Cue tonight's parenting fail. I came home worn out. Finn had already eaten dinner, and was upstairs with Nanny M getting a bath. I sliced up some sweet potato for my dinner and threw it in the oven to roast, then went upstairs to a little boy who was so happy to see me come home. Nanny M and I visited for a few minutes, then we all came downstairs and I ate dinner while Finn watched Mickey Mouse. He had napped early today, and then spent the afternoon at the pool, so he was exhausted, too.
My first mistake was probably taking too long to go upstairs, and my second was expecting that he was going to be sweet and cuddly and ready to go right to sleep. Instead of sweet and cuddly, he was frustrating and defiant. He wasn't really in a bad mood, he was just overly tired, and EVERYTHING was a fight. He kicked me when brushing his teeth, he screamed for his stuffed Nemo when he was getting his diaper on (for the first of many times), he decided he wanted a snack and instead of asking, he immediately started yelling. I couldn't get him to do anything I wanted him to do - at one point he hit me because I wouldn't let him play with the wet wipes. I put him in time out, and he refused to stay. I needed a minute to calm down just as much as he did, but he wouldn't sit in one spot on the floor. Back and forth - once second he was screaming and fighting me, and the next he was sweet and funny. All I kept thinking was how much worse these evenings were going to be as I got more and more tired over the next few weeks. Of course, most evenings aren't like this, but I wasn't thinking about that. I was envisioning months of misery.
Then I was trying to get his diaper back on after his last potty time before bed. He was wiggling and fighting and hitting and about to bash his head on the door frame. He flipped over with his little bare butt in the air - and I spanked him. Not hard, my hand didn't sting, but hard enough that it made a noise. And Finn immediately stopped fighting me and started crying.
One thing I said I'd never do was spank my child. I'm trying so hard to break him of hitting, and I say over and over again, "We don't hit in this family." And then I hit him. What makes it even worse is that it worked. After he calmed down and stopped crying, we hugged, we both said we were sorry, and he was done fighting me. We had lovely storytime cuddles, he giggled with his favorite tickle book and gave me lots of kisses at bedtime. He got out of bed once because he said he had to poop (he didn't) and after warnings of closing the door if he got out of bed again, he got back in bed and went to sleep, happily snuggling Nemo and Monkey.
I feel so guilty for spanking him, especially since I did it with no conscious thought. I really need to find something else that works as well at getting his attention and snapping him out of bad behavior, because I just don't want to ever spank him again. Any suggestions? As it is, I'm tempted to go upstairs and bring him to bed with me right now, just so I can snuggle with him and make myself feel better for my parenting fail.
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Longtime lurker, rare commenter but wanted to send you hugs. I would consider that a pop rather than spanking and I feel the same way you do about it all. I have rarely done that when my kiddo was in danger (like you said thrashing around and at risk of hitting his head on the door frame) to snap them out of it. Don't be too hard on yourself--you'r edoing a great job!! Congrats on your pregnancy also!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about it! I am on the same page in terms of spanking, but we are all human. I have and will continue to make many mistakes (especially raising my voice) that I feel horrid after things happen. I also share hugs and kisses and apologies with my little one. I don't know that I have anything constructive to offer, other than you are not alone, you are doing great and Finn is a great little guy.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that worked for me and my little one was I would sit with her in a bear hug type of grasp and if need be, wrap my legs around her too and just try to talk to her. Also, if she wasn't in danger of hurting herself, I would just walk away. Our family doctor said that kids hate to be ignored and that also helped.
Anyway - congrats on #2!
I've had lots of parenting fails, and they do feel terrible :-( With Fiona I do as K suggested, I take parent time outs (if ONLY I could get my age-worth of 41 minutes!). If I'm about to break - or have broken - I just say "I need time to calm down" and I immediately disengage and walk away into my bedroom and shut the door. Stops the bad behavior immediately almost every time (no audience, no fun!) and gives me a moment to pull myself together. Of course Finn is younger so he might not be ready for that strategy and it doesn't work if they are in a situation where they could hurt themselves.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the nausea and exhaustion. Sleep every second you can. I feel so bad for you - I was sick through much of my 2nd pregnancy and have never been so physically miserable in my entire life.
I don't think I've taken the opportunity to congratulate you on your BFP!!!!! So... Yay!!!
ReplyDeleteDon't be too hard on yourself. I think every parent (even the nonspankers) have been there. I know I've come close to swatting that bum when it's attempting to wiggle away and she's struggling and whining. I came from a long line of spankers. While talking with my sisters this week I realized I'm the only one who isn't using spanking as a discipline tool. Whenever Annelise has a temper tantrum (so far they haven't been bad so I'm nervous about how I'll handle it when she gets closer to 2) I almost instinctively want to swat her butt. Right now I simply walk away from her. Right now ignoring works but I'm sure at some point she'll think she got her way and I'll have to come up with something else.
I hope the fatigue doesn't get much worse and that your able to get all the sleep you need.
We have all been there so don't be too hard on yourself. You showed Finn that sometimes people make bad choices and that it's important to apologize and make it right. I try to walk away and take a few minutes for us both to calm down, do something unexpected to get his attention in a positive way - declare a dance party, talk like a duck, start singing LOUDLY, flick the lights off and on, sit down and talk to his favorite toy about how you would really like to read a story but you need to wait for Finn to do XYZ first, etc.
ReplyDeletePregnant and dealing with a toddler is zero fun. It's only a few months so do whatever it takes to get through it. If that means a few videos, bribing with candy or extra app time so be it. You can go back to the real rules once you're feeling better.
