I feel like I have been on overdrive for weeks. The daily stress of what the next step is going to be with Finn has passed, and now I'm immersed in various work projects that take up my time during the day and at night after he's gone to sleep. I'm so far behind in everything I need to get done and am feeling a lot overwhelmed (I should be doing work right now, but I just had to take a break).
This is on top of the constant worry I have in the back of my head about what the next MRI is going to show. What if it's gotten bigger or spread? Is waiting really the right thing to do? Is this just the calm before the storm or is the worst already behind us? What if things get a lot worse, and the unthinkable happens? I've had more than one near panic attack thinking of the possibility that Finn won't make it through this. I'm hoping that some of this worry will ease off once his next MRI is done, but then I worry that even if the next one is ok, what will the one after that show?
I'm usually not a worrier, and this whole "mom worry" thing was foreign to me to begin with, but add the cancer worry into the mix and I really don't know how to handle suddenly being a constant worrier. My anxiety seems to be the worst during the day when I'm pumping. I don't know why that is - maybe because that's when I miss Finn the most? Or maybe it's one of the few times during the day that I'm alone and it's quiet. As much as milk supply can be affected by emotions, I'm amazed that my milk supply isn't diminished at all by the amount of anxiety I feel during that time.
Overall I do a good job of putting on a happy face. My nurse knows I'm not doing as well as I act like I am, but I don't think anyone else does. Hopefully my patients don't realize when I'm feeling ridiculously annoyed with them, especially those who don't know what's been going on the past 6 weeks. I don't know why it's so important to me to put on the brave face, but there are times I feel like giving in and having a meltdown in the middle of my office.
Finn is doing just fine. More than fine, he's thriving. He wakes up smiling and babbles and coos constantly (occasionally waking up at 4am to have long conversations with either Vagus the cat, or my pillow, I'm not sure which). He watches everything I do intently, puts everything in his mouth, is fascinated by the cats and loves bathtime and listening to me sing. Last night I noticed that he could no longer straighten his legs in his size 6 month footed sleepers. How could a 4 month old who is wearing 9 month sleepers and weighs 18 pounds possibly have cancer, much less a cancer that could even consider spreading?
And yet I can't help but worry. While hating how neurotic I've become.
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I'm so sorry Shannon. I know how you feel. The almost-panic attacks. The brave, positive, optimistic face you put on for the world. Feeling overwhelmed. Questioning whether this is all truly happening, is it real? Terrified about the next medical test. Listening to people say "your baby will be ok" and wanting to believe it, but then asking yourself, while alone in the shower, or alone pumping, or at some random moment in the diaper aisle, "but what if she isn't?" No one should go through this. Especially not as a single parent. And we especially shouldn't have to be working full time in the middle of it. I had to do that too, return to work WAY too soon. It's just damned unfair. I'm sorry. Hang in there and know how many people care for you and Finn, and take as good care of yourself as you possibly can. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteOh Shannon, of course you are worrying! Don't beat yourself up for that - it's completely normal. I am such a lurker here, but I just wanted to comment in case you were still up late.
ReplyDeleteJust enjoy Finn's baby stage as much as you can. He is the cutest, most adorable baby (those CHEEKS!), and he is going to grow up so fast. And you are clearly an amazing mother. I wish I could take some of that worry on for you.
We (and I am authorizing myself to speak for all lurkers out here) are thinking about you a lot and sending lots of prayers and love.
MH
I think what you're going through emotionally and psychologically is to be expected. Have you considered speaking with someone to help you with your thoughts? That snowball effect with worries can be so overwhelming. Sending you so many hugs and as much of my strength as possible.
ReplyDeleteDon't be too hard on yourself. There is no stress like having a sick child and it will probably take a long time for YOU to recover. Were you connected with a family counsellor at Finn's hospital? It might be helpful for you to talk to someone or get some strategies for dealing with anxious times.
ReplyDeleteShannon, I wish there was something I (or anyone!) could say that would make this easier. Here's a big virtual hug!!! Hang in there. You and Finn are both doing great.
ReplyDeleteYou are not acting neurotically at all. I think you are dealing very well with what has to be an extremely stressful situation. I get panic attacks sometimes. I don't think getting Xan.ax is a bad idea at all. Stress and anxiety can scramble one's brain, cause everything to seem much more complicated.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of you and Finn and wishing you both all the luck in the world.
Big hug! It is TOTALLY normal to worry and you have been given plenty to worry about. I agree with the suggestion of seeing a counselor or therapist and if Xan.ax helps, then use it! As a lifetime worrier, seeing someone who you tell all the stuff going through your head helps. I also found writing in a journal helps. Something about just getting it out of my head, helps to stop the constant swirling of thoughts. Or just write it all here. We are listening (or reading as the case maybe.)
