Overwhelmed!

I took this picture a few weeks ago while out with Finn and Heidi (yes, we had a baby in a bar).  It definitely sums up the way I feel these days.

This past weekend, Finn and I flew up to New York to surprise Heidi for her 40th birthday.  We had a wonderful time, which more than made up for the fact that Finn was not a happy traveler on the way home.  I would love to devote an entire post just to our wonderful weekend with Aunt Heidi, Aunt Mindy and Uncle Josh and oh-so-adorable-Cousin Anabel, but I just don't have time to even do it justice!

Somehow, I had it in my mind that the actual moving part of moving wasn't going to be that bad, since I'm lucky enough to have movers that are packing me up in addition to actually moving my stuff.  The packers (well, packer) has been here all week, and there are boxes everywhere.  But there's a lot of stuff I still have to do myself: packing things I don't want the packer to do like my bathroom and my drawers of financial papers, etc, pulling out clothes for me and Finn for the next few days, and disconnecting tv equipment so it can be packed.  And then there's the stuff I have to move myself: things in the fridge, my wine (I can't believe how much wine I have), cleaning stuff, and my super fragile things that are also very sentimental.

It's a lot to do in a week.  Especially when I have this pesky thing called a job that is taking up so much of my time.  But I have a wonderful nanny who will be taking care of Finn on Saturday while the movers are here, and has been helping out with getting things together and organized this week, and who will be a huge help once we're moved.  And I have friends who are coming to help this weekend, and hopefully next weekend, too, and then my parents will be here the following weekend.  So while it's all overwhelming, it will all get done, and I'll probably even have some fun while doing it as long as I don't let myself too crazy.

I didn't get around to notifying my internet provider that I'm moving until tonight.  And while I can get TV hooked up on Sunday, I can't get my internet back until next Thursday.  NEXT THURSDAY!    I could go without TV until Thursday, but going without internet? I'm not sure how I'm going to manage going without reading my blogs for that long.  I might have to take my computer to a restaurant with free WiFi during lunch next week just so I can check in and see how everyone's doing.  I'm already behind with the commenting, I'm going to be ages behind now!

And now it's almost 11pm.  It's amazing how easy it is to procrastinate with a blog entry.  I'm going to leave with a little pic spam, and I'll be back soon - hopefully before next Thursday.

Anabel giving Finn kisses

Finn discovering the joys of putting things in the toilet

Sadness

Joey died this morning.

There are things that aren't ever supposed to happen. A child dying is one of them.


I will never forget that moment on the phone, sitting in the hospital room rocking my little boy who was still out of sorts from the anesthesia, hearing that they had found a tumor. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as my breath caught and my mind raced, imagining all the potentially horrible things to come.

Every night as I cuddle with Finn now, I'm filled with love for him, and thankfulness that he is managing to fight off this horrible disease, and that he's been able to do it so far without chemo or radiation treatments.  I am so unbelievably thankful.  I will always worry - not just the normal nebulous mommy worry that every mom has, but that specific fear of what might happen because of this tumor. The fear born out of the reality of hearing your son has cancer. And while I can't possibly begin to know what it's like to deal with the disease the way that Joey's parents have, I think I can come closer to imagining it now, having experienced that afternoon in August and the terrifying weeks that followed.

There is no way to make sense of this sort of thing.  I've said before that I used to think that "bad things happen for a reason." But what reason could there be for a little boy who loved Legos and Star Wars to die?  What reason is there for a 3 month old to be diagnosed with cancer?  What reason is there for a baby to be born still at 20 weeks?  Or for a woman to have miscarriage after miscarriage - or never be able to get pregnant at all?  There is no reason that is good enough to explain these things, or the other bad and horrible things that happen.  If only there were words that existed to make the hurt go away, to make things right when they go so horribly wrong.

Last week Joey's mom posted something on their Caring Bridge site that was beautiful and heartbreaking. I haven't been able to stop thinking of it this week, so I'm sharing it here, in memory of a beautiful little boy I only knew in passing, and in honor of his family.


Lullabies and a rocking chair have been a special part of our days together since we brought Joey home from the hospital in May of 2006.  Sitting in the glider, all sleep deprived and overwhelmed, I would cradle him in my arms and together we would fall fast into sweet sleep.  These last weeks have been deeply reminiscent of those early days as I hold him in my arms and rock, a familiar music playing in the background.  Just as he did nearly 7 years ago, Joey drifts into the land of little boy dreams while I stare and take in the face of my sweet boy. 


