12dpIUI

I am definitely not pregnant.  This morning's BFN was followed almost immediately by AF.

At least the bitch didn't keep me waiting.

I was so hopeful.  I had symptoms.  I didn't have that certainty I had with Finn, but my symptoms were enough to make me believe it was real. I'd already imagined telling my parents at Christmas with a t-shirt on Finn that says, "Big Brother."

I really don't want to do this again.



But I want another baby even more.

11dpIUI

I was pretty sure I was going to see two lines when I POAS this morning, so seeing just one was pretty damn disappointing.

Tomorrow is another day, and there's another box of pee sticks waiting.

Getting my shit together

Perhaps the biggest worry I have about having two children is the fear of how I'm going to be able to balance being a mom with the rest of my life. How I'm going to pay the bills, keep house, do my job, and study for boards (I have to recertify in two years).  I've been doing such a poor job at it lately, it's a very real concern.

A few weeks ago I talked with my wonderful friend Heidi who listened all the things I felt I needed to get done, and helped me prioritize the most pressing issues (like filing my taxes).  We came up with a two week plan, and I accomplished everything on the list.  And wouldn't you know, inertia works both ways! Now that I've finally finished those tasks that were so important, and so overwhelming, everything else doesn't seem as hard.  I've planted pansies in my garden.  I've finished unpacking the boxes in the guest bedroom.  I've gone through my piles of papers and organized them in a file box (that even has a place for this year's taxes) and found a system that works for me to keep me from getting this far behind again.

I'm not where I need to be, but it's definitely better.  I can actually believe that I might find a way to make it all work.  I'm not a naturally organized person, but I can learn to be.  As a single mom, I don't think I have a choice!

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I'm 8dpIUI - starting at about 5dpIUI I had a lot of lower abdominal achiness that lasted several days.  I had it last cycle at about the same time, too, but last time was more crampy than achy, and it only lasted a day, so maybe it was different?  I'm not sure if it's still there or not - I had some lower GI issues Sunday morning, and have had gas pains and bloating ever since, which is making it hard to tell if there's also something going on in my uterus, too!

This morning when playing on the floor with Finn I felt some of the achiness and had the thought, "I think I'm really pregnant!"  Of course, not 3 hours later I found myself thinking, "There's no way I'm pregnant."  Crazy.

No idea if I'm going to test on Wednesday (10dpIUI) or wait a few more days.  I'd like to hold out until Friday, but I'm just not sure I can wait that long.

Two Weeks of Torture

Hopefulness.  Anxiety.  Fear.  Impatience.

This is my 6th two week wait, and those words describe them all.  And yet I don't think I'm ever fully prepared for how torturous the two week wait really is.

I'm 4dpIUI.  At this point, there's either an egg that's been fertilized and making its way into my uterus, or there's not.  I'm either pregnant or I'm not.  If I am, my body doesn't even know it yet. My child might already exist, but no one knows, not even me.  Every time I see a patient and schedule them for a 3 or 4 month follow up appointment, I think, "maybe I'll be showing by the time they come back." Every time a patient asks me if I'm planning to have another baby (and boy, do they ask!) I answer, "I'm thinking about it," and wonder if I'll be able to answer their question with "why yes, I am pregnant right now!" at their next appointment.

I am so full of hope that this IUI worked.  I find myself putting my hand on my lower abdomen a lot these past few days, and I imagine being pregnant again.  I think about the fact that it only took 4 IUIs to give me Finn two years ago, and hope that it could happen again.  But that hope also leads me to fear.  Fear that my hope might be misguided, that I'm not actually pregnant, and in 8 days time (or so) I'll be disappointed by one stark line on my home pregnancy test.  Fear of the unknown of what might lie after that.  If I'm not pregnant, I'm thinking of trying one more IUI if this one doesn't work and scheduling an IVF consult for right after that cycle would end.  I had planned on just two, but I'm traveling 3 weekends in a row starting at Thanksgiving and know I wouldn't be able to start an IVF cycle until after then.  And of course that leads to fear of doing IVF...and it not working, either.

After weeks and months of supplements and meditations and acupuncture, it's difficult to be in the two week wait where nothing I do is likely to make much of a difference in my chance of getting pregnant.  I do eat pineapple every day (it's supposed to have an enzyme that helps with implantation).  I meditate every night.  I focus on filling my head and heart with love.  I try to stay optimistic.  None of those feel like they're terribly likely to improve my chances, but maybe they are.

