Getting My Shit Together (for real this time)

I have decided that 2017 is going to be officially know as the Year I Get My Shit Together (for reals).

There are several areas I'm going to be focusing on - a big one is finally seeing a therapist.  We had our first session on Friday and I didn't expect to get much out of our first visit.  And yet I have. Totally worth every penny.  (And a subject of another post, I'm sure.)

My neglected blog is another area.  I read through old entries a few months ago, and miss having memories documented in the last year or so.  Even if no one ever reads them but me, it's worth it.  But there is the bonus of those few out there who still read blogs on a regular basis reaching out and saying hi when I post.  So while I'll likely never get back to the posting frequency I had back when I first started, I am going to try to post at least once a week.

My main focus for the next month is getting back on track with my health.  I need to lose about 25 pounds, but more importantly, I need to get healthy again.  So rather than focus on my weight, I'm going to focus on health.  Starting tomorrow, I'm going to aim for 3-6 servings of vegetables a day, 1 fruit, and 30 minutes of aerobic activity every single day (and more when I can). I'm also going to cut out processed sugars completely.  I know this is not something I can or want to continue, but after the excesses of the past few months, I absolutely have to do this to get back on track.  I cannot give up caffeine completely, but I'm going to go back to 2 Diet Cokes a day and water the rest of the day.

I know I will feel so much better.  Getting 7 hours of sleep most nights has helped, but I'm still more tired than I should be, and I know it's all lifestyle.  So January 2017 is all about fixing that.

There are a few other goals that I'm going to focus on over the next year that will spread out across the year (like blogging more), but I'm also going to go with a monthly goal or challenge, too.  It turns out, that sort of thing works really well for me.

This picture is my life in a nutshell.

Schedules

I never did report on how I did with the walking competition at work - I made both of my goals.  I got in 10,000 steps at least 3 days a week every week for 6 weeks, and I walked enough in that time period to make it to the beach from here (which means I won a prize - a grocery bag with our hospital name on it and a water bottle.  Woohoo.)  I'm pretty proud of myself, especially with how hot it was.  I've not been doing quite as well with the eating healthy part of my goal, but I'm not doing badly, either.  Though I could probably eat less donuts.

My new goal as of today is to be in bed by 11pm every night.  The past few weeks I've been chronically sleep deprived, and I'm sure that's not good for my fertility.

Finn has been intermittently sleep deprived the past few weeks, as well.  We're still walking to put him to sleep every night, but suddenly it's not been working as consistently as it used to.  It took me awhile, but I finally figured out that it's his naps that are causing a problem.

When Finn was an infant, I didn't have him on a schedule, and I told Nanny M to just let him fall into his own natural schedule.  The problem is, she's on the go with him a lot, and so I don't think she always notices his schedule.  And I think that over the past few months he's officially grown out of the ability to fall asleep when there's a lot of outside stimulation, so that's thrown a wrench into things as well.

I've noticed on the days when he doesn't nap until around noon, he usually will nap a full 2 hours and then be fun in the evening and fall asleep relatively quickly at bedtime.  On the days when he gets sleepy around 1030, he'll nap for about 45 minutes and then wake up.  He'll usually then nap again in the very late afternoon and have to be woken up by Nanny M for dinner.  On those nights he's miserable to be around, and yet won't go to sleep.  Sometimes for hours.

Thursday, after a particularly horrible Wednesday night, I asked Nanny M to start keeping him awake until noon.  That made for a great Thursday, but then on Friday, he didn't fall asleep until almost 2 (they were out). Bedtime wasn't awful, but I did have to walk for almost an hour before he finally fell asleep.  After that I asked her to make sure he goes to sleep by 12:30 - and I think I'm going to have to ask her to have him home for his naps.

I like that he's out and active so much during the day, but I'm also thinking that at his age, it's time to start having more structure to his day.  He's a bright kid, and I'd like to start doing things to stimulate his learning, but I'm at a loss as to what's appropriate for his age.  I also want things for Nanny M to do with him, things that hopefully they'll both enjoy.  Right now they're out doing Nanny M's activities (with the occasional trip to the zoo or something like that thrown in), which is great for her, and fine for him when he was younger, but not exactly the learning environment I think he needs to be exposed to now.  I am so glad that I have someone who loves him to take care of him all day, but I know that if he were in daycare, he'd be getting all this stuff already.  Does anyone have any good suggestions for activities, or resources where I can find them?

CD 1!

In the midst of writing the post that follows below, I got up to use the bathroom and woohooo! After 710 days, AF has finally come to visit!  It's been 3 weeks since Finn last nursed, so really that isn't too long, but I was so afraid that it was going to take 3-4 months to get my period back, so I'm very relieved.  


