#MicroblogMondays - Family Dinner

Ever since we've been in our new house, we've had dinner at the kitchen counter.  It's great for convenience as I clean up after dinner and Finn takes an hour to finish eating.  But now that Zachary is getting older (but not yet old enough to sit at the counter with us), it feels like he's being left out of family dinner, even though his high chair is right next to us.  And for some reason, sitting next to each other seems to make it easier to not talk as much, and for my wandering eyes to catch sight of my phone and be tempted into checking my email. While we're eating at the same time, it just doesn't feel like family dinner.

So today, I decided to have dinner at our dining room table.  Finn and I cooked dinner together; he cracked the eggs and scrambled them while I chopped tomatoes and heated up the skillet.  Then he and Zachary shared a stool to watch as I sauteed the garlic, then the tomatoes and then the spinach (wish I could have gotten a picture of that, but there was no way I was leaving the two of them next to the open flames for even a second!), and supervised as I poured the eggs on top.

I then had just enough time to fix everyone's fruit and drinks before the frittata was done, all the while dealing with a fussy toddler who wanted to be held, but then got mad when I picked him up.

Then we all sat down together to eat as a family. Finn declared the dinner delicious. Zachary tried hard to use his fork. Finn and Zach "talked" to each other as we ate, and Finn talked more to me than usual when he realized that Zach was paying attention. I was really surprised at how much fun it was for all of us.  There are going to be days where it's just not practical, or that I'll need to move them back to the kitchen to finish up while I clean up, but we're definitely going to do it more often.

Though hopefully next time it won't end with Zachary spilling Finn's very full glass of milk all over the floor and then slipping in it.

Closing a Chapter

I went out of town for work on Friday and didn't get home until after the boys were asleep last night. At bedtime tonight, I had a moment's hesitation as I made Zachary's bottle. Was I really prepared to give him a bottle instead of offering him the breast?  Was I really going to do this?

I reminded myself that he probably hasn't been getting much as it is; I'm back to wearing my pre-pregnancy bras, Thursday night AF decided to come back for a visit after a very welcome 2 year absence, and (most telling) after two nights of not breast feeding, I'm feeling not even the slightest hint of discomfort.

And so I gave him his bottle and then held him close to me for a few minutes after he'd finished, and sobbed the entire time.  Zachary didn't seem to notice, and certainly didn't ask to nurse. Though he did pat my back when I held him to me before putting him in his crib, which made me cry even more.

I'm not sad because I loved nursing so much - instead it's just the fact that this is the end of a chapter in our lives.  And endings always make me sad.  Especially an ending like this.  Because if I were married, I wouldn't be ending this chapter just yet.  I've always wanted a big family and always imagined having 3 or 4 kids, if not more. As a single mom, I'm not sure I even really truly want 3 kids, but I keep thinking of my embryo in storage. I look at Zachary and think about that embryo and wonder if it's possible that embryo could be a kid that's as spectacular as he is, and then feel the ache of not knowing this child, too.  

I know that two kids is all I can realistically handle on my own.  I can't imagine how on earth I'd handle the demands of 3 young children and my job. I'm not sure where I'd put a third child in my house.  And looking forward, I have plans to travel with the boys when they're older.  And that would be just about impossible, both logistically and financially.

And so this day, the end of breastfeeding my younger child, is also when I am facing the reality that our family is complete, and that there will be no more pregnancies, no more snuggly newborns and no more lazy nursing sessions with a fuzzy headed little body.

It's also the day I get my body back.

And it's also the day I wrote a check to my clinic for another year's storage for my remaining little embryo.

Apparently I can't quite let go.  Not just yet.

Time to Get Healthy

For the past 5+ years I've been preparing to get pregnant, actively trying to get pregnant, pregnant or nursing.  Come to think of it, my initial consult with my RE was 6 years ago next month. So almost 6 years.  In all likelihood, in one week I will stop nursing Zachary, and that part of my life will be closed.  I'll no longer worry how the food and drink I'm consuming are affecting my egg quality/growing fetus/nursing baby.  I'll no longer have to stop and question every supplement, medication or vitamin that I take.  I'll no longer have TTC, pregnancy and nursing to blame for my expanded waistline - and since Zachary is over a year old, I can't even really use the "I just had a baby excuse."

I've been trying to watch my diet for the past month or so, and I've added in some exercise, and managed to lose 10 pounds (which is the most I've ever lost in that amount of time, ever.  I really was eating pretty horribly).  But I've been stuck at 10 pounds, and I'm forced to admit that as much as I really want to lose weight, I'm not feeling as motivated as I did when I first started.  And then there's the Easter Candy.  I really have no self control around malted milk eggs and Peeps.

