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| Finn's First Rainbow |
I know I want two children - I've always wanted two children. Well, in all honesty, I've always wanted a houseful of kids, but when thinking about doing this as a single mom, I think two is a much more reasonable number than I'd previously planned on. The question now is how do I go about getting my second child - and when?
I've thought about adoption, but it really isn't the easy option I used to think it was. There's a huge part of me who would love to have a full biologic sibling for Finn - or even a half sibling - if at all possible. And I really liked being pregnant, much more than I ever expected I would. It's an experience I'd like to have again. So, unless an adoption opportunity drops in my lap, I've decided to try to get pregnant again.
Ideally I'd like to wait until Finn is 2-3 years old, and then try to conceive. But, my fertility was already iffy when I conceived Finn, and even though I was lucky enough to need only 4 IUIs to get him, I know that I probably won't be that lucky with 42 or 43 year old eggs, and probably not even with 41 year old eggs.
I could possibly still stick to that timetable by going through an IVF cycle next spring, but freezing all the embryos for future use. The benefit is obvious - I'd have 40 (almost 41) year old eggs, but I could wait until Finn was out of diapers before getting pregnant again. The drawbacks are considerable, though. Would I be comfortable doing just one IVF cycle? If I did only one and none of the embryos led to a pregnancy, I'd find myself at 43 with no chance to try again with my own eggs. I just don't know how comfortable I'd be with doing just one cycle, but then again, I certainly don't want to spend the money on more than one cycle unless I know I really need it.
My other option would be to try to conceive again when Finn is a year old. Because of my age, I'd probably go straight to IVF - and if it worked, I could potentially have a newborn before Finn is two. That would make for a hard couple of years (to say the least), but then as they got older, they'd be able to play together a lot more than children who were 4 years apart could. And it puts me several years closer to being able to do real travel with the kids, which is something I'm really looking forward to (if I survive the first couple of years, that is). It's taken me 5 hours to get this post written, and all I have in my house right now is one 8 week old. I can't imagine what life would be like with a two year old and an 8 week old at the same time, but I'm sure it wouldn't be boring.
I wish someone would tell me what to do; I'm hoping that my RE will tell me, or at least give me his honest opinion on which option is most likely to give me another child. All the while, in the back of my head, I can't help but wonder if I hit the jackpot with an easy pregnancy and a wonderful child, and I should just be happy being a mom and kid family, instead of a mom and kids family. That's usually just a fleeting thought, my reasons for wanting another child are so strong that I know I need to at least try, but still that little thought finds its way into my head from time to time.
It's a nice distraction, thinking about my next child instead of the fact that in two weeks I'll be 14 hours away from going back to work (more about that in my next post!)
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It's a tough call, Shannon, particularly because your ideal life timetable and your reproductive timetable are at odds. I conceived LG when I was 30 and knew I wanted kids 4-5 years apart. There was simply no way I could have balanced work and two small kids. So I started trying at 35 and, well, you know the rest of the story. But even needing to use DE, I do not regret waiting until I was really ready to parent another child.
ReplyDeleteThat said, the IVF and freeze idea is really interesting...
Shan, this is a tough decision but it's important to think about it now because we don't have time on our side. I like the idea of having kids 1-2 years apart although it will be hectic. I don't mind though-- I can sleep when I'm 80 y/o.
ReplyDeleteI think the IVF with embryos freezing work well-- it's a huge difference trying to conceive at 40-41 y/o vs. 42-44 y/o. I'm sure your RE will recheck your FSH and AMH again so this will give you a good indication of what to do next.
I think Gwinne's referencing of DE is an interesting point... maybe it's worth being open to this idea in order to be able to space your children in a way that feels best to you?
ReplyDeleteOr rather, maybe it's worth asking yourself if having a child from your own egg is more important to you than the spacing, and why???
It sounds like maybe the answer is yes... but I think it's a good conversation to have with yourself. I couldn't begin to know how to answer that question...
Either way, it's an impressive recommendation of life as an SMC that you are already thinking about #2! Which is wonderful! and reassuring to me as I'm on the cusp of being a new mom, and wondering what it's all about.
