My TTC Story

I wish I could say that I handled my efforts at TTC with grace and calm serenity.  But that couldn’t be further from the truth.   Trying to conceive turned me into a crazy, moody, unpleasant bitch.  I ate too much, slept too much, didn’t exercise enough, and obsessed about every single symptom during my two week wait.  I was devastated by my first two BFNs, especially since both of them occurred in the form of AF visiting days before she was due. 

My first BFN was discovered when I went to the bathroom to cry after I had to fire my nurse.  She was a sweet girl, but she couldn’t do the job and patients were being placed in harm’s way because of missed messages, so we had to fire her.  I talked to her about why we were having to fire her, feeling like I’d just kicked a puppy as I watched her cry, and then went to the bathroom for privacy while I cried myself.  And then wished I hadn’t decided to go ahead and pee while I was there. 

I’d convinced myself that I was pregnant after my second IUI, and so getting AF two days after coming home from a friend’s baby shower was devastating.  Even more disappointing was the realization that I was going to have to take the next month off, because a very dear friend of mine was having her baby shower out of town, and I had to be there for that.  I’ll never regret going to her shower, but I was miserable most of the weekend, thinking that I was ovulating that weekend, and it was all going to waste.   The misery was eased a little when Heidi got a text from her friend V, who I’d met at a party a few night’s earlier, offering to be my Baby Daddy.  He even offered to fly home with me, since I was pretty sure I was ovulating right around then, saying we could join the mile high club and get me pregnant, all at the same time. 

I know I talked about trying to get pregnant all the time.  Trying to get pregnant, and my fear that I would never be able to get pregnant were all consuming.  I’m amazed that anyone wanted to spend time with me, the miserable, obsessive, moody, crazy woman that I was. 

The one benefit of taking the month off was that I had time to meet with my RE to discuss a change in game plan.  I’d had a luteal phase defect on both of my Clomid 50mg cycles, and I only produced one follicle with each cycle, so I was ready to talk about doing something different.  He offered me the chance to go straight to IVF, but encouraged me to first try two hybrid cycle with Femara and Gonal-F.  He thought it had a good chance of working, but also thought my response would also help guide medication doses with IVF if the hybrid cycle didn’t work. 

I thought the compromise sounded reasonable, so I agreed.  On Femara 5mg and Gonal-F 75, I had two follicles.  Better than with Clomid, but not particularly impressive.  So halfway through my two week wait, I decided that if this cycle didn’t work, I was going to IVF.  I was also given Crinone, just to be on the safe side, so this time AF didn’t come early.  I managed to wait to POAS until 12dpIUI, and then I caved.  It was negative.

The next night I cried myself to sleep, and then dreaded getting up to POAS the next morning, 14dpIUI.  I was shocked when, 30 seconds after taking the test, I glanced over and saw there was only one word on the screen:  pregnant.  I was still sitting on the toilet when I called LB, Heidi and my sister to tell them the news!

You all know how things went from there.  A couple of good betas, a 7 week ultrasound that was questionable, and a 9 week ultrasound that showed no heartbeat.  Such a crazy four months of wildly variable emotions – worry and anxiety, followed by joy and worry, followed by despair.  It’s no wonder I sometimes forget much of the first part of 2010 ever happened.

The weird thing is, I didn’t experience all those crazy negative emotions with IUI #4.  I thought about it a lot, but I was pretty sure, in a way I hadn’t been before, that I was pregnant.  I was convinced from the second I was standing at the elevator after my IUI, talking to my RE, and felt the first twinges of ovulation pain that this one had worked.  I didn’t tell anyone except Heidi how sure I was, because I was afraid of looking like a fool if I was wrong.  But here I am, 26 weeks pregnant, so this time my instinct was right!

In hindsight, I realize just how easy it was for me.  I was told that I had impaired fertility – diminished ovarian reserve.  And yet I managed to conceive on 2 out of 4 cycles.  The miscarriage was horrible, that’s true, but repeated failed attempts at trying to conceive is pretty horrible, too.  I don’t think it’s possible to say that either is worse than the other, but I’m pretty sure my calm attitude going into IUI #4 was mostly because it was the first time I went into an IUI knowing that my body did know how to get pregnant.  I’d started CoEnzyme Q10 in an attempt to decrease the risk of chromosomal abnormalities (using this study protocol, which came about after studies in “elderly” mice showed decreased risk of chromosomal defects in embryos of mice given CoQ10), and that made me feel better, too. 

At any rate, I know how lucky I am right now.  There’s not a day that goes by (not even an hour) that I don’t marvel in the miracle of being pregnant, and I will never, ever take this baby for granted.  And I really hope that my neurotic behavior while TTC is something I never have to deal with again!