I also pray.  Every night on my walk with Finn, it's quiet and dark, and all I can do is pray.  I feel almost foolish at times - what if there is no embryo cooking inside me, and all those prayers are going to be for nothing?

Oh, but what if they're not?  What if I am going to have another baby come July of next year?

Yeah, the two week wait is just maddening.

Swimmers On Board!

My new lucky socks

As of about 8:45 this morning, I'm PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) once again!  I waited for no more than 5 minutes in the waiting room at my RE's office before being called back by MA, one of the nurses I've known forever.  In no time I was undressed and in the stirrups.  I was told my cervical mucous was beautiful (it's possible I blushed) and the catheter slipped in and then 22.8 million swimmers were set loose to do their job.

Last night I (finally) did a little research on estradiol levels and Femara, and found some very reassuring information.  Bear with me for a little science talk.  Femara is an aromatase inhibitor, and works to prevent estradiol production.  When estradiol levels fall, the pituitary is stimulated by GnRH to make more FSH, which then stimulates the growth of follicles.  So estradiol levels are suppressed to get more FSH, which makes it sound like estradiol levels would be expected to be low in an Femara cycle.  I found lots of anectdotal evidence to support this, then found a study that confirms it.

The study was designed to look at women who were undergoing egg retrieval before starting chemo for breast cancer.  The study had the women treated with Femara and then a gonadotropin (injectables) compared to women treated with just gonadotropins alone.  The end results were similar fertilization rates and number of embryos obtained, but significantly lower estradiol levels in the Femara group: mean +/- sd 483.4 +/- 278.9 vs. 1464.6 +/- 644.9 pg/ml; P < 0.001.

So we're talking estradiol levels of roughly 480 in the Femara group vs 1460 in the non-Femara group with very similar outcomes in an IVF cycle.  That, plus the fact that my estradiol was 250 the cycle with Finn makes me feel MUCH better about my chances this cycle.  I just hope the timing was right - I was a little late with the trigger shot thanks to trying to get Finn to sleep...my good CM and easy IUI make me think the timing was fine, but of course I have to have something to worry about.

We celebrated by meeting my sister and her boys at a local farm for some pumpkin picking before lunch. We picked out the perfect pumpkins in the pumpkin field, then went for a hayride and saw some pigs, chickens and horses.  The boys had fun - and Finn really enjoyed spending time with his cousins.

And now the two week wait begins again!  

Follies and E2

I had an ultrasound this morning - and was a little weirded out by the fact that I wasn't at all bothered by the dildo cam this time - it just seemed like a pretty normal way to spend a morning.

My lining looks great - 12mm (which means that if an egg fertilizes, it'll have a great place to implant and grow).  I had one nice follicle on the left (21mm), and several on the right: the largest was 23, and is probably my old friend Sam the Cyst, and then there was a 21mm and a 15mm.  I was really hoping for at least one on the left, as the only time I ever had a follicle on the left in the past was the time I got pregnant with Finn, so I left my appointment feeling pretty happy.

Based on the ultrasound, it looks like I've got two possible eggs to be released in a few days, so I was hoping for an estradiol level of 400, as it's expected that you'd have a good 200 for each mature egg.  My estradiol was only 202.

I don't know how hard and fast that rule is.  And I don't know if it's possible to have a couple of bum follicles that don't produce any estradiol, and one with a good egg that's producing just the right amount.  I'm going to hope and pray that it is possible, and that I have one good egg on the left.  If it weren't for that damn estradiol, I'd be feeling really optimistic right now.

My IUI is scheduled for 8:30 on Sunday morning. I'd been given instructions to take my trigger shot at 8:30pm tonight.  And then Finn fought sleep, so instead of being done with our walk at 830 as planned, we weren't done until 9:20.  And that's just because I gave up.  He's still awake.  At almost 10:30.  I have no idea what his problem is these days, but I'm at my wit's end with the sleep thing.  I cannot stomach the thought of doing cry it out, but it's starting to look like that might be the only thing that works. I don't mind walking for an hour if he'll go to sleep, but to walk for an hour and then have a child who is still awake at the end of the hour and cries if I put him in his crib, or try to sit and rock him is ridiculous. This is my least favorite time of the day.