Merry CD3!

It's just a few days before Christmas.  Thank goodness Finn is too little to really understand, because I'm just not ready.  There are about 20 ornaments on the tree...and the tree is probably safest that way.  I still have gifts to get (shopping with a toddler the weekend before Christmas is going to be so much fun!) My house is messy.  I never did get Christmas cards ordered, much less sent- though I did get stamps.  (I like to think of that purchase as getting prepared for next year already.)

But Finn is in awe of the lights.  He loves our tree, and the lights I cursed as put them up outside our house are now one of his favorite good night sights.  He walks around saying, "ho, ho, ho" and has no idea the tree is mostly bare.  And he certainly doesn't care if all the Christmas shopping is done, or that the presents aren't wrapped yet.  

yes, that's the ghost on the upstairs porch

We are having a very low key Christmas this year.  My sister is out of town with her family.  My parents are getting here the day after Christmas, as they're spending Christmas with my grandmother in Florida.   So we're going to spend Christmas Eve afternoon with my friend Lisa's family, and Christmas Day afternoon/evening with LB's family.  Christmas morning will be just the two of us.  LB invited us to spend the night on Monday night, so we could all have Christmas morning together, and I did consider her offer.  But there's something magical about spending Christmas morning together, just the two of us.  It won't be an exciting Christmas morning.  But it will be cozy and sweet.  This will be the last Christmas morning that he is too young to understand what it really means. Though I know he'll enjoy his presents, he's going to be most excited about spending 4 whole days in a row with me.  And I think that's what I'm most excited about, too.

******

Amazingly enough, AF showed up a few days early this week. I had been worried that she'd show up over the weekend, and I'd have to deal with on call doctors and crazy holiday hours.  Instead, I went in for my CD3 scan this morning.  My antral follicle count is 8-9 and my FSH is 12 - not fabulous, but not awful either.  I took my first dose of Femara before lunch and will start Gonal-F on Sunday.  A different RE than my usual doc reviewed my labs and scan, and so I'm going in for my first follicle scan on day 8 instead of day 10.  I'm sure that means I'll end up with another scan before my IUI, but what's the cost of another set of labs and ultrasound at this point?

Questions for the RE

The appointment with my RE is on Monday morning.  I have a list of questions to ask him about what we should do next.  I'm actually bringing the list with me, because I know I'll forget at least one of them if I don't.

1. A few months ago he told me that - given my ages and labs - I had just as much a chance of getting pregnant with IUI as I do with IVF.  Given that statement, is there really any benefit to even considering anything but IUIs right now?  We know I can get pregnant with IUIs, so I'm not sure if there would be any benefit.
2. If he does think IVF is a better option than more IUIs, what kind of IVF cycle does he think would be best for me?
3. With both cycles that failed, AF showed up early - despite taking Crinone.  Does that mean Crinone isn't really doing anything?  Does he think I really need to take it?
4. I have a conference I'd really like to attend at the end of January.  There's a very good chance this conference would fall right around the first two weeks of the cycle after my next try.  I have to decide now if I'm going to attend - if I do go and I end up not pregnant after the next IUI, could I take birth control pills for a few weeks so I don't have to take another full month off of trying?
5. Speaking of birth control pills, someone mentioned to me that it might be a good idea for me to take them with my next cycle, the one before my next IUI cycle - what are his thoughts on that?
6. If AF arrives on time this month and next, my next cycle will fall right around the Christmas holidays.  Will they be open?  Finn's next MRI is 12/27 - if I have a monitoring appointment or IUI on that day, can they be flexible with the time and let me come in the afternoon (they usually only do morning scans and IUIs).

Any other questions I should ask?  I want to walk away from this appointment with a clear plan of what the next steps are, and no more "do 2-3 IUIs and then let's regroup" if I can help it.

I also plan to tell him how bad my experience was when I called after my last BFN - specifically how long I waited to hear back from the nurses, and the fact that they hadn't really listened to my message or done anything with it (such as give a message to him that I wanted to do another IUI cycle).  I'm also going to ask him about their policy of having to have a specimen onsite.  For the most part I've loved my RE's office, and like I've mentioned before, I think their success rates are better than their local competition.  But I'd have a really hard time telling any of my local single SMC-tryers to go there just because of that policy.

I'm doing a halfway decent job with my diet.  I've had a few cheats here and there, but I've definitely been more successful than not.  I currently weigh exactly what I did when I got pregnant with Finn (though the weight is definitely distributed differently!), it would be nice if I could actually lose a few pounds over the next 5 weeks or so.

Thank You!

Picture Nanny M texted to me today

I owe a huge thanks to all of you who posted such nice, uplifting messages on my last post. And a huge thank you to all of you who were nice enough to keep your mouths shut, instead of yelling at me to quit my whining (even though I deserved it!) The commiseration responses made me feel so much better for feeling the way I do - and the ones that reminded me that I do have a lot more to do these days than garden gave me permission to not feel so guilty about not having the cutest home on the block. Two comments in particular have really stuck with me, and I've been thinking about them over and over again. Evelyn's comment, "when you finally do move out of that house you'll miss it for all the good memories it'll have." And Abby's comment, "if people could see how full-to-bursting your house is with LOVE, everyone would want to live there!"

Hit me over the head with a hammer - here I am with the VERY THING I have wanted my entire life, and I'm feeling down because my house isn't perfect. I know it's normal to feel this way, but I think I've indulged those feelings long enough, and it's time to move on.

