Football in October

I spent yesterday morning on the football field.  It was a beautiful, sunny and chilly fall morning, and it was time for the 4-5 year old set to play flag football!  This is J’s first season of football, and I really wanted to play with my camera and commemorate the season for LB; luckily I got a few really good pictures.  I had such a great time!  Isa was thrilled to see me, and her first question was, “Is it a boy or a girl?”  I swear she thinks I’m delaying finding out, just to torture her!  She introduced me to a few of her friends, each time saying, “This is my Aunt Shannon, she has a baby in her tummy just like my mommy!”

Watching those boys (and one girl on the opposing team) on the field was so much fun.  Rather than bother with lots of verbal instructions on where to stand each play, the coaches frequently would just pick the kids up and move them.  And then when a kid got the ball and started running, all the coaches would point in the direction the child was supposed to run in, and half they time they still ran the wrong way.  But they all looked like they were having fun, and J scored two touchdowns, so he was beside himself with happiness.

Another bonus, the sidelines are really social!  My sister says she imagines that I’ll meet Mr. Right on the sideline of a t-ball game or something like that, and I’m starting to believe there might be some potential there.  And now I know I can actually have fun at little kids’ sporting events, without really knowing all the rules, so I think I’m more likely to make sure that Chiquitita gets signed up for a few sports at least once.

The truth is, I’m not a very good dater.  I’m better at it than I used to be, but I know I tend to put up a wall when I meet men in a social situation, especially when I find them attractive.  I don’t mean to do it, and sometimes I succeed in keeping myself from doing it, but it’s hard work, especially when I’m not sure why I do it in the first place.  It doesn’t help that I tend to be terribly shy in social situations.  That’s improved a lot, thanks to the discovery I made a few years ago that I feel not the tiniest bit of shyness on the job or in work related settings.  But so far that hasn’t really translated into improved dating skills, probably because of the added pressure of my biological clock kicking in at about the same time.  I really believe that I’m going to find it easier to keep that wall down once I have a baby in my life – though I’m not sure I’m going to be too interested in dating for the next few years – and am very hopeful that I will someday meet the right man for me.  But, for the first time in my life, I don’t feel any pressure at all to meet someone.  It’s an amazingly wonderful feeling to have.

Making Room for Baby

I think I mentioned a few weeks ago I’m going to have to do some work on my condo to get it ready for a baby.  I only have one bedroom, but I have an upstairs loft that leads into my bedroom that would be perfect for a nursery.  Except for one drawback - it’s open to the downstairs, with just an iron railing between the floor and the open space below.  Which means the room won’t be quiet, and I won’t be able to put any furniture against the railing, for fear of Chiquitita climbing up on it, leaning over the railing and falling down to the dining room table below.  Hence the idea of taking down the railing, and putting in a wall with a window, to let in some natural light.

The loft and kitchen below (the day I moved in)

Today I met with Bob, my architect, who was wonderful.  He had lots of great suggestions, was able to plot out the size of the landing I’d need at the top of the stairs, and address some of the tricky construction issues that have me nervous this won’t work. He took lots of measurements today, will draw up a plan in the next few days and email it to me.  If I approve, it’ll be sent to the County for a permit.  There is the possibility that they won’t like the shape/size of the landing, and if that’s the case, we’ll just scrap the door and I can put in a baby gate and a thick curtain when the time comes. 

My soon to be nursery started out as my office, and I have a lovely built-in desk surrounded by bookshelves that I had installed when I first moved in.  I wish that I had just bought some bookshelves and a desk that I could easily move out, but since I didn’t do that, I’ve decided to keep the unit installed.  It really is nice, and I think I might be able to turn part of the desk into a changing table.

It's exciting, starting to make plans like this!  But it also makes me a little nervous.  Nervous that I'll get the project done and I'll hate it.  Nervous that I'll never be able to sell my condo because everyone who looks at it will say, "If only this room were an open loft..."  And, for some reason, taking this first step of creating a nursery feels as if I'm finally allowing myself to believe that I really am pregnant, that I really will have a baby in 2011.  No matter how long I've dreamed of this, and how hard I've prayed for this, it still surprises me when I start to think about having a baby being my reality.

