Keeping a Secret

The last time I was pregnant, I told everyone the good news, even before my first ultrasound.  I didn’t really mean to tell everyone, though.  I’d planned on telling a close group of friends who already knew that I was trying, my sister and my parents.  But then I made the mistake of telling someone when I got to work, because I just couldn’t help myself, I was so excited.  And less than an hour later, I was getting a text from someone who works for a completely different company, all the way on the other side of town, telling me congratulations.

Well, after that, I figured if everyone was going to find out anyway, I might as well be the one who told them.  It was a thing of joy, telling everyone the good news, especially those who didn’t know I was trying.  Everyone was so happy for me, and it felt wonderful to be so supported.

And then I learned that I’d had a missed miscarriage.  It’s amazing how quickly good news travels, and yet how slowly bad news does.  I had to tell people the bad news over and over and over.  Just a few weeks ago I had someone ask me how my pregnancy was going – while I was taking medications before IUI #4.  (It just so happens that the person I just had to tell was the person who’d sent me that text back in April to tell me congratulations.  Really.)

I have to admit, despite the huge drawback of having to tell the bad news repeatedly, there was a benefit to having so many people know.  It was nice to know that so many people were sad for me.  Nice, but not worth the pain of the repeated telling.

And so I’m doing things differently this time.  I even played with the idea of telling no one at all.  But the support of my close friends when things went wrong was something I couldn’t have survived without.  Knowing how sad they were, and that some of them had already imagined being aunties, really helped.  It was comforting, knowing my baby had been real to someone besides me.

I think and I hope that everything will be okay with this pregnancy, but I’m not brave enough to test my faith completely.  And so I told my close friends and I told my sister.  But I didn’t tell my parents, I haven’t told my coworkers and I definitely haven’t told the friend I told the first time who told everyone else. 

It’s weird, walking around with a secret.  I kinda like it.

Beta #2!

My second beta, at 16dpIUI, is 868!  This more than doubled from two days ago, and is also more than twice what my beta was at 17dpIUI with my last pregnancy.  I feel so much better about this pregnancy than the last, but I can’t help but be worried, too.  I know that first ultrasound will help a lot.  My first ultrasound last time had several abnormalities (small baby, slow heartbeat, large yolk sac) that all indicated bad things to come, so if this ultrasound is good, I’ll breathe a huge sigh of relief.  But I don’t get that ultrasound until Sept 13, so I’m going to have to try to not worry between now and then.  Ok, that’s impossible.  How about this - I’ll try not to worry too much.

Looking back at my journals from last time, I started to feel nausea right about now.  Considering my beta and my progesterone were both half what they are now, and I'm not feeling particularly sick, I'm hoping that either I won't get sick at all this time, or if I do, it'll take longer to kick in (I really think 4 weeks is way too early to be feeling bad!)  As I was drinking my mint chocolate cookie milkshake this afternoon, it occurred to me that I should be using this nausea-free time to be eating healthy, because a few weeks from now, I might be back on the potatoes and crackers diet.  So I'm hereby announcing that today's milkshake will be my last for a while.  No more Junior Mints or Whoppers, either.  I celebrated this decision tonight by avoiding the ice cream aisle in the grocery store tonight and getting fruit for dessert instead.  

Yay me!

14dpIUI

When I POAS yesterday, the line actually looked lighter than it did on Saturday.  So I was anxious when I POAS this morning, because I was afraid it might be gone completely.  It was still light, but it showed up at the same time the control line did, so I was feeling a little better when I went in for my beta this morning. 

When I walked in the receptionist said with a sad look on her face, "Oh, Shannon, are you here for CD3 labs?"  She literally whooped when I said, "Nope, I' m here for a pregnancy test!"  Libby, one of the nurses saw me in the waiting room, and when she later called me back she said, "I was so disappointed when I saw you in the waiting room, because I thought that meant you were here for CD3 labs - I was so happy when I saw 'pregnancy test' written on [in huge letters] on your check-in sheet!" and she gave me a huge hug.

She called a little while ago, and said, "Well, congratulations, you're definitely pregnant!"  "Just how pregnant am I?"  I'm so pregnant, my beta is 358!!!! 

It just goes to show, a line really is a line, no matter how dark it is (or isn't)!

12dpIUI

This is what my HPT looked like this morning!  TWO beautiful lines!

