Our Tomorrows

A little less than a month ago, Oberon at "B is for Baby" wrote a post about how she realized she and her daughter Elsie needed to reconnect, and so she rented a car and they spent the day together in the woods.  Just a few weeks later, Oberon unexpectedly died in her sleep.

I have known Oberon (Bethany in real life) only online, both here and on FB.  But when I read the news a few days before Thanksgiving, I felt as though I had been punched in the gut.  She was an amazing person, a wonderful mom and a great friend, and the thought of her Elsie growing up without her was almost impossible to bear.

And then, of course, my thoughts turned to my own children, and my own life.  Practical thoughts, like would they remember what I'd taught them to do if something happened to me?  Do my friends here have my family's contact information? Does my sister still have the copy of my will that I gave her?

And then.

If I were to die tomorrow, what would my children remember of me?

Would they remember the tired and cranky mom who lost her temper way too often?  Or would they remember the mom that is my true self, but doesn't make an appearance all that much these days - the mom who is funny, fun, silly and who shows them every single day that they are loved with my whole heart and soul, unconditionally and without abandon?

I'm afraid it would be the former.  Oh, they'd know I'd loved them, but it wouldn't be imprinted on their hearts the way it is on mine.  I am not the mom I want to be.

But.

I have been given* an amazing opportunity.  In one week I will be reducing my work hours from full time to 75%.  In about 2 months, I will be moving my office to a location that is 30 minutes closer to home.  These changes are going to give me 2 more extra hours every single day.  My paycheck will go down a little, but I've paid off a few big bills lately, and that will balance things out.

And most importantly, I'll have two more hours every day.  10 extra hours a week.  I am so hopeful that this extra time will allow me to get more rest, feel less stressed and have more quality time with my children every day.  I am also afraid that I am so stuck in my routine, irritation and frustration that not much will change.

It was Bethany's death that made me realize how vitally important it is that I do everything I can to take full advantage of this amazing opportunity, of this chance to very literally hit the reset button on my entire life.

I made the first step this past week and scheduled an appointment with a therapist for the week after Christmas.  I'm making lists of healthy meals/recipes to try, and will go back to weekly meal planning.  I will make sure I take advantage of some of that time to take care of myself with exercise, massage, quiet trips to the grocery store. And I will make sure I'm home early enough most days of the week to spend quality time with the boys so our time together during the week will no longer be a frantic rush from dinner to bedtime.

I have been blessed with a pretty amazing life with two wonderful boys. I owe it to myself, to my boys and to Bethany's memory to be to the best job at living this life as I possibly can. It's time for me to get the most out of every single today we have left together, as tomorrow is promised to no one.

Bethany will be missed by those of us who loved her for her posts about her life with Elsie, by her friends, by her family, and most of all by her daughter.  My heart aches for Elsie, and for Bethany who would have been so sad to know she wouldn't be there to watch Elsie grow up.

Hug your children a little tighter tonight, my friends.  Sending love to all of you.

 







*By given, I mean I asked for it, and eventually got it.  Turns out it's true - the only way to get what you want is to go after it.

A (mostly) Non Political Post About the Election

I took Finn with me to vote yesterday.  As we stood in line he told me about his day, told me he thought I should be president, asked who I voted for the last election and was generally silly.

When we got to the voting booth, I pointed out to him all the people we were voting for.  "Here we're voting for president."   "Here we're voting for Bella's daddy" (our neighbor who was running for Congress).  And then when I finished my selections, I turned to him and said, "If HRC wins the election today, she will be the first woman president, ever."

His eyes got really big.  "Ever?"

"Ever.  Before now, every president of this country has been a man."

"Oh, I hope she wins!"

Later, as he leaned out the window to talk to me while I filled the gas tank, he said, "So tell me more about the presidents.  Have they really only been boys?"

"Yes," I said.  "And before this president, President Obama, they had all been white men.  He's the first black man to be president."

He looked down at his skin.  "So every other president has been a boy, with skin the color of mine? And not brown like Aunt Uche or Aunt Lisa or Madison?"  He looked at me in disbelief.  "That's just weird."