It won't be long until there's no way I can avoid believing that I'm really going to be a mom;  I’m at that awkward stage now where other people are probably wondering, “Is she pregnant, or is she just getting fat?”  I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be here yet if I hadn’t gained so much weight the past year, but since I’m here, I have to deal with it!  I spent most of the afternoon going through all the maternity clothes my sister gave me this spring.  I’m very surprised to find that most of the pants fit me now (though with plenty of stretch to allow me to grow and still wear them), but a lot of the shirts are still too big, or already too small (my boobs must be bigger than my sister’s were!)  I’m meeting friends for dinner tonight, and was planning on doing some clothes shopping before we meet up, but I think I’m going to go shoe shopping instead.  I’ve had enough of trying on clothes for one day.

What's in my Tummy

I had dinner on Friday night with my sister’s family, mainly so I could hold Oliver, my now 6 month old nephew, and so I could tell D (my 3 year old nephew) that I’m pregnant.  We ordered our dinners, and once our food had arrived, I was ready to spill my news.  I looked at D and said, “Guess what, I have a baby in my tummy!”  He looked at me for a minute, and then said, “No you don’t, you have a sandwich in there!” 

While he’s not convinced I’m pregnant, he did say he thinks I’m having a girl, and thinks I should name her Snoopy, after his new fish.  For the record:  D is now officially off the baby name committee.

Now that my nausea is just about gone, I find I’m starving all the time.  All. The. Time.  If I’m not careful, I’m going to put on way too much weight!   I’ve decided to start doing what I tell all my pregnant ladies with diabetes to do before eating something bad, and ask myself, “Is this good for the baby?”  It’s silly, but it works!  That plan starts tomorrow, so tonight I had my Thai takeout, with candy corn for dessert.  But tomorrow it’s grilled chicken and steamed veggies, with fruit for dessert.  Which, after eating lots of really boring foods for the past few months, doesn’t actually sound all that bad!

Oh, and as for Facebook - I'm truly amazed by the responses I got to my news!  Lots of congratulations, (even from the conservative friends who I was afraid might defriend me with my announcement!) and not a single question, not even as an email.  I'm printing out the responses and saving them for my baby book, they were that great.

The Dark Side of Dopplers

If you read about getting a doppler, you’ll see that a lot of OBs recommend against it, because it’s likely to cause needless worry if you can’t find the heartbeat – especially earlier in pregnancy.  I knew this, and was prepared to not be able to find the heartbeat when I first got it.  What I was not prepared for was not being able to find Chiquitita’s heartbeat after having the doppler for 5 days.

Last night, I snuggled up with my cat and my doppler, ready to quickly check in on Chiquitita before bed.  Only I couldn’t find the heartbeat.  I’m pretty sure I tried for at least 20 minutes, scanning back and forth across my lower abdomen over and over again.  I tried to be calm, theorizing that I was having trouble because I was constipated, and there were….things….in the way keeping me from hearing the heartbeat.  I decided I would go to sleep and try again in the morning. 

I woke up a few times in the night, and was tempted to try then, but knew I’d never fall asleep if I did that, and so managed to hold off until my alarm went off.  I whipped out the doppler and the gel, but again, I couldn’t hear anything but my own heartbeat.  I went to the gym anyway, and spent the whole time trying to reassure myself that all was well, and being only slightly successful at it.  The workout helped out with my constipation issue, so when I got home, I tried the doppler again – and again – nothing!  Now I was really freaking out.  I felt like everything was ok, but after three tries and no success I was starting to worry that I was wrong, and something had happened to the baby.  Should I call the OB?  Should I call one of my friends?  What did I need to do?  I couldn’t imagine how I’d make it through the day with this sort of anxiety.  