Ever since I moved here, I've had this constant thought, "this house is only temporary." Which is true, but temporary could end up being 3-5 years, easily. So instead of feeling like I have to get everything done right now, or that I won't try to make everything the way I like it since I won't be here long, I'm going to work on gradually finding things that fit this house. Not expensive things (I do have a boy, after all) but things that I like that work here; adding my own touches, as Surly Mama said. MN's suggestion about Craig's List was brilliant, too.  And the fall season of consignment sales is just around the corner!

 **** 

 On a completely different note - I'm a pretty firm believer in the power of the mind body connection. Not in the "if you believe it enough, you will get pregnant" sort of way, but more in the way of "every little bit helps". I realized today that for the past 14 months I've concentrated all the positive energy in my body to making milk. And now that it's time to start thinking about my ovaries again, it's hard to do! It's almost a physical act, turning my thoughts towards growing healthy eggs. I've been doing femoral massage every night, I'm listening to Circle + Bloom's precycle meditations, and taking my supplements again which are all helping, but it's still a conscious effort to steer my energy to my reproductive organs.  After over a year of thinking only of growing healthy eggs before I started trying to conceive the first time, it's weird how foreign it feels to me now.

CD 1!

In the midst of writing the post that follows below, I got up to use the bathroom and woohooo! After 710 days, AF has finally come to visit!  It's been 3 weeks since Finn last nursed, so really that isn't too long, but I was so afraid that it was going to take 3-4 months to get my period back, so I'm very relieved.  


Yesterday morning I complained to Nanny M that after 3 weeks of walking with Finn almost every single night, and (for the most part) eating healthier, I've actually gained 2.5 pounds, and the pants I was wearing were way too tight.  "Maybe you're bloated," she said, "I'm about to start - maybe we're synching up." She paused for second, "Finn, I'm so sorry."  I'm hopeful that when I weigh in next week I'll see a better number...and that the pimples that have shown up the past few days go away, too.  

And now back to my regularly scheduled post, already in progress:

One of the most difficult parts of my job is taking care of people who don't believe the "Something Bad" will ever happen to them.  Most frequently it's young (20's) kids with type 1 diabetes who don't check their sugars, don't take their insulin and look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them that they could end up on dialysis or blind because of their blood sugars.  I can see it in their smug, defiant little grins that they are thinking, "Oh, but that's never going to happen to ME."

Often it's the pregnant women with gestational diabetes - they're annoyed they have to be seeing me, they really don't want insulin, they're mad they have to watch their diet, they're hormonal and they've read some 15 year old "data" on the internet that suggests gestational diabetes isn't really that bad (data which has since been very strongly refuted). I can cut them some slack when their blood sugars are just marginal, or when they're trying but they just can't get it right, but when their sugars are awful and they still don't give a flying fig - it makes me so angry that at times I've had to get up and walk out of the room to avoid saying, "There are women out their who spend YEARS trying desperately to get pregnant.  They would do anything to have the wonderful gift you are carrying right now, they would do everything in their power to make sure their baby is healthy, and you can't even be bothered to follow your damn diet?"  Again, they look at me and I can see it in their face that they just don't believe it will happen to them.

Maybe none of us ever really believe that the Something Bad will happen.  It's other people's children who get cancer, it's other people who have recurrent miscarriages, it's other people who are infertile, it's other people who have babies with birth defects or chronic health problems, it's other people who have the Something Bad. But not me. Until the Something Bad happens. And the whole world changes.

It's interesting to see that in the ALI community, most of us are aware that none of us are immune to the Something Bad.  And we also are so painfully aware that life just isn't fair, and just because you have had the Something Bad once, doesn't mean you won't get another dose of it again.  And again.

I was thinking on my walk last night with Finn that the Fear of Something Bad is one of the driving factors behind my recent push towards getting healthy.  I'm 41.  I weigh 10 pounds more than I did when I started TTC over 2 years ago (but 5 pounds less than I was at the beginning of my pregnancy with Finn), and when I first started TTC I could run 5 miles, and worked out with a trainer twice week.  During my pregnancy my blood pressure was always just flirting with being too high, and while I passed my glucose tolerance test with flying colors, I had more than one fingerstick blood sugar that was too high.

So I really want to do all that I can to be as healthy as possible when I start TTC #2. And I really hope I can maintain it while TTC, and avoid the emotional eating I was prone to during the whole process the last time.

I've done fairly well so far.  I've gotten at least 3 days a week with more than 10,000 steps for the past three weeks, and with only one exception, I've gotten at least 5,000 steps on all the other days. I'm failing at getting 8 fruits and veggies a day, but I knew that would be hard.  I am getting at least 5-6 servings a day almost every day, though.  The last time I did this, my goal was 5 servings, and I rarely made that many, so I am better than I was in the past. Having lots of fruits and veggies in the house for Finn definitely helps.  Now that CD1 is here, I am officially going back to 1 regular Diet Coke a day. I should probably add getting 8 hours of sleep to my list as well. I've not been doing a very good job with that lately.  It would definitely make it easier to give up the extra Diet Cokes!


I sometimes wonder at how we set ourselves up for such heartbreak by pursuing a family. Many of the Something Bads would never happen to us if we decided not to have children in the first place.

But, oh the joys we would miss out on if we didn't try!