***

This morning, I was so sad to break the news to him that our next president was not going to be a woman, that she did not win.  "The mean guy won? How did that happen???" he asked.  And then he said, "Mommy, when I get older, I promise I will only vote for nice people.  No, I promise I will only vote for whoever you think I should vote for!"

I thought about this for a few minutes, and remembered all the contentious political arguments I've had with my parents over the years.  "You know what?  You may change your mind as you get older. You might decide that you see the world differently than I do, that you don't agree with me on who to vote for.  So I'm going to make you a different promise.  I promise that no matter how much our opinions matter, I will always listen to you with respect.  I will allow you to share your thoughts and feelings with me, and ask only thoughtful questions in response.  I promise I will never make you feel bad because you and I don't agree on who to vote for."

Finn stuck out his hand, "That sounds like a great idea, Mom.  I promise, too."

And then I made him another promise - the promise that as a family we are going to do all we can to make the world a better place.  To show love and compassion to those who are different from us, for those who need help, for those who are suffering.  And we're also going to work to make sure that everyone who gets elected two years from now and 4 years from now feel the same way.

Kindergarten!

I absolutely cannot believe that I have a kindergartner.

Finn picked out his first day of school outfit

Finn's school has a staggered start, so last week he went to school Tuesday with only about 1/4 of his class, and then didn't go a again until Friday, when all of his class went.  It made for a weird week, but now that the emotional turmoil caused by the first few days is over (for him and for me!), I'm really ready to get into our routine.

School starts early here, so bedtime has been moved up by an hour.  This has been made worse by our recent transition from crib to toddler bed for Zachary.  About 2 weeks ago he figured out how to get out of his crib on his own, and bedtime and mornings have been difficult ever since.  I switched him to a toddler bed last week, which eventually will make things easier (since he can get back into his bed once he's gotten out), but right now hasn't helped at all.  Bedtimes are going to be rough for at least a few weeks.

Which leads me to Task #2 in my Life Reboot: Creating Routines.

A little background: growing up, my parents did not excel at teaching me be good student, to get projects and homework done on time, to have any kind of routine around my days.  I have vivid memories from elementary school (I'm talking 2nd and 3rd grade here) where I would be doing projects at the last minute, and my parents were so angry at me for waiting until the last minute.  But they were never proactive at helping me NOT wait to the last minute. From an adult perspective, I realize there is no way to expect the average 2nd grade child to know how to budget time - it was their responsibility to help me learn how to do this.

So starting tonight, we're going to have a routine, and we're going to do it every single school night. Finn decided if he wants to bring lunch or buy it.  He picked out his clothes for tomorrow and has them ready to go in the morning.  We went through his binder for school, I signed forms that needed to be signed and it's ready to go in his back pack.  When he wants to bring his lunch, I'll put everything together that I can the night before (we're doing either homemade version of lunchables or a sandwich with a fruit and some veggies).

Since bedtime is earlier, I'm going to have time to exercise most nights after the kids are asleep, and then after that I'll shower, and then have an hour or more to myself before I have to go to bed. (While I've lifted my Facebook ban, I'm spending a LOT less time there than I did before, so hopefully I can stick to that and avoid wasting that hour every night mindlessly scrolling.)

In the morning, I'll get up and get mostly ready before waking up Finn.  I'll help him get ready, and then we'll go downstairs for breakfast.  I really want to drive him to school, but he wants to ride the bus, so we'll then go to the bus stop, and then Zach and I will come home where I'll finish getting ready before the nanny comes.

Finn will get home from school a few hours before I get home from work.  He won't have homework in kindergarten, but I'm going to still make sure he has a routine.  He'll come home, have a snack, and then if the weather is good, he'll go outside to play until I get home.  As he starts to get older, he'll get only an hour to play and then he'll come in for homework. I'm not planning on micromanaging, but I do plan on knowing what homework he has, when it's due and what recurring projects or tests he has, so that I can help him stay on track and learn how to budget time and get things done.  He may still end up being a procrastinator, but I want to do all I can to give him a good solid foundation.

And that foundation starts now, with a routine that we can both count on.  This is so far out of my usual daily existence, but I'm really excited about it.  Fingers crossed I can pull it off!

Can't forget that this guy had his first day of school, too!
Only two half days a week, but still...preschool.