The days have started to meld together, each one mingling the familiar- a glimpse of his sweet smile, a short burst of energy- with the uncharted- increased pain and difficult conversations.  These are hard days.  These are treasured days.  These are days in which I cannot make sense of the pain and the heartache.  And these are days that are teaching my heart to trust in a new way.
  
Frankly, I hate where we are in this journey.  My mother’s heart longs to have Joey near for years piled upon years.  When I allow myself to imagine my days without him, I am overcome by heartbreak so strong I feel as though I am being swallowed up by darkness.  My faith in an eternal Hope is a Constant Companion and Friend but even during times of great sadness, companions and friends stand in the background and allow the grieving heart to do simply that, grieve. 

Adventures in Eating

Finn still prefers breast milk to food, but he's starting to find things he really likes to eat, and not just stuff he'll tolerate.  He is getting to where he'll eat more in one sitting too, and has actually eaten an entire jar of baby food on more than one occasion now, which isn't that big a deal for most babies, but Finn still regularly eats less food than babies half his size!

He definitely prefers feeding himself, but I've also found that he will take more pureed baby food if he's holding a spoon himself and if I'm eating with him.  That whole "family meal" thing is something I'd always wanted to do in my family, so it makes me happy to see that Finn feels the same way.

We've been trying new foods lately, he loves blueberries and edamame and peas.  He tolerates yogurt.  Which is better than me, I can't even stand to look at yogurt, though it is pretty cute smeared all over his face.

He doesn't like watermelon (and this was amazingly good watermelon - tasted like the middle of August!)


He though arugula was pretty good.


He can't get enough broccoli!


His favorite though is still paper.


Too bad there's not much nutritional value in paper - he's be the healthiest kid on the planet if there were.

Hopefully sometime soon he starts to like real food more than breast milk, so that it's not too traumatic for either of us when it comes time to really start weaning.  I did cut down to one pump session last week, finally.  It wasn't as difficult as I thought it was going to be.  Phew.

Moving On Up!

I found a new home for me and Finn!

A week ago I drove through the neighborhood I wanted to live in, and just drove around.  I was about to leave, when I saw a "For Lease" sign in the front yard of a cute yellow house.  It took a week to arrange a time to see it, but when I walked in the front door I knew it was going to be the house for us. I'd never actually buy it, but it's perfect for us right now.

The downstairs has a nice open floor plan, and the kitchen is big enough for Finn to play on the floor, or even to have a little kids table there when he's older.  There are a lot of big windows, plenty of storage, the yard maintenance for the tiny yard is included, and it has 3 bedrooms.  It's not my dream home.  It's all carpet (which might be a good thing when he starts to learn to walk), the bedrooms are small and the bathrooms are tiny, there's no garage and the fridge is probably not big enough - I think I'm going to have to buy a new one.  But the best thing about it is the price - the monthly rent is significantly less than what I'll be getting in rent for my condo. I can put that money towards what I owe on my condo, so when the market improves in a few years, I can sell my condo and buy the absolutely perfect house for me.  (Ok, so we all know life NEVER goes according to plan, but at least this is a plan that has the potential to actually work out!)  

Now to find someone to rent my place!  We've had 6 showings in the past week, and two were really interested.  My realtor thinks we should have someone soon - I hope she's right.

I guess it's time to start thinking about movers.  Wow.  I can't believe we're really going to live in a HOUSE.  No more loud neighbors.  I can have a bird feeder again.  Finn will have a place to run around, and can actually have some riding toys (do they still make Big Wheels?) when he's old enough.  Woohoo!

Cancer Sucks

When Finn was first diagnosed with neuroblastoma, my sister's neighbors reached out to her and offered to help me in any way they could.  Their 5 year old little boy, Joey, has been fighting neuroblastoma since he was 2.  He's been in multiple clinical trials, traveled to Sloan-Kettering in New York and Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, in between which he's a little boy who loves to play with my nephew D, goes to kindergarden and pesters his two older sisters.

He had over two years of clear scans, and then, in 2010, scans showed he'd relapsed.  This week, his parents learned that his cancer has progressed again, and were told that they could consider one more round of chemo, but it would only be prolonging the inevitable.

How can a parent face a decision like that?  And how does a parent explain this to their children, his friends, his sisters?

Children aren't supposed to die before their parents.  Even before becoming a parent, we all know that to be true.  I'm pretty sure that once becoming a parent, it's normal to feel the loss, or impending loss, of a child even more strongly.  But I cannot believe how much this has upset me.  I haven't cried like this since those first nights in the hospital last August, and I don't really know Joey or his parents.  I guess this just brings home that underlying fear that one of Finn's scans will show something bad.