The second one is a little light, but it's there (it really is more obvious in real life, even at 3 minutes after POAS).  My last pregnancy, I got a BFN at 12dpIUI, so a faint line is a good sign that this one is going to be different.  This one is going to stick.  I'll get a darker line tomorrow, a good beta on Monday, and an even better beta on Wednesday.  And then I'll be waiting again.  I won't get an ultrasound until I'm 7 weeks, but that will be normal too.  All is going to be good this time.  I have to start out believing that, although I'm already filled with a lot of worry and fear about what each step will bring.  

But, I'm jumping ahead of myself.  I need to first worry about whether my beta is going to increase like it should. I think it will.  With all the cramping I've had going on in there, implantation has to have occurred the way it's supposed to!

Final Circle and Bloom Review

Now that I'm near the end of my first 2ww with the fertility meditations by Circle and Bloom, I thought I'd give a quick update on my opinion, since I've listened to most of the meditations for the cycle.  For the most part, I really enjoyed them.  The relaxation part never fails to soothe me, but I've listened to them enough that I can actually stay awake and listen to the second part of the meditation, the part that focuses on where I am in a given cycle.  I really like the fact that there's a new mediation every day.  Not only does it keep it fresh, but it's also always right where I am in my cycle, so it's possible to focus on exactly what's happening in my body every night.  It's empowering, imagining follies growing or an embryo implanting, and relaxing, too.

I especially like the times during the 2ww where the meditation talks about negative feelings and fear.  There's a line in one of them that says something like, "negative feelings aren't going to hurt your growing embryo, but the repression of those feelings can be damaging.  So just let go."  That actually matched up with a conversation my friend Colette and I had after seeing "Eat Pray Love" last week, which made it even more powerful for me to hear it when I did.

I don't like that the meditation series I'm listening to is a combined medicated IUI/IVF cycle series, though.  I found the mentions of IVF jarring, since I'm hoping to avoid that completely, and that worked against my relaxation.  For that whole time between triggering, IUI and ovulation, the tracks just felt wrong - we weren't about to retrieve eggs from my follies, and no "bundle of cells" was about to be delivered to my uterus.  I didn't want to think about IVF, I wanted to be visualizing sperm fertilizing eggs.  I looked at the "natural cycle" meditation menu, and really wish I could have listened to some of those during that 3-4 day time period, but they're too expensive to buy the whole thing for just a couple of meditations.  So I listened to my AnjiOnline meditations on those nights.  I still don't like those anywhere near as much as the ones from C&B, but it was better than listening to IVF centered meditations for a few days.  As soon as I finish this post, I'm emailing C&B to give them my feedback - maybe they'll listen!

In my own fertility news, I POAS this morning.  Of course, it was a BFN.  I am only 10dpIUI, after all.  But I had to do it.  And now I won't POAS again...for at least another day or two.

(Bonus!  I just went to the C&B website and saw this post about a chance to win an iPad.  I'm totally linking this post to their contest! LOL)

Crazy Train

It's hard to believe I started out this 2ww all cool, calm and collected.  Because now that I've passed the halfway mark, I'm feeling a little crazy.  Ok, a lot crazy.

Last month, during the two weeks after ovulation, I did a little experiment on myself, and imagined that I was in the 2ww.  I paid attention to every cramp, every ache, and every hint of nausea to see if there was anything that would suggest pregnancy.  And of course, there were.  Half the time the cramps turned out to be gas, and the heartburn was the burrito I had for lunch, but there were a few times where I thought I could almost convince myself I was pregnant.  You know, if God decided it was time for the Second Coming.

The past few days I've had all those symptoms - sore breasts, lower abdominal cramping, heartburn - and it's hard to convince myself they're all just imaginary pregnancy symptoms.  Because really, that's probably all they are; even if I am pregnant, it's much to early to really be able to tell anything.  Which is why the two week wait thing really is just all about the crazy.

2ww Obsessing

Here I am, 6dpIUI #4, trying not to obsess.  This was a perfect cycle.  I had three follicles, EWCM and ovulations pains post IUI; there’s nothing that could have been any better about this cycle. I’m really hopeful that I’m pregnant. 

There’s a site that I love, that I’ve looked at every 2ww so far, called The Visible Embryo.  It details (with pictures) what’s going on after the egg gets fertilized.  Right now, if all went well, I should have a little embryo about to burrow in for implantation.  Last time I did this, I felt something like menstrual cramps around 6dpIUI, and I’m convinced it was implantation.  Today I can’t tell if I’ve felt anything or not. I still have a lot of bloating and weird feelings inside from my overachieving left ovary, so I’ve had something that could be interpreted as implantation cramping at least 3 times so far this cycle! 