Mom Sets the Mood

Catching Pokemon

It's been two weeks that I've been trying to stay off Facebook.  I haven't been 100% successful - I log on to check something specific and get distracted by something I see there.  I posted a funny Finn story there yesterday because I just had to.  I've liked a few posts...but I've never spent more than 10 minutes there at one time (or really even in a day) in two weeks.

I've been more productive at night, I've been a little less grumpy and I'm not late in the morning (I had no idea how much time I wasted when first waking up every morning).  We'll see how the next two weeks go, but I think I'm going to stick to staying off my phone in the morning, and limiting FB to just short stretches instead of long browsing sessions.

My closet is slow going.  There was the suggestion to hire a professional organizer, which I have considered, but right now I'm going to do it on my own. I did read some articles by professional organizers after that suggestion which has helped me think about where to put things and how to arrange them: putting things you use frequently in places that are easy to get to, and storing things in ways that make it easy to keep them organized. Simple, right?  It would be faster to hire someone, and it would probably give me better results to have professional help, but I don't want to take a huge chunk of time away from the kids to get it done.  So slowly but surely, I'm making progress. Amazingly, after that, the only thing left is the garage, and it's just to darn hot to do that anytime soon.

In the meantime, it's less than a month before Finn starts kindergarten.  We have a few really fun plans for the remainder of the summer, but my number one goal is to start approaching our time together in the evening as time together, and not just a rush to get to bed.  I'm not sure where our evenings went wrong, but I've realized that I try so hard to protect my time with the boys, but then wasted all that effort by turning our evenings into a rushed and unpleasant mess.  Unfortunately, my attempt at an attitude adjustment was met with resistance tonight.  Not because the boys enjoy the rush, but because they've grown accustomed to the rush, they anticipate the power struggles and they're used to grumpiness.

Time to remember that I'm the grown up and it's up to me to set the mood for the family.  If I keep at it, they'll figure it out.



In case you were wondering what my Finn story was:

Today Finnegan informed me that there was no longer a need for a presidential campaign, as he and his friend Cooper have just been elected as the new Presidents of the United States.He even brought home the letter they had written to President Obama, telling him "thanks for all the hard work, but we've got it now."

The Future is No Place to Place Your Better Days

I've written here about how I've struggled with feeling overwhelmed, and how I've struggled to find the joy in every day.  I know a lot of it has to do with the stage of life I'm in right now, with two young children - but they are growing out of the age that is so horribly hard, and yet I'm still trying to find my balance.  I don't want to wake up in 15 years and have two kids getting ready to leave home and wonder why I didn't enjoy their childhood more.

A few months ago I listened to the audio version of Shonda Rhimes' memoir "The Year of Yes" and felt inspired by the renewal and joy she found from her year spent saying Yes to things that scared her.  Then this week I read "Loving My Actual Life" a memoir about the author's 9 month experiment to try to find more joy and meaning in her every day life.  Not as fabulous a read, but still interesting to follow her journey.

Naturally, I'm now thinking about my creating own challenge to help me get myself back on track - to reboot my life.  The thing is, I can't think of changes I'd like to make that fit into neat categories that I can tackle a month at a time.  Likewise, there's no one overarching theme (like saying yes to things that scare me) that I could use to tie it all together.  But there is the constant low level stress and aggravation from the clutter and utter lack of organization in my home - when I think of changes, this is all I can focus on. It's a project I've been working on for months and I've made a dent (including getting my entire downstairs redecorated last month) but there is still so much to do, and I've reached the point where it's going to take a lot more than an hour here and there to get it done.  And I just can't seem to get past the point of writing a list of all I need to do.

I've spent this past week, on my vacation in Florida visiting my parents, thinking about what's been standing in my way of actually putting my plans into action, and it embarrassingly comes down to one thing: Facebook.  I've used it for distraction for years, and since I recently became a member of a physician mommy group on there, it's even worse.  I'm certain I waste hours on it every week, maybe even every day.

Which means that step one in my life reboot is that I'm going to take a break from Facebook for the next month, starting Monday when I'm back to work.  (I will make a small exception for the Facebook group that has been created for the kindergarten families in my neighborhood, but I can set that up with email notifications to limit my time on FB.)

