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Helping Nanny M with grocery shopping

Friday night I walked off the shuttle bus and into the airport with just my purse and my overnight bag.  As I walked through the doors I marveled at how much easier it was to do this without pushing a stroller while carrying an overloaded backpack, a car seat and dragging a huge suitcase behind me.  I breezed through security and it all felt so familiar: the routine, the noise, the anticipation, all so much like the many other trips I've taken over the years.  I remembered how much I loved this part of my life and for a few minutes my life with Finn seemed like a dream. I miss this - the freedom, the excitement of a trip on my own.  And for a moment, I could almost make myself believe that I'd just imagined having a baby.

And then Nanny M called on FaceTime, and I got to talk to Finn over a margarita and a salad, and reality was restored.  Finn hasn't quite figured out FaceTime, but he did like making faces at me, and giving me kisses.

The flight was delayed and long, but otherwise uneventful; it was after midnight eastern time before I was in bed.  I was expecting a long, deep sleep in my quiet hotel room, but I tossed and turned all night.  I've realized that I do this most nights at home, too, anticipating Finn will be coming to bed with me.  But that's an issue for another day.  I slept horribly until - unfortunately - right before it was time for me to get up. I heard noise in the hallway, and thinking it was around 4 am, thought to look at the clock to know if it was worth trying to go back to sleep.  And it was 7:47.  The conference started at 8.  Somehow I showered and made it downstairs, got breakfast and was seated in the lecture hall by 8:10.  The conference was very well done, and I had no trouble paying attention, and that left me little time to miss Finn.  Nanny M did send me a few pictures at naptime, which made the day a little easier, too.  She assured me that Finn was fine without me, though he did keep asking for Mommy.  The conference was over at 4, and I made it back to the airport in time to get dinner and then was on a plane back home.

The plane bringing me home couldn't fly fast enough, and seemed like it took twice as long to get home as it did to get there.  As I sat on the shuttle bus taking me to my car, I had the realization that this homecoming was so different from all my return trips in the past.  Getting home was always a melancholy experience for me.  A fun trip was behind me, and all I had waiting at home for me was my two sweet, but quiet cats.  It was always on the shuttle bus that I'd start to feel sad and very alone. But this time I had Finn waiting at home for me. I already knew this, but this trip reminded me that while I do miss traveling, and I do miss my alone time, being a mommy more than makes up for the things I've given up.

Finn was sound asleep when I got home, but he came to bed around 3am (while I waited not so patiently, but I'm still hoping he'll eventually sleep through the night in his own bed, so I didn't want to bring him to bed with me before he was ready).  He grinned from ear to ear when he realized it was me in the bed, and then demanded I go get the pacifier he'd left in his bed, sending me off with a cheery "Bye!"  When I came back to bed, he curled up next to me, said, "Snuggle Mommy."  And we both went to sleep.

(Unfortunately, tonight's bedtime wasn't as easy, but again - that's an issue for another day.)