Then, while I was in the shower, I realized that I can feel the top of my uterus now when I’m standing up.  That’s something that after an hour of searching with a doppler, I knew I couldn’t do lying down.  Once I’d dried off, I picked up the doppler again, and this time stuck the probe right at the top of my uterus while I was standing up.   And there it was, the beautiful little heartbeat, pounding away at 164 beats per minute.  At this point I was so wound up I actually felt my pulse to be sure it wasn’t my heartbeat I was picking up, and when I was sure it wasn’t, I almost passed out with relief. 

After all this drama, I’m still glad I got the doppler.  But I’m going to try really hard not to freak out as badly the next time I can’t find anything!  (I said try, that doesn’t mean I expect to succeed!)

In other news, I officially announced my pregnancy on Facebook today (after first checking in and making sure I could still hear the heartbeat tonight, of course).  I had originally planned on saying something like, “Shannon is pregnant.  And yes she’s still single, and yes it was on purpose,” but I decided that made me sound defensive, which I’m not at all.  So instead I went with this: “After years of thinking, months of planning, weeks of waiting and hours (and hours) in doctors’ offices, I’m so happy to be finally be able to say I am pregnant!”  I really can’t believe I’ve made it to the point where I can share my news with everyone.  Yay!

Telling the Kids

This weekend, I had dinner with my accidentally pregnant friend LB and her two kids. Isa (she’s 7) and J (he’s almost 5) are so excited about their little sister-to-be, but we hadn’t told them about Chiquitita yet, and dinner was planned specifically so I could share my news.

We were all sitting outside before dinner when LB said, “Aunt Shannon has a surprise for you!”  Their eyes lit up and Isa said, “A surprise?  Where is it?”  I suggested they guess where it was, and after guesses like “your pocket”, “the kitchen”, “your purse” and “your car”, I decided to help them out, “It’s in my tummy!”

Isa’s face fell, I’m sure because she thought I meant I’d eaten her surprise!  When I told them the surprise, “I have a baby in my tummy!” Isa squealed and jumped up and down – just exactly the reaction any expectant mom wants from her big announcement.  J took a little longer to react.  First he said, “I didn’t know you were going to have a baby!”  And then, “But your tummy doesn’t look like there’s a baby in there.”  So I explained that my baby is a few months younger than their mom’s and so it’s smaller.  “Like a peanut?” J asked.  “Almost,” I replied, and was disappointed that I couldn’t remember what fruit Baby Center said Chiquitita resembles this week.

Isa’s first question was, “Is it a boy or a girl?”  I told her I didn’t know yet, but that I wanted to know what she thought it was.  “A girl,” while J said, “A boy.”  Isa then gave a long hard look at her mom’s abdomen and said with a sigh, “We already have a girl with Mom.  You can have a boy, so J will be happy.”  Isn’t that sweet of her? 

A little while later, we got up to go inside and I noticed J giving my stomach a long, hard look.  Then he looked up at me and said, “Yes, your tummy is still flat!”  After weeks of being asked about my faux baby bump, I was so thrilled to hear him call my stomach flat, because we all know that kids are painfully honest about that sort of thing!  They both surprised me by not asking about the baby’s father, not once all evening.  I’m sure that’s a question LB is going to get soon, though!

This coming weekend I’m telling my nephew.  I wonder if he’ll ask about the father again.  If he does, I’m planning on sticking to my, “No, just a mommy” story for now. He’ll get more details when he’s old enough to ask more questions.

Fetal Dopplers

I'm a neurotic mess - I admit it.  Just a few days after my ultrasound I found myself worrying about how Chiquitita is doing.  And so I rented one of those medical grade dopplers - which finally came tonight.  (And by finally, I mean 1½  days after I ordered it, thanks to the extra fee for expedited shipping.)  I had prepared myself for the thought that it might not work this early, even though my last ultrasound was transabdominal, but I spent all day today looking forward to hearing the heartbeat again.