I'm going to use the time I'm off Facebook to devote focused energy at night to home organization and decluttering.  By the end of the month I should have a huge chunk that enormous project done - and I'm hoping once I'm nearing the end of it, I'll have a better idea of what's the next step to help me best enjoy the life I'm living now.

I've decided that I'm very specifically not giving up all social media - not Instagram and not blogs.  Instagram has become my favorite time capsule - I love being able to go back and see my favorite moments from the past few years just by scrolling through my own IG feed, and it only takes up a few minutes of my day to see what everyone I follow is up to. (If you're on IG and I don't follow you, share your user name here so I can add you!)  Plus there's the nice side effect of just feeling good from reading IG, while I've found that lately FB often leaves me angry or annoyed or disgusted with humanity.

I'm not sure if this is going to be a short project or a long term project, but as I mentioned in my last post, it's at least another year before I can cut my hours back at work, and at least two more years of staying in my current job.  I can't wait around for better days, I need to do something different now.

Bullet Update!

As usual, I've been meaning to post for ages, and then time gets away from me - - - which then makes it harder to post, because then I'm so far behind and I can't decide what I want to write about.  So here's a bullet post of all the things that have been going on lately.

• Finn graduated from preschool.  I cried.  His school principal cried. I love his little school so much! 

Cap and gown for preschool graduation! 

His handsome clothes (and blue mouth from the celebratory sno-cone)

• I turned 45.  Yikes. 
• Turns out I don't have some weird, chronic illness making me feel so bad.  It's just plain old sleep deprivation.  Luckily, there's a cure for that! If only there was more time in the day.
• I am a much better mom when I'm not sleep deprived. I have more patience, I'm funnier, my kids like me more and I like them more.  Crazy thing, sleep.
• We went on a family vacation to Lake Tahoe with my parents earlier this month.  It was wonderful - the mountains soothe my soul, and apparently Finn feels the same way, as he wants to move there.

• I still hate my job but love the people.  Often wonder if I'd hate my job if I worked somewhere else (probably, because being in healthcare just sucks these days).  Often wonder if I'd be happier if I lived somewhere I love (I like where I live fine, but I don't love it - I certainly wouldn't chose to live here again if given the chance).  But then I think I have such a great support system here, that perhaps I should just stay.  So I'm giving myself a few years to think about it.  No need to rush, I'll just ruminate on it a while.
• In the vein of loving where you live, I'm finally decorating my downstairs living area.  It's almost done - just waiting on things to be delivered!
• Project Declutter My House is moving along.  I've decided to do one project every couple of nights.  One night it was cleaning out a closet, another it was going through a drawer, another it was sorting kids toys, another emptying a box that was still full from my move.  I still have a long way to go (and I got side tracked with our vacation and haven't gotten back on track yet), but it feels good to be making progress.

5 Years Old

And suddenly, I'm the mom to a 5 year old.  Five.

He chose his outfit for our trip to Build-A-Bear

Five.

This has been a challenging year for both of us, but I'm figuring out how to adapt my parenting style to adapt to his needs, and I think we're finally hitting good solid ground.  One of the reasons I haven't written much lately is because much of what is on my mind is our relationship...and it doesn't feel right to post this on a public forum any longer.

But I can share a few things that Finn loves right now:

• Darth Vader and all things Star Wars
• Special Agent Osso
• Chocolate
• Making a mess (he called me earlier today saying "Mommy! I need a towel!" and before I could respond he added, "I know, again!")
• Cooking
• Helping in the garden
• His brother
• Putting on "shows" for whoever will watch

These first 5 years have been exhausting, terrifying, joyful and wonderful.  I can't wait to see what the next 5 have in store!

A Sad Tail

I was in the middle of interviewing a candidate for a physician's assistant job over lunch when I got the text from the nanny.

"Finn is going to be late for school."

"He slammed the door on Vader's tail."

I responded: "Is Vader ok?"

"Hold on. Um, no. He's going to need the vet. There's exposed bone."

The whole story (which I heard hours later, after I dealt with a plumbing issue that manifested in one of my patients almost getting a load of dirty toilet water from the office upstairs dumped on her head, saw some patients, stood as moral support and official photographer at the birth of a friend's baby and then delivered a 1 hour dinner lecture on diabetes management) was that Finn had been told to close the back door when it was time to leave for school.

