At some point he started complaining that his back hurt - possibly from lying on his water bottle? Maybe from one of the 100 times I slid him back into the bed? I have no idea. I rubbed it, looked to make sure there wasn't something in his pjs sticking him, and then because he kept saying it hurt, I rocked him. For 30 minutes. And he still wouldn't fall asleep. And so I put him back in the bed. Then he started getting out of bed saying his hand hurt, and his finger hurt, and his leg hurt and wanting a kiss and a hug.
It's now 2 hours that we've been trying to go to sleep. I haven't cleaned the litter box. I haven't made dinner for tomorrow. I haven't washed the dishes. I haven't done any of my work. Board review? Ha.
I love my child more than anything in life but this is making me insane.
If I wasn't planning on having another baby, I'd be happy with a 1 hour bedtime. If I didn't have 57 unfinished charts and 217 unseen labs, I'd be happy continuing to rock him to sleep. If I didn't have boards coming up, I'd even consider just going to bed right now with him in my bed with me. But all those things are happening, and even a one hour bedtime is just TOO long (and by one hour, I mean one hour to fall asleep once we've done all the getting ready for bed rituals).
Rocking him to sleep was taking an hour for him to fall asleep. With not rocking to bed it's taking 2-3 hours for him to fall asleep. It's been over a week and it's worse, not better. And now he's upstairs crying so hard he's about to make himself throw up, and I'm down here writing a blog post because I just can't do anything else right now.
I don't know what to do. Except that I have to upstairs now, he's crying too hard for me to continue to leave him up there.
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I feel for you both - and i think I understand what it's like to have loads of stuff that has to get done and no time or and no energy, and what it's like not to be able to get to sleep!
ReplyDeletebedtime training is HELL. My thoughts are with you friend…I have no tips because I had the same story and I repressed how I got through it except it just eventually got better. hope it gets better soon--you're doing everything right!
ReplyDeleteOh jeez, the bedtime stuff is SO hard. We have been through all of this (I am an SMC and my daughter is 2). My resentment about not having my evenings to myself was starting to have a serious effect on my mental health and I knew something had to change. My number #1 thing to suggest is whether it might be time for him to give up naps (if he is still napping)? By the time my daughter was 18 months old, if she napped at all, we would have an evening like you described here -- several hours of her hacking around, while I seethed, until she collapsed at 11 p.m. or later. Replacing her naps with quiet TV time for an hour in the afternoon (if you are okay with TV) has made ALL the difference. Nine nights out of ten, she is sound asleep by 7:15.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing I should say/admit, is that my daughter is still in bed with me. I don't mind it, we both sleep well, and I simply haven't been willing to fight the "big girl bed" fight yet. I have the fantasy that, once she is old enough to understand a reward system, we will make the transition. I think I'm remembering that Finn used to sleep with you so, if going back there would address any of these issues, maybe you go for self-preservation and forget trying to get him in his own bed?
EEK, sorry so long, but hope this helps!
Oh shoot, sorry, just realized you addressed why you don't want to put him in bed with you. Disregard that -- but I stand by the nap suggestion!
ReplyDeleteOh boy, I hear you, sister! This sleep stuff is such a minefield. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI'd set up the crib again. Have you read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child? You might consider it. I highly recommend it. My 22 month old naps (2x a day) and goes to sleep at 7 without a peep. My 12 year old goes to sleep by 8 or 8:30. I couldn't do what you're doing and don't have half that much on my plate.
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ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to have him crying instead of sleeping and being out of ideas for getting him to calm down and drift off, especially when you have so many other things to get done. I wish I had some advice but I don't, I just hope that bedtime for Finn will start to get easier instead of harder. :(
ReplyDeleteOh hon I'm so sorry. These are the worst times. Listen, what does your gut tell you to do? If it tells you to damn well let him sleep in your bed till he's four...well...then that's what you do. It's ok. Every situation is so different, you do what you can to get by.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Val's suggestions! Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child is a great book. I would try to shorten your before bedtime ritual, and keep it at exactly the same time every night, then it's sleep time - be FIRM and DO NOT go back in (you'll have to confine him with crib or baby gate on bedroom door)! The horrendous crying should only last a few nights. Not that I have this stuff mastered - neither of my kids are perfect in the going to sleep/staying asleep arena - but I'd absolutely be insane going through what you are. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteOK and let me just add, as you seem to know, you have GOT to get this solved before becoming pregnant and having an infant. Serious Shannon - being pregnant and then having a newborn along with a toddler is REALLY freaking hard. Throw in working FT at a tough job, well, even though your heart may say you want to rock him for an hour or let him bedshare til he's four - well, kudos to you if you can do that. There was NO WAY IN HELL I could have made that work.