Oh and I'm with Claire... What I wouldn't give to get my age-worth of time out!
Don't be so hard on yourself, it wasn't a "spanking" in the traditional sense. It was not a punishment and like you said, it didn't really hurt him. It was an attention-getter. I think most of us parents are guilty of the same thing at one point in time or another. On very rare occasions they are just what is needed to snap older 2 toddlers out of whatever naughty loop they seem to be caught up in so you can work with them, just like it helped you reach Finn tonight. I honestly think you did the right thing for the situation you were dealing with. Should it be a habit? No, of course not! Could there have been other ways to deal with him? Sure, but how long would it have taken to reason with an overtired, upset toddler? It sounds like in this case the one quick swat stopped his bad behavior in its tracks, gave you time to reason with him and ultimately time for you two to enjoy each other before bed. I don't think hitting should ever be a habit, and old fashioned spankings should never happen but once in a blue moon I think those attention getting swats really do help.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you! I think the fact that you are taking so much time to analyze one little swat shows what a wonderful mom you really are. I always swore I wouldn't be a spanker, either, but I have certainly wanted to swat my daughter on numerous occasions when she was behaving just as you described Finn tonight. My best technique so far for getting her to settle down is I put her on my lap and use my arms (and leg, if needed) to keep her there. I then totally ignore her until she calms down. I always ask her before I let her go "Are you going to listen to mommy?/not hit?/be good?/etc." I don't let her go until she agrees to be good or stop the bad behavior. And so far she is still honest, so if she's not ready to be good, she admits it! It is our version of time out, and I can use it anywhere - outside restaurants, in the park, etc.
ReplyDeleteAlso...maybe the extra nausea with this pregnancy means it's a girl!!
{{hugs}} It might make you feel better (or at least not alone) if you could have seen me lose my cool yesterday morning. I probably would have resorted to spanking if my son wasn't still a baby. I think it will be a response I will have to fight at times (as a child that was spanked).
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like it was a challenging night and I don't think you should worry about it. The fact that you are so concerned shows how much you care and how seriously you take being a parent.
I hope that the exhaustion and nausea improve and that Finn has better nights in the future.
I am glad you posted this. I was spanked as a child, and I always swore I would *never* do that to my kid. But what you've just described, I've done it more times than I can count. I'm particularly susceptible when J does something that hurts me (hits me, throws something at me). It's never more than one quick swat, and I generally catch myself and step away after it happens. And I always apologize after. But I feel horrible.
ReplyDeleteI am probably not causing any long-term emotional damage, and I still tell myself it's an improvement over my father, who actually believed spanking was good discipline. but I still beat myself up every time I do it, and vow it'll be the last time. It is not easy.
Been there too. I agree with your policy and all the commenters before me. Sending hugs! And hoping for some rest for you too.
ReplyDeleteI was spanked growing up and it caused lifelong issues between me and my mom. She quit "cold turkey" when I was 13; it was the only way she could get it under control otherwise she'd just start wailing on us whenever she was mad about something, for any reason or no reason.
ReplyDeleteI think that's totally different from the little pop you gave Finn. And I think he probably recognized how spur of the moment it was, and how he's pushed it too far.
So far it has been effective for me to walk away from Felix when he's being like that. I hope that continues to work!
hang in there Shannon! this may be a tough ride for a bit. be gentle with yourself as well as with Finn. hoping the nausea and fatigue abate!
ReplyDeleteOh Shannon, I am so sorry you had such a bad night. I've been there with Elena for sure (minus the pregnancy exhaustion of course) & it ripped my guts out but I told her I was sorry & that I was wrong & we both cried. & you know what? I catch myself way sooner before losing my temper like that ever again. Because of the insanely frustrating diaper fights at bed time, Out of sheer survival, we now do something I never wanted to do: Elena watches 1 TV episode (usually Wonder Pets) at bed time because its the only way I can distract her enough to get her diaper & pjs on & have her eat her yogurt. I'm not proud of it but its what works...hope you're able to forgive yourself & know you're most definitely not a failure
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of hugs, and many dittos on the comment that you should cut yourself a break. This is hardly a parenting fail - you're an amazing mother. And I hope Bojangles still does the trick on the nausea. xo
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to repeat the same thing everyone else said. We are all in the same boat and the exhaustion will pass in a couple of weeks as you head into the second trimester. You are an amazing mom. Like Tiara, I also use the TV for diaper changes (we have 24 hr preschool tv here) and there are never any fights. It's not the right thing but it makes diaper changes easy and rarely a struggle. We all do what we have to just to get through the challenges.
ReplyDeleteOh, how I'm not looking forward to toddler-hood!! But like everyone else has already said, you're most certainly NOT a failure as a parent! Try to let it go, if you can, and focus on the fact that Finn was happy and giggling so soon afterwards - he obviously isn't holding it against you!
ReplyDeleteHang in there with the nausea and fatigue. I remember it too well, and hope it lets up quickly for you. (I won't tell you that it's a good sign, and that it'll be better just as soon as the first trimester is over, because that did NOT help me!)
Sorry for the delay, I had guests so I am just catching up. I have read the latest post and know that you already forgave yourself and moved on, but thought I would comment anyway. It sounds to me like you handled it really well, and modelled how to say sorry and acknowledge your mistakes, which is another valuable lesson for Finn. I admire your honesty posting about it on here too. Sounds to me like you are being a great mum as always.
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