I'd read that it was easier to hear a heartbeat if you have a full bladder, so I made sure I had plenty of water before I left work tonight.  As soon as I got home, I tore into the box and barely read the instructions before I had the gel out and the probe on my tummy.  I couldn’t hear a thing but my own heartbeat, no matter how slowly I scanned across, or how hard or deep I pushed.  Finally, all the pressure made the urge to pee unbearable, so I gave up and went to the bathroom.

But then I decided to try again, and settled back on the bed, bending my knees to relax my stomach a little more.  It took a minute or two, but finally I heard it, that precious little heartbeat, pumping away at 170 beats per minute.  I swear, it sounds like a little train in there, “chug chug chug chug.”  Now I feel a little more relaxed, at least for tonight.  I know I’ll be listening in again tomorrow, but this time with an empty bladder!

Screening Results

My ringing phone woke me up at 7:15 this morning (this after I’d already hit snooze twice).  I picked it up and heard a very cheery voice say, “Hellllllloooooo!”  I tried to sound awake as I said, “Who is this?”  It was Joanne, the nurse at my MFM’s.  She’d just gotten my lab results and didn’t want me to have to wait another moment, “but if you’re asleep you can always call me back later!”  Of course, I was awake in an instant, and ready to hear the news.  I was so relieved to learn that my risk of the 3 trisomies screened for has dropped from 1 in 100 to 1 in 1000!  Yay!  So the plan for now is to get my anatomy scan and second trimester screening labs at 16 weeks, and reevaluate the need for an amniocentesis then. 

A few posts on my discussion boards, things my patients have said to me about their pregnancies, and my own recent experience has me convinced that most doctors do a horrible job explaining what the first trimester screening really means.  What I hear most often is, “I don’t want to do it because it’ll just worry me for no reason.”  I think that is probably a reasonable thought process for women under 35 (though the one person I know who had a baby with Trisomy 18 was only 23 when she got pregnant, so it really can happen at any age).  But for older women, I think that thought process shows that their doctors just didn’t explain the screening the way they needed to explain it.

The first trimester screening looks at an individual’s risk for Trisomy 13, 18 and 21.  That much most everyone understands.  But what most women who are hesitant to do the screen don’t understand is that each of us already has a risk for those trisomies based on our age.  And for those of us over 34, that risk is higher than the risk of an amnio, even going by the old (and outdated) statistics of a risk of miscarriage being 1 in 250.  Here’s a link to one of the many risk tables that exist out there on the internet.  I have to admit, I never even looked at one until last night when I started wondering about my test results; even though I knew my risk was high at my age, I had no idea my risk was as high as 1 in 100, much less 1 in 87, as this chart indicates.

So my point is that for most of us pursuing choice motherhood, our risk is already really high, just because most of us (I know, not all!) are over 35.  Which means, that for most of us, the first trimester screening is going to either be reassuring (as in my case), or not really tell you anything more than what you already knew, based on your age.  It’s up to you what you do with that information once you have it.  And you’ll have another ultrasound to make it all worthwhile!

And now I’ve done what I feel is my PSA for the day, I’m going to go track the status of my fetal doppler that I ordered last night.  I never thought I’d turn into one of those crazy, overly worried pregnant ladies, but here I am, crazy and overly worried.  Thank goodness for doppler rentals!

Eleven Weeks

I walked into the Maternal Fetal Medicine doc’s office this morning, and immediately saw one of my patients waiting for her ultrasound.  I’m pretty sure she knew what I was there for when I signed in, because really, why else would I be at an MFM’s office?

I’ve known both my MFM and her nurse, Joanne, since I started my practice, since we shared an office space for about 4 months back in 2004.  So I was thrilled that Joanne was the one who did my scan today.  Everything looks perfect!  The heart rate was 170, and while Chiquitita was sleeping at first, he/she quickly woke up after a little prodding and started wiggling legs and waving arms about, and occasionally doing a little bounce in place.  She probably scanned my belly (yes, I graduated from the dildo-cam!) for a good 20 minutes, which was wonderful.  The nuchal thickness and nasal bone both looked good, so that part of the first trimester screen was normal.  Now I just have to wait until Wednesday or Thursday for the blood test results, and then I’ll know what my risks for Trisomy 13, 18 and 21 are, and can decide on an amnio or not.