ReplyDeleteShannon, combine regular new working single mom anxiety and cancer anxiety and, yeah, I can't even imagine how stressed and worried you must feel. I'm glad that right now the MRIs all indicate that Finn is doing okay and, yeah, obviously he's thriving despite it all. I think about you a lot.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I think you are doing amazingly! I hope just being able to let it out in your blog helps.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing we can say to take your worry away but know that you have tons of people out here who are pulling for Finn and for you. And high five to you that you've made it 6 weeks without Xanax. I'd have called in for a prescription (truth be told, refill) on day 1!!!
ReplyDeleteps - Love seeing those Finn pics. He is a precious boy!
I'm no doctor or even familiar with what you're going through but I have to believe that just this situation alone would make anyone crazy anxious but add in that your body is still adjusting to the post-partum period and PPD can be an issue all the way through the first year AND can manifest itself in anxiety. You've gotten a double dose of emotional and hormonal tumult. Don't put on the brave face, get yourself an anti-anxiety and enjoy your boy.
ReplyDeletexoxo, I can't even imagine what you're going through.
Sending you many hugs. This is not easy to go through. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think any other normal loving mother would go through the same emotions.
ReplyDeleteGood thing we have Vagus and pillows to keep Finn-bug company in the early hours of the morning!
Karen
You are doing awesome, I just know you! You have been a blessing to your baby and worrying comes with the territory. You and Baby Finn are in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteHugs!! You are not neurotic, you're totally normal. You're going through so much, and being behind on stuff at work is probably adding to the stress. I'm always thinking of you, and I'm glad you are taking some time to enjoy time with Finn when you're home.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what others have said. Your worry is completely normal in this situation and you are not neurotic.
ReplyDeleteI don't know exactly what you're going through, but I can absolutely understand the stress and anxiety you're feeling. It's hell, plain and simple. And you wonder when it's going to end.
Take care of yourself and go easy on yourself. We're all praying for you and Finn. *hugs*
Sending you and Finn hugs. I agree with the other posters. Your worry sounds completely normal.
ReplyDeleteDitto to all of the above...I'd be worried about you if you said you weren't worrying. I totally identify with your need to keep a brave face but I can only imagine how exhausting that can be. {hugs}
ReplyDeleteShan, don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing a great job... and you are doing it alone. Just take a deep breath and know that Finn and all of us are cheering for you. Hugs.
ReplyDelete1. Xanax helps.
ReplyDelete2. The 4-month-old in the 9-month-old sleepers doesn't have cancer. He beat it.
3. You are not neurotic. You are an overhwlmed new mom with a lot on your plate.
When Jax was a baby, he came down with RSV, which led to virally-induced asthma. I've never written on my blog about it--mostly, I guess, because it happened before I started blogging, and it's under control now.
But, Shannon, we went to the ER half a dozen times--all of which, it seems, that my family was out of town--and I watched my sweet baby boy struggling to breathe, and I was so scared that he wasn't going to make it, and I was a wreck.
And now a few years later, Jax is on maintenance meds, we've got it all under control and he made 6 goals in his soccer game last Saturday, and now there's Moose who's giving me heartburn.
Finn is going to be okay, and you're going to be okay too. Promise.
XOXO, Jenny
Is there any way you could have some of the workload removed at work? This might allow you time to talk to someone about what's going on. You shouldn't keep in locked inside but it doesn't sound like you have the time to take care of yourself with all the competing stresses.
ReplyDeleteditto to all that's been said before, and I would just add that in my experience, when you are going through major life trauma, it can be helpful to "put on a brave face" with certain folks because if you steep yourself in the anxiety and the what-ifs 24 hours a day, with everyone, it is even more exhausting. Be good to yourself, Shannon, and hopefully feel the support and love of your actual and virtual communities surrounding you...
ReplyDeleteTara
I just want you to know that you and Finn are troopers. You are going through a lot of emotions, and you are entitled to be overwhelmed by it. Do whatever you need to do to feel better. I am sending you lots of love!
ReplyDeleteGabby
Stumbled upon your blog, after you left comments on mine. Nice to see another choice mom on the block, but so sorry to read what is going on in your life right now with baby Finn. Sending many hugs, good wishes and hope!
ReplyDeleteWow he is big! And glad to read how he is thriving. And the worry.. so understandable. Who wouldn't? You are so not neorotic! (hugs)
ReplyDelete