39w3d

I have officially reached the point where I am ready to have this baby!  I had an OB appointment yesterday, and was lucky enough to see one of my favorite docs.  In addition to cringing when Dr. H felt my belly and said, “Wow, he’s a big boy!” I also endured my first cervical check, which was surprisingly not bad.  I’ve checked a few cervixes in my time, and seen even more being checked, and every single one of those women came off the table with it.  But somehow I lucked out, and while it wasn’t fun, it wasn’t the torture fest I was anticipating. 

My cervix is softening, but it’s still closed.  So last night I went for a walk in Target after my acupuncture appointment, and today I walked the long way to get my mail.  Not really enough to do anything, but it’s a start, right?  I’m pressing on the acupressure points my acupuncturist recommended to stimulate cervical dilation, too.   Next up is nipple stimulation and sitting on my yoga ball – possibly both at the same time?  What could be more fun that that?

The answer to that is also the very best way to get the cervix to ripen: exposing it to sperm.  Which I don’t have access to…unless I want to thaw one of my remaining two vials of my donor to do the job, and that seems like a bit too much of a waste.  Then again, I could go out clubbing tomorrow night and hope I find a guy who’s really into pregnant women.  And if that doesn’t work, one of my co-workers kindly offered her husband’s services to help me out.  (If I go way past my due date, I might be tempted to go with one of those three options!  Desperate times, desperate measures.)

Tomorrow is my last day at work!  OMG, I can't believe that as of tomorrow I'm going to be on maternity leave.  Me!  Maternity leave!  I never thought it would happen. 

Pregnancy Essentials

Happy Easter!

Let me preface this entry by saying that I am irritable and miserable right now.  My back hurts, every bone in my pelvis hurts, I'm tired and I'm just plain grumpy.

How is it possible that I can feel so blessed to be able to be so miserable?

*********

My list of the Things I Couldn't Live Without during pregnancy:

• A large, reusable ice pack – my back hurts all the time, and 20-30 minutes cuddled up with my ice pack keeps me going.  The bigger the better - there's a lot of places that can hurt back there!
• Colace and Gas-X - I think these are self explanatory
• Cottonelle wipes and Tucks pads – use them every day (provided the Colace is doing it's job, that is).  My bottom is eternally grateful.
• LeachCo body pillow – this is an enormous pillow: there would not be room for another human in my queen sized bed with this pillow, which a reason to be glad to be single and pregnant, because this pillow is amazing.  It supports both my back and front, and continues to do so when I turn over, without a lot of pillow rearranging.   I can lay halfway on my back, on my side, or almost on my stomach and feel supported.  Two cons: the fabric pulls a little too taut at the inside bends in the U at the top and tends to dig into my neck when I sleep.  I solved that problem with a very smooshy and thin feather pillow that I put just inside the U; and it does get hot – but I just keep the ceiling fan on and I’m fine.  Unless the cats want to cuddle, but that’s a whole other story.
• The Boppy Wedge – this has really only be necessary the past few weeks, but it has been a lifesaver now that my belly is so heavy.  I wedge it under my belly, and the rest of the wedge fits under the body pillow.  It would have been annoying to need this earlier in pregnancy, because it requires moving it when I turn over, but I can’t turn over now without waking up anyway, so it works out ok.
• Ice cream.  Lots and lots of ice cream.
• Palmer’s Cocoa Butter – the skin on my boobs itched horribly my first trimester, until I started using this stuff.  And later in pregnancy, the skin on my belly tends to get dry and flaky whenever we go through a growth spurt.   This stuff is so moisturizing and gets rid of the itch almost instantly.  I use it twice a day (sometimes three if necessary) and just love it.  Definitely better than all the expensive stretch mark creams I’ve tried, with the added bonus of smelling yummy.  And so far - no stretch marks!  (Though I fully anticipate that to change after delivery.)
• Maid service every two weeks.  Nothing better than not having to bend over to clean the floor right now.  If only she'd come and clean the litter box every day.
• Cole Haan heels with Nike Air – I splurged towards the end of my first trimester and bought myself a pair of these in two inch heels (black patent leather).  I have worn them to work almost every day for the past 3 months, and complain every time my outfit dictates I wear something else.  My back and feet feel better wearing these shoes than running shoes or flats.  Really.

