(more than) Halfway Through Leave

It looks like my weekly picture post is also going to become my usual day for a real blog entry as well.  I like that my 365 project is going to keep me posting, even when I get busy, tired, distracted or lazy.

The days run together on maternity leave, a blur of spit ups, diaper changes, silly songs with a toddler, time outs with that same toddler, diet cokes and too much food.  Zachary has been doing a lot of cluster feeding lately, often feeding every hour for what seems like hours on end.  He's also gone a few 3 hour stretches without eating - conveniently at night the past few nights, so I've started off the night with some decent sleep the past few nights, though it never lasts the whole night.

Finn still comes to bed with me between 4-6am, which coincides with Zachary's fussy period.  Zachary wakes to eat sometime around then, and pretty consistently fusses and makes grunty noises for at least an hour or two after that.  As you can imagine, that leads to Finn not getting consistently good sleep, either.  I keep talking to him about getting better sleep if he stays in his own bed until it's light outside, but he's not falling for it.  I could make him go back to his own bed, but there have been so many changes in his life the past few months, I just don't think either of us are ready for that just yet.  So instead we're working on better naps and I'm dealing with a grumpy toddler who needs more sleep at least a few days a week.  He is now staying in his bed at bedtime, even when he doesn't fall asleep right away, and I consider that a huge win, as that's been something I've been trying to accomplish for over a year.

Zachary still mostly only cries when he's hungry or uncomfortable.  He makes the loudest grunting noises I've ever heard from a baby - sometimes when he's unhappy, sometimes for no reason at all.  It makes watching tv with him a challenge.  (And that's often the reason I can't sleep at night, as he grunts while sleeping.)  He's got the sweetest smile, and follows me with his eyes and seems to recognize both me and his big brother.  He's also started to notice the mobile above his swing, so I got out the play mat this week.  He's not too impressed with it yet, but Finn loves it.

And now for the pictures for week 6:

3/19/14: blurry "crap I forgot to take a picture today!" bedtime shot

3/20/14: First trip to the hardware store 

3/21/14: sleepy smiles

3/22/14: this was supposed to be a picture of just Zachary, but Finn couldn't resist getting in on the shot

3/23/14: Contemplating the meaning of Pharrell's "Happy"

3/24/14: quality time with Uncle Tivo (Jennie's husband)

3/25/14: dozing on the playmat

365 - Week 5

 My little Zachary seems to be waking up more every day.  This week he smiled at me as I was talking to him, and has since smiled at Jennie and at Finn.  Oh, when he smiled at Finn it was a magical moment.  Finn just adores Zachary (except when he's being noisy early in the morning), and was leaning over Zachary's chair talking to him - and Zachary grinned up at him.  "Mommy, he's smiling at me!  He loves me!  He loves me!"

Sleep has been pretty variable around here; I did get one 3 hour stretch of sleep Sunday night, but it was followed by an awake and restless baby from 3-5am.  I'm really looking forward to some sort of predictable schedule from this little guy, but he's clearly not ready for it, yet.

I'm glad others of you commented on my post last week with your agreement of disliking the newborn period.  I feel a little guilty not liking it, but I really don't, and it makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.  Every stage of development has its bad parts, I know, but with the newborn stage, the good just isn't great enough to outweigh all the hard/bad/rough stuff.  I frequently think of something my friend Carrie said to me once about the early weeks with a baby, "At this age, there's very little return on your investment."  So true!  With his smiles, I feel the tide is beginning to turn, and I'll soon have an interactive baby on my hands.

I did manage to get some good pictures with my camera this week and also a few last minute shots taken late at night.  You may notice that Zachary seems to be looking a LOT bigger...we noticed it, too.  So we weighed him this weekend.  He's currently clocking in at 13.8 pounds.  No idea how long he is, but he's definitely longer, too.  He still spits up so much that I was worried about him getting adequate nutrition, but I guess I can stop worrying about that now!

3/12/14: bathtime!