ReplyDeleteThat's no good. I put a time limit on our bedtime routine and we have special situations for when J can sleep in my bed now. Otherwise I'd never get any sleep and I work nights so...I would fall over dead. On nights when he's in his bed, we do everything he could ask for to stall (water, potty), I give him the layout and keep reminding him of what's next and how much longer. Once its up, we hug and kiss, the gate goes up and the only thing I do is call out to him every once in a while so he knows I'm there. Sleep is an option right now cause I'm not trying to fight him to sleep, it will happen, but staying in his area alone is not. My thoughts are that short of a full blown fit or a harmful situation, he can work it out even if it takes cuddling a toy or talking till he's out.
ReplyDeleteIf I could I would rock J constantly too but can you really keep it up? Physically connect in other ways too so a shorter cuddle isn't a loss for you both to cut it all short. He'll adjust.
I feel for you. I know the time between when Annelise goes to bed and I do is like gold. Without it I can't function.
ReplyDeleteI always hesitate to give out sleep training advice because sleep is my job. I feel like I should have some great words of wisdom and I really don't because every child and situation is different. And I also was lucky to have a great sleeper and while I don't know what she'll do when she's in a bed she can get out of, so far I haven't had any issues with her going to sleep.
The couple of suggestions I do have are if it is possible consider putting him back in his crib until he is better at putting himself to sleep. Having him "confined" will limit some of the stimulation (getting up out of bed and leaving the room) that is contributing to delayed sleep onset. Establish a bed time and stick to it. The first thing I ask parents bringing their child in for a sleep study because they don't sleep (snoring is another issue) is "when's bedtime?" If the answer is something along the lines of "it varies" I feel like saying "save your money, you don't need a sleep study, you need a bedtime." Unless he is sleeping longer than 12 hours at night I wouldn't do away with day time naps. Maybe for a couple of days only to help move his bedtime earlier, but if he still needs a nap let him have it. Depriving him of that will affect his night time sleep and not necessarily in a positive way. I would pick a bed time that works for both of you (Annelise goes down at 7), create a short bedtime routine (I kept ours to less than 15 minutes - pjs, drink, brush teeth, 1 book, then bed). He's going to cry, and only you can determine at what point and how to intervene. I've never been good at CIO, but one thing that might help is knowing that his crying isn't out of pain or of something being wrong, but rather the only way he knows how to express his frustration and also his exhaustion.
Good luck, hope you both get some good sleep soon.
I just want to send you a virtual hug (and no advice or personal stories). I really feel for you! I hope you find a solution soon for both of your sakes!!
ReplyDeleteOh I feel for you. I have been exactly where you are...heck I am exactly where you are! I wonder if Finn may be in a growth spurt? Him complaining about his hurts could be more than just a delay tactic. I know this contributed to one of Elena's recent sleep strikes, she was just so sore & achy but since she doesn't talk yet, couldn't tell me, at least in a way I'd understand. After figuring it out, a few night of advil made a difference & lo & behold she has grown some!!
ReplyDeleteI am also phasing out naps (if only my mom would co-operate) & getting her to bed earlier. I hate having less time with her after work & feel so rushed but without a nap, she goes to bed peacfully, we've even gone back to rocking & the last 2 nights she's slept for over 12 hours...like she's making up her sleep at night.
I don't agree about going back to the crib, moving backward & all, but getting a gate for his door may be an idea to try. It sort of worked for Elena in that she HATED it so much that just the threat of getting it will often settle her down. Even yesterday she saw it in the laundry room & shook her finger at it & (in her words) said, "No gate".
Hang in there...you're not alone.
We've always been lucky. We didn't co-sleep. Ever since she was an infant, we dumped in the crib and she'd fall asleep on her own. We didn't have very much of a routine. She also was in the crib until she was a little over 3 years old. We were lucky in that she doesn't like to get out of bed, too, but she was always allowed books in bed - I'd stay in bed if I had books in bed, too. She knows I put into bed, read 1-3 books depending on time and choices, and then leave. She gets night lights and music. I've found the music helps because she's programmed to sleep when she hears her music. We've been playing it since she was born.
