Wallowing

Yesterday was a bad day.  It was made so much better by my friends, especially the friends who commented on my blog, sent messages or texts yesterday and today.  Thank you.

I talked to a dear friend (Kyrah) last night and - while I'm not happy about it - I've come to peace with the fact that there's going to be a delay.  Many of you suggested going up to the clinic today or Monday, but I know it wouldn't work.  If my cycle had started on any day but a Friday, I could have called the andrology lab coordinator and worked something out. She's the one who makes the rules, and no one can break them but her.  But at this point it's just too late. I don't want to start stims on CD4, and that's what would happen.  It just doesn't feel right.

Kyrah is a psychic.  Not the "let me tell you your fortune" kind, she does energy healing and spiritual counseling.  I worked with her before I got pregnant with Finn (and one day I'll blog about it, if anyone is interested), and am convinced that the work I did with her is part of what helped me get pregnant.  So when I emailed her that this last cycle didn't work, she called me almost immediately.  We talked.  She listened, and she looked, and she told me that she thought a month off would be good for my fertility, but two months off would be even better.  And while I don't like it, I believe it.  It feels like the right thing.  Much more right that forcing the issue this cycle, or trying birth control pills to allow me to cycle the following month.  Those just feel wrong.

Yes, it's true.  I'm the scientist who wants cold hard facts to guide me in clinical practice, but then I completely contradict myself by going with my gut (and working with an energy healer, which some may think is crazy, but I know she's the real deal) both with myself and my patients.  When I listen to my gut, even when it contradicts science, I'm almost always right.  So I'm going with it.  Even if I don't want to.

I'm formulating a plan for myself for the next two months.  A plan to get my body and my life ready to welcome a second baby.  But not today.

Today I'm wallowing.  As much as the mom of a 17 month old can wallow, anyway.  For a day of wallowing, it was a pretty decent day.  Even if I did feel like I was about to cry the entire time.

Finn's last swim lesson was today.  We've been going for 5 months, and the current group of babies and parents are just wonderful.  I'm really going to miss it, but the drive was too much to continue, and it was taking up too much of our day every Saturday.  To celebrate our last day, the teacher let the babies go down the slide, which is not technically part of his age group's class.  Finn LOVED it.  He still isn't a fan of going underwater for swimming (though he will now hold his breath 4 seconds while he does it).  But the slide?  He slid down and I let him go all the way under the water.  He came up shuddering and sputtering while signing "more", ready to go again.  It was hilarious!

Our usual routine has been to then go to Panera for breakfast, then do our week's worth of shopping at Target.  That then puts him right at nap time, and he falls asleep on the way home.  I got to Panera today, ordered, and then realized that my wallet wasn't in my purse.  Of all the dumbass things to do.  I didn't want to go home right then, because I knew Finn would fall asleep way too early if we did.  So we ended up meeting up with my sister, her boys and my mom at WalMart, then we went to a little fall festival at the boys' daycare.  Finn had a great time, and then fell asleep almost as soon as we got in the car.

I had plans for his nap time, but when we got home, I crawled into bed, too, and slept until he woke up, over 2 hours later.  We went on a walk after lunch, and I took his fall pictures.  Last year I had visions of getting a picture of him outside in his Halloween costume, but never did it.  So this year I was sure to do it.  After pictures we played for a while, then made it to Target, then out for dinner.  I splurged and had lots of chocolate chip cookies for dessert.  Then I cried the whole way home.

The wallowing is almost done.  Maybe another day.  I need to grieve the loss of the pregnancy that wasn't.  And then I can move on.

Roar!