I'd be (I guess most of us have), but in all those dreams, my kids were perfect, and I never had to deal with misbehavior...in that kind of world, it's easy to be the perfect mom! When Finn grew out of the baby phase and I did have to deal with misbehavior, I realized that the parenting style I grew up with didn't fit me well.  Which led to lots of reading and research on my part as I tried to find what works for me, and that led me to the concept that discipline is about teaching the proper way to behave, not punishing for misbehavior (note, that's not to say there won't be consequences for misbehavior but natural consequences are different than punishments).  I've been holding back from fully embracing this because I wondered what people would think when they saw this in action.  I wondered and I worried that I would be judged.

Over the several months, I've also realized that much of my interactions with both boys is tinged with some constant background noise: am I doing the right thing? am I doing the right thing in the right way? what will other people think of my parenting choices? am I damaging my children? am I making it worse?  The list goes on and on.

It's exhausting, all this worry about other people and about doing things the "right way." It puts distance between me and my boys, keeping me from being in the moment. And it keeps me from trusting in my own instincts.

So these thoughts have been percolating in the back of my mind over the past few months - and then I found myself in a parenting situation with Finn that had quickly deteriorated to the point that he was not thinking at all, not hearing what I was saying, and lashing out by trying to hurt me.  There have been several times this has happened where I have been tempted to laugh at the ridiculousness of it, but stopped myself because "that's not how it's done." But this time, I felt the urge to laugh, so I ignored everything but my instincts and I laughed.

And what do you know - Finn stopped, looked at me with surprise, and then started laughing, too.  Just like that, the horrible moment passed, all bad feelings were lost in the laughter, and he said, "I'm sorry, mommy," gave me a hug, and did what I'd asked him to do.  Later he misbehaved a little and I could see him looking to me to see how I would react and when I reacted with humor, he relaxed and grinned at me.

Wow.  I listened to my instincts instead of over-thinking the situation, and it worked.

Somehow, that's given me the freedom to finally stop worrying so much about the rules and about everyone else and focus on what's right for our family.  I'll take a little that I learned from this book, and little that I learned from that blog, and blend it into something that works.  And whenever we hit a new phase that I struggle with, I'll go back to the books, try something new. And when all else fails, I'll just laugh.

Because sometimes, that's all it takes to make everything better.

365 All Done!

I meant to post this on February 6...but then I got busy.  And so here I am, almost a week later, finally posting the last few pictures of my 365 project.

It's so incredible, looking back through the pictures I've taken in the past year.  I'm pretty sure that without the project I would have still managed to take a lot of pictures of Zachary, but I love that I documented just about every single day of his first year.

And now I'm thinking about doing another 365 day project.  Instead of taking just Zachary's picture, though I'm just going to aim for a picture a day that documents our daily life.  So maybe I'll get Zachary, or Finn, or the cat, or maybe it will be something completely different.  I'm going to try to take it a step beyond just a snapshot every day, but I know that I'll still end up with a lot of those.  But at least a few times a week I'm going to try to take an extra few minutes to really think about photo composition.

I don't know if I'll post them on the blog - I started using ShutterCal last year (but am horribly behind on updating it) and may post there.  I'm not sure.  I need something to keep me accountable and posting on the blog really helped with that, so maybe I will post here.  (I'm so indecisive.)

1/28/15: love his pose in this one.  :)

1/29/15: such a sweet, sleepy smile

1/30/15: playing together

1/31/15: happy boy

2/1/15: adventures in the backyard

2/2/15: asleep in his crib

2/3/15: climbing to get close to big brother

2/4/15: Playing before bedtime

2/5/15: "Look Mommy, Zach is fixing the sink!"

2/6/16: getting ready for bed

2/7/15: Happy Birthday!