Consult with the RE

Future Blackmail Picture

In August I called my RE, Dr. M, for an appointment to discuss TTC #2, but then Finn had his first MRI and I forgot all about it.  Until this week, when I realized that my appointment was today.  It was weird, going into that office and not feeling a sense of anxiety or worry.  I'm sure that I'll feel different the next time I go, but today was just to come up with a plan (I'm a planner), so I'd know where we stand, and so there were no nerves at all.

We first talked about baseline testing, and he recommended that we repeat the HSG.  He didn't insist upon it, but said that sometimes weird things happen with c-sections (he's seen more than one case where a fallopian tube was twisted up away from the uterus) and that while it's unlikely, it makes sense to go ahead and get it checked just to be safe.  That makes sense to me, so I agreed with that.  Because of stupid laws and regulations, I have to get all my infectious disease testing done again (they won't take my word for it when I say there's no way I could have contracted syphilis, hep C or HIV in the past year).  We discussed IVF, but he thinks it's reasonable to try at least a couple of IUIs using the same protocol that got me pregnant with Finn.  I have two vials of Finn's donor's sperm in storage at the RE's office, so that sounds ok to me.  I'm going to order a few more vials and have the cryobank keep those, so if I don't need them I can sell them back, but I won't have the possibility of running out of vials influencing any decisions I might have to make.

The plan is to do the HSG my first period after I've weaned Finn, along with a TSH and an AMH, and then with the next cycle after that we'll get Day 3 labs and go from there.  I'm thinking that I'd like to try 2-3 IUIs before going on to IVF if my labs and antral follicle counts look ok, but if they're not so great, I may go straight to IVF if IUI #1 doesn't work.  Though Dr. M said I shouldn't worry about that, "I fully expect you to get pregnant on the first try.  I'll hold the threat of IVF over you to scare your body into getting pregnant."  If only it were that easy!

Dr. M thinks I should start TTC after the holidays (!!!!) but I'm not sure I'm ready to try quite that soon.  I'd really like to breastfeed Finn for a full year, especially since his immune system is doing such a great job killing off his neuroblastoma, and - while I realize I'm not getting any younger - I'm not sure if starting in January vs starting in May will make that big of a difference.  We talked about TTC while still breastfeeding, but Dr. M thinks that prolactin from breastfeeding may keep Femara from being effective at stimulating follicle growth.

Of course, there's always the chance that Finn might wean himself before then - both of my sister's boys did - and if that happens, then I might move the calendar up some.   He's such a boob boy, though, I don't see that happening!

It's hard to imagine having another.  The thought is a little scary, but I know it's the right thing for me and Finn.  This time last year I was pregnant.  It's crazy to think that there's a chance that this time next year I could be pregnant again.

Trying for Two

Finn's First Rainbow

I've made an appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist to talk about trying for baby #2.  The appointment isn't until the end of October, but now that I've made it, I've been consumed with thoughts of a second child (when I'm not feeling angsty about going back to work, that is).

I know I want two children - I've always wanted two children.  Well, in all honesty, I've always wanted a houseful of kids, but when thinking about doing this as a single mom, I think two is a much more reasonable number than I'd previously planned on.  The question now is how do I go about getting my second child - and when?

I've thought about adoption, but it really isn't the easy option I used to think it was.  There's a huge part of me who would love to have a full biologic sibling for Finn - or even a half sibling - if at all possible.  And I really liked being pregnant, much more than I ever expected I would.  It's an experience I'd like to have again.  So, unless an adoption opportunity drops in my lap, I've decided to try to get pregnant again.

Ideally I'd like to wait until Finn is 2-3 years old, and then try to conceive.  But, my fertility was already iffy when I conceived Finn, and even though I was lucky enough to need only 4 IUIs to get him, I know that I probably won't be that lucky with 42 or 43 year old eggs, and probably not even with 41 year old eggs.

I could possibly still stick to that timetable by going through an IVF cycle next spring, but freezing all the embryos for future use.  The benefit is obvious - I'd have 40 (almost 41) year old eggs, but I could wait until Finn was out of diapers before getting pregnant again.  The drawbacks are considerable, though.  Would I be comfortable doing just one IVF cycle?  If I did only one and none of the embryos led to a pregnancy, I'd find myself at 43 with no chance to try again with my own eggs. I just don't know how comfortable I'd be with doing just one cycle, but then again, I certainly don't want to spend the money on more than one cycle unless I know I really need it.

My other option would be to try to conceive again when Finn is a year old.  Because of my age, I'd probably go straight to IVF - and if it worked, I could potentially have a newborn before Finn is two.  That would make for a hard couple of years (to say the least), but then as they got older, they'd be able to play together a lot more than children who were 4 years apart could.  And it puts me several years closer to being able to do real travel with the kids, which is something I'm really looking forward to (if I survive the first couple of years, that is).  It's taken me 5 hours to get this post written, and all I have in my house right now is one 8 week old.  I can't imagine what life would be like with a two year old and an 8 week old at the same time, but I'm sure it wouldn't be boring.

I wish someone would tell me what to do; I'm hoping that my RE will tell me, or at least give me his honest opinion on which option is most likely to give me another child.  All the while, in the back of my head, I can't help but wonder if I hit the jackpot with an easy pregnancy and a wonderful child, and I should just be happy being a mom and kid family, instead of a mom and kids family.  That's usually just a fleeting thought, my reasons for wanting another child are so strong that I know I need to at least try, but still that little thought finds its way into my head from time to time.

It's a nice distraction, thinking about my next child instead of the fact that in two weeks I'll be 14 hours away from going back to work (more about that in my next post!)

