Finding Normal

Showing off his battle scars

I woke up at 3am Friday morning, full of the dread that usually hits me in the middle of the night.  Dread and worry for Finn.  Then I realized - his tumor is shrinking.  And the relief I felt then was pretty similar to what I felt when Dr. B told me the news the first time.  Every second of every day since August 12 has been overshadowed by cancer - it was like there was this big, huge, suffocating blanket wrapped around me, muffling the outside world and taking the color out of everything, making it all grey.  I smiled, I laughed, I had fun with Finn, but it was never without the thought of what his cancer was doing.  My house was a mess.  I ate fast food almost every day because the thought of cooking was too much to even consider.  It was hard to find the energy to email friends, or to comment on blogs, and just about impossible for me to call people, even good friends, who'd called to offer their support.  And when I did talk on the phone I'm sure I was a horrible conversationalist.  At times I just couldn't get the words out - I just didn't have the energy.

I'm pretty sure most people understand, though there are a few friends who never called, or called me once and haven't reached out since, friends I would have thought would have made more of an effort.  But I'm sure that some didn't want to be a bother, and others didn't realize that I wasn't calling them back because I didn't want to hear from them, but rather because I just didn't have it in me to call them back.  And I'm sure that one or two didn't call just because they didn't know what to say.  We've all probably been there before.

Now the suffocating blanket has been lifted.  There is color back in the world, and while I still worry, it's not the all encompassing fear that consumed me before the results from his latest MRI.  I can breathe again.  This weekend I cleaned house.  I put away the boxes that had been sitting on the dining room table - boxes I was keeping for Finn's stuff if we had to go back to the hospital.  I transferred outgrown clothes to storage bins, paid bills and sorted through piles of unread mail.  My house is still messy, but it's now manageable.

This week I'm hoping to catch up on my emails (which sadly might take me more than a week to get caught up on - I've gotten some wonderful emails over the past few months!), post more on my favorite discussion board and get all the way caught up on my blog commenting (I've been reading, but not commenting).  I might even make a list of post ideas that have popped into my head the past few months.

By the time November gets here, it's possible I'll finally start to feel like the normal mom of a healthy 5 month old.