And then the day got worse...

After I posted about my BFN this morning I went upstairs to get ready for the day, but found myself unable to do anything but sit on the floor and stare at the wall.  I didn't cry, I just felt numb.  Then Finn woke up and I got back in the bed, "Give me a hug, Finn, I've had a sad morning."  He wrapped his little arms around me and that's when I cried.  I cried for myself.  And I cried for those who are still trying for Baby #1, who don't have little arms to comfort them.

One of the wonderfully crazy things about TTC is that when a BFN comes along, you have a few minutes to grieve, and then it's time to start looking at the next cycle.  As soon as I got in my car at 8:30, I called my RE and left the following message (after giving all my vital stats), "I'm 12dpIUI and got a negative pregnancy test this morning followed by starting my period, so even though it's early, I'd say this cycle is a bust.  Our plan had been to try 2 IUIs and then regroup, but because of my schedule at the end of November/early December, I was wondering if Dr. M would be ok with me doing one more IUI cycle and then going from there.  If that's ok, then I need my meds called in, thanks!"

I managed to act cheerful at work.  My eyes burned with the need to have a good cry, but I was able to hide it fairly well.  All the messages coming in on my blog helped.  Tremendously.  But by 2:45 I still hadn't heard anything from my RE, so I called again, because their voice mail message clearly says that any calls after 3 won't be returned until the next business day.  I told them I was calling for the second time, and reiterated my same message.  At 4:30 I still hadn't heard back, so I called the front desk, and they got one of the nurses on the phone.  It took her a minute to find my file and then she said, "Oh, we still had 6 people to call back before you.  What can I help you with?"

Really?  First, I called at 8:30.  THAT many women had called before me that at 4:30 there were still 6 ahead of me?  Second, did they not listen to my message at all?

So I again re-explained myself.  She then said, "Well, we have orders for 3 cycles, so we can go ahead and get you set up to come in on Monday.  Do you have a specimen here?"

And of course I didn't.  I had two vials left after Finn, and we'd just used up those two vials.  And that's when it all went to hell.

"Oh, well you can't try this month.  We don't allow anyone to start their cycle if they don't have donor sperm onsite.  It's for your protection.  What if you took all those meds and went to all that expense and then something happened to the specimen and you couldn't get your IUI?"

I couldn't speak, because I was too busy crying.  I shocked myself with the ugly cry on the phone, standing outside, with patients waiting for me in my office.  The one thing that had kept me going all day was the hope of starting meds again next week.  I was shocked and devastated to learn that wasn't going to happen.

I do understand the logic behind their policy.  BUT, how often do you hear of a specimen going bad like that?  Compare that with how often someone gets a BFN and has to start all over again.  If a woman wanted to buy a single specimen at a time (which is more expensive, since the shipping is the same no matter how many vials you buy, but cheaper if you only end up needing one), she'd have to take every other month off.

The RE's office I go to is the best of the two in town as far as success rates.  This isn't based on the self reported data that is posted online, but based on my own informal polling of OBs, other patients and former employees of both clinics.  But today's experience has left me feeling very disappointed in the clinic and the care I received from them.  Disappointed and quite honestly, disgusted.

To make matters worse, I am going to be out of town the 4 day weekend of Thanksgiving, three days the following weekend, and then Thursday-Sunday the weekend after that.  So unless my next period comes exactly 28-30 days from now, I won't be able to try next month, either.

I know that it's not the end of the world.  When TTC, there are always roadblocks along the way, unexpected delays, and it's not uncommon for someone to have to take a month off here or there.  But the two months is what's throwing me.

So decided to try to make the best of it, and in between my tears, I made an appointment with Dr. M for 11/19.  If I have to take a month or two off, at least I can go ahead and meet with him so I can hit the ground running when I can get started again.

In a few days I'll regroup.  I'll be able to look forward.  But right now my head hurts, my heart aches, my eyes burn and I'm just deflated.