My TTC Story

I wish I could say that I handled my efforts at TTC with grace and calm serenity.  But that couldn’t be further from the truth.   Trying to conceive turned me into a crazy, moody, unpleasant bitch.  I ate too much, slept too much, didn’t exercise enough, and obsessed about every single symptom during my two week wait.  I was devastated by my first two BFNs, especially since both of them occurred in the form of AF visiting days before she was due. 

My first BFN was discovered when I went to the bathroom to cry after I had to fire my nurse.  She was a sweet girl, but she couldn’t do the job and patients were being placed in harm’s way because of missed messages, so we had to fire her.  I talked to her about why we were having to fire her, feeling like I’d just kicked a puppy as I watched her cry, and then went to the bathroom for privacy while I cried myself.  And then wished I hadn’t decided to go ahead and pee while I was there. 

I’d convinced myself that I was pregnant after my second IUI, and so getting AF two days after coming home from a friend’s baby shower was devastating.  Even more disappointing was the realization that I was going to have to take the next month off, because a very dear friend of mine was having her baby shower out of town, and I had to be there for that.  I’ll never regret going to her shower, but I was miserable most of the weekend, thinking that I was ovulating that weekend, and it was all going to waste.   The misery was eased a little when Heidi got a text from her friend V, who I’d met at a party a few night’s earlier, offering to be my Baby Daddy.  He even offered to fly home with me, since I was pretty sure I was ovulating right around then, saying we could join the mile high club and get me pregnant, all at the same time. 

I know I talked about trying to get pregnant all the time.  Trying to get pregnant, and my fear that I would never be able to get pregnant were all consuming.  I’m amazed that anyone wanted to spend time with me, the miserable, obsessive, moody, crazy woman that I was. 

The one benefit of taking the month off was that I had time to meet with my RE to discuss a change in game plan.  I’d had a luteal phase defect on both of my Clomid 50mg cycles, and I only produced one follicle with each cycle, so I was ready to talk about doing something different.  He offered me the chance to go straight to IVF, but encouraged me to first try two hybrid cycle with Femara and Gonal-F.  He thought it had a good chance of working, but also thought my response would also help guide medication doses with IVF if the hybrid cycle didn’t work. 

I thought the compromise sounded reasonable, so I agreed.  On Femara 5mg and Gonal-F 75, I had two follicles.  Better than with Clomid, but not particularly impressive.  So halfway through my two week wait, I decided that if this cycle didn’t work, I was going to IVF.  I was also given Crinone, just to be on the safe side, so this time AF didn’t come early.  I managed to wait to POAS until 12dpIUI, and then I caved.  It was negative.

The next night I cried myself to sleep, and then dreaded getting up to POAS the next morning, 14dpIUI.  I was shocked when, 30 seconds after taking the test, I glanced over and saw there was only one word on the screen:  pregnant.  I was still sitting on the toilet when I called LB, Heidi and my sister to tell them the news!

You all know how things went from there.  A couple of good betas, a 7 week ultrasound that was questionable, and a 9 week ultrasound that showed no heartbeat.  Such a crazy four months of wildly variable emotions – worry and anxiety, followed by joy and worry, followed by despair.  It’s no wonder I sometimes forget much of the first part of 2010 ever happened.

The weird thing is, I didn’t experience all those crazy negative emotions with IUI #4.  I thought about it a lot, but I was pretty sure, in a way I hadn’t been before, that I was pregnant.  I was convinced from the second I was standing at the elevator after my IUI, talking to my RE, and felt the first twinges of ovulation pain that this one had worked.  I didn’t tell anyone except Heidi how sure I was, because I was afraid of looking like a fool if I was wrong.  But here I am, 26 weeks pregnant, so this time my instinct was right!

In hindsight, I realize just how easy it was for me.  I was told that I had impaired fertility – diminished ovarian reserve.  And yet I managed to conceive on 2 out of 4 cycles.  The miscarriage was horrible, that’s true, but repeated failed attempts at trying to conceive is pretty horrible, too.  I don’t think it’s possible to say that either is worse than the other, but I’m pretty sure my calm attitude going into IUI #4 was mostly because it was the first time I went into an IUI knowing that my body did know how to get pregnant.  I’d started CoEnzyme Q10 in an attempt to decrease the risk of chromosomal abnormalities (using this study protocol, which came about after studies in “elderly” mice showed decreased risk of chromosomal defects in embryos of mice given CoQ10), and that made me feel better, too. 

At any rate, I know how lucky I am right now.  There’s not a day that goes by (not even an hour) that I don’t marvel in the miracle of being pregnant, and I will never, ever take this baby for granted.  And I really hope that my neurotic behavior while TTC is something I never have to deal with again!

Fertility Evaluation

My toes in the Usambara Mountains of Tanzania

For anyone that missed it, for my first ICLW week I decided to recap the course of my journey before I started this blog.  A couple of days ago I posted about deciding to become a Choice Mom.  Today, I'm blogging about my first visits with my RE; I think my next blog will be about choosing my donor, and then in the next day or so I'll write about my first 3 IUIs, and how crazy they made me.  It's been fun writing these; time really does have a way of putting things in a different perspective!