According to my doctors and my last visit with AF, I’m actually 10w6d today.  But I prefer to go by the date of my IUI, and according to that, I’m 11 weeks.  It looks like Chiquitita agrees with me, because today he/she was measuring 11w2d, which makes me so happy.

Chiquitita Profile

As soon as I got to work, I told one of the staff members that I had a picture to show her, and when I pulled it out she started jumping up and down, “I knew it!  I knew it!”  There were lots of hugs, and few tears, and it was wonderful.  Everyone was incredibly surprised by the fact that I’m almost at the end of my first trimester; I don’t think any of them believed I could keep a secret that long.  Seriously, I didn’t believe I could, either! 

When I got home tonight I called my parents, and spoke to my dad for a while before I told him that I had sent my mom an email, and wondered if he would help her open the attachment, because I needed her help with something.  The email I sent to my mom wasn’t in her inbox yet, so then I emailed it to my dad.  Just as he was opening his account, he got a call on the other line, and actually flipped over to answer it!  I was beside myself, thinking he’d see the picture while he was talking to someone else, but luckily he was back on the phone within seconds, and so I got to hear his surprised and happy laugh when he saw the baby picture.  He then called my mom to look at the picture and the first thing she said was “I knew it!” (are you sensing a theme here?) and the second was, “Is it just one baby?”

It’s been a long and emotional day and it’s been so much fun to share my news.  I’ve felt more relaxed and less worried since my 9 week ultrasound, but after this one, I really feel like I’m truly pregnant.  I’m starting to believe that in May, I’ll have a little baby!  Now I just have to find a way to stay calm between now and my next ultrasound – the anatomy scan – on November 16.

10/10/10

I love dates and times that are repetitive or in order – they make me happy for a reason that I really can’t explain.  And so I thought it was an amazingly good sign when my last IUI was on 8/9/10.  Which means that it’s probably also a very good sign that my last day at 10 weeks is today, 10/10/10.  I guess I’ll find out if those really were good signs tomorrow, at my eleven week ultrasound on the 11th.  I have to go to work immediately after my ultrasound, and since the internet Nazis at work don’t let me access my blog from there, I won’t be able to check in until tomorrow night.

Actually, it’ll be even later than that, because I’m having dinner with 3 other local SMCs (including Single Mom 2B – yay!) after work.  And then, if all has gone well, I’m finally going to tell my parents that I’m knocked up.  So I’ll be posting an update sometime after that tomorrow night!  

Another good thing about 10/10/10 – it’s fellow blogger Tara’s 36^th birthday!  Happy Birthday - this year is going to be a wonderful one for you!

Life at 10 Weeks

I’ve been feeling pretty icky the past few weeks, and while I know it could be so much worse, I’m ready to start feeling better.  My nausea comes and goes, but definitely seems to be better if I don’t overeat, and if I keep up ahead of heartburn with medication, which is sometimes hard to do.  Diet Canada Dry ginger ale helps, too.  I'm drinking at least one every afternoon, and it definitely makes the afternoon more bearable.  It’s the fatigue that’s the hardest to deal with – I’ve never been this tired for this long in my life – not even in residency!  I know fatigue is normal in the first trimester, but it's definitely worse becuase I’m not sleeping all that well, which is so unusual for me. 

I’ve had chronic hip issues for years, but in the past it’s only been bad when I’m doing a lot of running, so I never did more for it than the occasional massage or visit to the chiropractor.  Two weeks ago it got really bad, so bad I was waking up whenever I turned over in bed because it hurt so much.  So I broke down and saw a new chiropractor last Monday, and he’s wonderful.  But moving my hip bones around has caused everything else in my back to be sore, so I’m pretty much achy all the time, which is now the reason I’m having a hard time sleeping.  I had my fourth adjustment today, and it was the easiest one yet, so I’m hoping that the soreness is on its way out!  I'm also thinking that I might need to invest now in a good pregnancy body pillow.  I have no idea even where to look or what to get, but I bet I'd sleep better if I could find one I liked.