"Close the door, Finn!" Finn complied by slamming the door just as the dog was running through.

Nanny M said she could tell something was wrong by the way the dog took off running.  She went to check on him, and when she opened the door, a one inch piece of his tail fell to the ground.  Nanny M got an upset Finn to school, and then took Vader to the vet, where the verdict was surgery.  So the next day, they cut off the exposed bone, sewed it up, and sent Vader home to heal.  And I'm pretty sure Vader is even more convinced that he was a horrible dog in a past life to deserve us as his forever family.

A few days later, I had some friends over and we held a small funeral for Vader's tail.  Finn said a few words, "Vader used to have a longer tail, a nice tail. But now part of it is gone. I will miss it," and then dropped the tail in the hole. I planted a forsythia bush above it, and we stood in a circle around the bush while I said a brief prayer. "Dear God, please help Vader heal well from this tragic accident, and not be in any more pain. Please help Finn to remember to never slam a door. Please let this forsythia bush grow big and healthy, so we can look at the beautiful flowers every spring and remember when Vader's tail was whole." (I might have giggled a bit at that last part.) There was an enthusiastic "Amen!" from all the attendees, and then we headed back inside to eat cupcakes brought by one of my friends who said, "I wasn't sure what to bring to a tail funeral, but I figured you could never go wrong with cupcakes."

The remaining part of Vader's tail has fully healed and he seems to be doing fine.  Though I've noticed that he now refuses to go out a door if Finn is standing anywhere near it.

Keeping it Together

I'm optimistically calling this post Keeping it Together, so I can pretend that I have a little bit of my life together right now.

Amazingly, I felt better after writing my last post, but even more so after reading the responses.  As someone said to me privately, everyone makes parenting look so easy - it's really nice to know I'm not alone in my exhaustion.

At least one person mentioned delayed postpartum depression (it really is a thing) as a possible issue. It has occurred to me.  But I don't know that I meet the criteria for true clinical depression.  I am actually happy a lot, there are many things I still enjoy.  But I do feel discouraged quite often as well, and like I said, lonely.  And my reserves are so terribly low - just a little misbehavior from my children can throw me for a loop. But still...it's on the list of things to talk to my doctor when I see her in a couple of weeks.

I am working on a few ideas to make my daily and weekly routine a little better - I'll share if any of them end up being really helpful! I already pay someone to my clean house, and Nanny M does a lot to help out. She does occasionally walk Vader for me when I've not been able to, but it is actually one chore I mostly enjoy.  It gets me some exercise and I have a little quiet time outside; once I drag myself out of bed I usually am happy I did.  I'm considering hiring someone to help with a few of the projects around the house - but right now just finding someone takes more than I have time to give.

More than anything, I need sleep.  It is amazing how hard it is to get enough, though.  There are so many things I need to do, and so many things I want to do...I have a hard time going to sleep when I have so much stuff I want to get done.  I'm working on it, though.

In 5 short weeks I'm going out of town for 4 nights, by myself, while my parents stay with the boys. It's a work conference, but I'm going to make sure I get lots of sleep, lots of good food and at least a couple of spa treatments.  I suspect that this long weekend might help more than anything else.

We had a family vacation a few weeks ago that was fun and did a lot to help relieve all the tension I've been feeling about work lately, but it's wasn't particularly restful.  If you follow me on Instagram you already saw all our pictures from our cruise, and most importantly, from the Star Wars day.  I was not as rested before the trip as I wanted to be (and on the first night, in the airport hotel, Zachary pooped on the floor and Finn locked us out of the bathroom in the space of 5 minutes...it was not a great start to our trip!) so I don't think I was as patient as I should have been, but the boys had fun. I know we'll do another one...in a few years.

Hard Days

Before kids, I had no idea it was possible to be blissfully happy and absolutely exhausted and miserable at the exact same time. I have (almost) everything I ever wanted: kids, the career I always dreamed of, a nice house, enough money to travel, and I am so very thankful.  There's not a day goes by that I'm not struck at least once by how much I love my boys and how lucky I am to have them.