Yesterday morning I complained to Nanny M that after 3 weeks of walking with Finn almost every single night, and (for the most part) eating healthier, I've actually gained 2.5 pounds, and the pants I was wearing were way too tight.  "Maybe you're bloated," she said, "I'm about to start - maybe we're synching up." She paused for second, "Finn, I'm so sorry."  I'm hopeful that when I weigh in next week I'll see a better number...and that the pimples that have shown up the past few days go away, too.  

And now back to my regularly scheduled post, already in progress:

One of the most difficult parts of my job is taking care of people who don't believe the "Something Bad" will ever happen to them.  Most frequently it's young (20's) kids with type 1 diabetes who don't check their sugars, don't take their insulin and look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them that they could end up on dialysis or blind because of their blood sugars.  I can see it in their smug, defiant little grins that they are thinking, "Oh, but that's never going to happen to ME."

Often it's the pregnant women with gestational diabetes - they're annoyed they have to be seeing me, they really don't want insulin, they're mad they have to watch their diet, they're hormonal and they've read some 15 year old "data" on the internet that suggests gestational diabetes isn't really that bad (data which has since been very strongly refuted). I can cut them some slack when their blood sugars are just marginal, or when they're trying but they just can't get it right, but when their sugars are awful and they still don't give a flying fig - it makes me so angry that at times I've had to get up and walk out of the room to avoid saying, "There are women out their who spend YEARS trying desperately to get pregnant.  They would do anything to have the wonderful gift you are carrying right now, they would do everything in their power to make sure their baby is healthy, and you can't even be bothered to follow your damn diet?"  Again, they look at me and I can see it in their face that they just don't believe it will happen to them.

Maybe none of us ever really believe that the Something Bad will happen.  It's other people's children who get cancer, it's other people who have recurrent miscarriages, it's other people who are infertile, it's other people who have babies with birth defects or chronic health problems, it's other people who have the Something Bad. But not me. Until the Something Bad happens. And the whole world changes.

It's interesting to see that in the ALI community, most of us are aware that none of us are immune to the Something Bad.  And we also are so painfully aware that life just isn't fair, and just because you have had the Something Bad once, doesn't mean you won't get another dose of it again.  And again.

I was thinking on my walk last night with Finn that the Fear of Something Bad is one of the driving factors behind my recent push towards getting healthy.  I'm 41.  I weigh 10 pounds more than I did when I started TTC over 2 years ago (but 5 pounds less than I was at the beginning of my pregnancy with Finn), and when I first started TTC I could run 5 miles, and worked out with a trainer twice week.  During my pregnancy my blood pressure was always just flirting with being too high, and while I passed my glucose tolerance test with flying colors, I had more than one fingerstick blood sugar that was too high.

So I really want to do all that I can to be as healthy as possible when I start TTC #2. And I really hope I can maintain it while TTC, and avoid the emotional eating I was prone to during the whole process the last time.

I've done fairly well so far.  I've gotten at least 3 days a week with more than 10,000 steps for the past three weeks, and with only one exception, I've gotten at least 5,000 steps on all the other days. I'm failing at getting 8 fruits and veggies a day, but I knew that would be hard.  I am getting at least 5-6 servings a day almost every day, though.  The last time I did this, my goal was 5 servings, and I rarely made that many, so I am better than I was in the past. Having lots of fruits and veggies in the house for Finn definitely helps.  Now that CD1 is here, I am officially going back to 1 regular Diet Coke a day. I should probably add getting 8 hours of sleep to my list as well. I've not been doing a very good job with that lately.  It would definitely make it easier to give up the extra Diet Cokes!


I sometimes wonder at how we set ourselves up for such heartbreak by pursuing a family. Many of the Something Bads would never happen to us if we decided not to have children in the first place.

But, oh the joys we would miss out on if we didn't try!

Summer Solstice

View out my kitchen window - minus the bird who
was at the feeder two seconds before I took the picture

Finn and I went for our first evening walk tonight.  We set out a little later than planned - about 8:20, and he happily sipped on his milk and chattered to the passing trees before falling asleep.

Summer solstice.

It was a perfect summer night.  The sun was setting on a hot day, with the smell of gardenias drifting on the breeze and fireflies dancing alongside us.  All that was missing was the summer sounds of cicadas and kids playing.

Do kids really not play outside anymore?  I could understand them all being inside when I was getting home, around 9:15, but at 8:20 there was still plenty of light.  It's the time of day that seems perfect to be outside with friends, hoping Mom will let you stay out just 5 more minutes.

Finn is now sound asleep in his crib and I feel great after my walk.  Only 7700 steps today, but I feel so good now that even if I don't get my 10,000 steps every day I think I'll be happy doing this walk most nights.  It was so much better than a screaming baby for 20 minutes.  It's possible I might even sleep really well tonight.  Though I do love the idea of putting the pedometer on Finn!  I did do our usual bedtime routine before putting him in the stroller, and will take Tiara's suggestion and still have several evenings a week that he goes to sleep in his crib, not on a walk.

