Saturday was probably the worst. I felt awful with a headache, nausea and fatigue, Finn refused to nap, and the day ended with an enormous meltdown of epic proportions from Finn. I held it together, stayed calm, and was really proud of how well I controlled my temper while he screamed and yelled and clearly scared even himself. He finally calmed down and allowed me to comfort him, and then put his pjs on so we could have story time. I started to read to him, and to my surprise, I started crying. It took Finn a minute to realize I was crying, and then he turned to me and said, "What's happening to you? What's happening?" I told him I was just tired and sad, and he started kissing my arm, and then turned around so he could kiss my cheek. "It's ok, Mommy. I wuv you."
Then as I was tucking him in to bed a little while later, he reached his hands up to face and said, "You're home, Mommy. You're home."
He's done that a lot lately. He'll just turn to me and say with a huge smile on his face, "You're home, Mommy."
The funny thing is, except for Sunday morning studying, I've been home as much, if not more, than usual over the past few months. But when I've been home, I've not always been present. I've either not felt well, or been preoccupied with studying and all the other crazy things going on right now. I've been overwhelmed, and Finn has definitely noticed.
My boards are over, but there's still a lot going on that has me stressed and distracted. But I need to find a way to keep that stress out of the few hours that Finn and I have together - it's clear that he needs me to do that. We only have a few more months of a being a Mom and Finn family, and I want to savor it.
And while today's stressors will be gone by the time Chimi arrives, life is stressful. Life as a single mom with two kids is going to be stressful. I need to figure out some coping strategies now and figure out how to be fully present when I'm home.
One important part is learning to really take better care of myself. My body let me know this weekend that I've got to get better at that. Today I'm back to eating healthier, and I'm (still) trying to get to sleep by 10pm every night. I've decided to start rationing my time after Finn goes to sleep, which means that I'll have nights that are for work catchup, nights that are for blogging and catching up online, and nights that are for reading or watching TV. Somehow I've got to figure out how to get some exercise in, but for now I'll stick with walks with Finn and work from there.
I know I'm not the only single mom (or married mom for that matter) who struggles with this. How do you destress and take care of yourself? What do you do to be fully present when you're home with your kids? I'd love to hear what others do.
I feel in a strange sense of limbo right now, as life will change drastically once Chimi is here, and then I'll be on maternity leave for 3 months, and all will change when I go back to work in the late spring. But I think I need to build a better foundation now, if nothing else to make the next 4 months a lot more enjoyable for both of us.
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Finn's comment made me think of a little plaque right across from my front door: Take a deep breath. You're home now." Try to enjoy being home and take good care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteAs much as Saturday sucked, I bet that moment when Finn kissed your cheek and said "It's ok, Mommy. I wuv you" made it much, much better. It would have for me.
ReplyDeleteMy motto is, "Life's Too Short". I also like "Carpe Diem". So I try not to stress over the "little" stuff that really doesn't matter much in the end. Like cleaning up the clutter. So what if the house is cluttered? If it means that I spent more time playing with Jordyn and watching tv after she went to sleep to chill out and get my "me time" in, so be it. It makes me a happier, and therefore better, mom.
I can't speak to the taking care of yourself piece. I'm not, and never have been, an exerciser. I've tried, many, many times. Joined many a gym. Decided I'll run. Walk. Do yoga. Bicycle (even bought myself one a few years ago). Jazzercise. You name it. Nothing has ever stuck, because I don't like anything enough to stick to it. At this point, I give up on formal exercise, it's just not my thing, as much as it should be. I'm active with Jordyn - we take walks, play on playgrounds, etc. And I chase her around the house, and we have a million stairs in ours, so that helps.
Good luck figuring out a self-care system that works for you. I'm sure you'll find something that will work for you, Finn, and Chimi when he arrives.
He is so sweet and caring...hopefully he is like that with Chimi too! It is really hard to find a balance, but I think that life just has times that are more challenging than others and eventually it all balances out again.
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet, sweet story. Finn really is a keeper. What a sweetheart. I wonder how he came to think to say that "you're home now" as a comfort? That is such a mature thing.
ReplyDeleteDoes anyone have this balance figured out? I don't think so. Some weeks are good and some weeks are tough, and I think anyone who says otherwise is likely not being completely upfront. Congrats on having your boards done! Now you can focus more on your home life, I hope, and lots of that stress will dissipate. I wish I had a magic cure for stress. More hours in the day? I wish.
It's amazing how little ones perceive things. "You're home!" Three months mat leave seems cruel. That's when the baby starts to interact. Finn is so sweet and caring.