Finn's cancer is totally different - they might as well be called different things, since the behavior of his cancer is/has been so different from that of someone who is older when diagnosed.  But they aren't called different things.  And so while I'm crying for Joey and his parents, I'm also crying for my own fear for Finn.

This week I got in the mail a schedule of all of Finn's planned MRIs.  He's going to get every 3 month MRIs through July, then it's going to go to every 6 months for a few years before changing to scans once a year until he's 7 years old.  Joey never made it out of the every 3 months schedule.  His cancer is that different.

Please say a little prayer for Joey and his family tonight.  I can't imagine how they're facing what they know is coming in the days ahead, and my heart breaks for them.

Missing: My Brain

I'm pretty sure I've lost my mind. I'm juggling way too many things at work, not to mention getting ready to have the "we've had it, fix our problems, now!" meeting with our administrators on Monday. I'm tired, I've got a cold, and I've had to make up my bed every single day for the past two weeks in case someone comes to look at my condo.  Here are a few highlights of the past week and a half:

• Driving in the country, taking Finn to A's last week: "Look Finn! There're some cows! Oh. No. Wait. Those are horses." Oops. 
• I've been thinking my milk supply has dropped a lot the past month - until I leaked through my bra more than once in the past week. (I'm typing this with a huge wet spot on my t-shirt, and my favorite nursing bra soaked through.) Why can I not remember my nursing pads these days? 
• Getting into the car after leaving Target with Finn this weekend, I got in the car and started to put the key in the ignition, when I realized I was still holding Finn. 
• My nose started to itch while changing a poopy diaper. Sure there was poop on my hands, I rubbed my nose with sleeve, only to discover there was actually poop on my sleeve. Gave a whole new meaning to the term "shit faced." 
• I'm going to the beach at the end of April - just a little over two months from now. I really want to lose a few pounds so I can fit into my swimsuits without embarrassment, and yet I can NOT stop eating. Tonight I actually ate two spoonfuls of hot chocolate mix straight from the can. Really. 
• I've spilled water or Diet Coke almost every single day for the past two weeks. In my car, on my shirt, on charts, on the floor, on Finn, on the cats - no one is safe.    
• I overslept by 40 minutes this morning.  The only reason I woke up was because a little boy started wiggling around and hitting me in the face.     

Yeah, it's a pretty good life with this little boy in it.

House Hunting

I looked at another house yesterday.  It was in a wonderful neighborhood, but the house itself had a weird layout - it's 4 bedrooms, with the master bedroom downstairs, right off the back porch.  It's a house that has a detached garage, and in order to get into the house from the garage, you have to enter through the master bedroom.  Who designs a home like that and thinks it's a good idea?

The owners have the master set up as a den, as it's right next to the open room that's the dining room, living room and kitchen.  Only each part of that room is fairly small - I think if you take out the bedroom/den, the downstairs living area is actually smaller than what I have right now.

Still, there's more tons more storage (there's actually room to put my dishes in the kitchen cabinets!) and it's a great neighborhood with a nice, fenced in backyard and just a short walk to the pool and a playground.  I was considering it, until I found out that the the owners would want a 2 year lease, 2 months rent up front, plus a $500 non-refundable pet deposit, because they're highly allergic to cats (which explains the elderly cat they have wandering around the house).  Well, at least they made that decision easy for me.

I've been looking at homes for sale in the first neighborhood I looked at last weekend.  I love them all (they're all the same builder, a builder I've loved for ages).  It makes me so sad to know that if I could sell my condo for what I paid for it 6 years ago, I could easily afford to buy one that would fit me perfectly.  Stupid economy.  Why doesn't somebody fix it, already?

There are times that it's better not to know what's ahead, but in this case, I really wish someone had told me not to buy a place in 2005.  I would have missed out on the tax benefits from writing off the interest, but in retrospect, that would have been just fine.

Aside from continued house hunting, we've had a nice weekend so far.  Finn's suddenly developed a bit of a temper.  When I take something away from him, it used to make him cry.  Now he looks at me and actually lets out a yell with a look of outrage on his face.  He looks so indignant, it's hard not to laugh.

Frustrated Baby

He's not crawling, but he is rolling to move around, especially when we're in bed.  When he wants something that's just out of his reach, I can see him thinking about how he can get it.  He tries to get into crawling position, but never quite makes it, or gets frustrated when he gets there and can't figure out what to do.  Yet.  I'm definitely enjoying my last few weeks or so of a non-baby proofed house.