3/13/14: sleeping boy

3/14/14: brothers

bonus 3/14/14 - this one is being framed 

3/15/14: serious face

3/16/14: asleep in the new (borrowed) swing

3/17/14: happy boy just before bedtime

3/18/14: sleeping while Finn hammers away in the background (both still in their pjs)

Bonus 3/18/14 - not great pictures, but worth keeping - Z smiling at F for the first time (I wasn't fast enough to turn on the overhead light or get the best shots but at least I got a few)

Support Systems

Budding photographer

We had a full house this weekend: Jennie is here still, and two of my single mom friends and their children came for the weekend.  We had a 3 week old, a 5 week old, a 15 month old and an almost 3 year old in the house and it was nonstop noise and craziness.  Despite the sleep deprivation, we had a great time.  It's the first time Finn has been the oldest in a small group of kids playing together, and it was fun seeing him in that role.  Little B, the 15 month old, followed him everywhere.  Half the time Finn found it maddening, and the other half he really enjoyed it. It was such a fun weekend!


The past few months I've been reminded over and over again of the importance of community and support.  I am so lucky to have wonderful friends, both local and far away, who have provided me with physical support with my move, unpacking, and then with helping me care for my newborn and toddler.  I could have done it all without them, but it would have been impossibly hard - I know most of the boxes would still be packed and I doubt I would have had a shower in a week if I were doing this all on my own.

Accepting help doesn't come easily to me.  But I've finally learned that as a single mom of two kids, I have to accept help, and even learn to ask for it when I need it.  The first night I was home from the hospital, my friend LB insisted on coming over and spending the night - she slept in my room and took Zachary every time he woke up.  She brought him to me when he needed to eat, changed his diaper when needed, and took him out of the room so I could sleep when he was fussy.  The only reason I agreed to it was because she wouldn't stop pestering me to let her come. And it was the best thing I could have done.  I was so worn out after my delivery and the extra help (and the extra sleep) was exactly what I needed.  And so when Heidi said she was going to do the same for the next few days, I didn't argue. And so that first week postpartum I was amazingly rested, and I really think it sped my recovery tremendously.

My advice to any new single moms is to take this sort of help if someone offers.  Even if it's just one night, having that extra help with a newborn can be a lifesaver.

But there's another support that's just as important, if not even more important: the emotional support of those who are in the same place - other moms who have dealt with the same problems, single moms who know what it's like to do this on your own, moms of children conceived with donor sperm, donor egg, and friends who have been there with you during your journey as you support each other.

The single moms who were here this weekend are part of a single moms group that first got together on a discussion board almost 3 years ago.  We've seen each other through some pretty difficult times and some wonderful times.  Much like the blogging community, but it's a different dynamic, as our conversations take place on discussion boards and FB, rather than in posts and comments.  But nothing compares to talking face to face - in the short time we were together we discussed parenting challenges, the daddy question (including how we're going to handle daddies in stories and movies, such as "Finding Nemo"...which should probably be a post of its own), post-delivery recovery, discipline, donors, and more.  Most of these were discussions we've had online, but so different in person, as it's just easier to talk about some things than to try to write them down.

If anyone out there is reading this while considering the SMC route, or struggling with trying to conceive, or struggling with the day to day realities of being an SMC and does not have the support of the blogging community or a local SMC group, I'd highly recommend looking for an online discussion group.  There's one on Fertile Thoughts as well as the Choice Mom and Single Mothers by Choice communities - they all have a different dynamic, and like all communities, it may take a while to make connections, but it's so worth the effort if you're feeling alone and need some help.  If anyone reading has any other online forums they'd recommend, please share!

365 - Week 4

I have no idea how I had time to post and comment on other blogs so much when Finn was a newborn because wow, I don't have any time now.  My wonderful friend Jennie got here last Thursday and has been a great help, but it's still overwhelming these days. Sleep deprivation, eating every 2 hours (both me and Zachary), a grumpy toddler and then ALL of us with colds this last week...the newborn phase is hard.  I keep trying to savor it, to enjoy the sweet moments - the squishy baby sleeping on shoulder, the sweet smell, the soft skin, the first smiles and coos - but I'm still looking forward to getting through this period.  I just wish the end of this period didn't coincide with going back to work.

This week's pictures continue to be snapshots, mostly with my phone. I'm still aiming for pictures with my good camera, but not this week! It's still fun to capture little moments during the day; as someone mentioned on a prior post, sometimes the only way to capture those moments is with a phone.