A few random things:

Blissful Mama asked a few posts ago about why I wasn't going to TTC while still nursing.  I'm pretty sure the title of my last post answered that question for the most part - it looks like I'm one of the ones who won't have a period until the baby is weaned.  Also, my RE said he was concerned the meds I will be taking wouldn't be as effective if I was still breastfeeding while taking them.

Speaking of breastfeeding - still managing to avoid it.  Yay Finn!

Ann recommended the book Donuts for Nan - about a little girl is told that she can't participate in Donuts for Dad at school because she doesn't have a dad.  I'd never heard of it before, but I'm going to order it.  There aren't many good books out there for kids of single parents, so I wanted to be sure everyone saw that recommendation!  I'm definitely ordering it tonight.

Finally, thank you for all the thoughtful comments on my post about AnonymousUs.org and the "study" about how how donor conceived children are unhappy.  While those of us who have children via ADI are certainly biased as well, your comments made it clear that our bias comes from our own careful research and personal experience, not from a nebulous idea that something is inherently bad or good.

CD 693*

Morning playtime on the front porch

This week my office started a 10,000 steps a day challenge. We all got pedometers, and our goal is really to get 10,000 steps at least 3 days a week. Everyone who makes 3 days of 10,000 in at least one week gets to keep their pedometers. Everyone who makes 3 days of 10,000 steps for the whole 6 weeks gets a prize. And I want the prize! (Not that I have any idea what it is - I just want it!) The trouble is - I'm not sure how to get the exercise in.

Yesterday between work and home I barely made 4000 steps. Today I went for a 30 minute walk after work and so far have 6000 steps today. I would have gone further, but Finn fell asleep and I hate for him to have a nap so close to bedtime, so I came home.  That time right after work is the easiest for me to get my walking in, but I know it'll always end up with Finn falling asleep, and then he's a bear to get to bed later.

I'm thinking I have two choices. One is to wait until it's Finn's bedtime to go for our walk, at around 8, and then load him and a sippy cup of milk in the stroller and take off. He'll fall asleep on the walk, I can walk for an entire hour and get home and put him to bed, and still have a few hours to myself. The drawback of that is that I would be changing his bedtime routine, and might find it hard when the weather's bad to be able to get him to sleep. Not that it's easy to get him to sleep these days anyway.


The other choice is to get up an hour early and go for a walk. The drawback of that is I'd have to get up an hour early. And I'm not sure even the incentive of a prize and bragging rights is enough to get me to do that.


Any thoughts?


In other news, Finn hasn't nursed since Saturday night.  He actually didn't nurse on Friday - he went to sleep at 8:30 and woke up at 5:30.  I brought him to bed with me then, and he was happy just to cuddle.  He's since woken up every night between 1-3 wanting to eat.  The first night he was so miserable, he looked up at me with his sad, wet eyes and I gave in.  I let him nurse for a few minutes, then made him stop and got him a bottle.  He's woken up and wanted a bottle every night since. Wait, that's not right.  He's wanted to nurse, but was hungry enough to take a bottle every night.  Nanny M's grandmother suggested giving him a bottle of water to get him weaned off the nighttime bottles - because he really is big enough to go the night without eating now.  So I'm going to start putting a little water in with the milk, and gradually increase the water and decrease the milk.  So maybe in a few weeks I won't be up with a baby for an hour in the middle of the night.  Those of you who have had to give your newborns bottles instead of being able to breastfeed - I have a whole new level of respect for you!

I don't yet feel like I can say he's truly weaned - he's not nursed since Saturday and I'm not engorged, but my breasts are still bigger than usual, and I probably could express some milk if I tried.  And he still tries to nurse.  We're almost there!

*CD 693 - yep, that's how long it's been since I've had a period. I think I might have ovulated last week - it's been so long I can't be sure.  I guess I'll know for sure if AF comes to visit next week.

The First Day of Thankful!

Sarah over at Sarah Fain Has Starfish Envy has a wonderful idea for this week – a Week of Thankful. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, and I love the idea of a whole week of giving thanks, so I’m totally stealing her idea.

I’m going to start the week with something pretty simple. I’m thankful for exercise. Yes, exercise. It’s one thing that I can do for me that makes me feel good, is free, and is good for me. I might not have the best body, and I probably will never get rid of my muffin top, but I can control my fitness level, and that makes me feel wonderful. Right now, exercise is the only thing allowing me to eat whatever I want to while keeping gestational diabetes at bay, so I’m doubly thankful!

I wish I could go for a run tomorrow morning, because I always feel so great after I do, but even a brisk walk outside on a cool fall morning can be heavenly. And so I’m thankful that I can go for that walk every day. And I’m even thankful for the high blood sugars that inspired me to get back on track with daily exercise again!

(Again stealing from Sarah) - feel free to jump in on any of these posts and share what you're thankful for.  Or better yet, do your own thankful post.  :)