Other than that, I had no symptoms with my last IUI, and so I’ve been able to avoid obsessively searching through lists of symptoms at sites like TwoWeekWait.com.  That site will drive you crazy, so I’m glad I’ve been able to stay away.

So my obsessing has consisted of reading lots and lots of blogs, getting teary eyed over cute baby pictures and pictures of sweet toddlers interacting with their parents and rereading my journal entries from my previous cycles  Whenever I try to distract myself with things like housecleaning and work, I still end up coming back to my computer and obsessing again. 

If this continues, I might need an intervention.  Or at the very least, a cupcake.  (Have I mentioned how much weight I've gained?)

ETA:  I'm watching Paul Blart: Mall Cop and I'm deeply disturbed both by how much it reminds me of Die Hard, and by how hard it's making me laugh.  "I'll meet you on the corner of Neh and Ver" rates up there with "Yipeekaiyay motherf*cker" in all time great movie lines. (I reserve the right to change my mind on that once the 2ww is over.)

A Little Help from My Friends

 Married or single, going through IF treatments is stressful and exhausting – I don’t think that’s a newsflash to anyone.  But going through this as a single woman can be isolating and lonely, too.  Not having a partner to share the ups and downs with can really take a toll on your sanity.  I find it fascinating that whenever a woman is considering being a single mom, someone always asks, “Do you have a good support network for when you have a baby?” but no one ever asks, “Do you have a good support network for while you’re trying to have a baby?”

I’m lucky that I have a wonderful and supportive group of friends who have cheered me on every step of the way, but none of them can ever be as emotionally invested as I am.  And it’s pretty unlikely any of them would cuddle with me in the night and imagine with me the possibility of a baby. :)  On top of that, I’m pretty sure that a certain amount of IF fatigue sets in for them after awhile. I’m grateful for all the love they’ve given me, but I’ve also started to feel guilty. It feels like I’ve failed because I can’t give them happy news, or at least happy news that stays happy.  I can understand why some couples choose to keep their IF treatments a secret from their friends, because it does get tiring saying, “No, no good news,” over and over again.  But they have the luxury of keeping things a secret, because they have each other.  (I know, it’s not always perfect, and marriages have fallen apart as a result of the stresses of IF, but I’m generalizing here.) 

This is where the online community has been a lifesaver for me.  There is nothing like the support of someone who is living a similar experience every day.  Single or not, a woman going through IF treatments is intimately familiar with the day to day stress and heartache that goes with trying to conceive through artificial means; the support I’ve found from those who read my blog and from women on the discussion boards I frequent has allowed me to keep my sanity these past few months.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you. 

My advice to anyone who might stumble across my blog as she considers becoming a single mother by choice is simple.  Create your TTC support network.  You don’t have to write a blog, or spill your life story out on a discussion board if you’re not comfortable with that.  But find someone, somewhere, that you can share your journey with.  Strangers on the internet, your next door neighbor, your mom or your best friend – it doesn’t matter who.  Just don’t try to go it alone.  It’s just too hard for that. 

Monday night after my IUI, I was in bed with my hands on my belly, imagining a little zygote inside of me that will grow like mad the next 9 months to become my baby.  I was happy and hopeful, but also a little lonely, alone in the bed.  And then Tuesday morning I received an email from a friend I met through this blog.  She had written the email on Monday night, and ended it with this, “Pleasant dreams tonight! Perhaps a match (already) made in heaven is happening as you sleep...”

Hearing those words from someone else right then, when I needed them the most, reminded me that despite the fact that I sleep alone, I’m not alone in this.  And that makes all the difference.

*even zebra know you need all the friends you can get!

PUPO!

I have a confession to make.  I’m hugely superstitious.  I don’t step on cracks in the sidewalk.  I walk around ladders, not under them.  I have a necklace I’ve worn for every single exam I’ve taken since the start of medical school – even my board exams. 

I’m not free of superstition in the trying to conceive arena.  For my first IUI, I wore my lucky socks, which promptly lost their lucky sock status when AF arrived 11dpIUI.  For my second IUI, I wore a fertility necklace I found online. I should have know it wasn’t going to work when I constantly cursed at it as the cute little fertility turtle kept getting caught on my sweaters and scarfs.  The day AF arrived at the start of my third IUI cycle, I was wearing a Celtic cross necklace in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, so it became my fertility charm, and I didn’t take it off until the morning of my D&C. 

Now that I’m on to try #4, I’ve got a new fertility amulet – a green silly band in the shape of a car that my nephew gave me.  I doubt it will last 9 months, but I’ll wear it as long as it holds up, or until AF comes, whichever comes first!