3/5/14: Baby wearing

3/6/14: Trying out the new stroller

3/7/14: Family snuggle time

3/8/14: Lounging with Aunt Jennie

3/9/14: His 1 month picture (few days late) - he was sick with his cold, so this was the best picture I could get

3/10/14: Picture by Finn

3/11/14: Face and fingers

365 - Week 3 (and an update)

Zachary is 3 weeks old - almost 4 weeks - and is now officially in the fussy baby stage.  I'm averaging 3-4 hours of sleep a night, though sometimes I'm managing to get a short nap in during the day, which is just enough to keep me going.  Finn is adjusting to the idea that he is now having to share attention, and part of that adjusting is that he's definitely annoyed by Z's fussiness.  But I can definitely see that once Z is more interactive, Finn is going love having him around.

I was thinking back to what Finn was like at this age, and can say that poor sleep and fussiness aside, Z is a much easier baby.  I remember spending my 40th birthday with a baby who wouldn't stop crying, no matter what I did (Finn was 3 weeks old at the time) and I remember that continuing for weeks.  Z does cry, but usually only when he's hungry during the day, and if I'm not holding him during his very fussy and wide awake period (which is usually from about 10pm to 1-3am).  While I'm definitely frustrated by his refusal to sleep during that time, I'm not feeling overwhelmed and crazy with a constantly crying baby.

But I am sleep deprived and very short tempered. Finn has had a little bit of a cold the past few days too, and not sleeping well, so his fuse is short as well.  I really hope that the sleep gets better soon, so we have some quality time together as a family before it's time for me to go back to work.  I have taken a lot of your comments to heart from one of my previous posts, and have spent a lot more time just holding Z and hanging out with Finn this week, and less time working on getting my house organized.  All that can wait until I have a little more energy.

And now, the pictures (a day early, as I have a lot going on tomorrow and don't want to forget)...again more phone pictures than I'd hoped for, but sometimes the best picture happens when all I have is my phone.

2/26/14: Serious boy

2/27/14: sweet hands

2/28/14: late night selfie - finally asleep!

3/1/14: "He likes me, Mommy!" 

3/2/14: I love how Finn absent-mindedly reached down to pat Zachary's leg when he started to get fussy

3/3/14: I love this sweet face

3/4/14: big brother Finn trying to keep Z happy again - there's a nice mix of brotherly concern and annoyance on his face 

Let it Go

A few months ago I read a post by another single mom where she was feeling badly about how she'd lost her temper with her kids (something I think all moms can relate to!) and was struck by a comment someone made to her post.  "You single moms are so hard on yourselves."

I've thought a lot about that since then, and wondered if the commenter was right, and if it applied to me, too.

And I've come to the conclusion that I am too hard on myself. I think it stems from wanting children so badly, and thinking and planning for years and years to get to this point - I feel like with all the prep time, and how badly I wanted to be a mom, that I should be the perfect mom all the time.  My biggest life dream has come true - I should be singing "Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down" to my children when they're difficult, making every job a game, and being oh, so patient when they're displaying unwanted (yet age appropriate) behavior.

Instead, I lose my patience with my toddler and have to work really hard to avoid a swat on the butt or using a bunch of swear words...and sometimes as I'm doing it I realize that what he's doing isn't all that bad, I'm just out of patience.  I get irritated with my grunting and squeaking little newborn and have to leave the room for a few minutes to calm down.  I yell at my cat for meowing too loudly and too frequently.  I snap at my parents for being - well - themselves.  And then I feel guilty about it for hours after.

I'm definitely not winning any parenting awards these days.  But I also don't think I'm doing an awful job, either.  I know that if I were getting 8 hours of sleep every night, everything would be much easier.  I also know that feeling guilty about my shortcomings as a mom, especially when I'm so hormonal or sleep deprived, is not helping and probably making things worse.  So I'm going to give myself a break.  I'm going to try to be patient, and try to smile more, and dance more and laugh more, but I'm not going to allow myself to feel guilty if I fall short.

(written in March 2014 and accidentally saved in my drafts folder until March 2015...I decided I wanted to keep this, so I went ahead and published it)