Delurking Rocks!

A huge thank you to everyone who has de-lurked to say hi - I've loved learning a little bit about you all.    Each reply has made me smile - and made the last few days of this two week wait a lot more fun! Try not to be strangers between now and the next International Blog Delurking Day!  :)

It was fun for me to see where some of you found me - I forget sometimes how many different online places I've roamed in this journey.  For those of you who wondered, LJ is Live Journal.  Back in the days before FB, my girlfriends all shared our lives with each other on LJ.  E (aka Evie of the socks I wore for this IUI) set up a link between this blog and LJ when I started posting here more frequently.  They were the first friends I told about my plans to become an SMC, and were such HUGE support during my 2wws and miscarriage.  (My first 2ww, they each took a day and spent the day worrying for me.  It's amazing how many pregnancy symptoms a person can feel when supporting a friend in the 2ww!)

As for this two week wait - tomorrow is the day.  Based on the past two cycles, if I don't get a BFP tomorrow I should see AF instead. Just a few hours from now, I should have the answer. This has been the longest two week wait I've ever had.  But who are we kidding?  I feel that way every single time.  The two week wait just sucks.

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I had acupuncture tonight - my wonderful acupuncturist is back from maternity leave, and I was so happy to see her!  We had a great catch-up session, and then I had the most relaxing acupuncture session in ages.  In the midst of this relaxation I suddenly felt an incredible calm come over me.  I know that I will have another baby.  I'm not sure if it's this cycle, but I know something is going to work.  But I've know that all along, even if I have to do donor eggs, I will have another baby.  My biggest fear with IVF is the cost and what the cost is going to me to my family's future.  In the midst of my acupuncture session, I realized that if I have to do IVF, I will find a way to pay for it.  I may be stuck in this little house longer than I planned, and I probably will be a renter for the rest of my life, but I will find a way.

That's not to say that I'm not going to cry if it's a BFN tomorrow.  But I feel a lot less panic at the thought that I might not get good news tomorrow.

On the Countdown

I can not believe how tired I am these days.  I know it's normal, but somehow I thought I'd escape that.  Just like I thought I'd escape swollen ankles and hemorrhoids.  I have no idea why I thought I'd be any different than every other woman on the planet who's 9 months pregnant, but I've now been proven wrong!

Last night I had dinner with LB, and after dinner we came back to my place to visit and so she could feel my belly and tell me what position Chiquitito is in, since I've been having trouble being sure myself.  I felt like he dropped some after my acupuncture appointment last week - the first one where she started adding needles to points that will help prepare my body for labor.  Ever since then, it's been easier to bend over, and I was pretty sure his head had dropped into my pelvis.  But then at times it feels like his head is under my ribcage, so I wasn't sure.  LB confirmed that his head is low, and he's all stretched out with his butt and thighs under my ribcage, and his legs usually extended off to the side.  He feels awfully long, but I'm really short-waisted, so it's hard to have real perspective.  And it is awfully nice to have a friend who's an OB!

As of today, I have two weeks of work left (yes, I'm working up until my due date - but I'm planning on taking 3 months off, and I want to make sure most of that time is going to be spent with Chiquitito once he's born) and as a bonus I have a three day weekend starting tomorrow.  First thing in the morning, I'm taking my car and car seat to a car seat clinic to have the experts install it for me.  It's technically one of those where they are supposed to just inspect it, but everyone I know who has been to one says they learned they did it wrong, and the workers had to redo it anyway.  So I'll just be saving them the step of having to undo my mistakes, which I think it very kind of me.

I have an appointment for a prenatal massage after that and then I'm planning on getting a pedicure (my toenails are atrocious and it's getting way to warm to continue to wear close toed shoes), followed by some Target shopping and some exchanges at the baby stores.  I'm wrapping up the day with dinner with  the newly knocked up bun in the oven, which is always a fun time!

T-18 days and counting!

Fertility Evaluation

My toes in the Usambara Mountains of Tanzania

For anyone that missed it, for my first ICLW week I decided to recap the course of my journey before I started this blog.  A couple of days ago I posted about deciding to become a Choice Mom.  Today, I'm blogging about my first visits with my RE; I think my next blog will be about choosing my donor, and then in the next day or so I'll write about my first 3 IUIs, and how crazy they made me.  It's been fun writing these; time really does have a way of putting things in a different perspective!

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By the time I had an appointment with my RE, the summer after I turned 37, I knew all about IUIs, OPKs and BFPs, thanks to my hours spent on SMC discussion boards. My choice of an RE was easy; one of my best friends is an OB, and she said her patients always had the best results with this particular doctor, and so that’s who I went with. At the start of our evaluation, he was optimistic that, based on my history of normal periods, all would be great. He even recommended we start with non-medicated cycles

He did want me to have a full fertility evaluation done first, though, and so I had my Day 3 labs done with an ultrasound, an AMH level and an HSG. My HSG looked great (aside from a wonky cervix that required a balloon catheter to get through – ouch!), but the rest of my labs were not so great. My AMH level was low at 0.49, with an FSH running just a tad high at 9 with a good estradiol level, and my antral follicle count was on the low side.

