Rambling Sort of Update

I have not been a good blogger lately.

The truth is, I'm struggling with a lot of things lately.  Not that I'm unhappy, not at all.  It's just that I'm struggling to find a way to coordinate all the various parts of my life that need coordinating.  It's the things that are needed to make our home work: the bills that for some reason can't be automated, random chores that pop up, trying to stay on top of the person who is trying to sell my condo for me, and groceries.  Oh, and the projects.  Oh the projects.  I have so many things I want to do with my house, and not enough time (or money) for any of them. And then the things I need to do for me: staying in touch with friends, editing my photographs, finding new recipes for dinner, and exercise. But central to all of it is taking care of my boys.

It's still a challenge, raising these two, but both of them are a little easier than they were last year.  I don't expect this phase to last, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

So I'm devoting their waking hours when we are together to making sure we have fun and that they learn about the world and how make their way in it, while we make good memories together. While keeping my cool as much as possible and living the peaceful parenting life (holy smokes, that shit is hard). And I'm trying to find a way to balance everything else with that.

I know I have to prioritize, but it's hard when everything feels like it needs to be done right now and yet I never make the time to actually decide what to do first.  And so that's what this blog post is, me working through my thoughts.

After those things that must absolutely be done (bills, etc), I want to make a little more time to stay in touch with my friends. But I've realized over the past few weeks that what I most need to do right now is to get my house in better order.  A couple of weeks ago, I swept and scrubbed my screened-in porch, put out my new outdoor furniture, bought a fern and a outdoor rug and transformed a slightly junky space into a comfortable and inviting living space.  Combined with the landscaping I had done last summer, my backyard is now the only part of my house that is close to the way I want it. When I spend time out there, I feel content. The few minutes or hours I spend out there each day feeds my soul. It's not just the flowers and the sound of the water and all the birds flocking to our feeders, it's the fact that it's a beautiful space and it's OUR beautiful space, that we made as a family. I know that my house doesn't have to be perfect for me to feel that way indoors, but I would like it to be a little more put together (notice I didn't say neat - I'm not expecting that anytime soon!)  I can't afford to do all that I want to, but I can get organized.  I started with my closet - I got rid of everything that is out of fashion, worn out, never worn, too big, too small or too ugly.  When I was done, I was left with a very small selection of things I can wear now, things I can wear in the winter, and things I love that I may be able to wear if I lose another 10 pounds.

It's amazing how much less stressed I feel when picking out clothes.  And how much less stressed I feel when walking in my closet.  It's a neat little oasis in the disaster that is the rest of my house.

My parents are here for the next week, and I'm going to try to use them being here this weekend to get things done that I can't with Zachary underfoot - mainly cleaning out my garage and the storage closet upstairs.  (When I moved in last year, a lot of things just got shoved where they would fit. I imagine I don't actually need most of those things.)

So that's my goal for the summer - to get all the junk in my house sorted, organized, put into use or donated to someone who can use it.  I think it really will take me all summer. But then I can start the fall with an organized house, and maybe I can then find the energy to tackle some of my other projects.

As for this blog...I'm feeling my way around that.  As Finn gets older, I feel more of a responsibility to protect his privacy.  And yet I still feel like I belong here, that I have a story to tell that belongs here. I just need to find the time to tell it. So please don't give up on me as I figure out how to fit this into the rest of the craziness that is my life these days.

It's a beautiful craziness - more wonderful and hectic and terrifying than I ever imagined it could be. And to think - it just gets better from here.