I read blog where a woman was doing 3 cycles of retrievals and freezing all the embryos. Our ovaries are on a schedule of their own, if you want more kids, do all that you can now to ensure you can have them.
ReplyDeleteAll I can think is that you won't even remember a couple years of chaos once the kids are a couple years old.
I am in the same boat. I actually met with my RE and we have a plan for #2. I am scared out of my mind...how am I going to do this? I chose not to wait more than one year after my son was born. I am going to be 4-0 in the fall, so the sooner I can get over this reproductive hurdle(as I see it), the better. If you can swing it earlier than later, I'd imagine the hurdle wont be as big...but in any case, I hope for the best for you! The right plan will present itself. =)
ReplyDeleteI really wish that I had started this journey years sooner so that I wouldn't have to worry so much about my aging eggs as I try for #2. I'm really enjoying my son and wish I didn't have to rush into TTC again. Good luck with your decision! Just think you could be only 10 months away from your next maternity leave!
ReplyDeleteWow, good for you for even thinking about this when Finn's still such a newborn! And for thinking about making yourself outnumbered! I think Evelyn's idea makes some sense. Do one IVF and see how many embryos you get and the quality. Then you could do another right after if you think you need more frozen embryos. Of course, all this could be expensive, but in an ideal world, that seeems to make sense.
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you how many times I thought "I wish that someone would tell me what to do" when making all of my cycle decisions. I do know that a time will come when making the decision will be clear to you though, so hold out for that and try not to stress yourself out too much until then. Which is, of course, so much easier said than done! ;) Good luck Shannon!
ReplyDeleteIt's ironic to reply to your post while I'm awake in the middle of the night with contractions as #2 is about to enter the world...
ReplyDeleteYou sound decided on having two (which I was too, I bought 12 vials of sperm at the outset to try to ensure I'd have enough for 2 attempts, then lucky me only needed 3 of the vials!). You're on the right track I'd say- consult with RE, considering IVF to harvest as young of eggs as possible, etc. I had exacty the same mindset as you - would ideally like a bit more space in some ways (my sanity) but also like the idea of close age span between the kids. I'm sure the next couple of years will be very hard. But am also sure, no matter how hard it is, I will never regret the decision to have my 2nd! I did my first T42 IUI when Fiona was 12 months old, assuming it would take me at least a few tries and that if it happened sooner that would be a blessing. I'll love to hear how your thinking progresses on this. (oh, and I'll also so that in my experience having a toddler is a lot more work than a newborn!).
BTW, I the rainbow photo is INCREDIBLE! And I note, there are TWO rainbows in that photo! Good luck with this journey!
I think your key decision is about the timing... how much of an age gap you want between your children? Given that you had 4 IUI's and in 2 of them became pregnant, I wouldn't expect that you would need to move to IVF in the near future... unless you decide to create/preserve embryos for a transfer a few years from now.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure your RE can help provide guidance.
I also want two but was told by my OB that I need to wait 18 months bevause of the c section. You may have a similar restriction. This is my opinion on your options. I would err on the sooner than later because you have all the options open to you. As you well know, these options disappear. I would rather not live worrying if I have #2 and if it's too late. Yes, it won't be easy but newborns are tough regardless and Finn will still be taking naps so there will be rest. Your diaper, breastfeeding, nanny and gear costs/time will be concentrated in a shorter time frame. As you said, you all could travel sooner. I hated hearing wait until your brother is older. You also need to consider genetic disorder risks too, again the sooner the better.
ReplyDeleteIt's a tough choice...with so many parts involved. One of the things I find so exhausting is having to be the one to make all of the decisions, especially when I'm always second guessing myself. I wish I had some sage advice, a crystal ball or a million bucks to give you to make your choice & decisions easier.
ReplyDeleteI always saw myself with more than one child (well actually even more than two, but as you said, as a single mother that's not likely..). I'd love more than anything to have another child, but don't know if that will be possible.. Oh well.. I do wish you luck in whatever path you choose!
ReplyDeleteI'm exhausted, and broke. I know #2 will be a bit of a struggle, but I want L to have a sibling, so I have to try. If it turns out I'm not successful, then at least I can say I tried. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIt's a tough call. Hopefully you're RE can wisely advise you on your best course of action.
ReplyDelete