Goodbye 2014!

2014 has been a strange and sad and wonderful year for me.  I moved into my new house - a house that is still an unorganized mess but I love it, and we're finally starting to feel like it's home.  I had a new baby - and I still can't quite believe I'm the mom to two boys.  I've lost a friend - a friend who has been a part of my life for over 15 years, until a few months ago when she decided she didn't want to be a part of it anymore.  A friend who brought a lot of joy, but over the past few years has also brought a lot of stress.  And while I miss her, I also feel a little guilty that my life is actually a little bit better, a little bit easier, without her in it.  My nanny had a huge health scare (we thought she had a brain tumor - turns out it was just a weird shadow on a CT scan) and then got married.  One of my work partners did have a brain tumor (benign) and had major surgery at the beginning of the year.  And then another of my work partners developed lymphoma and has been out of work since June, and will probably be out another 6 months, at least.  My coworkers have become family, while at the same time my work itself has become more and more frustrating and less and less fulfilling.

It's been a year of transition, of learning what my life is now, and what's most important to me.

Life as a mother of two is not at all what I expected.  It's so much harder than I thought.  It has forced me to grow and mature and change in ways I never imagined.  And it is so much better - better than I ever dreamed it could be.

But it still needs some work.  My life needs some work.  There's a lot that I want to do that I can't manage right now, but there are two things that are realistic goals for 2015.

The first is getting organized.  I moved into this house when I was 36 weeks pregnant and a lot of things were just shoved in the closet with the most room, and it's a mess.  My goal for the next month or so is to systematically go through each closet in every room and clean house.  It'll take a lot of time, but it will be worth it.

My second is to take more time for myself.  My new schedule starts next week (but of course I'm on hospital call next week, so technically my new schedule doesn't start until the following week), and I'll be finishing about an hour earlier every day than I am now.  I'm going to make it a point to do something for myself every week - some time at the gym, a manicure, a massage - it'll only be an extra hour, but I can make that extra hour count, and still have more time with the boys.

And maybe I can actually keep up with my 365 project for the last 5 weeks until it's officially done.

12/3/14: There's something on my face, isn't there?

12/4/14: this boy loves drinking his water thru a straw

12/5/14: hanging out with big brother

12/6/14: crawling around Dillards, waiting to meet Santa

12/7/14: checking out the view from my condo

12/8/14: loving the hair dryer

12/9/14: definitely getting into trouble

12/10/14: he's perfected that "I'm so cute" pose

12/11/14: If I did this to Finn, he'd freak out.  Z barely minds.

12/12/14: having trouble getting the cheese to his mouth

12/13/14: Christmas shopping

12/14/14: clearly loving more Christmas shopping

12/15/14: nothing is safe

12/16/14: sitting on the floor during Finn's Christmas program

12/17/14: selfie with mommy

12/18/14: brothers

12/19/14: Christmas presents!

12/20/14: on the plane heading to Florida

12/21/14: poor baby with a rash

12/22/14: waiting to see the doctor in Urgent Care

12/23/14: Christmas tree!

12/24/14: Christmas Eve

12/25/14: Zachary's first Christmas morning

12/26/14: beach baby

12/27/14: wishing it were warm enough to go swimming

12/28/14: one last walk out to the bay before heading to the airport

12/29/14: this drawer is much more interesting if I crawl into it

If you've stuck with me this long - Happy New Year!  I hope that 2015 is a wonderful, fruitful and joyful year for us all!

Worst Vacation Ever

That title might be a slight exaggeration, as my entire week of vacation didn't suck, but the first half did.  Within hours of getting to my parents' house last Saturday afternoon, I got sick.  I started with a fever, then diarrhea, then more fever, whole body aches, more diarrhea, and then vomiting and more fever.  I can't remember when I last felt so bad, and most of the first few days were a blur. On Tuesday morning, I did something I've never done before - I went to the ER.  Luckily it wasn't too terribly busy, so I was back in room with an IV and nausea meds within an hour.  I got two liters of fluid, some more nausea medications and was sent home feeling a little less like I was about to die.