I got all these results over the phone from the nurse; because of a scheduling conflict I couldn’t get in to see the RE until a month after we’d finished all the tests. It embarrasses me a little now to admit how I felt then, but I had a major freak out. I guess because I look younger than I am, I expected my ovaries to act younger than they are, too. I was so sure my fertility evaluation was going to be perfect, and when I found out it wasn’t, I was terrified. I went from imagining a couple of IUIs, to anticipating multiple BFNs, IVF, huge bills and the potential for no baby at all. In retrospect, I overreacted, imagining problems and obstacles that might never materialize. As my RE had pointed out in our first visit, nothing shows what your fertility status is like actually TTC.

Which is what he reminded me of when we had our first post-evaluation visit. He told me that if I’d come to him after a year of TTC on my own, we would be talking about going straight to IVF. But since I’d never tried to conceive on my own, he thought that 3 IUI cycles with Clomid would be reasonable, and then reassessing after that, based on my response. “Your labs are only indicators of a potential problem. They don’t tell us the whole story.”

I was a little comforted by our appointment, but I still worried. One wonderful result of that worry was an appointment with an acupuncturist who specializes in fertility. I honestly think that my weekly appointments with her helped to restore my sanity. And they probably helped with my fertility as well. But even if it turns out that traditional Chinese medicine does nothing at all for fertility, I feel so much better, so much more like myself as a result of working with her, that I don’t really care.

I happily took all my herbs, did my fertility yoga, ate organic and lost 15 pounds over the course of the next six months, looking forward to my last vacation before starting the IUI process in January 2010. I was ready for the thought that it was going to take me a few tries to be successful. I was optimistic, with a healthy dose of pessimism mixed in, so I was sure I was going to sail through TTC with no major problems, no weight gain and just joyful anticipation.

I was wrong about that! I think that’s what I’ll cover in my one of my next posts.  :)

ETA:  I just realized that I have 99 days left until my due date....and this was my 99th blog entry.  This makes the third crazy number thing this pregnancy (after a conception date of 8/9/10 and 111 days left on 1/11/11) - I wonder if he's going to be a math genius?

Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

The comments after my last post were beyond amazing, and I’m so grateful for each and every one.  While I hate that there are other women out there who understand and have lived my feelings, it helps so much right now to know that I’m not alone.  The reassurances that it’s okay (and even normal) to feel angry and sad and bitter have allowed me to let go of a lot of the guilt I was feeling; and I think that’s going to help me be able to maybe actually be happy and supportive for LB sooner than sometime next year. *g*  Thanks to all of you for taking the time to leave such wonderful comments.

I’ve had a hard time sticking to my diet this week, and as I succumbed to the lure of a hot Krispy Kreme donut today, I swear I could hear my ovaries screaming, “No! No refined sugar!”  I told my acupuncturist about this, and she reassured me that my ovaries are happiest when I’m happiest, and if I need a Kripsy Kreme donut or two to make me happy this week, then that’s okay. 

I think I love my acupuncturist.

Monday for Tuesday

Today was a rough day. To all those women in the discussion board universe who post that they were back at 100% just days after their D&C – how was that possible? Here it is, a week later, and I still feel bad. I’m sure today was all about post-pregnancy hormone changes, since I’ve had what feels like my usual AF related headache for the past two days. Worse than a usual headache, but it feels like the same kind of thing. Add to that a little nausea, some dizziness, and an overwhelming urge to cry, and you have a good representation of my day.

Luckily, I had an acupuncture appointment tonight, my first since my miscarriage. I started seeing Hope (that’s really her name) last August after my fertility labs came back borderline low. I have no idea if my almost weekly sessions with her have made a difference in my fertility, but I do know they have made a difference in how I feel. After my first month of sessions with her, I started to feel more balanced, both emotionally and physically, than I have in years.

Each session starts with a discussion about how I’m feeling – a discussion that usually lasts about 10 minutes. Hope asks about all the little details, and she honestly seems interested in the answers. Part of the appeal of our sessions may have something to do with just how nice it is to have someone so very interested in the minutia of how I’m feeling from day to day. She then examines my tongue, feels my pulses and has my lie on the table. The needles are teeny tiny, and don’t usually hurt (though occasionally I do get a little zing from one in a particularly tender spot). Hope leaves me under heating lamps in a quiet room for 20-30 minutes, and that’s it. I usually leave feeling relaxed, refreshed and balanced. Today was no different. My head still hurts, but it’s eased off enough to breathe, and I was actually hungry for dinner tonight. Maybe I’m really on the road to recovery, after all.

If you’re really interested in how Chinese medicine works for fertility, I highly recommend The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis. It’s an easy and fascinating read, even if you aren’t trying to get pregnant.

Oh, a completely random aside – JJ Abrams has a new show coming up next year! Undercovers - Hart to Hart meets Alias? The previews make it look like it has potential!