But this shit is fucking hard.

I am tired, all the time. I'm more grumpy with my kids than I should be.  My neck and shoulders and back hurt constantly, and so even though I'm getting to bed most nights in time to get at least 7 hours of sleep, I never get a good solid sleep because I hurt. And I end up with a 4-5 day migraine at least once a month. I weigh 15 pounds more than I should.  I hate my hair color. Work politics suck, and I'm not doing a good enough job at keeping afloat with the basics of patient care to be able to be as vocal as I want to be about those issues. I frequently forget to pay a bill or return patient messages or friend's phone calls or to wish someone important a happy birthday or to actually let the people who are important to me know that I'm thinking of them with a text or an email or a phone call because oh my gosh I'm just too tired to even try.

I get home at night and have a few hours with my kids with dinner, a little playtime and then it's time to get ready for bed. Once the kids are in bed I have an average of 90 minutes to do everything else I need to do - walk the dog, do laundry, wash dishes, prepare meal plans, pay bills (why can't everyone allow autopay?), reply to emails - and there's never enough time, so the things I want to do - catch up with friends, edit pictures, watch tv, read a book, write a blog entry, comment on blogs - never get done.

Most surprising to me is how lonely I am.  I have really good friends both locally and far away, I have support when I need it, and yet I'm still alone a lot.  And I know I could ease some of that loneliness by reaching out...but then there's that whole pesky exhaustion and lack of time thing getting in the way again.

It's at this point that I'm sure someone out there wants to tell me to stop my whining, adding: "you asked for this!"

I did.  And I'd do it all over again.  But it is hard in ways that I never could have imagined.

And right now, something has to give.  There's a lot in life right now that I can't change.  But I am going to work on taking better care of myself physically.  I made an appointment with my family doctor to get a physical to make sure that there's no unsuspected health issue going on. I am going to call tomorrow to make an appointment for a massage, and then book every other week massages until my neck and shoulder pain is significantly better. I hate taking extra time away from my kids, but this is something I have to do. I made an appointment (for the end of March, the earliest my schedule will allow) to see someone new to fix my hair color - that won't make my body feel any better, but it sure will make me feel better every time I look in the mirror.

I'm also going to make the time to blog more often.  Even if no one is still reading, it feels good to get everything down in writing.  I'll try not to complain quite so much next time.

Happy New Year!

When I was a kid, I always got the post-Christmas blues.  The magic and wonder was over, and it was such a let down.  Especially since it was also time to face a long winter of school and drudgery.

As I got older, the holidays were always just a little sad to begin with.  Each year I'd imagine that next year would be the year I'd finally be in a serious relationship, and then I even let myself imagine that I was just a few years away from having little ones of my own to celebrate with.  And each year I was disappointed.  At least until 6 years ago, that is, when I gave up on finding Mr. Right and took my first dose of Clomid ever on New Year's Eve, and one year after that, when I was finally pregnant with Finn.

I haven't felt any of that let down this year.  I've been chronically exhausted since Thanksgiving, but have had tons of stuff packed into the holidays and managed to get a good amount of shopping and decorating done without losing my mind. We didn't do everything I'd hoped to do, but I am pretty satisfied that this year I made Christmas a memorable and magical one for my boys - not because of the presents, but because of the season itself.

However, this past week I've watched Finn as he struggles with the same post-Christmas funk that I used to always get.  I got him to help me take down our outdoor Christmas lights, and that took the sting out of that.  But he's really resisting taking down Christmas inside.  So tonight, after bed, I got a lot of things put away - most everything that's not the trees, mantle or the Christmas village is safely stowed away. He's going to help me tomorrow - though I think I might give in and leave a few things out for a while if he asks again.

Before heading upstairs to bed tonight, I took one long look at my mantle, lit by just the lights of the Christmas tree.  And I looked at the two stockings hanging there.

"Finnegan" "Zachary"

And out of no where I started to cry. I am so very lucky. And oh my gosh it goes so fast.  If only there were a way to make it all slow down, just a little.  Well, maybe not all of it.  Some of it really sucks.  But the good stuff, the magic stuff, the every day mundane sticky kisses and sly grins - I want to savor that slowly, enjoying every last minute.

Happy 2016!