* * * * * * * * * 

By the time I had an appointment with my RE, the summer after I turned 37, I knew all about IUIs, OPKs and BFPs, thanks to my hours spent on SMC discussion boards. My choice of an RE was easy; one of my best friends is an OB, and she said her patients always had the best results with this particular doctor, and so that’s who I went with. At the start of our evaluation, he was optimistic that, based on my history of normal periods, all would be great. He even recommended we start with non-medicated cycles

He did want me to have a full fertility evaluation done first, though, and so I had my Day 3 labs done with an ultrasound, an AMH level and an HSG. My HSG looked great (aside from a wonky cervix that required a balloon catheter to get through – ouch!), but the rest of my labs were not so great. My AMH level was low at 0.49, with an FSH running just a tad high at 9 with a good estradiol level, and my antral follicle count was on the low side.

I got all these results over the phone from the nurse; because of a scheduling conflict I couldn’t get in to see the RE until a month after we’d finished all the tests. It embarrasses me a little now to admit how I felt then, but I had a major freak out. I guess because I look younger than I am, I expected my ovaries to act younger than they are, too. I was so sure my fertility evaluation was going to be perfect, and when I found out it wasn’t, I was terrified. I went from imagining a couple of IUIs, to anticipating multiple BFNs, IVF, huge bills and the potential for no baby at all. In retrospect, I overreacted, imagining problems and obstacles that might never materialize. As my RE had pointed out in our first visit, nothing shows what your fertility status is like actually TTC.

Which is what he reminded me of when we had our first post-evaluation visit. He told me that if I’d come to him after a year of TTC on my own, we would be talking about going straight to IVF. But since I’d never tried to conceive on my own, he thought that 3 IUI cycles with Clomid would be reasonable, and then reassessing after that, based on my response. “Your labs are only indicators of a potential problem. They don’t tell us the whole story.”

I was a little comforted by our appointment, but I still worried. One wonderful result of that worry was an appointment with an acupuncturist who specializes in fertility. I honestly think that my weekly appointments with her helped to restore my sanity. And they probably helped with my fertility as well. But even if it turns out that traditional Chinese medicine does nothing at all for fertility, I feel so much better, so much more like myself as a result of working with her, that I don’t really care.

I happily took all my herbs, did my fertility yoga, ate organic and lost 15 pounds over the course of the next six months, looking forward to my last vacation before starting the IUI process in January 2010. I was ready for the thought that it was going to take me a few tries to be successful. I was optimistic, with a healthy dose of pessimism mixed in, so I was sure I was going to sail through TTC with no major problems, no weight gain and just joyful anticipation.

I was wrong about that! I think that’s what I’ll cover in my one of my next posts.  :)

ETA:  I just realized that I have 99 days left until my due date....and this was my 99th blog entry.  This makes the third crazy number thing this pregnancy (after a conception date of 8/9/10 and 111 days left on 1/11/11) - I wonder if he's going to be a math genius?

Final Circle and Bloom Review

Now that I'm near the end of my first 2ww with the fertility meditations by Circle and Bloom, I thought I'd give a quick update on my opinion, since I've listened to most of the meditations for the cycle.  For the most part, I really enjoyed them.  The relaxation part never fails to soothe me, but I've listened to them enough that I can actually stay awake and listen to the second part of the meditation, the part that focuses on where I am in a given cycle.  I really like the fact that there's a new mediation every day.  Not only does it keep it fresh, but it's also always right where I am in my cycle, so it's possible to focus on exactly what's happening in my body every night.  It's empowering, imagining follies growing or an embryo implanting, and relaxing, too.

I especially like the times during the 2ww where the meditation talks about negative feelings and fear.  There's a line in one of them that says something like, "negative feelings aren't going to hurt your growing embryo, but the repression of those feelings can be damaging.  So just let go."  That actually matched up with a conversation my friend Colette and I had after seeing "Eat Pray Love" last week, which made it even more powerful for me to hear it when I did.

I don't like that the meditation series I'm listening to is a combined medicated IUI/IVF cycle series, though.  I found the mentions of IVF jarring, since I'm hoping to avoid that completely, and that worked against my relaxation.  For that whole time between triggering, IUI and ovulation, the tracks just felt wrong - we weren't about to retrieve eggs from my follies, and no "bundle of cells" was about to be delivered to my uterus.  I didn't want to think about IVF, I wanted to be visualizing sperm fertilizing eggs.  I looked at the "natural cycle" meditation menu, and really wish I could have listened to some of those during that 3-4 day time period, but they're too expensive to buy the whole thing for just a couple of meditations.  So I listened to my AnjiOnline meditations on those nights.  I still don't like those anywhere near as much as the ones from C&B, but it was better than listening to IVF centered meditations for a few days.  As soon as I finish this post, I'm emailing C&B to give them my feedback - maybe they'll listen!

In my own fertility news, I POAS this morning.  Of course, it was a BFN.  I am only 10dpIUI, after all.  But I had to do it.  And now I won't POAS again...for at least another day or two.

(Bonus!  I just went to the C&B website and saw this post about a chance to win an iPad.  I'm totally linking this post to their contest! LOL)

2ww Obsessing

Here I am, 6dpIUI #4, trying not to obsess.  This was a perfect cycle.  I had three follicles, EWCM and ovulations pains post IUI; there’s nothing that could have been any better about this cycle. I’m really hopeful that I’m pregnant. 

There’s a site that I love, that I’ve looked at every 2ww so far, called The Visible Embryo.  It details (with pictures) what’s going on after the egg gets fertilized.  Right now, if all went well, I should have a little embryo about to burrow in for implantation.  Last time I did this, I felt something like menstrual cramps around 6dpIUI, and I’m convinced it was implantation.  Today I can’t tell if I’ve felt anything or not. I still have a lot of bloating and weird feelings inside from my overachieving left ovary, so I’ve had something that could be interpreted as implantation cramping at least 3 times so far this cycle! 