I'm sure there's more, but these are the big things that really stick out in my mind as being the most wonderful.

Dopplers Revisited

I started a list tonight of the things I have found to be absolutely essential during pregnancy, and the first thing I thought of was my doppler.  And then I decided that this is something that should probably be a post of its own, since it really has been vital for my sanity during a lot of this pregnancy.

Some of you might remember that my doppler also caused a lot of stress on one particular day, early in pregnancy, when I couldn't find a heartbeat at all.  Luckily, I never had that hard of a time finding his heartbeat after that, though there were still times it took a while.  I'm sure the reason it was so hard was because it was still early in pregnancy - it really did get easier to find as the weeks progressed.

I'm not sure I would have needed the reassurance of a doppler if I had not had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy; it's impossible to say whether I would have felt the same sense of anxiety the first time around.  Even though I had a good feeling about this pregnancy from the very beginning, it didn't keep me from feeling slightly neurotic at times, and I really needed all the reassurance I could possibly get!  So as soon as I had an ultrasound that was transabdominal instead of transvag, I was ordering myself a doppler from Baby Beats.  I know you can get much cheaper dopplers elsewhere, but those aren't really dopplers, they're more like glorified microphones.  This place (and several others) rent medical grade dopplers, just like what the OB uses.

I thought about renting one just until the time that I thought I'd be able to feel him moving, but then I decided to go ahead and rent for a full 6 months - a time period that just ended a few days ago.  Before I felt him moving, I used it every single night.  Never for long, just a quick check in to say, yes, he's still there!  And then once I felt him moving, it was so inconsistent at first, that I needed the reassurance to know that he was still really ok, since it would sometimes be hours or even a day or so between feeling him move.  Once he started to move consistently, I didn't listen in as much, maybe once every few days or so.  Usually if I don't feel him move, I can push on him some, and he'll move.  Occasionally all I'll have to do is think about how I haven't felt him moving to get him to give my stomach a good kick, and so I've checked more just to hear the sound of his little heartbeat, and not because I need reassurance.  I had planned on mailing it back last week, but then I had a day where he didn't move much, and he didn't seem to respond when I pushed on him.  This is pretty common in late pregnancy - there just isn't room for a lot of movement anymore - but I still worried.  And it was such a relief to put the probe on my belly and hear that swoosh-swoosh-swoosh!  I've now decided I'm paying the extra $45 to keep it an extra month.  I have put the return box out on the kitchen table though, so I remember to send someone to the post office with it as soon I we get home from the hospital.

It wasn't a particularly cheap investment, but for the peace of mind, it has been well worth the cost!

TMI

This morning on the Today Show there was a segment about pregnant women sharing too much online. It wasn't exactly what I expected. See, I thought the TMI would be stuff like what I was planning on writing about today, but instead it ended up being a segment about women sharing things like videos of themselves after they see two lines on a stick - videos that they promptly post on YouTube and FB.

As I watched these women, I couldn't help but think that they'd certainly never dealt with IF - after the 4th or 5th cycle of POAS, the novelty wears off and women aren't set up with a video camera to record what is anticipated to be another BFN.  And there's absolutely no way they could have possibly experienced a pregnancy loss before, because their reactions to their BFPs were much to innocent and joyful.  I have to admit, I was a little bit jealous of the "Womb TV" women in all their blissful ignorance.  And then a little disappointed when I realized that this was the full extent of Today's coverage of pregnant women sharing too much online.  Because I really do have a TMI post here, and I had thought was a wonderful segue it would be into my post today, instead of an aside before I get started.

