I have known Oberon (Bethany in real life) only online, both here and on FB. But when I read the news a few days before Thanksgiving, I felt as though I had been punched in the gut. She was an amazing person, a wonderful mom and a great friend, and the thought of her Elsie growing up without her was almost impossible to bear.
And then, of course, my thoughts turned to my own children, and my own life. Practical thoughts, like would they remember what I'd taught them to do if something happened to me? Do my friends here have my family's contact information? Does my sister still have the copy of my will that I gave her?
And then.
If I were to die tomorrow, what would my children remember of me?
Would they remember the tired and cranky mom who lost her temper way too often? Or would they remember the mom that is my true self, but doesn't make an appearance all that much these days - the mom who is funny, fun, silly and who shows them every single day that they are loved with my whole heart and soul, unconditionally and without abandon?
I'm afraid it would be the former. Oh, they'd know I'd loved them, but it wouldn't be imprinted on their hearts the way it is on mine. I am not the mom I want to be.
But.
I have been given* an amazing opportunity. In one week I will be reducing my work hours from full time to 75%. In about 2 months, I will be moving my office to a location that is 30 minutes closer to home. These changes are going to give me 2 more extra hours every single day. My paycheck will go down a little, but I've paid off a few big bills lately, and that will balance things out.
And most importantly, I'll have two more hours every day. 10 extra hours a week. I am so hopeful that this extra time will allow me to get more rest, feel less stressed and have more quality time with my children every day. I am also afraid that I am so stuck in my routine, irritation and frustration that not much will change.
It was Bethany's death that made me realize how vitally important it is that I do everything I can to take full advantage of this amazing opportunity, of this chance to very literally hit the reset button on my entire life.
I made the first step this past week and scheduled an appointment with a therapist for the week after Christmas. I'm making lists of healthy meals/recipes to try, and will go back to weekly meal planning. I will make sure I take advantage of some of that time to take care of myself with exercise, massage, quiet trips to the grocery store. And I will make sure I'm home early enough most days of the week to spend quality time with the boys so our time together during the week will no longer be a frantic rush from dinner to bedtime.
I have been blessed with a pretty amazing life with two wonderful boys. I owe it to myself, to my boys and to Bethany's memory to be to the best job at living this life as I possibly can. It's time for me to get the most out of every single today we have left together, as tomorrow is promised to no one.
Bethany will be missed by those of us who loved her for her posts about her life with Elsie, by her friends, by her family, and most of all by her daughter. My heart aches for Elsie, and for Bethany who would have been so sad to know she wouldn't be there to watch Elsie grow up.
Hug your children a little tighter tonight, my friends. Sending love to all of you.
*By given, I mean I asked for it, and eventually got it. Turns out it's true - the only way to get what you want is to go after it.
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Oh my god, I had no idea. I read her blog and had noticed she hadn't updated in some time but figured it was the busyness of the holiday season. My heart is just breaking for both Bethany and Elsie. I obviously never met her in person but what a kind, decent person and such a good parent to her sweet daughter. I can't believe it.
ReplyDeleteShannon,
ReplyDeleteI'm stunned and so saddened to read of Oberon/Bethany's passing. I know we all fear such a turn of events. Just devastating. I am so glad for you that you've created this bit of "margin" in your life to be able to be more present with you beautiful boys. Even if you only really do it 3 more days a week, that's still an amazing difference! Good luck and I hope you'll keep us posted as to how the transition goes.
I am having a difficult time processing Bethany's death. It is just so very sad and I cannot stop thinking about Elsie and how hard this must be on her.
ReplyDeleteBeth's last post made me pause and rethink the busyness of life and how important it is to connect. I agree that the best way we can honor her memory is to appreciate every single day we have with our kids and to not take anything for granted. I hope the extra hours you will now have give you the time to truly enjoy and connect with the boys.
The upcoming change in your schedule is a true gift. That's my biggest wish - to find a way to cut work hours, but there's just no way I can figure it out. Luckily, my job is very flexible and my boss wholeheartedly agrees that family is more important than work.
ReplyDeleteI think about Bethany and Elsie every day. My heart just breaks for them. I can't even make myself think "what if" with my girls, because they have no where good to go should I die. This stuff - shouldering 100% of the financial obligation, logistical needs, and worries of raising children, is the very real downside to being a solo parent.
I still have no words about Bethany and Elsie. I, too, think about them every day. I haven't been able to put my thoughts into words yet.
ReplyDeleteI think it's amazing that you were able to adjust your schedule. Good for you for advocating for yourself and your boys. That's amazing. Bethany would be so pleased.
Also, for all that it's good to have goals... practice forgiveness, too. We don't have to be perfect all the time for our children to feel loved. I read a article that said that as long as we do a good job 2/3 of the time, our kids will be securely attached. Even children of abusive, addicted parents love their parents. Not that that's the goal that we strive for, of course, but evolution has designed children to be tolerant of their parents' imperfections.
That said, I got frustrated all the time with my less than stellar parenting, and get annoyed with myself. I just keep trying. And apologizing.
I admire your self-awareness and the actions you're taking to lower your stress and continue to grow. I think it says a LOT that you think about these things and care; so many parents don't care nearly as much, I'm afraid. Interested to hear how things unfold for you in the coming month or two; sending care.
ReplyDeleteThis post got me. I've been worried about my upcoming surgery and everyone says don't worry, but I am always worried about what would happen to L. My family is going through a lot right now and mortality is always on my mind. This post reminds me not to stress about the dirty house or lunatic dog, but just enjoy the time we are together. So sorry to hear about Bethany.
ReplyDeleteHaving followed Bethany's blog for years I, too, was shocked to learn of her death. My thoughts over the last few weeks keep returning to her and Elsie.
ReplyDeleteAs for your change in work schedule, I think it's great that you will get extra hours during the week to spend with your boys, as well as some extra time for yourself. It sounds like a good plan to me!