My family watched Finn for me while I felt so awful, of course, but Zachary was still mostly dependent on me, as he had meltdowns whenever I left the room.  Amazingly I only had one day that my milk supply seemed compromised, and that was the day I felt the worst.  I suspect the IV fluids contributed to boosting my supply back.

By Christmas Day I was back to feeling normal, and even joined the family for dinner for the first time all week.  The last few days of vacation were what I had hoped for - time to visit with my sister and her family who I have missed so very much, and the joy of watching our boys play together.

Christmas stockings

I do feel somewhat rested...as rested as a person can feel after a week of sharing a creaky double bed with two boys, that is.  The entire week Zachary was not able to self soothe any time he woke up, which has me worried, but a few minutes ago he woke up crying and put himself right back to sleep, so I'm hoping he's back on track now that we're home.

It's almost the end of December, and I've barely posted any of my 365 project pictures this month.  I'll fix that before the end of the year!  In the meantime, I'm going to go take advantage of my soft (but crowded) bed and and get some sleep.

cousins ready for an expedition

digging in the sand

the best pic I could get of the 3 of us

beach baby

me and my sis

All Cats Go to Heaven

In the middle of our burrito dinner tonight Finn asked, "How did Vagus get to heaven? It's in the sky, how did he get there?"

I thought about it for a minute, and then said, "I'm not sure how it works.  I know he decided that it was time for him to go to heaven and so I think God helped him."

"Why did he go to heaven?"

"Everyone goes there eventually.  I'm not sure why."

"Are you going to go to heaven?"

"Someday.  A long time from now."

"But I don't want you to go to heaven.  Because then I won't have a mommy." At this point his eyes were getting red.  "And you'll be lonely if you go all by yourself."

"Oh, Finn.  It's a long long time before I'll be ready to go to heaven.  You'll be grown up with kids of your own by then."

"But I don't want you to go.  If you go to heaven, there won't be a mommy.  Only daddies.  And I don't want you to go."

I came around to give him a hug.  "I'm not going anywhere right now."

He hugged me back.  "Don't go to heaven.  If you leave, I won't have anyone who loves me."

"No one will ever love you the way I do, Finn.  But you have lots of people who love you.  And as you get older, you'll have lots more people who love you."

"Why?"

"Because you're a wonderful little boy and you'll be a wonderful man when you grow up."

"Men aren't wonderful."

"Yes they are, PopPop is wonderful, isn't he?"

Finn thought for a minute.  "Yes, he is.  But girls aren't wonderful."

"They aren't?"

"No, they're fantastic."

Sick (but happy) Kids

These past few weeks have been exhausting. Poor Zachary had double ear infections the week of Thanksgiving, then another cold (complete with fever) last week, and yet another febrile illness this week.  His sleep has gone from pretty good to awful and I'm exhausted.  Every time I think we can do a little sleep training, he gets sick again.  Tuesday night was the worst - Zachary was awake from 2am-5am and in the middle of that, Finn came running into my room and threw up on my bed. And of course I've had all the colds they've had, though my symptoms have been relatively mild compared to theirs.

I really hope this isn't the way things are going to be the rest of the winter.

When he's not sick, Zachary is full of smiles and into everything.  He's so tall he can grab things I'd never expect he could reach, and he sees everything.  He's a fast crawler, is cruising now and climbing stairs.  He loves to eat, but has an incredible gag reflex, so advancing from baby food to solids is slow going.  I am weeks behind on my pictures, so I'm going to post a ton here today and try to get fully caught up next week.

11/17/14: pjs at my office (bad traffic meant Nanny M was running late)

11/18/14: wide awake at 9:30pm and happy as can be

11/19/14: playing with his big brother

11/20/14: more sibling play

11/21/14: gimme a steak!

11/22/14: sound asleep in the car seat

11/23/14: after bath

11/24/14: loves his morning yogurt

11/25/14: hi mom!

11/26/14: sleeping

11/27/14: remnants of Thanksgiving dinner on his face

11/28/14: visiting the lighthouse on Hilton Head Island

11/29/14: bundled up 

11/30/14: missing out on the beach fun

12/1/14: loves green beans!

12/2/14: brother snuggles