I told one of my partners, A, my news today.  He and I have been in practice together almost 6 years, and I really wanted to tell him before I share the news with my staff.  But I know he’ll be late on Monday morning, because he always is, and I won’t be able to wait a second after I get to work from my ultrasound, so I had to tell him today, since he’s off tomorrow.  I went into his office after everyone had left and told him I had something to tell him.  And he said, “I know, you’re pregnant.”  LOL!  But then I told him that I was 10 and a half weeks, and he was shocked.  “I can’t believe you’ve kept it a secret all this time!  I was expecting good news from you soon, but I didn’t think you’d be that far along.”  About a month ago he told me that he had a dream about me, and in the dream I was holding my baby.  So the next thing he said was, “When I told you about my dream, you were already pregnant!  And I never guessed.”

I told him that I was feeling good about things, but I was still feeling nervous about Monday’s ultrasound.  His reply was perfect.  “Your ultrasound will be good.  I’ve already predicted it.”  

Blogger Award!

Paige at The Turning of the Paige nominated me this week for the Versitle Blogger Award!  Paige is one week ahead of me in pregnancy, and an amazing woman whose journey to motherhood is nothing short of inspirational - thanks for the nomination, Paige!

Now here are the rules to those who I award the Versatile Blogger Award to;

The Rules:
•thank and link back to the person nice enough to give you the award
•share seven things about yourself
•pass the award along to seven other bloggers who you think are fabulous
•contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award

In addition to feeling icky this week, I've been thinking about my 7 things about me list.  Which led me to think about this blog - some of the readers are friends who have known me for years, but most of you you only know me through this blog or a discussion board, and yet I've shared my deepest and darkest moments and my happiest moments with you all, and felt supported and loved as I did so, and in turn hopefully have lent a little support during your hard moments and joyful ones, too.  I feel like I *know* a lot of you, even though I don't really know the details of your lives outside of what's posted on the blog world the way your friends in real life do.  So I really like the idea of this award making me share a little more about myself.  But I'm still having a hard time coming up with the 7 and making them non-pregnancy related.  :)

Seven Things About Me:

1)  I'm left handed, but I use scissors with my right hand, and can never decide which hand I want to bowl with.  Not that I go bowling a lot, but when I do, I get confused.

2)  I met one my best friends (and a lot more really good friends) at a romance author's discussion board over 6 8 years ago.

3)  The only continent I haven't been to is Australia.

4)  At the start of my Inca Trail trip with Mindy a few years ago, we were mugged at gunpoint in Cuzco.  They got our cash, our cameras and our credit cards, but we still hiked the Trail anyway!

5)  I've run 5 half marathons, two of them dressed up as Sleeping Beauty.  I'm a really slow and horrible runner, so I'll never run a full marathon, because it would probably take me all day.

6)  My favorite foods are dark chocolate, candy corn, goat cheese, pasta with red sauce, apple pie with vanilla ice cream and red wine. Not necessarily all at the same time.

7)  I hate strawberries.

And a bonus, pregnancy related - 8)  I had an egg and cheese biscuit with sweet tea from Bojangles for breakfast and dinner yesterday. The only reason I'm not having it again tonight is because I'm too lazy to get off the couch.

And here are my nominations - it was hard to pick just seven, so I picked a few I've followed and loved for a while, and few new blogs that I'm really just starting to enjoy.

The Baby Chaser :)  at The Baby Chase Project
PDxer to be at 2010 Life Reboot
Single Mom 2B at Single Mom 2B
Missing at MissConceived
Rachel at Chasing Mommyhood
Michaela at A Single Journey
S at Ticking Clock

and because I really couldn't pick just 7 - Tiara at Me Plus One