Pretending to be in Control

Is it normal to feel like every last bit of your life is out of your control when you have a one year old?  I guess it probably is.  I know that we never really have control over our lives, but sometimes the illusion might be nice.

I have made a little progress lately.  I took a day off seeing patients last week and got about 2/3 of my backlog of charts finished, and had a few meetings that should lead to better things with our electronic medical records system.  While I'm still behind, I don't feel like it's impossible to ever catch up - and I've made enough changes that I won't get that far behind again, either.  So that's a huge thing.

My weight and overall physical well being is something I've talked about here before - mainly how much I've let it go this past year.  I used to work out with a trainer twice a week (even while pregnant, my last session with my trainer was when I was 37 weeks) and run or something cardio 2-4 days the rest of the week.  Eating healthy has never been my strong suit, but there was a time where I all but completely eliminated fast food from my diet.  I'm pretty sure I would feel better, and more in control, if I would work on getting healthy again.  The fact that I'm going to try to get pregnant sometime in the not too distant future is another huge incentive.

I'm putting it down in writing here, so that I'll have a tangible reminder of what my plans are.  You all have my permission to kick my ass if I don't stick to it this time!

My health goals:

• walk at least 3 days a week, but ideally 5
• NO MORE fast food - period
• cut back down to one caffeinated Diet Coke a day and one caffeine free - water the rest of the day
• 8 servings of fruits and veggies a day - this one may take me a few weeks to work up to, as it's going to be my hardest
• once I'm a little more caught up at work, maybe by the end of June, will start doing a yoga or strength training DVD 2-3 times a week after Finn has gone to sleep

I know I can do this.  I need to do it to be healthy, and I know it will help my fertility.

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Weaning update:

Last night Finn took a 5 ounce bottle at bedtime and didn't nurse.  He then woke at 1am, refused the bottle, nursed a little and went back to sleep (in my bed).  He woke at 4am, refused the bottle again, and whined and fussed to nurse.  I let him latch on for a couple of minutes, then tried to switch it out for the bottle.  That didn't work, and I didn't let him latch back on.  He cried a little, but mainly just fussed and tossed and turned.  He finally fell back to sleep around 5:30, and then slept until 9:30 - over two hours past his usual wake up time!  I don't feel engorged at all, which confirms that those last sessions in the early morning hours really have been more comfort nursing than anything else.  

Going to bed the past two nights has been rough.  It took him an hour last night with some crying.  Tonight was much worse.  He doesn't want me to leave the room, or even go across the room to the chair, and when I do he screams bloody murder.  I get it, I really do.  He hasn't had to fall asleep by himself his entire life, and now I'm asking him to fall asleep in his crib, and he wants me close by.  But tonight he wouldn't lie down even when I was sitting next to the crib, and it was maddening.  He stood in the crib crying, "mama mama" and would occasionally throw his pacifier at me and cry even harder.  After an hour I had to leave the room to put laundry in so I wouldn't be up all night washing clothes, and then he really screamed.  He finally fell asleep after that episode, since it was so long that I was out of the room, but even then I had to stand over the crib and rub his back to calm him down.

I'm not ready to do cry it out.  I may eventually, but not right now, while we're dealing with the emotions of weaning.  But I really wish he'd at least fall asleep a little faster with less drama while I'm in the room.  He can do it - he did it today at naptime for me - asleep in less than 15 minutes.  

And now I need to go to bed, in case we have another repeat of last night since this time I won't be able to sleep until 9:30, even if he does.