*warning:  this is where the TMI stuff comes in*


Yesterday morning, as I was getting into the shower, I noticed something weird on my nipple.  And when I brushed it off, I realized that with just the tiniest bit of squeezing, there's actually liquid coming out of my nipples.  And that weird something was actually some of that dried liquid.  It's a clear liquid, but it's there.  All the strange sensations I've been feeling in my breasts lately must really mean something is going on in there, and now my boobs are leaking.  I guess I should get used to it.

Last night, I finally remembered my plans to work on perineal massage.  I first heard about it from new mommy Oak, back when she was still pregnant and posted about it after a Hypnobabies class.  I did some research, and it turns out that massaging your hoo-hoo, when done properly, really does decrease the chance of tearing during delivery.  Read two very difficult to follow instructions here - that second one that is supposed to clarify things is a doozy; or read some very simple instructions here.  (Yes, I know it says to start this 6 weeks before delivery - I really meant to, but I was out of olive oil.)

It sounds easy enough, right?  Well, last night I discovered that I can't reach my hoo-hoo with my thumbs.  At least not both thumbs at the same time.  I can still bend over and touch my toes without bending my knees and I can still tie my own shoes, but I can not put both thumbs in my hoo-hoo at the same time.  It's a physical impossibility.  I'm so shocked - it never occurred to me that I might not be able to follow the instructions once I finally got around to trying.

Not only that, but even with one thumb pressing down as instructed, it hurts, even when I was barely using any pressure.  When I first tried it I thought, "Ouch!" and then I thought "Motherfucker!" (ok, so maybe I said that out loud.  It's not like Chiquitito hasn't heard it before.  And maybe ouch wasn't really my first thought.)  For a minute there I was seriously doubting my ability to make it through natural childbirth.  But then the pain eased up, and while I know I wasn't doing it exactly right, I could feel everything relax a little, and it was just a little stretching and not actually painful.  I know that tiny amount of pain is nothing compared to childbirth, but the fact that I'm willing to do it again tonight tells me that I might just make it.  Especially when I know there's the reward of a heathy baby ahead.  And no olive oil is involved.

(As an aside, even if I had a partner to help me with this, I'm not sure I would let him.  Things are definitely looking weird down there.  Yes I looked.  It felt so different, how could I not get out a mirror and check things out?)

I have no idea if a couple of weeks of doing this is going to be enough to actually help, but it's worth trying.  Unless of course I throw my back out while trying to get my hoo-hoo massaged properly.  Which is a distinct possibility.

On the Countdown

I can not believe how tired I am these days.  I know it's normal, but somehow I thought I'd escape that.  Just like I thought I'd escape swollen ankles and hemorrhoids.  I have no idea why I thought I'd be any different than every other woman on the planet who's 9 months pregnant, but I've now been proven wrong!

Last night I had dinner with LB, and after dinner we came back to my place to visit and so she could feel my belly and tell me what position Chiquitito is in, since I've been having trouble being sure myself.  I felt like he dropped some after my acupuncture appointment last week - the first one where she started adding needles to points that will help prepare my body for labor.  Ever since then, it's been easier to bend over, and I was pretty sure his head had dropped into my pelvis.  But then at times it feels like his head is under my ribcage, so I wasn't sure.  LB confirmed that his head is low, and he's all stretched out with his butt and thighs under my ribcage, and his legs usually extended off to the side.  He feels awfully long, but I'm really short-waisted, so it's hard to have real perspective.  And it is awfully nice to have a friend who's an OB!

As of today, I have two weeks of work left (yes, I'm working up until my due date - but I'm planning on taking 3 months off, and I want to make sure most of that time is going to be spent with Chiquitito once he's born) and as a bonus I have a three day weekend starting tomorrow.  First thing in the morning, I'm taking my car and car seat to a car seat clinic to have the experts install it for me.  It's technically one of those where they are supposed to just inspect it, but everyone I know who has been to one says they learned they did it wrong, and the workers had to redo it anyway.  So I'll just be saving them the step of having to undo my mistakes, which I think it very kind of me.