I had bought a new pair of lucky socks for try #3 – rainbow striped, and conveniently labeled “My Lucky Socks”.  Only, the morning of the IUI, I couldn’t find them, so I wore my black socks with shamrocks on them instead.  And until the end of May, they had been given the new designation of my lucky socks.  Last night I made sure my rainbow striped socks were out on my dresser, ready to wear this morning.

Since I did manage to conceive with IUI #3, I decided to try to do as many other things the same this time as I did last time.  So I had a massage last night, and asked the therapist to do some extra reflexology stuff to help with fertility, just like last time.  This morning I did the ovulation yoga practice from Restoring Fertility yoga DVD, just like last time.  And instead of bringing a pregnant friend (my sister) with me to my IUI like I did for my first two IUIs, I went alone with just my iPod for company.  Just like last time.

I had one of my favorite nurses perform my IUI, a different nurse than prior tries.  The IUI was easy – unlike the first two times and just like last time.  Instead of fighting with my wonky cervix, the catheter went right in without a hitch.  I had 20 minutes to relax and dream of sperm fertilizing eggs after the IUI, and then I ran into my RE in the hallway on my way out.  I left feeling hopeful and happy, which is always a good way to feel when a stranger’s swimmers are having a field day inside you.

My Lucky Socks - 2 minutes pIUI

Here’s hoping the change in socks and fertility amulets, along with higher dose of meds, better supplements before IUI and a hard working left ovary all work together to give me a BFP that sticks this time.  It’ll be two weeks before I know– but for now, I’m going to enjoy being PUPO!

Follie Report

I've been calm about my chances of getting pregnant this entire cycle, probably because my thinking has switched from "can I get pregnant?" to "can I stay pregnant?"  I've also been religious about doing my meditations every night, and I'm sure that's contributed as well.  It's only been the last day that I've noticed any symptoms from the Gonal-F - more headaches, a little lower abdominal fullness and some irritability.

It was pretty busy in my RE's office this morning, but only one woman was there with her partner, the rest of us were alone. I like those mornings.  I didn't think I was nervous until I was sitting on the ultrasound table, and then I realized I was really afraid that we weren't going to see anything at all and this cycle would be canceled.

My ultrasound tech started with the right ovary, the one that is usually my workhorse that always produces the dominant follicle and usually all the other ones, too.  This time we only saw one little 12mm and two less than 10.  So we moved over the left, and I was shocked!  One 18mm, two 15 and 5 less than 10!  That's more than I've ever had, and if you do the math, actually more than my antral follicle count (of 7) suggested I'd get.  I'm so relieved; with my less than stellar response to Clomid and then to Femara plus lower dose Gonal-F, I was afraid that if I do have to move on to IVF, I won't get enough follies to be able to complete a cycle.  Now I know I will - if it comes to that.  The last good news is that my lining is a ripe, juicy 10, so I'm all good to go!

Libby called me a little while ago to let me know that my RE wants me to take my last Gonal-F injection tonight (conveniently, it's also the last I have in the pen).  I'll trigger tomorrow night and have my IUI on Monday morning at 10:30.  Two week wait, here I come!

Vegas Baby!

I'm back from a wonderful Vegas trip.  I really didn't expect to have fun on my own, but it ended up being a great weekend, even the whole day thyroid conference was good.  Well, except for the minor inconvenience of a horrible headache on Saturday that eased off Saturday night but has returned full force tonight.  Blech.

Highlights from this weekend:

• A free bottle of champagne on ice in my hotel room - I guess they thought I was a big time gambler!
• Cirque du Soleil's Love - it was so great, I didn't even mind being there by myself
• An amazing spa treatment that included an arctic sauna with "snow" to cool off after the hot sauna
• Winning $1 at the quarter slots, only to lose it when I kept on gambling (I should've listened to Kenny Rogers and known when to walk away)
• Braving another fancy dinner on my own - and meeting a really nice older man who gave me his extra ticket to see Lionel Ritchie for free 
• Giving myself my Gonal-F shot on the plane - with no one noticing, and no turbulence induced trauma

For those of you who wondered, getting the medication on the plane wasn't a problem at all.  I brought it in the box with the prescription label on it just in case, but the TSA agents didn't even ask to see it.  I was really nervous about giving myself the shot in public, but it was a quiet flight and the guy next to me slept the whole way, so he didn't even notice.  Now I totally have street cred with my patients when they say they can't give themselves insulin in public....only most of them have no idea I'm trying to conceive, so I guess I can't use that story just yet.  

Next up is an ultrasound on Friday to see how things are going!