Other than that, I had no symptoms with my last IUI, and so I’ve been able to avoid obsessively searching through lists of symptoms at sites like TwoWeekWait.com.  That site will drive you crazy, so I’m glad I’ve been able to stay away.

So my obsessing has consisted of reading lots and lots of blogs, getting teary eyed over cute baby pictures and pictures of sweet toddlers interacting with their parents and rereading my journal entries from my previous cycles  Whenever I try to distract myself with things like housecleaning and work, I still end up coming back to my computer and obsessing again. 

If this continues, I might need an intervention.  Or at the very least, a cupcake.  (Have I mentioned how much weight I've gained?)

ETA:  I'm watching Paul Blart: Mall Cop and I'm deeply disturbed both by how much it reminds me of Die Hard, and by how hard it's making me laugh.  "I'll meet you on the corner of Neh and Ver" rates up there with "Yipeekaiyay motherf*cker" in all time great movie lines. (I reserve the right to change my mind on that once the 2ww is over.)

A Little Help from My Friends

 Married or single, going through IF treatments is stressful and exhausting – I don’t think that’s a newsflash to anyone.  But going through this as a single woman can be isolating and lonely, too.  Not having a partner to share the ups and downs with can really take a toll on your sanity.  I find it fascinating that whenever a woman is considering being a single mom, someone always asks, “Do you have a good support network for when you have a baby?” but no one ever asks, “Do you have a good support network for while you’re trying to have a baby?”

I’m lucky that I have a wonderful and supportive group of friends who have cheered me on every step of the way, but none of them can ever be as emotionally invested as I am.  And it’s pretty unlikely any of them would cuddle with me in the night and imagine with me the possibility of a baby. :)  On top of that, I’m pretty sure that a certain amount of IF fatigue sets in for them after awhile. I’m grateful for all the love they’ve given me, but I’ve also started to feel guilty. It feels like I’ve failed because I can’t give them happy news, or at least happy news that stays happy.  I can understand why some couples choose to keep their IF treatments a secret from their friends, because it does get tiring saying, “No, no good news,” over and over again.  But they have the luxury of keeping things a secret, because they have each other.  (I know, it’s not always perfect, and marriages have fallen apart as a result of the stresses of IF, but I’m generalizing here.) 

This is where the online community has been a lifesaver for me.  There is nothing like the support of someone who is living a similar experience every day.  Single or not, a woman going through IF treatments is intimately familiar with the day to day stress and heartache that goes with trying to conceive through artificial means; the support I’ve found from those who read my blog and from women on the discussion boards I frequent has allowed me to keep my sanity these past few months.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you. 

My advice to anyone who might stumble across my blog as she considers becoming a single mother by choice is simple.  Create your TTC support network.  You don’t have to write a blog, or spill your life story out on a discussion board if you’re not comfortable with that.  But find someone, somewhere, that you can share your journey with.  Strangers on the internet, your next door neighbor, your mom or your best friend – it doesn’t matter who.  Just don’t try to go it alone.  It’s just too hard for that. 

Monday night after my IUI, I was in bed with my hands on my belly, imagining a little zygote inside of me that will grow like mad the next 9 months to become my baby.  I was happy and hopeful, but also a little lonely, alone in the bed.  And then Tuesday morning I received an email from a friend I met through this blog.  She had written the email on Monday night, and ended it with this, “Pleasant dreams tonight! Perhaps a match (already) made in heaven is happening as you sleep...”

Hearing those words from someone else right then, when I needed them the most, reminded me that despite the fact that I sleep alone, I’m not alone in this.  And that makes all the difference.

*even zebra know you need all the friends you can get!

Back in the Stirrups Again!

As soon as I walked into my RE's office, the receptionist greeted me, "Hi Shannon!"  As nice as she is, I never ever wanted to be on a first name basis with my RE's office staff!  At least they're friendly there, I couldn't handle the repeat visits if the staff was unpleasant.   Out of all the possible ultrasound rooms to choose from, the nurse gave me the one where I found out about my miscarriage two months ago.  As as I was sitting with my bare butt on the table, waiting for the tech, I had a moment where I teared up, but the need to cry passed and I was ok.  Freak out #1 avoided.

I've had a big, annoying cyst on my right ovary for over a year.  It just sits there and looks annoying, never producing anything, so doesn't interfere with my cycles.  It bothers me, knowing it's there, and I was hoping it was gone, but it's still there, annoying as ever.  At least there aren't any new cysts around. The ultrasound also showed that I've got 7 happy little antral follicles hanging out, waiting to be my baby.  I usually have about that number, and while I'd like more, I'm happy with 7.   Freak out #2 and #3 dodged as well.

Libby (the nurse) went over my instructions with me (Femara 5mg starting tomorrow, and Gonal-F 150IU starting Sunday) and sent me off to the lab and pharmacy.  She called me a few hours later with my lab results.  My estradiol was 27, so the cyst still isn't doing anything, and I'm good to start my meds.  My FSH didn't make me happy though; at 11.4 it's the highest it's been since I started all this.

Freak out #4 trying to happen, thanks to my FSH level.  I know it's just a number, and I really need to stop thinking about it.  And I'm trying to!  My sleep deprivation from a rough week at work isn't helping much.  I got pregnant just three four months ago with an FSH of 10.6 - 11.4 really isn't that different, it just seems like it is.

