Amazingly, I felt better after writing my last post, but even more so after reading the responses. As someone said to me privately, everyone makes parenting look so easy - it's really nice to know I'm not alone in my exhaustion.
At least one person mentioned delayed postpartum depression (it really is a thing) as a possible issue. It has occurred to me. But I don't know that I meet the criteria for true clinical depression. I am actually happy a lot, there are many things I still enjoy. But I do feel discouraged quite often as well, and like I said, lonely. And my reserves are so terribly low - just a little misbehavior from my children can throw me for a loop. But still...it's on the list of things to talk to my doctor when I see her in a couple of weeks.
I am working on a few ideas to make my daily and weekly routine a little better - I'll share if any of them end up being really helpful! I already pay someone to my clean house, and Nanny M does a lot to help out. She does occasionally walk Vader for me when I've not been able to, but it is actually one chore I mostly enjoy. It gets me some exercise and I have a little quiet time outside; once I drag myself out of bed I usually am happy I did. I'm considering hiring someone to help with a few of the projects around the house - but right now just finding someone takes more than I have time to give.
More than anything, I need sleep. It is amazing how hard it is to get enough, though. There are so many things I need to do, and so many things I want to do...I have a hard time going to sleep when I have so much stuff I want to get done. I'm working on it, though.
In 5 short weeks I'm going out of town for 4 nights, by myself, while my parents stay with the boys. It's a work conference, but I'm going to make sure I get lots of sleep, lots of good food and at least a couple of spa treatments. I suspect that this long weekend might help more than anything else.
We had a family vacation a few weeks ago that was fun and did a lot to help relieve all the tension I've been feeling about work lately, but it's wasn't particularly restful. If you follow me on Instagram you already saw all our pictures from our cruise, and most importantly, from the Star Wars day. I was not as rested before the trip as I wanted to be (and on the first night, in the airport hotel, Zachary pooped on the floor and Finn locked us out of the bathroom in the space of 5 minutes...it was not a great start to our trip!) so I don't think I was as patient as I should have been, but the boys had fun. I know we'll do another one...in a few years.
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We are in sync yet again. Last week, I wrote a post titled "I thought I had it all Together". In other words... I totally get it. Hang in there. It's what I do every single day.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) This parenting thing is HARD! I'm so glad that you have this blog and that writing things out helps. Good for you for planning a massage and definitely keep up with it. I'm sure it will help.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how I missed that last post of yours until now, but I get it. I've been thinking about this very same thing a lot lately. It isn't just a I-need-a-nap kind of exhaustion, but more of a I-need-the-fog-in-my soul-released kind of exhaustion. We will get there, it just might take some time and adjustments.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you are right about the conference spa weekend! I'm trying the method of making myself go to bed early every 2nd to 3rd day. I'm finding that I can get more done when I'm more rested. Plus, my fatigue can get so bad that I almost fell asleep on a patient the other day!
ReplyDeleteSmall steps & celebrate the successes, no matter how small...that's what I'm learning. And not to be too hard on myself when I'm not as great a parent as I want to be, but just resolve to do better. Enjoy your conference & definitely take the opportunity to pamper yourself
ReplyDeleteGetting very excited to hopefully get to meet you in a few weeks! I was hoping maybe my parents could babysit J and we could go do something fun together, but they'll be out of town that weekend. Maybe we could do something fun with J?? Or I could always pay a babysitter, it's not like I do that too often! Hang in there, and maybe try to compromise on getting things done and getting sleep? Seems like without enough (or even close to enough) sleep, you wouldn't be as productive anyway. Just a thought! Thinking of you. :)
ReplyDeleteI feel really guilty for taking up some of your precious time recently...! So sorry. Perhaps there's some disturbance in the force currently? I too am relating to your recent posts. I'm not coping well with my many stressors. (It didnt help that the week I lost the pregnancy I got locked out of my house and then had my car wrecked in an accident! We are fine, but car shopping was not a welcome addition to my overwhelmed and under-financed life!). I have become a mother who screams at the best thing in my life. I hate myself for it, but I have no reserves, no patience and I'm beginning to think an anger management problem. I am frequently ashamed of my behaviour. I sound like a really awful person don't I? I don't think you sound depressed by the way. Just a busy lady stretched too thin. I am letting go of some of my governance roles, and currently doing no clinical medicine...its helping me unload some stress but adds a layer of career angst into the mix. Anyway, I am also thinking of you and hoping life goes more smoothly for a while. If I were your GP I'd get you to prioritise sleep and leave the dishes...but I get that it's not quite that simple. Good luck! Rx
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