I have an appointment for a prenatal massage after that and then I'm planning on getting a pedicure (my toenails are atrocious and it's getting way to warm to continue to wear close toed shoes), followed by some Target shopping and some exchanges at the baby stores.  I'm wrapping up the day with dinner with  the newly knocked up bun in the oven, which is always a fun time!

T-18 days and counting!

What I'm Afraid Of

Some of the comments on my last post got me to thinking.  Specifically, thinking about how I’d been a little misleading in my fear of “giving in” to an epidural – and that led me to think about what I’m really afraid of as I head into the last 3 weeks (or so) of pregnancy.

My Fears

• I’ll be a crazy, whiny, annoying, screaming and crying woman the entire time I’m in labor – I really don’t want to be one of those women who all the nurses hate and who is an absolute pain in the ass because I’m so awful. 
• I’ll end up getting an epidural and because of that I’ll get one of my horrible headaches.  Or that the hormonal changes after pregnancy will give me a headache.  Either way, that one of my occasional, horrible, nearly incapacitating headaches will show up around the time of delivery and I’ll spend the first few days with my baby boy, miserable and barely able to function because my head hurts so much.
• My biggest fear is that Something Bad will happen.

My doula (Alex) and I discussed my fears today, and we’re both pretty sure that I’m not going to turn into one of Those Women, though I might temporarily resemble that woman during transition.  As far as my headaches go, one of the big triggers –aside from hormonal changes - is clenching my jaw and tensing up my neck and shoulders, so she’s going to make sure I avoid doing that as much as possible.  And for the last fear – well, I think every pregnant woman has it.  I know the chances are small, and I’m just going to focus on the fact that I’ve had a normal pregnancy so far, and that means that most likely I’ll have a normal delivery, too.

So I’m still nervous, but I’m not sure I’d say I’m actually overly worried or frightened.  And, while I really hope I don’t get an epidural, I’m ok with it if I end up getting one.  Reasons why I think I’d get one would be if labor dragged on, and I was just exhausted and had to have some rest, or if I needed Pitocin.  If the Pitocin is required, then so is an epidural!

Alex also pointed out that as of tomorrow, I’ll be 37 weeks, also known as full term. 

Which means I need to get things ready, as he really could come at any time now!  My hospital bag is now packed - minus Chiquitito’s going home outfit, which is in the dryer right now.  (I just did my first load of baby clothes – first of many, I know, but still exciting to be the first!)  I actually have two bags – one with my clothes and toiletries, and another to hold my camera and computer.   I had thought to keep at least the one with my clothes in the car, but now I’m thinking I might just keep them in the house.  Even if I go into labor at work (which is just across the street from the hospital), I’ll probably still go home first (20 minutes from the hospital), because I really don’t want to go to the hospital the second labor starts. 

Realistically speaking, I’ll probably go to into labor in the middle of the night.  And when I do go into labor, it’ll be after I’m already off work (I’ve got patients scheduled up to April 29 – the Friday before my due date), since most women deliver their first babies after their due date. 

But then again, the next full moon is April 17…..

Ramblings of a Crazy Pregnant Woman

Thank you for all the lovely comments on my last post – my photographer rocks, doesn’t she? 

For the past few days I’ve felt really good.  My back pain has changed to a more manageable discomfort, my energy has increased, I’ve had to pee a million times more than I usually do, and I’ve felt more pressure and stretching in my va-jay-jay.  Chiquitito doesn't look like he dropped, but I’m not carrying quite as high as I was, so I think things are moving and preparing in there. 

For years I’ve looked at women in their ninth month of pregnancy and wondered what they were thinking and feeling as they approached delivery.  And now that I’m in my ninth month, I realize it’s not just one feeling or thought – it’s a huge jumble of anxiety, anticipation, and hope and fear.  The countdown in my mind is always tempered by the thought that he might be early, or he might be late.  And all the changes I’m feeling right now have really amplified that realization that I am not in control here.  I can’t set the date, I can’t arrange things to ensure that everyone I want to be there will be there, I can’t even control if I go into labor at home, like I want, or at work, which I really don’t want. 