Right now I'm at the airport, waiting for a flight to Las Vegas, and looking forward to sleeping the whole way there.  I'm going for a conference, but I'm taking tomorrow to have fun.  I think I'm going to have a spa treatment (maybe something different, like chakra balancing or reflexology, since work made me miss acupuncture this week), a good meal and then I'm going to go see Cirque du Soleil's Love.  My conference is all day Saturday and part of Sunday (11 hours all about the thyroid!) and then I'm heading home.  Hopefully I'll be able to relax and come back rested and calm.

I just realized that I'll have to give myself my first Gonal-F shot on the plane if I stick to the administration time my RE gave me.  I wonder if I'm brave enough to do that in my seat.  The thought of shooting up in the plane's lavatory gives me the heebie-jeebies!

New Cycle

About an hour ago I discovered that AF has made an early arrival.  YAAAAAY!  I thought my cycle was going to be off this month and it was, as today is just CD 25.  Since AF started so late in the evening, my RE considers CD1 to be tomorrow, which is fine with me, because it's CD1 of the cycle that I'm back to trying to conceive!

I'll go in Thursday for my baseline ultrasound, and I'm a little nervous.  Ok, I'm a lot nervous.  What if my antral follicle count has dropped even more?  What if I have a new huge cyst on one of my ovaries and I get sidelined for another month?  What if my ultrasound is in the same room I was in when I found out about my miscarriage, and I have a breakdown?  

What if I calm down, listen to a meditation or two and go to bed instead of freaking out?  

Fertility Meditations

After my second failed IUI, I took a month off from trying to conceive before cycling for IUI #3.  It wasn’t part of my plan, so I was miserable about the delay, and anxious to do something to improve my fertility while I waited. Which is how I found meditations for fertility.

The first one I came across was Kathy Freston’s Visualizing Pregnancy.  It’s about 20 minutes long, and I immediately liked it because she says something near the beginning like, “This isn’t magic, we can’t make something come true, just because we wish for it.”  Not something that we who want to become pregnant want to hear, but true, and I respected her for avoiding the “The Secret”-like mumbo jumbo.  It’s a relaxing 20 minutes, but it is somewhat mystical in nature – you are guided through visualizing God or spirit surrounding you and supporting you as you imagine being pregnant and having a successful pregnancy.  The end result of this meditation is relaxation and at least a few minutes of positive thinking, which has to be a good thing.

I got bored with just one meditation, though, so I tried the Meditations for a Fertile Soul from Anji Online (warning, her website has her talking on it, and I can NOT figure out how to turn her off, so don’t click on the link if you don’t want anyone listening to know your business!)  This is a series of 3 meditations that was created with fertility guru Randine Lewis, and is for at any time in your cycle.  The first one, A New Hope, started off well, (despite the fact that the title brings to mind Jedi warriors instead of fertile ovaries) but it quickly went downhill.  There’s one part where she asks the listener to think of all the negative words she’s used to describe her fertility in the past – and then after a pause she starts offering up examples.  Really horrible, mean and hateful examples!  It felt like she was using all those words to describe what she thought of my fertility and I hated it.  Totally ruined my relaxation.  The other two were better, but did involve visualizing things like golden cords connecting you to the earth and to spirit, and pink misty light healing all the dark places inside.  I liked those parts, but they’re a lot of work, not particularly relaxing and definitely not good for me to listen to right before bed.  And they’re long, almost 30 minutes, so I rarely make time for them.

I also listened to the Medicated Cycle meditation during my third IUI cycle, which I liked because it directs the listener to first visualize the medications working in the first two weeks, and then visualize conception and implantation in the second meditation.  I found myself wishing there were more meditations to listen to, because I did get a little bored with it after a few days, though.

For my next IUI, I decided I needed something new.  I looked around, a found Circle and Bloom.  Their website says their meditations focus on tapping into the mind body connection, and there is a definite difference, at least so far.  I bought their IVF/IUI program, which has a different meditation to listen to every two days, including a special one for trigger day and IUI or ET.  There’re even three mediations to listen to precycle. 

So far, I’ve listened to just the precycle meditations.  The first one is more of an introduction to what the rest are going to be like; it really just establishes the foundation of thinking about a mind body connection.  The next two are more involved, and focus on imagining your reproductive system as being in balance, including focusing on the hypothalamus and pituitary (the two glands that are responsible for hormones like FSH and LH).  Each session begins with a directed relaxation exercise, then goes on to the real meat of the meditation.  There’s less of a focus on God or a higher being in these meditations than the other ones I’ve listened to, which doesn’t matter to me, but some might find they like these more (or less) because of that.  Best of all, they last only 15 minutes, so they’re easy to fit into the day.  I’ve listened to one almost every night for the past few weeks, and I’m really starting to look forward to having something new to listen to soon!  I’ll let you know what I think of the series once I finish it, but so far it seems like Circle and Bloom is the winner (even if her voice does occasionally irritate me).

I don’t know if all the claims on the websites are true.  I don’t know if these meditations actually do anything at all to improve my chances of conceiving.  But it helps me to know that I’m doing something, and gives me some semblance of control in a situation that is really completely out of my control.  And it’s relaxing.  As wound up as I feel lately, anything that relaxes me is a good thing.   

