Wordless Wednesday

Happy Halloween!

Wallowing

Yesterday was a bad day.  It was made so much better by my friends, especially the friends who commented on my blog, sent messages or texts yesterday and today.  Thank you.

I talked to a dear friend (Kyrah) last night and - while I'm not happy about it - I've come to peace with the fact that there's going to be a delay.  Many of you suggested going up to the clinic today or Monday, but I know it wouldn't work.  If my cycle had started on any day but a Friday, I could have called the andrology lab coordinator and worked something out. She's the one who makes the rules, and no one can break them but her.  But at this point it's just too late. I don't want to start stims on CD4, and that's what would happen.  It just doesn't feel right.

Kyrah is a psychic.  Not the "let me tell you your fortune" kind, she does energy healing and spiritual counseling.  I worked with her before I got pregnant with Finn (and one day I'll blog about it, if anyone is interested), and am convinced that the work I did with her is part of what helped me get pregnant.  So when I emailed her that this last cycle didn't work, she called me almost immediately.  We talked.  She listened, and she looked, and she told me that she thought a month off would be good for my fertility, but two months off would be even better.  And while I don't like it, I believe it.  It feels like the right thing.  Much more right that forcing the issue this cycle, or trying birth control pills to allow me to cycle the following month.  Those just feel wrong.

Yes, it's true.  I'm the scientist who wants cold hard facts to guide me in clinical practice, but then I completely contradict myself by going with my gut (and working with an energy healer, which some may think is crazy, but I know she's the real deal) both with myself and my patients.  When I listen to my gut, even when it contradicts science, I'm almost always right.  So I'm going with it.  Even if I don't want to.

I'm formulating a plan for myself for the next two months.  A plan to get my body and my life ready to welcome a second baby.  But not today.

Today I'm wallowing.  As much as the mom of a 17 month old can wallow, anyway.  For a day of wallowing, it was a pretty decent day.  Even if I did feel like I was about to cry the entire time.

Finn's last swim lesson was today.  We've been going for 5 months, and the current group of babies and parents are just wonderful.  I'm really going to miss it, but the drive was too much to continue, and it was taking up too much of our day every Saturday.  To celebrate our last day, the teacher let the babies go down the slide, which is not technically part of his age group's class.  Finn LOVED it.  He still isn't a fan of going underwater for swimming (though he will now hold his breath 4 seconds while he does it).  But the slide?  He slid down and I let him go all the way under the water.  He came up shuddering and sputtering while signing "more", ready to go again.  It was hilarious!

Our usual routine has been to then go to Panera for breakfast, then do our week's worth of shopping at Target.  That then puts him right at nap time, and he falls asleep on the way home.  I got to Panera today, ordered, and then realized that my wallet wasn't in my purse.  Of all the dumbass things to do.  I didn't want to go home right then, because I knew Finn would fall asleep way too early if we did.  So we ended up meeting up with my sister, her boys and my mom at WalMart, then we went to a little fall festival at the boys' daycare.  Finn had a great time, and then fell asleep almost as soon as we got in the car.

I had plans for his nap time, but when we got home, I crawled into bed, too, and slept until he woke up, over 2 hours later.  We went on a walk after lunch, and I took his fall pictures.  Last year I had visions of getting a picture of him outside in his Halloween costume, but never did it.  So this year I was sure to do it.  After pictures we played for a while, then made it to Target, then out for dinner.  I splurged and had lots of chocolate chip cookies for dessert.  Then I cried the whole way home.

The wallowing is almost done.  Maybe another day.  I need to grieve the loss of the pregnancy that wasn't.  And then I can move on.

Roar!

Swimmers On Board!

My new lucky socks

As of about 8:45 this morning, I'm PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) once again!  I waited for no more than 5 minutes in the waiting room at my RE's office before being called back by MA, one of the nurses I've known forever.  In no time I was undressed and in the stirrups.  I was told my cervical mucous was beautiful (it's possible I blushed) and the catheter slipped in and then 22.8 million swimmers were set loose to do their job.

Last night I (finally) did a little research on estradiol levels and Femara, and found some very reassuring information.  Bear with me for a little science talk.  Femara is an aromatase inhibitor, and works to prevent estradiol production.  When estradiol levels fall, the pituitary is stimulated by GnRH to make more FSH, which then stimulates the growth of follicles.  So estradiol levels are suppressed to get more FSH, which makes it sound like estradiol levels would be expected to be low in an Femara cycle.  I found lots of anectdotal evidence to support this, then found a study that confirms it.

The study was designed to look at women who were undergoing egg retrieval before starting chemo for breast cancer.  The study had the women treated with Femara and then a gonadotropin (injectables) compared to women treated with just gonadotropins alone.  The end results were similar fertilization rates and number of embryos obtained, but significantly lower estradiol levels in the Femara group: mean +/- sd 483.4 +/- 278.9 vs. 1464.6 +/- 644.9 pg/ml; P < 0.001.

So we're talking estradiol levels of roughly 480 in the Femara group vs 1460 in the non-Femara group with very similar outcomes in an IVF cycle.  That, plus the fact that my estradiol was 250 the cycle with Finn makes me feel MUCH better about my chances this cycle.  I just hope the timing was right - I was a little late with the trigger shot thanks to trying to get Finn to sleep...my good CM and easy IUI make me think the timing was fine, but of course I have to have something to worry about.

We celebrated by meeting my sister and her boys at a local farm for some pumpkin picking before lunch. We picked out the perfect pumpkins in the pumpkin field, then went for a hayride and saw some pigs, chickens and horses.  The boys had fun - and Finn really enjoyed spending time with his cousins.

And now the two week wait begins again!  

10/11/12

Finn was conceived on 8/9/10...how great would it have been if I could have had my IUI today and then actually gotten pregnant today?  Alas, I'm only CD9, so no IUI for me.  I do have a monitoring appointment tomorrow morning, and will hopefully find out if my IUI is going to be on Sunday or Monday, as anticipated.  I'm definitely feeling the stretch in my ovaries, but still feeling anxious about tomorrow's possible results.  And finding it hard to believe how quickly the time between two week waits goes, while the two week wait itself seems to last for months.  How is that possible?

One of the best things about blogging is being able to complain about something and get commiserating comments in response.  I was at my wit's end the other night, and while I did feel better after just writing it all down, I felt even better with every comment that was made.  So thanks.

We've been gearing up for Halloween around here.  I've decorated the front porch, and have a ghost to add to it, as Finn is currently in love with ghosts.  He can't tell you what a monkey or a horse says, but does know what a ghost says. (That's not my yard or my ghosts - it's one of my neighbors.  And I'm going to have to steal their ghosts.)

Yesterday he and Nanny M carved a pumpkin, and tomorrow they're going to a pumpkin patch (a trip he'll be repeating with me in the next week or so!)  He also loves pumpkins these days (but to be fair, he'll kiss anything you ask him to...including my Gonal-F pen.  Yes, I asked my baby to kiss my fertility medication.  Is that weird?)

As of today, he only has one Halloween costume.  He does have 4 (or is it 5) Halloween themed t-shirts though.  I can't help myself.