I've also come to realize what a huge role sleep plays in my overall sense of well being.  I had several months of really good sleep after night-weaning Zachary, but the past 2-3 weeks have been all out of kilter, with illnesses, teething and work stress.  I'm probably not as tired as I was 4 months ago, but I'm close.  And so I've been more short-tempered with the boys, less motivated at work and hungrier for junk food.  I know my lack of sleep is directly sabotaging my efforts to lose weight.

But here's the thing.  I want to lose weight so I can feel better about how I look, that's true.  But what's really most important is that I need to lose weight so I can be healthier.  I need to exercise so I can be healthier.  I need to eat more nutritious foods so I can be healthier. Because it's not just me anymore. I have two young sons, and I'm 43 years old.  I had gestational diabetes.  I have a family history of heart disease.  And I'm now seeing women my age who are very sick with chronic medical problems they brought upon themselves by not taking care of their bodies. And I realize that they could be me.  I could be them.

I owe it to my kids to be as healthy as I can.  When Finn is my age, I'll be 83.  I want to be alive then and in reasonably good health, able to enjoy my grandkids and not be a burden to my children.  Of course, there's nothing I can do to guarantee that, but there's definitely a lot I can do (or not do) to make it unlikely.

So perhaps it's time for me to start focusing on the truly important reasons why I need to healthy, and why I need to exercise regularly, and why I need to cut down on my sweets (not cut them out, just cut them down!)  Looking better in my clothes will be a nice side benefit, but somehow I think it'll be easier to do the right thing when I focus on my future with my boys instead of my waistline.

I'm holding myself accountable and pledging to check in here next month, before Finn's birthday, and report on how successful I've been.  I think I'll base my success on how many days I reach my health goals (2 servings of fruit a day and 3+ servings of vegetables), how many days of the week I exercised or met my steps goal, and lastly by how much weight I lose.

First step - go to bed early tonight, right after I make my lunch for tomorrow!

14 Months

Somehow, my Zachary is 14 months old today.

He continues to be a big kid - he's wearing clothes now that Finn wore when he was two, and he weighs about 5 pounds less than Finn does now.  This kid loves to eat - I keep waiting for the typical toddler decrease in appetite to hit, but it hasn't yet.  I'm trying to make sure he gets plenty of vegetables with each meal to help fill him up because really, he just can't need that much food! He's chunky, but he is really tall, too, so it does balance out.

He's still nursing at bedtime (and holy cow, nursing a toddler is different than nursing a baby!) though I'm not too sure how much he's actually getting.  I'm going out of town without the kids again next weekend for work, and will be gone two nights.  I've gone two nights without nursing before and had absolutely no discomfort, so I'm thinking this time I might try not nursing him when I get back and see how he - ok, we - do with it.

While he and Finn can make each other laugh hysterically, he is so different from Finn.  He's very physical - he started walking 3 months earlier than Finn did, he loves to climb and has no fear.  We went to a party in the park last weekend for Easter, and Zachary was happy to run off into the crowd without me, something Finn would never have done at that age.

He is so quick with a smile and a laugh, and he still loves to give hugs and snuggles.  Recently he's discovered the little rocking chair on the back porch, and is frequently content to sit and rock, just taking it all in.

He's starting to figure out how things work and where things go.  He puts his dirty diapers in the Diaper Genie and his dirty clothes in the hamper with no prompting.  It's his job to close the baby gate at the top of the stairs when we come upstairs, and he never forgets.  He can go into the pantry and get a baby food pouch when he's hungry, and knows when alarm beeps in the morning it means Nanny M has arrived.

One thing he's not doing is talking.  At this age Finn had 15 words.  Zachary has none.  His receptive language is good, and getting better all the time, and he can follow simple commands. For a few weeks he was signing "more" but then he stopped.  I was trying to get him to sign more when he clearly wanted more food the other night and he refused.  He finally gave in and signed "please" but hasn't done even that since.  He is very vocal, and is incredibly conversational with his babbling, but the only sound he makes that is consistent is something that sounds like "TA-do" that I think is thank you, as he says it whenever someone gives him something.

I know all kids develop on different schedules, so I'm not overly worried, but I do want to make sure I'm doing everything I can to promote his language development.  I've taken to naming things as he points to them, and trying to keep my sentences short and simple when I talk to him.  I think I'll continue with the signing - if I'm consistent with it, he may pick it back up again.

It's funny, how much simpler this age seems now than it did when it was just me and Finn.  My relationship with Finn now has so much more dimension to it, is so much more complex than my relationship with him at 14 months, or with Zachary now.  Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying watching Zachary grow, and quite honestly, the simplicity of his needs and our relationship is a wonderful balance to my relationship with Finn.

I get to wake up Big Brother!