ReplyDeleteOur issue is feeding time. She once ate lunch and went straight into dinner. It drives me absolutely nuts. I think that's why I wasn't a good nurser. She'd take hours (which is hard when they eat every 2 hours) and I'd get so frustrated and she'd sense it and we'd have our first mother/daughter fights at 3 weeks old. I get stressed just remembering it. And to think most mothers bond during that time. Not me.
I think, from everybody's comments, that a routine and some amount of tough love is what everyone is recommending. There is a strict routine in the book that my co-worker swears by. You can always put the baby gate at his room so he's more confined, too. My nephew used to sleep on the floor of his room until he settled down and stayed in bed. My sister didn't move him in order to keep him asleep.
We are nearly a year behind you so whatever I say may not be applicable to an almost 2 year old... I did sleep training with E at 9months. I can't imagine trying to sleep train a mobile toddler without confinement (a crib). The book I used - Sleep Through The Night - addressed sleep training for older kids, but I skipped those sections. You are welcome to borrow it if you want. I really enjoy bed time but have always felt guilty that I look forward to my time after she goes to sleep (even though it is mostly chores)... reading your post and the comments helps me realize I shouldn't feel guilty about that. I wish you luck!
ReplyDeleteOkay, from what I understand his bedtime stories are in your bed/room. Maybe reading his bedtime stories while he lays in his bed and you sit/lay next to him will help. That way when he gets sleepy he might not be inclined to fight it since he is all snug in his bed. You can still rock him and cuddle, but the more he relaxes as he lays in bed listening to mommy tell him stories might help.
ReplyDeleteAt least, that's what I try to do with my nephew.
Good luck, Shannon!
That sounds so hard!! I know it's opposite what the others said, but I'd back off from sleep training now and go with what was working before. I wouldn't worry about how you're going to manage with 2 children just yet - start with what works for Finn right now, and deal with #2 when you get there. I think we can really drive ourselves nuts sometimes trying to get our kids to do what we think they "should" be doing.
ReplyDeleteHope you get some sleep soon!
I'm so sorry Shannon! When my boys went to toddler beds I went through what you are going through for a few nights. I used a babygate in the door and all the lights are off except a nightlight in their room. One night they fell asleep on the floor but pretty quickly they climbed back into their beds after realizing I wasn't budging and going back in. I agree with Claire - shorten your nighttime routine and keep it consistent. Now we read a story in the playroom, brush teeth, and go to bed. I close their door now instead of the babygate.
ReplyDeleteAs far as naps go, for me, my boys sleep much better on the days that they nap. Some very smart mammas taught me that sleep begets sleep and that has been the case for me but I have heard where cutting naps short or out helps at nighttime. It just has not yet been the case for me.
Good luck. I hope this is a very short phase for you and Finn.
Ugh, this sounds horrible and I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't really have any useful advice since I'm still rocking D to sleep every.single.night (but he is usually asleep within 15-20 minutes). I'm also hoping to have another baby soon and should try sleep training, but I just don't have it in me right now. I'm doing what works for us at the moment, and I'm hoping (as somenoe above mentioned), that once he's older I can reason/bribe him to go to bed on his own. LOL. I guess my gut is telling me that you should do whatever works for you and Finn...whatever it takes to get him to sleep sooner. Do you think if you put him in your bed and he fell asleep there you could move him into his own bed so you could get stuff done? That's what my friends do with their son who is D's age. One of them sits/lays with him in their bed and he usually falls asleep pretty easily. Once he's in a deep sleep, they transfer him to his crib.
ReplyDeleteI hope things improve...sending you lots of hugs!
You remember my post from last week :) Though Tate is almost 2 years older we're in this same predicament.
ReplyDeleteHe takes one nap right? What time and how long? Consider moving it up earlier in the day and setting a finite time. I agree if he's not sleeping more than 12 hours overnight he needs that nap more than likely. (However, Tate has NEVER slept 12 straight, but I came to the realization months ago he does not need 12 hours of ON sleep...so you know Finn best.)
In some book I read or article it said the average kid takes 45-90 minutes to fall asleep (did I write that somewhere else). I think it's very true of older toddlers on up. So I also agree you may need to drastically shorten your bedtime routine (bath books etc....Tate gets 2 books max most nights) and get him going to sleep sooner.
