Let it Go

A few months ago I read a post by another single mom where she was feeling badly about how she'd lost her temper with her kids (something I think all moms can relate to!) and was struck by a comment someone made to her post.  "You single moms are so hard on yourselves."

I've thought a lot about that since then, and wondered if the commenter was right, and if it applied to me, too.

And I've come to the conclusion that I am too hard on myself. I think it stems from wanting children so badly, and thinking and planning for years and years to get to this point - I feel like with all the prep time, and how badly I wanted to be a mom, that I should be the perfect mom all the time.  My biggest life dream has come true - I should be singing "Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down" to my children when they're difficult, making every job a game, and being oh, so patient when they're displaying unwanted (yet age appropriate) behavior.

Instead, I lose my patience with my toddler and have to work really hard to avoid a swat on the butt or using a bunch of swear words...and sometimes as I'm doing it I realize that what he's doing isn't all that bad, I'm just out of patience.  I get irritated with my grunting and squeaking little newborn and have to leave the room for a few minutes to calm down.  I yell at my cat for meowing too loudly and too frequently.  I snap at my parents for being - well - themselves.  And then I feel guilty about it for hours after.

I'm definitely not winning any parenting awards these days.  But I also don't think I'm doing an awful job, either.  I know that if I were getting 8 hours of sleep every night, everything would be much easier.  I also know that feeling guilty about my shortcomings as a mom, especially when I'm so hormonal or sleep deprived, is not helping and probably making things worse.  So I'm going to give myself a break.  I'm going to try to be patient, and try to smile more, and dance more and laugh more, but I'm not going to allow myself to feel guilty if I fall short.

(written in March 2014 and accidentally saved in my drafts folder until March 2015...I decided I wanted to keep this, so I went ahead and published it)