Labor and delivery is such a mystery to me, even after seeing a lot of deliveries in my medical training, and then being present at my sister’s two deliveries.  I wonder if I’ll be one of those women who is able to allow my body to accept labor as it comes, and work the contractions to deliver my boy with strength and joy, or if I’ll be one of those who swears and cries and screams and begs for an epidural.   Oh, I really hope I’ll be the former, but I’m so afraid I’ll be the latter! 

I think I need to focus on each day, instead of what might come tomorrow, or I might not make it to May with my sanity intact! 

So today I’m going to be happy for another day of feeling good, and not going to worry that it means I’m about to go into labor, like one of my elderly patients suggested today.  I’m going to wear the same clothes over and over again, because I’m down to 2 pairs of pants, five shirts, one skirt and two dresses I can wear, and just be proud I’m still wearing heels every day.  I’m going to embrace the multiple visits to the bathroom, and try not to grumble too much at my doctor’s office on Friday when they hand me yet another cup to pee in.  (Though seriously, there has to be an easier way for a woman with a huge belly to give a clean catch urine specimen!  It’s hard enough to use the wipes to clean with when you can’t see what you’re wiping, but then to have to get the pee into that little cup, when you can’t see the pee or the cup, and can barely get the cup down there in the first place?  Why isn’t there a government study to find a better way to do this?)

But most of all, I'm going to savor these days and weeks of being pregnant.  This might be the only time I'm ever lucky enough to experience this miracle.

Maternity Pictures

A couple of years ago, I decided I needed to try to branch out a little from my usual landscape/travel photography and try something different, so I took a photography class on lighting.  It was way out of my comfort zone (photographically speaking) but I did learn a lot, and had a lot of fun while doing so.  But best of all, I met Cassandra, a classmate who always had amazing images to share every week.  I kept in touch with her via Facebook, and was so excited when she started her own photography business – BlueSky Studios - not long after the class was over.  I’ve followed her blog, admired her work, and knew that I really wanted her to be the one to take pictures of me and Chiquitito once he’s born.

I always thought I’d want to do some maternity pictures, too, and so I contacted her a few months ago to see if she’d be willing to take some pictures of pregnant me.  We agreed on a date, and met at the end of February, when I was just about 31 weeks.  (I can’t believe I’m just now posting these.  I’m such a slacker.)

I’d gone back and forth about whether I wanted to do pictures later, when my bump was bigger, but I’m so glad I went ahead and did them then.  I didn’t feel too unwieldy trying to get around, and I really like how my belly looks in the pictures. Now I’m much bigger, and much more uncomfortable – I just don’t think I would have had as much fun if I’d done them now.

Yes, I said fun! I never mind having my picture taken in casual settings, but the idea of a professional photo session brings back horrible memories of being in my aunt’s wedding in the 7^th grade, and failing miserably at producing anything but an uncomfortable grimace whenever I was told to smile.  Working with Cassandra was so enjoyable.  I felt completely at ease, and had no problem smiling on demand – and I ended up being very happy with both the pictures, and how I look in them. 

And now, without further ado – here’s a little sampling of her work – and my belly.   I can’t wait to see her again for Chiquitio’s first session sometime next month! 

We took a series of silhouettes in my apartment - this wasn't my favorite, but I had to include it, because Vagus just had to get into at least one of the shots!

I've always wanted an engagement or wedding photo shoot with a city skyline in the background.  Since there's no wedding in sight for me, I decided a baby bump was the perfect excuse for some city shots!

I just love this one!

I just realized that I wore some killer heels in these pictures, and you can't see them - well, you'll just have to take my word for it!  (Not that I could walk well in them - but at least my feet looked good!)