But, is he teething? Isn't he almost 2? He should be starting to get his two year molars in just a few months. Maybe he's a bit early?
And how did he fall asleep for Nanny M on Friday night? Did he give her this song and dance? That will really be your biggest clue here...is this him wanting to be with you? or is he really not tired? When Tate shifted his bedtime from 7 to 730 it took me a week to figure out why we were butting heads. Right around 2 1/2 he just wasn't conking out like he used to right at 7. Once I gave in and let him stay up later playing while I did dishes and made his lunch for the next day life was much easier. So, maybe just shifting everything 30 minutes later will help?
Many hugs because as you well know we're having issues, but I know mine are because he naps at daycare, and I get a reprieve on the weekends. When I don't have Flu A and Flu B :)
I'm closely following your posts on this subject because I see the same struggles in my future. Right now I ask Rowan if she wants to go to bed and she walks right over to the baby gate on the stairs. Unfortunately, her understanding of do you want to go to bed means "yes I want to go and play on mommy's bed. It's fun." If I miss the early sleepy window it is a huge battle to get her to sleep. I have to literally hold her in a spoon position so she will lay still long enough to go to sleep. This, combined with her falling off of the bed the other night, has me seriously considering CIO, again. I think I am kind of waiting until it's warm enough out for me to sit outside while she is screaming but I also know that I have had a reason to start later for 6 months now and I know I just need to do it.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had a magic wand for you (and me)!
Sleep issues are so tough - I feel for you. A great gentle approach by Pinky McKay (lactation/baby expert in Australia) is to try and work out why they are not sleeping. What is the cause of the anxiety? Could it be that he is now dreaming and it is causing anxiety? Nightmares? Is he worried he is missing out on something. Is he feeling insecure? I don't have the answer, but sometimes finding out the trigger can help a lot. Pinky has great advice on her website as well. He sounds over tired right now too - causing more crying and anxiety for you both. it is so tough to be doing this on your own. Not sure if you have sleep schools in the US - but it was a lifesaver for me. You can take them till they are 2 here in Aus. Good luck, and remember you are a great mum - and Finn is not being a problem, he just has a problem he needs his mums help with!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I have no advice to give. I lucked out, but honestly my schedule would not allow for a long routine. I hope you find something that works for you because you need that time to yourself to regroup.
ReplyDeleteOh, Shannon, I *SO* feel for you!! I'm at my wits' end with Jordyn right now, too, in terms of sleep. She's basically decided that sleep shouldn't happen at night time. At all. She may sleep for a couple of hours or so, and then wake up. And the kicker is, she won't go back to sleep. She'll be up for *HOURS* in the middle of the night. The only thing that even kind of works is bringing her into bed with me - and I know that by doing that I'm creating a monster. And when she does sleep, it's restless. I think it could be that she's getting over a cold, it could be teething, and it could be that developmental thing, since I think she's getting close to crawling. Who knows. All I know is I'm so sleep-deprived right now I can't even spell my own name! I feel for you, and wish you the very, very best of luck with getting this all figured out. And when you do, please clue me in!! Hang in there as best as you can right now. This too shall pass, just not quickly enough!
ReplyDeleteDoes he nap during the day? If he does it might be time to take that away so he's tired at night. I know all the books and experts say that kids should be sleeping X number of hours in every 24 hour period but I just don't believe it. Kids are people and just like everyone else their sleep needs might differ from "the norm." When my son was 2 a one hour nap (from noon to 1pm) meant that he was still happily playing at midnight. If he slept for two hours during the day, forget it, there was no sleep for him or mama that night. So by age 2 he didn't have a nap. Yes for a short time during the day he would be cranky but he would usually get a second wind and cheer up after a snack and some downtime (story, cuddles, maybe a video.) Without a day time nap he was exhausted and ready to sleep by 8pm.
ReplyDeleteMy son is 17 now and (like me) just doesn't need much sleep. On average I sleep about 5 hours a night, he sleeps around 6. Not everyone needs (or wants) as much sleep as the "experts" say we need.
sweet Jesus... i'd be reaching for some gin & ginger ale right about now... hoping for a happy, sleeping Finn soon!
ReplyDeleteThese kind of evenings/nights are the worst. They challenge us to the very core of our mommy-beings. I feel your pain. I've been there. I never want to go there again. And yet, I know I will. When it happens, I just hope I don't have as much on plate as you do. You are amazing!
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