ReplyDeleteThat is so sweet. I've found that I simply need down time. Every night before bed I do something that requires me to just sit and be quiet for about a half an hour, either watch TV, read or knit. Sometimes I feel lazy, but I really need that time to just regroup.
ReplyDeleteSorry you had a stressful weekend. Don't underestimate those pregnancy hormones, they can play a big part in making you feel worse.
ReplyDelete"You're home" is the best thing ever. Love!
I'm convinced that the only way I will exercise again is 1) if I get an elliptical machine for my house or 2) if I can coordinate some kind of class for Owen with my own exercise time (ie take him to a swim class at the fitness center that also has a work-out area and work out while he is in class). I am planning to do this when he turns 4/5. But it's been a long 3 years without exercise and I used to exercise A LOT. I tried dvds for awhile but I just hate them.
ReplyDeleteMy other "trick" for being more present when I am with Owen is to use the downtimes at WORK (I know this sounds bad) to do all those little things I need to do, ie: make appointments, sign up for his music class, call the cable company). This sounds bad because I am at work but there is always downtime at some point in the day, even over lunch, and I try to get all those little annoying things done then so that when I come home it's all done. That probably isn't realistic for many jobs but for mine it works.
As for "me" time I just make sure that kid is asleep by 8 if I possibly can so that my evenings are my own. Don't know what I'd do without those evenings...
You're at a really tough moment (both Finn's age, and your pregnancy). You can do this! Hang in there!
That is so sweet! And it's so hard to feel like you're not home (or present) enough for your children. This morning J said to me "we don't get to spend a lot of time together in the mornings." Just as I felt the guilt coming on, he added "but we get to spend time together in the afternoons."
ReplyDeleteI have a tough time being present, too, so I don't know what to recommend. As you told me recently, as long as you're doing a generally good job, your child(ren) will remember that they were loved. They won't remember the bad parts.
De-stress??? What's that? As soon as Sidekick goes to sleep at 7:30, I clean, do laundry, take the dog out, etc. and maybe if I'm lucky, watch a show I DVRd. I'm constantly exhausted... more exhausted now than when he was a newborn because he is so darn active! I try to do all of the cleaning, shopping, and laundry in the evenings during the week, so I can focus 100% on Sidekick on the weekends. Finn is such a sweet boy! Love the shirt... Sidekick has it also. : )
ReplyDeleteKids are so smart, really! I find that leaving my phone upstairs helps keep myself focused more on G and me "in the moment" more. Like you, I am also worried about how things will change when #2 comes along in February. Pregnancy doesn't help, but I try to remember that it's just a phase I need to get through. If I think I did a less than stellar job one day, I just try to do better the next.
ReplyDeleteThe ONLY way I can get myself motivated to work out is by signing up for a class. I hate the idea of wasting my money, so a class that takes attendance seems to work better for me. Then I'm out of the house and by myself, which is an added bonus. Pole dancing is my #1 go-to; it helped me tone up a lot AND boosted my confidence after having G. I feel so much better about myself after a class, which I know radiates to other parts of my life.
Its hard to balance it all. I get some quiet time after Beanie is in bed at 8pm, when I can pay bills, tidy up, etc. I love your idea of allocating evenings for blogging/bill paying, etc, that way I may even be able to watch a movie someday on DVD. Exercising is hard to get in. I was doing a great job of daily exercise for the first few months but now its hit/miss. I do have a bike at home so need to incorporate it into my night routine. I don't think anyone has it figured out :-)
ReplyDeleteWhat a wise & sweet little boy he is!!
ReplyDeleteThe juggling act is HARD. So hard. Thinking of you!
No magic formula, that's for sure. Just trying to be patient with myself, knowing that I will not be able to be present at all times, and make sure I have some time to recharge. I pay someone ($25 for approx 2 hours) to come over 2 mornings/week so that I can run with a friend, like I did before I had my daughter. I feel *SO* much more out of shape than the fit person i used to be, but at least i keep the wolves at bay! :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweetheart Finn is.
What wonderful moments those must be when he says that. Savor them.
ReplyDeleteI love that photo! His expression is awesome!
ReplyDeleteHow gorgeous is Finn to take such good care of you! It amazes me how intuitive these little guys are at giving you what you need when you need it. I struggle with similar things, but I'm not pregnant so the fatigue is no where near as bad I'm sure. It's good that you are thinking about this now though as with two the challenge to nurture yourself will be even harder. I think you should start practicing getting more rest right now!
ReplyDeleteHugs