Forward Thinking

Puerto Rico was wonderful.  The hotel was beautiful, the beach lovely, and the pool was amazing.  It was also the perfect amount of time: just enough to be able to relax, but short enough that I didn’t feel lonely. 

I’m finding it hard to write about what this weekend did for me without sounding a little silly, so please bear with me as I struggle to put my thoughts into words.  It was nice to be able have time to think clearly about where I am right now, without distractions other than the sun and the heat.  I’ve come to the conclusion that as much as I hate having to wait another month, it was probably a good thing.  I have more time now for the supplements I’m taking to improve my egg quality, my body has another month to heal, and so does my spirit.  I was finally able to think about trying to conceive without feeling all the negative emotions associated with my miscarriage overshadowing everything.  Those emotions haven’t gone away, but they’re more manageable now, less overpowering. 

I also listened to Kathy Freston’s “Visualizing Pregnancy” meditation for the first time since April, and I did okay with it.  It’s what I listened to almost every day for the month before my successful IUI, and I’m certain that it helped to calm me down and to sleep better, especially during my 2ww.  I didn’t find as helpful this time, maybe because it just doesn’t seem to apply to me anymore, as it focuses a lot on actually believing that you can get pregnant.  I did listen to the first two “precycle” meditations from Circle and Bloom’s Meditation for IUI/IVF cycle.  These are geared towards enhancing the mind/body connection, and feel much more appropriate for me right now.  I’ll continue to listen to the “precycle” meditations over the next month, and then move on through the rest of the program as I go through my next cycle, and let you all know what I think of them then. 

For now, I’m excited that I’m able to focus on doing the right things to help make my next IUI a success, instead of still focusing exclusively on what I need to do to heal.  Looking forward – it’s a nice feeling.

Donor Drama

As I was pondering AF yesterday (yes, I do that all the time these days, and no, still no sign of her – yay!) it occurred to me that I only have one vial of swimmers left at my RE’s office. Having only one vial makes me nervous: what if I go through all the scans and blood draws and meds next cycle, only to find that something was wrong with the last vial I have left? I looked online, and saw that my donor only has IUI ready vials (meaning the swimmers have been washed already) available. My clinic insists on washing all swimmers before an IUI, so they had suggested that I always buy the cheaper, unwashed ICI vials. So I called the Cyrobank, and asked when my donor might have more ICI vials available. She checked and cheerfully said, “Never, this donor has been retired.”

Yikes! What to do? I called my RE’s office and talked to Patsy, the coordinator for the lab, to ask her if they really do insist on washing all vials, even the IUI ones. She told me that they actually don’t, but that in their lab the IUI specimens don’t seem to be as good as the ICI vials.  But since I have a proven track record with my donor, and I’m a little attached to him, she suggested I go ahead and buy two of the IUI ready vials as back up for next time. Then she reminded me that if I eventually go the IVF route, they require I have at least two vials on hand, just in case.

After I finished talking with Patsy, I called the Cryobank, and spent a lot of money I hadn’t planned on spending this month on 2 vials of swimmers. And then I started to have a minor crisis about my future plans for TTC. What if I try two IUIs, they don’t work and I have to go to IVF? I’ll have to order another vial of swimmers – and then what if my donor is all used up? Maybe I should try just one IUI before IVF?  Or maybe I should just skip right to IVF now? Or maybe I should stop driving myself crazy and think about something else?

I took the last suggestion, slept on my minor crisis, and woke up feeling much calmer this morning. With a clear head, I was able to remind myself just how expensive IVF really is, and that I've gotten pregnant with an IUI once, so there's no reason to think I can't do it again. Now I’m back to my original plan of two IUIs and then on to IVF (because, as several people have pointed out, I'm not getting any younger!)  If I have to use the IUI ready vial and it has iffy swimmers, I’ll have them thaw both vials and mix them. And if I have to go on to IVF, and my donor is all used up, I’ll order my second choice donor. And if he’s all used up…I guess I’ll have to have another “Who’s Your Daddy” party to choose a new donor!

As my sister pointed out, this would have all been a lot easier if I’d just picked up a hot guy at the beach last weekend. I’m pretty sure I was ovulating. ;)

Waiting for AF

 No one tells you that the whole process of  TTC is all about AF.  Either waiting for her to start, or hoping she’ll stay away, no matter where you are in your cycle, it's all focused on AF.  I’ve spent the past two weeks hoping she’d hurry up and get here, because the sooner she came, the sooner my next period would start.  And my first period that starts 6 weeks (or later) after my D&C is the one that I can start TTC again. 

But here it is, 5 weeks since my D&C, and no AF.  Which means if AF holds off another 6 days, I can start as early as next week!  And that has me really excited (and a little nervous).  I’m trying to keep that excitement a low simmer right now, because AF really can come any day, but I’m really hoping I’ll luck out this time. 

I’ve spent the past day and a half convinced that AF was on her way, due to some lower abdominal achiness.  Until I realized that I ache all over everywhere, thanks to Monday morning’s super hard workout.  So maybe AF isn’t about to appear, maybe all I’m feeling is the result of a good workout.  But if she coming this week, she needs to hurry up and get here.  Because starting on Friday or Saturday would be just mean. 

It’s madness, trying to analyze everything my body is feeling; it’s almost as bad as the 2ww.  I’ve had to use a lot of restraint to not talk about this with my coworkers today, I know they really don’t want to hear about my periods.  But luckily I have the blogging world and discussion boards where I can share all – I really don’t know how choice moms that aren’t part of the online community do it when they’re TTC.