In the Beginning

Me standing in Ngorongoro Crater

Welcome IComLeavWe'rs!  As you can see by my profile, I’m a 39 year old single mom by choice, currently 25 weeks pregnant after 4 IUIs and1 miscarriage.  Most of my bloggy friends are other SMCs, or women on the road to becoming SMCs, but I’ve randomly found other non-SMC blogs that I enjoy following, which led me to decide to sign up for ICLW this month so I could find some more.

I started this blog less than a week after my miscarriage in May. It initially started as a blog about loss and grief, then turned into a TTC blog, and now it’s become a pregnancy blog.  The one unifying theme throughout all these entries is the fact that I’m doing this as a single woman, and I try to remember to talk about that aspect of things as I write, though it can be surprisingly hard to remember to cover those feelings while writing about ultrasounds and IUIs! 

Because of when I started this blog, I never really covered much of anything that came before my miscarriage.  So I’ve decided to take this week to write about things like how I decided to pursue this path, choosing a donor, and talking a little about my first few IUIs when facing the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve. 

Welcome, and I’m looking forward to reading your stories, as well!

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The first time I can remember consciously deciding I was considering the SMC route was about 9 years ago, when I was a medicine resident, sitting in the ICU with a sick patient, chatting with Dr. C, one of the nephrology attendings.  She was also single, and I’m guessing she was not much older than I am now.  I’m not sure exactly how the subject came up, but I remember saying to her, “I thinking of adopting if I’m still single by the time I’m in my late 30s.”  Dr. C said, “I always thought the same thing, but I just never did it, and I guess it’s too late now.”  That was one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard, and then and there I vowed I would never let myself get to the point where I felt like it was too late to pursue my dreams.

But then suddenly I was 36, with no husband, no boyfriend and no baby.  I had dated – I tried a couple of online dating sites (and went on a lot of dates), joined clubs, took photography classes, traveled the world and accepted every blind date that was offered to me, with no success.  I know that many of my friends think I should have done more with the online dating, but I really hated it, and while I tried several times to make myself sign up for one of the sites one more time, I just couldn’t do it.  But I also couldn’t commit myself to going further with adoption, even though I still really wanted to be a mom. And it was then that I realized that I really wanted the chance to be pregnant, and my plans changed. 

I talked to my Gyn at my next appointment with her, and she was full of advice and information, since she herself had twins through IUI with an anonymous donor.  Armed with the names a couple of sperm banks, I started googling, and discovered the online world of SMCs.  I also told my parents, who were surprisingly supportive and excited, and my sister, who promptly asked if she could be my birthing coach when the time came.  I also told my closest friends, who encouraged me to go forward with my plans, and to hurry up already!

I had to put things off a bit, though.  I was still hopeful I would meet Mr. Right, and thought I probably had more time to wait before my eggs really started to age.  I also had some traveling to do.  I love to travel, and I just wasn’t ready to give that up in favor of being a mom.  My plan was to make it to all seven continents before trying to conceive, which would have led to me having my first IUI this past fall, after I turned 39. 

My visit to the RE accelerated those plans a little, and led to me knocking Australia off the list of travel destinations so I could start TTC in January of 2010 instead.  I think that part of the story deserves another entry, though, so I’ll stop writing for now, and start reading some new-to-me blogs!